The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I stand back from the door and motion for her to come in. She walks slowly past me and I'm not sure how to act. Normally I would kiss her but I think that for the purpose of today’s visit it would be inappropriate. I close the door behind her and walk towards the kitchen, hoping she’ll follow me.

  “Want a coffee?” I walk over and turn on the kettle without waiting for a response. I need something to distract me, and I take a few moments to make us both a cup, anything to stop me from having to look at her.

  All too soon I have to turn and face her as I carry both cups over to the table where she's sitting.

  “So how long are we going to avoid this conversation?” Asha picks up her cup and takes a little sip of the hot coffee.

  I follow her lead, taking a mouthful to give me a few more seconds to work out what I'm going to say. “I just don’t know how to start.” I'm thinking that being truthful with her is the best way to go. I need to control my bullshit and just tell her how I'm feeling and what I've done.

  “Why don’t we start this with the fact that you're engaged to me but you are in love with Bryce?”

  The cup stops half way to my mouth and I look at her over the top of it in shock. I expect to see anger or hurt. What I'm not expecting is to see her smiling. “But … how?”

  She reaches over and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. I look at our joined hands and notice that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring. Thinking about it, I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw her with it on. The realization makes me feel even worse.

  How long has she known and why hasn’t she called me out on it before? Why isn’t she screaming at me and throwing the coffee in my face?

  “You talk a lot when you're drunk. I have to admit, I'm surprised I didn’t see it before. Once you told me you missed him I could see it all so clearly, the way you used to look at him, the way your moods were always dependent on his, all those little looks between the two of you.” She squeezes my hand again but I'm not sure what to say to her. I think I'm in shock that I confessed my feelings when I was drunk. Her smile fades a little and I'm scared what she's going to say next. “I know I've been distant lately but I needed to step away. I wanted you to think about what you want, Zeke. I don’t know why you asked me to marry you when you’re in love with someone else.”

  I go to protest but she holds up her hand, stopping me before I lie to her some more. “If you do love me, it’s only as a friend and it’s okay. I understand.”

  I take a deep breath. Now is the time to tell her everything and completely clear the air between us. The fact that she isn’t angry shocks me a little and I'm hoping that she will still feel that way when I finish.

  “I'm not gay. God, even saying it sounds so fucking lame. It’s not that I'm not gay, it’s that I can’t be gay. I'm gay … holy fuck … I'm gay.” The words sound foreign to me but they don’t sound wrong. They don’t make me panic or make my heart race like I thought they would.

  “Then why are you pretending to love me? If you love Bryce then you should be with him.” I expect her to look hurt but again, I'm surprised when all I see is confusion on her face.

  “How can I be with him? I can’t be gay and still fight. I had to make a choice and he knew that we couldn’t be more than what we were.”

  Now I see some anger flashing in her eyes, but I'm not sure what’s caused it. “Wow. That’s pretty fucking cold, even for you, Zeke. That guy is in love with you and you with him, and you found it so easy to just dump him when he wasn’t any use to you anymore. I always thought you were a decent guy, but now I'm beginning to think that you’re an asshole.”

  I stand and start pacing across the kitchen floor. I know what she’s saying is the truth, that I haven’t handled this situation well at all, but I'm dealing with a lot. I thought I was doing the right thing. My career is important to me; this fight is the thing I've been concentrating on for the last few years. I can’t give that up for love and no one would expect me to.

  “It’s not like that. You don’t understand. I can’t come out as gay in this sport. No one would fight me. I would be shunned. This is the only thing I've ever dreamt about, the only thing I've wanted to do with my life. Are you telling me you would give up your dream for love?” I grab my hair as frustration takes over.

  “That’s the thing, Zeke. Being with the person you love is not giving up something, it’s gaining everything. To spend your life with someone knowing that they know you inside and out, knowing that they will be with you no matter what, that’s what’s important. That’s the prize right there.”

  I stop pacing and turn to look at her. I don’t understand why she’s being like this. Why is she pushing me towards Bryce, and why isn’t she being a bitch after what I did to her? “Why are you being so fucking nice?”

  She laughs and it just weirds me out even more. I mean I faked being in love with her, asked her to marry me and basically used her to get over the man I love. She shouldn’t be sitting here smiling. I know I wouldn’t. I’d be throwing everything in my reach at me right now.

  “Do you want me to scream and shout at you? Maybe I should come over there and beat your chest in anger. Will that help you feel better? I can’t say I'm happy about what happened but I can’t hate you for falling in love. Don’t get me wrong, if you had spoken to me the day after you confessed your feelings I probably would have cut you, but I've had time to think about it all. We were friends before we were anything else, so we will still be friends now.”

  I'm not used to people being nice to me. I'm used to anger and blame, so this feels foreign to me. I think I have a deep down need for Asha to hate me. I think that’s why I say what I do next.

  “I slept with Bryce last night, I cheated on you.”

  Her eyes widen and I brace myself for her anger, maybe some crying that will make me feel like shit.

  “You saw him? Oh my god, where is he now?”

  Fuck, this isn’t working. I need her to yell at me. Her being nice isn’t getting rid of my guilt, it’s adding to it.

  “God, will you stop being so fucking nice about it. I was an asshole and cheated on you… with a guy. I asked you to marry me when I’ve never loved you that way. Fucking hell, woman, can you just show some emotion?”

  She gets up from her chair and walks over to me. When she stands in front of me, she pulls her hand back and before I know it she's slapped me across the face. My hand flies to my stinging cheek, mouth dropping open in shock.

  “Feel better? Is that what you wanted?” She has a cute little smile on her face and I can’t help but laugh at her. She does this stupid girly clapping thing before getting back to interrogating me again. “Okay, now that’s done tell me what happened. Are you getting back together?”

  I let my head collapse backwards until I'm looking at the ceiling. I wish it was that easy to explain about last night, but I'm not completely sure what happened between us myself. I know that everything we did felt right. Being with Bryce and letting him touch where no one has been before was like heaven on earth.

  “You fucked it up again didn’t you?”

  I lift my head and look at her with a sad smile crossing my lips. “I don’t know. Maybe. All I know is I woke up alone and I still don’t know where he lives. I think this was his way of telling me goodbye. It’s for the best really, my fighting has to take priority.”

  Asha looks at me with a sad expression on her face, before reaching out and caressing my cheek with her hand.

  “I want you to take a good look inside, Zeke. Can you tell me that you're happy, truly happy and that this is the life you pictured? I think if you were being honest with yourself you would see that it’s not. Since he left you don’t smile anymore. Maybe fighting isn’t everything to you now, maybe you have seen another way to live, one that makes you happy. If you can really say that you're happy then carry as you are, but if you have to think too long about it, then maybe it’s time to change some things. Will your championsh
ip belts love you when you're old? Will they hold you on the cold nights?” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek before walking away. Just as she's about to leave the kitchen she looks over her shoulder. “And just so you know, I'm keeping the ring.” She winks at me and I let a small laugh out. I’d buy her a house right this second if she wanted one just for being here for me and accepting me.

  I walk to the hall and grab my gym bag from the cupboard, deciding that I would be better off working out than trying to answer the questions she just asked. If I do something energetic then my mind might switch off. Thinking is not an option for me today.

  I feel arms working their way around my neck before lips connect with my cheek.

  “Hey, sexy.” The whispered words in my ear make my cheeks color. I'm used to Trey calling me this but today it just makes me feel guilty. After last night I feel like the lowest kind of person. I always swore I would never be the kind of guy that would cheat on someone, and then one call from Zeke and I'm slipping my dick into him without a second thought. Trey takes a seat next to me while Nathan sits across from us. I met the guys when I moved into my new apartment. They helped me up the stairs with my sofa and we just hit it off. I didn’t know anyone so it was nice to have some friends to talk to. It didn’t take long to realize that Trey was gay, especially after he cornered me in my closet and kissed me. I was shocked to begin with and almost pushed him away, but then I realized that I needed to move on and there was no better way to do it than with a new guy.

  I haven’t officially dated someone since Austin. What I had with Zeke was intense but it wasn’t dating. Dating doesn’t happen behind closed doors or in secret, and nothing we did was in public. The only time we had been seen together was to do with work.

  A hand on my thigh pulls me from my thoughts and I smile at Trey. His dark hair is down today, messy looking, and I think it makes him look hotter than normal, more rugged. Usually it’s more styled, the sleek look working for him when he wears his suits to work. He’s a gay rights lawyer working in the local area, and from what I've worked out, he's a force to be reckoned with. He looks sexy as hell in his work suits, especially when he rolls his shirtsleeves up his forearms and his tattoos peek out. I don’t have tattoos myself but since all the guys I find attractive have them, it’s obviously my thing.

  “So how was your night? Did you get up to anything exciting without me?” He winks at me and I feel my stomach drop. I really want to be honest with him and tell him what happened last night, but here in front of Nathan isn’t the right time or place.

  “Are you feeling okay? You look kinda pale?” The look of concern on his face makes me feel even worse, and I quickly decide that I will tell him about Zeke, just not today.

  I lean forward and kiss him, my lips lingering longer than they probably should in public. “I'm fine. I didn’t sleep very well last night and I think it’s just catching up with me now.”

  He runs his thumb across my jaw as he smiles at me. “You need to have better respect for bedtime. Maybe tonight I can tuck you in?”

  I haven’t slept with Trey yet. I can’t bring myself to do it while I'm still so confused about Zeke. I always thought it would be like cheating on Trey, but I suppose that boat has sailed now. Shit. The thought makes me feel like crap, and I realize that not sleeping with him until I was ready only gave me time to be with Zeke.

  Maybe if I give myself to him fully I’ll realize that I don’t need Zeke as much as I think I do. Maybe I’ll be able to move on. “I think that would be a great idea.”

  He raises his eyebrows and a smile creeps onto his face as his eyes light up. He leans forward and kisses me again before whispering against my lips. “Thank you.”

  “Oh my god, will you two get a room? We came here to eat lunch and I swear you're putting me off my food.”

  I turn and laugh at Nathan. I forgot he was there. PDA is something I wouldn’t normally do.

  “Jealousy is a terrible thing, Nathan. I've told you before, we don’t mind if you join in.” When Trey teases him, I can see he's lucky to have such a good friendship with Nathan. Some straight guys wouldn’t be able to handle being around gay guys, but he just takes it in his stride. He has never looked uncomfortable around us, and if Trey and me want to spend time together he just excuses himself. No hassle, no bother.

  As Nathan gives Trey the finger over the table, I pick up my menu and have a look. I know what I'm going to order. We’ve been here several times over the last few weeks because it’s Trey’s favorite place. As I listen to the two guys argue, I let them drift away as I think about last night. I need to check on Zeke and make sure he was okay this morning and not too sore. I know I shouldn’t. I know I need to just leave him be and let us both move on, but I can’t. I still have this deep need to make sure he isn’t hurting and alone.

  The waitress approaches the table and we all order, chatting about a big case that Trey’s working on. Some company has fired Simon, one of their upper level managers, citing that he’d broken some company rules. However, Simon believes he was replaced because the bosses found out that he was gay. Trey’s sure that he will get a big settlement for his client, and he also has a position for Simon with another company when the case is over. I love watching Trey when he's talking about his work. He's so passionate about the job and you can see it shining through in his eyes. It’s like it lights him up from inside, the determination and drive making him almost unstoppable.

  Lunch is good, but it’s over before I know it and Trey has to go back to work. He kisses me passionately before telling me that he will be back after he finishes work and that he will bring food with him. I tell him to forget the food, to just hurry and get to my place, and it makes him smile before kissing me again. The thought of having sex with him makes my stomach flutter with nerves. I’ve seen him topless but nothing more than that, even that sight had my mouth watering.

  Trying to clear my head I grab my phone from my pocket. I open up the messages and my finger hovers over the buttons. I want to text Zeke, but I don’t want to at the same time. It’s probably healthier to just cut him out of my life completely but I know I’m not strong enough for that. I quickly type out a message and hit send before I can change my mind.

  How are you feeling?

  It only takes a few seconds for an answer to ping on my phone, like he was sitting on his phone just waiting for me to text him.

  I'm okay. A little tender but good.

  I smile as I read his answer, memories from the night before flooding my mind and making me hard. Knowing that I was the first guy to do that with him, that he trusted me enough to let me take him, just blows my mind. Being inside him was something that I will never be able to explain. I don’t think anything will ever be that good, and I'm so fucking glad I got to experience it at least once. Now that it’s done I’ll have to be content with just the memory of the best sex of my life.

  Are you sure you're okay? I didn’t hurt you?

  I had taken him hard in the end. I had pounded into his body like it wasn’t his first time. I hadn’t meant to, I had wanted to keep control but as usual, Zeke made me lose my mind. The phone pings again in my hand and I read the message he sent back, laughing as I read his response.

  Again I’ll tell you, I'm fine. It does feel like I have sat on a fucking gate post, but it’s not an unpleasant feeling.

  This is why I fell for Zeke so badly, he has a way of making me feel settled, less worried. No matter what we’ve been through, I feel bad that we couldn’t remain friends, but I know that’s not possible with the feelings we have. I see a second message come in, one that has my steps faltering.

  Will you tell me where you live?

  I lock my phone and put it in my pocket. There’s no way I'm telling Zeke where I live. I need to make this break. I need to move on.

  Chapter 20

  I hear the front door open as I stir the tomato sauce that’s cooking on the stove. The sound is closely followed by Trey shouting o
ut to tell me he's here.

  “I'm in the kitchen.” My apartment isn’t very big, so I don’t have to shout very loud. I had to be careful when I moved. Money became an issue when I stopped working for Zeke, and my savings will only get me so far. I need to start looking for a new job soon but I hate the thought of training anyone else.

  I smile over my shoulder as I hear Trey’s footsteps hit my tiled floor. I turn around properly to see him enter and put a bottle of wine on the table. He walks over to me, taking my face between his hands and kissing my lips gently. He pulls me towards him as he continues to kiss me, my heart rate picking up with the passion in his lips. I drop the spoon onto the worktop before turning fully into his arms again, kissing him back just as passionately. I work my hands into his hair, pulling his mouth closer to mine as my tongue attacks his and the heat between us starts to rise. There has never been a lack of spark between us, when we come together it’s like we can’t get enough of each other, but I always stop us from going any further. I knew that there would be no emotions involved and it makes me feel like shit knowing that Trey feels a lot more for me than I do for him. I just need to get over Zeke, try and give Trey more. I need to try and find some happiness for myself. I never meant anything to Zeke and it’s time to move on.

  Trey rubs his erection against my own, making me groan into his mouth. I hear the sauce boiling behind me and I force myself to pull away from his lips. “I need to save the sauce if you want to eat tonight.”