The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I look at her, realizing for the first time that he is. He's worth risking everything for. I don’t have anything if he leaves. He's my friend, my heart, he's my everything.

  “Yes he is.”

  She claps her hands as I give her my answer, but quickly starts pushing me towards the open side of the cage. “Then go, he only just left. You can catch him.”

  I pause, only quick enough to kiss her on the cheek, before taking off. I run over to the door and jump, not taking the time to walk down the steps. As soon as I land on the main floor I take off, running for the exit. I can hear the people around me shouting their congratulations but I can’t pay attention to them, the only thing I'm thinking of is Bryce. As if by magic I think his name in my head and he appears in the aisle in front of me.

  “Bryce!”

  Thankfully he hears me and turns with a gentle smile on his lips. Fuck, he's so beautiful. I slow to a stop in front of him, suddenly doubting myself. Why would he want me after everything I've done to him? How could he forgive me?

  “Congratulations, Zeke. Now you have everything you ever dreamed of.” I can see flashes from cameras going off around us and I suddenly wish we were alone. He deserves better than me laying all this out to him in front of a big crowd.

  “No I don’t. There is something very important missing.” If he leaves after I speak my heart then so be it, but I can’t live with him not knowing how much I love him.

  “Zeke, please don’t. I can’t do this with you. I have a plane to catch.” He turns to leave but I grab him, making him turn back to face me.

  I step into his personal space until we are chest to chest, our lips so close that I can feel his warm breath across my face. I wrap my arms around his waist, fully expecting him to pull away from me but he doesn’t. There is a look of shock on his face but I ignore it as I speak.

  "I'm so fucking sorry. I know I have no right to touch you, no right to think you would want anything to do with me but please hear me out." When he doesn't move from my embrace I brave continuing, not sure where the hell I’m going with this. All I know is that I need to get him to understand and try to forgive me. "I spent my whole life being told my feelings were wrong, that I needed to find a nice woman to settle down with and I tried. Well not the settling down part, but I tried women, lots of them, but there was something missing and I didn't know what it was. I didn't realize I was hiding who I really was. I fucking love you Bryce, and now I know the thing that was missing was your dick."

  His fingers cover my mouth as a laugh escapes him. "You were doing so well there. I suppose no one could ever accuse you of being a romantic." He drops his head, and I can feel a heavy sigh leave him. I just want to make everything right. I want to show everyone that he's mine.

  “I can’t be a secret, Zeke. I can’t be someone you hide away to protect yourself. I love you… fuck, I love you so damn much… but I love myself more.” When he looks up at me, I can see the pain in his eyes, the doubt, and I hate that I'm the reason it’s there. I lean down and kiss his lips gently, trying not to show my passion. This time I need to show my love. It takes a few heartbeats, and just as I'm about to give up and move back, his lips move against mine. In that single moment I think I'm happier than I've ever fucking been. He's letting me in. He's thinking about giving me another chance.

  “Look around, baby. I think this whole arena has a camera pointed in our direction right now. I give it roughly five minutes until the videos are on YouTube with the title, ‘Zeke ‘The Storm’ Raine kisses his onetime coach’. There’s no way in hell you could ever be a secret now. The funny thing is couldn’t give a damn. I don’t know if I'm gay, or bi, or what the fuck ever, all I know is I fucking love you. The type of love that means I can’t breathe when you're not next to me, the kind of love that makes me think about us when we’re old and grey. Well that will be you, I’ll never be old.” I kiss his nose as I feel his chest move against mine as he laughs. “I love you, Bryce. I fucking love Bryce Tanner!” I shout the last part loudly and get a thrill as I feel Bryce burrowing his face into my neck. It feels real, so fucking right.

  “You know you're crazy, right?”

  I capture his lips in a passionate kiss this time, breaking apart only to whisper against them. “Crazy about you, baby.”

  A groan comes from Bryce before he pulls back from me laughing.

  “Seriously, you're going there? You are using a lame arse, cheesy movie line on me?”

  I can’t help but laugh along with him. “I never claimed to be good at this shit, and it usually works on the ladies.”

  Bryce gets an annoyed look on his face, before he smacks me on the back of my head. “Let’s not go there shall we? The last thing I need to hear about is all the women you’ve seduced, Mr. Raine.”

  I grab his face and pull him to me, attacking his lips until we are both gasping for breath and I'm as hard as fucking stone. I hear my name over the speaker again and Bryce pushes me towards the cage.

  “Go get your belt, you won it.”

  I grab his hand, pulling him behind me. There is no way I'm letting him out of my sight, and there is no chance he is getting on that fucking flight. As we walk down the aisle I see that everyone is watching us and a slight hush has come over the audience. I don’t know if it’s the shock of me kissing someone, or the fact it’s a man. Fuck them. The only thing that’s important to me today is Bryce. There is nothing else I need in my life.

  I pull him into the cage with me, if this is the last championship I ever win I'm going to make the most of it, let Bryce live it with me. I accept the belt from the chairperson, lifting it up to the crowd. It doesn’t take long until there are cheers and cries, people applauding my win. With a smile on my face I turn to claim Bryce’s lips. I’ve spent too much time without him and I can’t stop kissing him. I need to get out of here so it can be just the two of us and not hundreds of people.

  I'm lying in bed, my limbs tangled with Bryce’s and I couldn’t be fucking happier. We’d barely made it in the front door when I tackled him to the ground, showing with my body how much I’d really missed him. Somewhere in between our second and third orgasms we found our way in here, but not before I got rug burns on my ass and knees. Totally fucking worth it.

  “You know we still have a lot of things to work out. And I have a job that I need to catch a flight for… about three hours ago.” He laughs as he speaks, but I can tell he's worried about where we go from here. I don’t know what we will do, or how the fighting world will take my coming out, but as long as I have Bryce I am more than prepared for what they throw at me.

  “You need to quit that job. There’s no fucking way you are leaving, even if I have to tie you to the bed.” I kiss his head and feel him lick my nipple. I didn’t think it would be possible for my dick to get hard after everything we’ve done tonight, but just like always after some attention from Bryce, it’s as solid as a diamond.

  “I need a job, Zeke. I need to be able to pay my way. I also have my Visa to worry about. If I'm not working I need to leave.”

  Holy shit, I can’t believe he thinks he's getting to leave. Maybe I should let him in on my secret. “What the fuck are you on about, babe? You have a job. You own a gym.”

  I watch as his head slowly lifts from my chest until he's looking into my eyes. “What are you talking about?” He looks so adorable when he’s confused. I had a long time to work out what I was going to do after I won this fight. There were a lot of roads I could have taken, lots of management and endorsement offers, but somewhere along the way my dreams have changed. Now I just want to be happy, and the only way that can happen is if this guy stays in my arms forever.

  “Well, you see, it’s like this. Coach has wanted to retire for a while now, personally I don’t think he's old enough for that shit, but his wife has been incredibly ill, and he wants to spend what time she has left together. I didn’t want my gym to fall into the wrong hands, so I bought it. And if it belongs to me, then it belong
s to you. I want you to help me run it. If the fighting world is ready for their number one to be gay, then I will need a coach. Know anyone who would be interested?”

  His eyes open widely and he looks a little like a goldfish as he tries to find something to say. “But… I can’t.”

  I lean up and gently kiss his lips before pulling him until he's lying on top of me. “Yeah, you can. I thought I bought it on a whim, but I think maybe, deep down, I did it because I knew I was coming after you. I knew I couldn’t let you get away. I want you with me, Bryce. Every minute of every single day will not be enough time with you. It took me a while but I can see it all so clearly now. You are my everything.”

  Tears fill his eyes and I start to worry that I've made a mistake again, said something wrong. “I love you, Zeke. God, I will never get bored saying that, and you never stop surprising me.”

  I wipe the tear from his cheek and smile like a lunatic, but I don’t care. Seeing the man I love in my arms and happy, has made me feel complete for the first time in my life. Growing up and being constantly told that my feelings were wrong and that I needed to find the right woman had messed with my head. I had spent my life feeling like I was locked inside a skin that wasn’t my own and that I was lying to myself. I didn’t know what I felt until I met Bryce. He was the one who unlocked my heart and showed me that what I felt was the most amazing and natural thing in the world.

  This man currently lying in my arms is everything to me and I will live my whole life knowing that when it came to the biggest fight of my life, I won. I have his heart, and he was more than worth the fight.

  The End

  Epilogue

  I down another glass of Scotch and motion for the waiter to come over so I can order another. I've been sitting here for what feels like five days now but I'm pretty sure it’s only been a few hours. I don’t even know why I came here; it’s not my usual hangout but I needed something different. Sitting with a glass of wine while listening to fellow lawyers talking about cases just wasn’t going to settle my mind tonight. I needed to get drunk and that’s how I ended up here. I’ve heard of the bar before, but since it’s known for its half-naked dancing men, it’s not really a place I would bring clients or prospective dates.

  With the thought of dating I throw back another Scotch, thankful that I ordered a few the last time the waiter came over. I sit back in the seat, letting the flashing lights distract me from what’s going on in my mind. I can’t believe that I didn’t know Bryce had cheated on me. I thought I was an expert in spotting that shit by now. Fuck. Why can’t I find someone who doesn’t lie to me? I don’t know what it is about me that screams ‘Tell me whatever you want, I’ll believe it all’. I'm a fucking lawyer for fuck’s sake. I'm meant to be able to spot liars a mile off. I pride myself on it. I have a reputation that is known around all the big firms; people know that they’ll lose if they come up against me. But apparently when I stick my cock in someone I lose all rationality and I’m unable to see what’s right in front of my face.

  I really thought I had something with Bryce. He was everything I look for in a guy. That first day I saw him I thought I was going to trip over my tongue. He was perfection like I’d never seen before. Tight perfect muscles, eyes that held so much passion, and lips that I wanted to spend a lifetime getting to know. I should have known there was someone out there that already had his heart. A guy like that can’t be single. Especially when you add his rocking body to the equation and the fact that he was a really nice guy. He thought of others and was genuine. Well he was if you don’t count the fact that he cheated on me. I knew there was something between him and that guy in Fighting Fit. The way looked at each other was just too intense to be innocent. If I'm being honest, I don’t blame Bryce for wanting the other guy. He was a beast, one that I would have loved to try and tame myself, but apparently he had his sights set on my man. Fuck.

  I'm happy when I see the waiter approach and I don’t even wait for him to put the drinks on the table, grabbing one straight from the tray before drinking it in one gulp and putting it back. I sit back and let my mind empty as I look around the room, finally taking in the place. I had tried to get a table towards the back of the room but it was already so busy when I arrived that I had to sit close to the stage. Most of the dancers are dressed in costumes such as sexy sailors, policemen or soldiers. They look good and I can see that their skin is all oiled up, but I don’t think I'm in the mood for anything like this tonight. Maybe it would have been better if I had gone to a quieter place. But I didn’t want to be recognized by anyone. Talking wasn’t high on my to do list tonight.

  The room goes dark around me and I notice the dancers leave the stage and podiums. Obviously something is about to happen as the seats in front of the stage are quickly filled. I turn my seat a little, interested in what’s about to happen. A light appears towards the back of the stage as Candy Shop by 50 Cent starts to play. The crowd starts going crazy and it takes me about four seconds to realize why everyone flocked to their seats when the most beautiful man I've ever seen appears on the stage in just a pair of shorts. He’s tall, but it’s hard to tell how tall from my seat, and his body is lean with the definition of someone who spends a lot of time swimming. It isn’t a gym body like Bryce’s. This guy is less bulky and a whole lot sexier.

  When he starts moving to the music it takes everything I have to keep breathing. The fluidity of his movements are making me hard as I think about how good he would be in bed. He grinds against the floor and I want to jump up there and see what he feels like. He works his way along the front of the stage letting the men in the audience slip money under the waistband of his shorts. He is the first dancer of the night who hasn’t stripped completely, and he seems to be more popular than the rest. Maybe it’s the pull of the unknown that keeps men slipping dollars into his shorts. Perhaps they’re hoping to touch something other than his tight, toned stomach. He works his way towards me and I can’t look away, my heart racing as he gets closer to me. I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe as I watch him dance and before I know it, he's standing in front of me. His eyes widen when they land on me and he has a look of surprise on his face, which I don’t understand.

  I get up from my seat, grabbing my wallet from my back pocket as I stand. I take my time, anticipating the touch of his skin. He drops to his knees as I walk to the edge of the stage, bringing his body close to mine. My eyes don’t leave his as I tuck a hundred into the waistband of his shorts, a deep groan emanating from me as I rub my hand over his stomach. He's all hardness and warmth, and I want nothing more than to bite him. His breath falters as he moves away from me, his eyes leaving mine only when the song ends, and he walks backstage. As soon as he disappears through the curtains, I let out the breath that’s stuck in my throat. I have no fucking idea what just happened, but I'm hoping he keeps the business card I tucked inside the money, because I want to see that guy again.

  Acknowledgments

  For anyone who has read my other books, you will know that this book has stepped away from anything else I’ve written. Deciding to listen to the male voices in my head, leading me to this genre was a scary step but I’m glad I did it. I hope that you, as readers, feel I've done the genre justice and that my men led you on a story that you enjoyed! I love reading m/m stories, they have been a passion of mine for so long. The voices in my head led me down this path, telling me their story that sometimes had me laughing and sometimes making my heart break.

  There were a few people who stood out when it came to helping with this book, and here’s the soppy bit to say thanks.

  My husband Stuart: As always you were the most important person when it came to making this book possible. You took over at home and dealt with the constant tapping of keys in your ear. You couldn’t really help with the investigating with this book, but you totally accepted when I was ‘researching’. I just want you to know…I love you!

  Ellie: Again…you took my garbled words and made a story
out of them. I know this one must have been a labour of love…and yes I know…clauses!!!!

  Claire: No matter what time I messaged you, you were there to read words and be my sounding board. You told me when it sounded crap, and also when you thought that the words were sizzling. Thank you for being there all the time!!

  My betas: Vickie, Laura, Rae and Elisia…thank you for reading this before it even hit my editor, for looking past the typos and missing words to let me know what you thought of the story. You don’t know how much it meant when I doubted everything.

  Nicola Haken: What can I say? You kinda made this happen. You made a flippant comment one day we were talking, I can’t even remember what it was but it planted a seed. That seed grew into two loud voices in my head that couldn’t be ignored anymore. Thank you for making me grab the bull by the horns and write the story that was there. I promise the next book is coming, and your boy will be fine.

  Mike Elcock: Thank you for keeping me right in the whole world of MMA. Your input helped more than you will know, making this story feel real to me.

  To everyone who has read this book, who has pimped me or just simply shared a photo. Thank you for everything you do.

  Make Me Trust

  When the spotlight shines, sometimes it brings you something you don’t expect.

  Trey Colby has spent his life falling in love only to lose his heart to people who don’t deserve it. Time after time he's been left broken when his boyfriends have thrown him aside for someone else.