The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “Wow, that’s old.”

  I feel the smile he has as he wraps his hand around my neck and pulls me down to his mouth, the kiss gaining heat. “Eight years is a lot to some people.” I try to concentrate on what he's saying as he runs his tongue down over my neck, stopping at my collar bone to gently suck the skin into his mouth.

  “Not to me, Trey.”

  He drops his head back on the pillow with a sigh and I lie down on his chest, getting myself comfortable.

  Deciding to change the subject, I use this time to get to know Trey a little more. Maybe ask a few questions that I wouldn’t normally, he can always refuse to answer. He isn’t very open when it comes to his personal life, but I’m hoping that he might answer a few of the things I ask.

  “Tell me something about yourself, something I don’t know.” I won’t push for anything specific even though I desperately want to, I’ll let him lead the conversation.

  “I aced the bar, beating everyone I went to school with. I'm kind of a big deal.”

  I sit up slightly, leaning on my elbow so I can see the smirk on his face. “I said something I don’t know. I think you’ve already told everyone in the world what a big deal you are.”

  He reaches his arm out and gently wraps his fingers around my throat. I don’t think he will ever know how much I love it when he does that to me. I can feel my eyes close slightly and my breath hitches. It’s not a sexual feeling I get from it, it’s like a sense of ownership, and I love that in those moments I'm his and only his.

  “I might tell everyone, but I only show a few people.” I know his words should make him sound like a egotistical ass, but all I can think is how lucky I am that I’m one of those people he’s shown. His hand loosens and falls back down to his chest, where he rubs gently over his skin. “But to tell you something you don’t know already, well, I have a really strange addiction to Twinkies.” I laugh at his confession. It’s not really what I had imagined he’d tell me, I was hoping more along the lines of when his birthday was, or maybe if he had any brothers or sisters.

  “I don’t think I've ever seen you with a Twinkie. You never seem to eat anything sweet, I thought that’s why your body is so fucking perfect.” My eyes drift over the body I'm talking about, and there is no way he eats rubbish when he looks like this.

  “I can’t eat them. I’m perfectly happy going without them, but once I start I will actually keep eating until I make myself sick. I remember one night I’d been out with Nathan. Remember him?” With a smirk on his face I can feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment. I can’t believe I got naked in front of his best friend. Thankfully he doesn’t wait for a response before he carries on. “We’d gone to some club but it was so bad. It was all 80’s neon and as far away from our scene as you can get. We ended up back at his house and while searching through his cupboards for something to eat, I found four boxes of them. He always hides them from me, knowing that I can’t be trusted with them. I sat for the next thirty minutes eating every single one of those things, then the next hour puking them back up.”

  I know my face is scrunched up in disgust, but I can’t help it. How can the man who has control over everything have such little will power over an addiction to Twinkies?

  “That is so gross. I don’t know if I'm more freaked out that you managed to eat all the damn things, or if it’s because you took longer to purge them than it did to eat them. I couldn’t eat one of those.” A shudder passes through my body but this time it has nothing to do with pleasure. I lie back down, with my body pressed into his side and his arm under my neck.

  “I don’t know if I can be with you anymore, that’s just too much.” I keep my voice deadly serious, but I know he doesn’t believe me for a second when he starts to laughs.

  “Come on then, Mr. Sensible. Tell me all your deep dark secrets.” I lie there for a few minutes staring at the ceiling, trying to decide if I should keep it light or if I should go a little deeper, let him really know me.

  “I haven’t spoken to my mom or dad for six years now. Not since the day my dad broke my wrist after catching me kissing another guy.” My words are met with silence, the only outward sign that he heard me is the slight tightening of his muscles. We lie quietly together and it doesn’t take long until it’s driving me crazy. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, and it seems like I did just that.

  I'm about to speak when Trey beats me to it, his voice soft and his words coming out slowly. “My parents were killed in a car crash when I was twenty-three and I almost gave up on everything.” His words make my breath catch in my throat and I just want to hold him, take away all the pain I can hear in his voice.

  I’m just about to move when he continues, so I lie still and listen as he relives what is probably the hardest thing he has ever been through. “They were driving home from visiting my brother and got caught in a storm. The rain made the road slippery, causing my dad to spin the car and they hit a semi head on. The police say they died instantly but they weren’t found for a while so we won’t ever know the truth. I need to know that they didn’t suffer, but I suppose that’s something I will never really be able to know. I had to go and make a formal identification of them, and I still remember what it felt like, standing there with Dalton as we looked down at the bodies that used to be my parents. They’d cleaned them up as much as they could but they were still cut up and damaged. It’s the way I will always remember them now.”

  I give in to my urge to hold him and I turn quickly before wrapping my arms around his chest tightly. I can feel tears building in my eyes and I can’t even imagine what he went through in that time of his life, how he managed to come back from such a horrible experience. “I never would have gotten through it if it hadn’t been for Nathan and Dalton. Everyone thinks I'm this really put together kind of guy, but I'm not. I don’t cope well when things go to shit, not inwardly anyway. I still look like me on the outside, but on the inside I give up. I think that’s another reason I don’t really trust anyone, because nearly everyone I've ever loved has left me.”

  I’ve never heard anyone sound as lost as he does just now, the pain in his voice is ripping my heart apart. I’d never imagine that Trey would ever feel anything less than the god I see him as. He's the person I look up to the most, the person I strive to be like, and to hear that his world has been shattered in the past and he survived, just makes me want to be like him even more. More than wanting to be like him, I want to be with him. Everything he tells me, things I'm sure he thinks make him look weak, make him the strongest person I’ve ever known.

  “I'm really sorry you had to go through that, I can’t even imagine what it was like.” I choose my words carefully, not wanting to say anything wrong. I love my parents, I just don’t like them in the slightest, but losing them would still hurt even after everything we’ve been through. My dad is very old fashioned and believes that being gay is the worst sin you could ever commit, but apparently beating your only child before kicking them out is acceptable.

  “It is what it is. I can’t change it so there’s no point thinking about it. I have to keep going, live the life I know they would want for me.” He might say he doesn’t think about it, but I'm sure he's lying. There’s no way that the accident isn’t always in his mind, even if it’s buried deep. I can see the pain etched on his face so I decide to change the subject to try and make him smile again.

  “So, is Dalton your brother?”

  “Yeah. He works in the military so isn’t home much. He's actually my twin.”

  I sit up quickly, my eyes widening as I look at him. “You mean there are two of you out there? And one of them wears a uniform?” I can’t help the shock in my voice. The vision of two Treys is just something I never would have imagined. To have two guys as perfect as him, well it just doesn’t seem fair to the rest of mankind.

  “Yes, but he's one hundred percent straight, so don’t be having any naughty thoughts about him.” He smiles as he speaks but it looks a little sad.
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  “Dammit, you have to ruin all my fun don’t you?” I sigh and roll my eyes, laughter escaping as I'm rolled over onto my back and pinned to the bed. I look up at Trey as his weight pushes me into the mattress.

  “Oh, so I'm not enough for you? You think that you might need someone else to add some fun?” Even though he tries to sound pissed off, I can see the sparkle in his eyes and I know he's playing with me.

  “Who wouldn’t want two of you? Don’t you think I could handle two men?” My voice comes out breathy, loving the feel of his weight against me. What I don’t expect is the look of hurt that flashes across his face. It passes quickly but I had been concentrating on his perfect face so hard I saw it.

  When he speaks his voice has also lost the humor that was there before, his words sounding very serious. “Is one of me not enough? Am I not enough?” The change in his demeanor shocks me. We were having a good time, joking with each other, and now he looks like he’s hurting. I do the only thing I can think of, I lift my hand to his cheek and stroke my thumb across it. Trey closes his eyes and leans into my palm. It’s a move he's never done before, and my heart breaks a little for him but I don’t know why. He always seems the most confident of men, but now he looks like a young boy who has never felt what it’s like to be loved.

  I stretch up and brush my lips across his, feeling the little sigh that leaves him as our lips touch. “Look at me, Trey.” I wait until he slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. There are so many stories in those sad eyes, and I wish he would share them with me, let me share his burden. “You are more than enough for me. Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong. You can trust me.”

  It takes him a few moments to answer, and so many emotions pass over his face. I don’t know what he's thinking, but I know that it’s hurting him. He leans down and kisses me, but this kiss is soft and full of emotion. It makes my breath catch in my chest, and when he slips inside my body again, I feel like crying. It’s so different, he feels different. There isn’t the usual dominance that he shows, this is just two people joining together, trying to become one. He leans his head onto my shoulder as he gently makes love to me. When he finally speaks I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him close to me, trying desperately to hide my tears.

  “I can’t trust anyone, Roman. I'm just not enough.”

  Chapter 17

  I turn in my chair and look out the full-length window that makes up the outside wall of my office. The city looks amazing today, or maybe it just looks that way because I'm just in a great mood. It snowed yesterday, leaving a slight covering over everything that I can see. I didn’t notice until the evening when I drove Roman back to the club to collect his car. I hadn’t planned on spending Sunday with him, but we were both enjoying each others company so much the time just ran away from us.

  We spent the whole day in bed, chatting about everything and nothing, and we only left to shower and answer the door for the food deliveryman. I haven’t spent time with someone like that in such a long time. Even with Bryce, we spent a few nights together but we didn’t talk like I did with Roman. It made me realize how much I missed being with someone, just being in the moment with someone who gets you. That one night with Roman was better than spending a hundred nights having sex with different men.

  The realization hit me hard as I watched him walk towards his car. I started missing him before he reached it, and I wanted nothing more than to take him home again and ignore the world for a few more days. I didn’t think I would ever let anyone into my heart after Bryce. When he cheated on me with his fighter I had been done, or so I thought. I had wanted nothing more to do with relationships, which is why I ended up at Roman’s club that night. I wanted a distraction, someone to sink my cock into so I could get rid of the pain that was ripping my heart apart. It would be easy and clean, nothing but hot sex. I was sure there was no way I was ever going to be able to let anyone into my heart, so imagine my surprise when my heart is screaming to let Roman in. Now I'm sitting looking out over the city, a huge smile on my face as I think about the man who might change everything.

  I'm pulled from my thoughts when the phone on my desk rings. I turn from the window and answer it, the smile still firmly in place. “Trey Colby.”

  “Well someone sounds like he got laid on Saturday. So did you get everything sorted with lover boy?” I can hear the humor in Nathan’s voice and I know he's revelling in the fact he has something to hold over me. Seeing my boyfriend naked wasn’t part of the plan on Saturday, but it happened and now I have to live with his constant fucking comments.

  Suddenly my mind registers the use of the title boyfriend. Who the fuck said he was my boyfriend? I don’t remember ever calling Roman that before, and I don’t know why I would suddenly use it now.

  “Earth to Trey.” Nathan’s voice pulls me back from my erratic thoughts about boyfriends.

  “Sorry, I'm here. Yeah, everything is sorted with Roman. I explained that I wasn’t happy and he realized he was in the wrong.” I'm met with laughter as I finish talking and I don’t know what I said that was funny.

  “I'm sure you showed him the error of his ways. Was his ass red with your hand or a whip?” My jaw drops open as he asks his question. I’ve never hidden my preference for a little kink when in the bedroom, and most people that go to the same clubs as me know what to expect if I spend time with them, but not once have I ever had this discussion with Nathan. It’s not the kind of thing that comes up in conversation, there are just some things you don’t share with your straight best friend, and since we very rarely go out together when we want to meet someone I never thought that he would know.

  “What are you talking about?” I try for an innocent voice, but I'm sure I couldn’t do one if my life depended on it.

  I hear more laughter, and I have to admit that it’s starting to piss me off. I'm very rarely on the back foot when it comes to Nathan, but today I feel like I'm constantly trying to play catch up.

  “Don’t play the innocent act with me, I have eyes, dude. The way you look at the guys you go after, you look like you’re hunting your prey. There is no way that you don’t devour them when you catch them, and I bet that doesn’t mean you're the one bending over. There is no way you do any taking in any of these little encounters.”

  I’m left speechless. I don’t even know what to say to him, every witty comment has left my brain. I didn’t know that I had made it so obvious about my intentions on the few times I have been out with Nathan. I always thought I played it cool. I actually prided myself on not showing my intentions the times we’ve been out. Shit. How could I make myself so easy to read?

  “There is also the night you got really drunk and told me in great detail how you liked to make your little fuck buddies asses bright red. Thanks for that image by the way.”

  Fucker! I can’t help the blush that works its way up my neck and across my cheeks, and I'm glad he's not here in person to see it. I don’t remember telling Nathan about that, and it makes me wonder what else I've told him when I’ve been under the influence. Thankfully I haven’t been drunk with him since I started seeing Roman, because that would be far too much information. He’s already seen far more of Roman than I wanted him to.

  I want to come back with a witty comment, give him something to show that he isn’t throwing me with this conversation, but all coherent thought has left me. “I just … I never …” Way to go Trey, that was such an articulate argument. Really showed him who’s boss.

  “Are you stuck for words? Oh man, I didn’t make the great Trey Colby stumble did I?” More fucking laughter.

  “No you didn’t, asshole. Now shut the fuck up and tell me why you called.” It wasn’t the cleverest of replies, but it worked for me.

  “I genuinely called to make sure you got everything sorted with Romeo, or Roman, or whatever the fuck he's called when you're banging him.”

  I sit quietly for a minute, trying to decide how much to tell him. Do I tell him I think I might be falling
in love with Roman? How deep into my feelings am I willing to go, because if I'm honest with Nathan then I'm going to have to be honest with myself.

  “Everything’s fine. We spent the night together and we’re good. I would have preferred he hadn’t shown you what he looked like naked though.” I’m going for a laugh, but my statement is met with a worrying silence. Nathan isn’t silent … ever.

  “Spit it out, Nathan. I know you have something to say so just go for it.” He's still silent and I can’t help the panic that’s starts to build inside me.

  “Nathan?” My voice is a bit louder than I planned, but I'm worried what he's about to say. Did he do something when I left him on Saturday? Does he not like Roman? I don’t need his approval, but it would be so much easier if he could get along with Roman.

  “I don’t know how to say this without you losing your shit.”

  Yeah, saying shit like that isn’t helping my anxiety. “Well you shouldn’t start with a sentence like that, and you need to spit it out or I am gonna lose it.” I pick up my pen and start clicking the top. It’s a habit I picked up while I was studying, and it’s my only tell in court when things are worrying me.

  “Stop bloody clicking, it isn’t bad. It’s just … and don’t fucking kill me okay?” He's still not helping himself here, and I start picturing beating the shit out of him. The first place my mind goes is that Nathan has slept with Roman, but hello … Nathan isn’t gay. He may be going through a little experimentation just now with men in a threesome situation, but I know Roman isn’t into that sort of thing. It’s one of the things we talked about last night; about how neither of us have ever been with a woman, that we both knew from an early age that we were gay.

  “It’s just … well …”

  “Just fucking spit it out!” I'm losing my patience, and I can’t decide if he's drawing this out on purpose or if he's really worried about saying it.