by T A. McKay
‘Trey, please open the door. I want to see you’
Before I even know what I'm doing, I do something that I haven’t done in the last few days. I reply to his message.
‘I can’t. I'm fine, just go home.’
I listen to the faint tone of Roman’s cell. After he reads the message he looks up to where I'm watching him through the peephole, almost like he knows I'm here.
“Please, Trey. I want to help you.” The sound of his voice has me closing my eyes, my hangover not the only thing causing me pain anymore. I turn and lean against the door, slipping down until I'm sitting on the ground and leaning back against it.
‘Please go home, Roman. I can’t do this with you.’
I know it’s the cowards way out but I also know there’s no way that I will be able to look him in the eye and be able to tell him to leave. If I look at him there’s a chance I will break down and let him comfort me. It would feel amazing to have him hold me just now, to feel his arms around me as I let him share in my pain.
“Trey, baby, please just let me in.”
I close my eyes and try to block out the pain in his voice. I feel my body hunger for him, eager to give in to the need to see him, to touch him, to just fucking hold him.
The silence that follows feels alive. It’s like a living thing between us surviving on the palpable emotions that we are giving off. I sit looking at my cell phone, part of me praying it doesn’t go off, but a bigger part of me wishing he would talk to me some more. When the phone stays silent I give in, cursing myself even as I type out a message and press send.
‘How’re things at the office?’
I really don’t care how things are, I haven’t thought about my job once since I found out about my brother, but it’s a way to keep Roman where he is so he will keep me company. Even though I won’t let him in, I still feel a sense of peace come over me knowing he's just outside the door.
‘I don’t know. I haven’t been there for a few days, but I'm sure that it’s surviving without us.’
My forehead scrunches up in confusion. Roman recently had time off at Thanksgiving so he wasn’t due any more, and I know he wasn’t booked in for vacation days. No one gets time off in December, and I may have checked his schedule to make sure I would be seeing him.
‘Why haven’t you been there?’
I know this would be a lot easier if I would just open the fucking door and speak to him, but as I look down at my three day old clothes I know that I don’t exactly look my best. Maybe after Roman leaves I should think about having a shower, and maybe a shave, and I should definitely brush my teeth.
‘Long story that I won’t bore you with.’
The thing is I want to know. I want to think about anything that isn’t to do with my brother for a few minutes. My life has been taken over with the grief of possibly losing him, and even though I am holding onto hope that he will be found, I just want to forget for a minute.
‘But it’s one I want to hear. Tell me about it, tell me about anything. I've been stuck in my own head for so long that I need to escape.’
I send the message before I think about what I've written, only realizing when I hear the message tone on the other side of the door that Roman has no idea what’s going on. The text sounds desperate and I know that if he’d been the one to send it to me then there would be no door that would keep us apart.
“Trey, please tell me what’s wrong. Is it your brother? Is everything okay? I just want to help you, I'm here for you.” When he mentions my brother I can feel the tears build behind my eyes, and I take a deep breath, trying to keep them at bay. I have spent far too long crying, grieving for a brother who isn’t gone.
“Everything will be fine, I just needed a few days to sort out my head.” My voice sounds croaky from lack of use, and I know that Roman must hear it. I listen for his reply, but it’s cut off by the sound of his cell ringing. I listen to the one sided conversation and wondering who it is since Roman keeps apologizing. When he says goodbye to the person on the phone, I hear him sigh and it intrigues me even more.
“I'm really sorry, Trey. I need to go. That was … someone that I can’t put off. But I’ll come back if you want me to once I'm done. If you want to talk, or maybe grab a movie, just text me and I will get my ass back over here.”
I really want to tell him not to go, to not leave me on my own again, but I know that’s being selfish. I can’t leave him sitting out there on the floor just so I can feel better, so he can soothe my nerves without him even knowing. I need some time to get myself together before I see him and this is my chance to finally get my act together. The world can’t stop turning because Dalton is missing. I need to keep moving forward with my own life and prepare just in case he doesn’t come home.
“It’s fine. Just go, I’ll be fine.” I don’t mean to sound as annoyed as I do, but it’s too late to take it back. I just hope that he doesn’t notice, but I know that it’s a big hope. I’ve never met anyone as perceptive as Roman. He seems to be able to read me better than anyone else. He knows my moods before I do most of the time, dealing with them before I have a chance to acknowledge them.
“I would totally stay if I could, but it was work and I need to go.”
I stand when I hear movement on the other side of the door, my eye going back to the peephole. I watch as Roman brushes his hands over his pants, and I can’t help but wish it was my hands doing it. As much as I don’t want to let him in and I don’t trust him enough to stick around, I want to grab a hold and never let him go. I want to give him every single part of me, and the fact I want to do that means I need to stay away from him as much as possible. He is my weakness and it’s a weakness that will destroy me in the end.
“It’s fine. I have stuff to do. Goodbye, Roman.” I keep as silent as possible as I continue to watch him. He reaches out his hand and places it on the outside of my door, a look of sadness covering his face. I put my hand on the inside of the door, wishing the wood would vanish so I could touch him.
He takes a deep breath and when he exhales I hear the words softly leaving him. “I miss you, Trey.” He walks away and I follow him until he moves too far for me to see any more, but I still stand there for what seems like hours, just watching the hall outside.
“I miss you, Roman.” I whisper the words to no-one, and I feel my heart break as I realize that I will spend my life missing him, because he is the one thing I can’t have.
Chapter 19
I close Mr. Rose’s door behind me and allow myself to take the first deep breath in what feels like weeks. After meeting with the partners yesterday, I basically got my ass handed to me for attacking Quincy in the office. They never actually came out and asked if his accusations are true, but they certainly hinted at it … a lot. When I refused to answer any questions related to Trey, they moved on and told me that I was free to return to work, even if Mr. Jamieson hadn’t looked happy about it in the slightest. I'm sure he doesn’t like me much and is looking for any excuse to get rid of me, but thankfully my work record is impeccable, so that saved me this time.
Now I get to return to my desk and try to ignore all the stares that I’ll probably get. The office went quiet when I exited the elevator this morning. All eyes turning to me and watching as I put my bag in my cubicle before I approached the boardroom. I unpack my bag, placing the few case files I was permitted to take to study, on my desk. Taking a seat in front of my computer, my smile grows as I finally get back to work.
It’s not long before the people in the office have lost all interest in me, the work of a normal day taking their attention. A few people have stopped by for a chat, but nothing out of the ordinary. The only person I haven’t seen so far is Quincy, and as much as I would love to think he’s now in a different department or that he's been fired, but I heard someone say that he’s working with Mr. Jamieson on a case, so is in the records room looking for files. It’s the one place I’m determined not to go near today, because I’m not s
ure I would be able to keep my hands from wrapping around his neck.
I grab my coffee cup and get ready to go make myself a fresh cup when the elevator sounds. I look up briefly, my eyes widening when I see Trey walk from between the opening doors. I still my movements, my ass hovering above my seat as he walks past me without even as much as a glance in my direction. All eyes are on him, people watching him until he enters his office and shuts the door. As soon as it clicks closed I feel all the energy drain from my body and I collapse into my chair fully, torn on the decision what to do next. Even though he didn’t even look in my direction, and I saw him only for a few seconds, I could see how terrible he truly looked. People in the office might not have noticed, but I have studied Trey’s face for long enough to know that he's suffering. There are dark circles under his eyes, and even though he looks clean-shaven and his hair is styled, there is a gauntness to his face that makes me think he hasn’t eaten for a while. It’s the look I get after I spend the weekend drinking, forgetting that I need to eat as well as drinking alcohol to stay alive. It makes me want to rush to him, to take care of him while he deals with whatever is hurting him. I know it has something to do with his brother, there’s no other explanation since the last time I saw him he was being escorted out by men in uniform. I’ve heard the whispers around the office, people speculating about what happened, and most of them make me laugh. One said that Trey had gone AWOL from the army and they had finally caught up with him, taking him to be court marshaled. Another stated that he had enrolled and he was finally getting deployed, and as much as they make me shake my head, I want to know what is happening.
I grab my cup and go to the break room, deciding that I will make Trey a coffee while I get my own. My stomach is in knots as I grab his cup, not knowing what sort of reaction I will get when I go to his office. I hope he will be happy to see me, that he will give me that smile that I am falling in love with, but I’m not feeling confident. When I left yesterday I thought we had made headway, but I text him last night to see how he was and I didn’t get a reply. He was probably asleep, or at least that’s what I told myself, but I thought he would have text me when he got up if he wanted to talk.
Taking a deep breath I reach my hand out and knock on his door, unknowingly holding my breath until he speaks.
“Come in.” His voice is loud, almost angry sounding, but the sound of it has my heart racing in my chest. It feels like months since I spent the night with him, and I've missed him so much, more than I ever imagined I would. I've never had a serious relationship before, my lack of confidence usually being a big issue to the people around me. The funny thing is, since I met Trey I haven’t suffered from my normal paralyzing embarrassment, well if you don’t count the first time I spoke to him in the office. Heat rises to my cheeks as I remember the way I stuttered through our conversation, making me think that he would avoid me for the rest of his life.
I open the door, slowly entering as he looks at something on his desk. Even though he looks tired, he still looks fucking amazing. I have never met anyone who works a tailored suit as well as he does. He looks as though he belongs on a catwalk, not behind a desk working to protect people.
“I brought you a coffee.”
He hasn’t looked at me and I'm feeling a little awkward standing here holding onto the cup. He still doesn’t lift his head, but I see him looking through his eyelashes at me before he points at the desk next to where his files are.
“Thank you. Just leave it there and close the door behind you.” And just like that I'm dismissed. I wish I could say that it doesn’t hurt but that would be a lie. It stings like a fucker and it takes everything in me not to throw the cup at him and run from the room crying.
Instead I move towards his desk and put the cup down, trying desperately to stop my hand from shaking so much. I haven’t felt like this around him in a long time, and I can’t shake the feeling that I'm not good enough for him. That I'm stupid for wasting his time, that I’ll never be someone he will want to be with. I stand in front of his desk, waiting for him to do something, anything, that will give me hope that he isn’t trying to push me away, but nothing happens. He doesn’t even look up at me when he speaks.
“Was there anything else you needed?”
I shake my head, not trusting my voice not to break if I was to speak, and make my way to the door. I look back at him, silently pleading with him to look at me, do anything that will give me hope that this isn’t over, but there’s nothing. He continues to work on the file in front of him like I'm not standing there in the doorway. I close the door quietly, not wanting to make too much noise. I don’t want people to look over here and witness my destruction, because that’s what’s just happened. Trey has just taken everything I have and used it to destroy any hope I had of being with him. I need to face the fact that I'm not good enough for Trey, I never was.
As soon as the door closes I let out the breath I’d been holding while Roman was standing in front of me. It took all my will power not to go to him, to pull him into my arms and just hold him close. The sound of his voice when he opened the door just about floored me, and I was glad I was sitting down or my knees would’ve given out. He has this hold over me, and I hate it and love it in equal measures. I can’t believe that even after ignoring him for days he still went and made me a coffee. He took time to think of me when I have given him no reason to. Fuck, he's making it so hard to walk away from him.
After he left last night I made a lot of decisions, most of them about Roman. I know that I can’t give him everything he deserves, all the love that someone like him needs to be happy, so I'm going to stop this thing before it goes any further. Even thinking about not being with him I can feel my heart aching with the loss, but I'm just not at that place in my life where I can give him me. As much as I want to throw caution to the wind and tell him that he has all of me, I can’t. This situation with my brother has broken a deep part of my soul, and I can’t risk anything else, and that’s what Roman is. He's a risk, because someone like him can get any man he wants, and eventually he will realize I'm not worth the pain that I’ll cause him. When he sees that, he will leave me, so why put us both through all that.
I'm pulled from my thoughts when there’s a knock at the door. My heart starts to race as I hope it’s Roman. Even if I can’t be with him, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see him and spend time with him. As selfish as it sounds, I need him around to calm my soul.
“Come in.” I try to keep my voice calm as I call out, not wanting to give away my excitement of him coming back after the way I just treated him. My excitement flat lines when Quincy walks through the door, that shit eating grin of his plastered to his face. He closes the door behind him, which pisses me off even more. Even Roman kept the door open, not taking it upon himself to close us both in my office. This is Quincy though; he seems to think he is the most important person around here when in reality he is a waste of fucking oxygen.
“What?” I can’t even bring myself to be civil to him anymore as he stands there. All I want to do is walk around my desk and punch him in his arrogant face.
“I thought I would come and offer my services to you since you lost your little plaything Roman.”
I look at him with confusion, his words not making any sense to me. Why the hell is he calling Roman my little plaything? I know that he's just trying to get a reaction from me, and as much as I don’t want to give him one, I bite. “What the hell are you talking about, Quincy?”
One side of his lips curls up as he strolls closer to my desk. He’s never taken liberties like this, even though as he’s a bad worker he has always known his place. Now he's acting as though he's the boss and can do whatever the hell he wants.
“I just didn’t know that I needed to offer more of myself to get further in the company. If I had know then I could’ve been a little more helpful months ago.” He walks over to me, leaning his ass against my desk next to my arm. He runs his hand up my arm and I
flinch back, wondering what alternative universe I've found myself in. “I'm just letting you know that now that Roman is out of the picture, I can be your way to burn off excess energy.”
I just look at him, figuring he’s lost his mind. I know I must look crazy with my mouth open and my eyes as wide as saucers, but I can’t help but feeling that I'm losing my mind. I don’t know if I'm more shocked that he knows about Roman, or the fact that he’s offering himself up to me. I didn’t even know he was gay, not that I've ever really taken time to get to know anything about him.
“Quincy, I seriously have no fucking idea what you're talking about. And get the hell off my desk.” I push him off my desk as I get to my feet, hating that I feel he has all the power here. I know I’ve been off my game since my brother went MIA but that doesn’t mean I'm going to let someone like Quincy get the better of me. Even on my worst day I’m better than Quincy on his best. He straightens but doesn’t move around the desk like I wish he would. Instead he crowds me, his chest nearly touching mine.
“Well, we all know that Roman fucked you to get his day in court, so I just want my chance. This is clearly the best way to get it.” The ringing in my ears starts quickly as he starts to speak, but by the time he’s finished it’s loud enough to almost block him out. People know I slept with Roman, why didn’t he tell me? He could have fucking warned me what had happened while I was gone. Even as I say the words I know how unfair I'm being to him, because I'm the one who cut him out and stopped answering his texts and calls.
