by T A. McKay
“How do you know that?”
Quincy looks particularly pleased with himself as I speak, like he has just learnt something very important. “Well I didn’t know for sure until now. I just guessed with the way that he defended you the last time you were here. Oh and the fact that he got suspended for attacking me.” So much information is hitting me at one time that I'm getting confused, and that in turn gets me pissed off. I’m usually the first to know everything but now I'm racing to try and catch up.
“Suspended? And he attacked you?” I rub my hand over my forehead trying to ease the tension there before it turns into a headache. My plan for today was to come into the office, spend some time catching up with my cases and then go home. No fuss, no drama. Now I’m being dealt surprises from all directions.
“Yeah, when you were escorted out of here there were whispers of why. Roman didn’t like someone’s answer so he took it out on me. He split my lip and got suspended for the pleasure. I had no idea he was so dangerous to be around. It’s probably for the best that you’re trying to separate yourself from him now you’ve gotten what you wanted. I watched earlier, that was an impressive cold shoulder you gave him.” No matter how sincere Quincy is trying to sound, there’s that underlying tone of self-satisfaction.
There’s no way that Roman took his anger for someone else out on Quincy. I'm actually shocked he took any sort of anger out on anyone. He isn’t the kind of guy that would start a fight; he is more likely to run away from any sort of conflict. Even when he thought I’d brought someone else to the club he didn’t approach me, choosing instead to try and sneak out without me knowing.
I look at Quincy’s mouth and there is evidence of an injury there, a thin split running across his bottom lip, proving at least that part of his story is true. I make a mental note to go talk to Bonnie, the office manager, about what happened while I was gone. I get into Quincy's face, trying not to focus on the fact that he said that Roman had stood up for me with everyone in the office. These are the people he works with every day, the people that are his potential friends, and he took my side.
I ignore the feeling of warmth that spreads through my body, putting on my best pissed off expression as I try to make things very clear to Quincy. “I will tell you this only once, Quincy. I don’t care what you think you know, what little rumors you have managed to spread while I haven’t been here, but you have it all wrong. I don’t do favors for sex, never have and never will. I don’t need to. I have men beating down my door for a chance of one night with me. But even if I did, the last person I would sink my cock into would be you. I don’t fuck losers, no matter how long they can spend on their knees. What ever happened or happens between Roman and me has nothing to do with you. So if you don’t want me to finish what Roman apparently started, you will keep your stupid mouth shut and stay the fuck out of my way.” I don’t raise my voice, letting my tone speak volumes.
His eyes widen as I continue to speak, my calmness obviously scaring him more than any shouting would. I don’t want to raise my voice, there is no anger in my words, just a very important promise, and one I will keep if he steps out of line with Roman. I might not be anything important to Roman, but I will protect him from everything I can.
A door slamming catches my attention and I turn to see Quincy closing the door to Trey’s office. I saw him going in there over ten minutes ago and I’ve tried to keep myself occupied since. I needed to distract myself or I would have probably gone over and put my ear to the door, trying to see what was happening inside. I can’t believe that he allowed Quincy to stay when he basically chased me off. After everything he's done, everything he's said, how can Trey stand being in the same room as him? Of course, I don’t know if Trey knows the problems that Quincy caused when he wasn’t here, or the fact that I was asked to take a few days off when I punched him, but still, the guy is a loser.
But now he's exited, and every part of my body tells me not to look over, to not make it obvious that I care, but apparently the part of me that loves to suffer makes me turn in my chair. I see Quincy standing there, his hair messy like someone has run hands through it, and his cheeks are flushed red. He turns and looks in my direction, and when his eyes connect with mine his lips turn up into a gloating smile. I should turn away, I should stop letting him into my head but I just can’t stop looking, even when he licks his lips and wipes a finger over them.
In that second I know my worst nightmares just happened in that office. Quincy just took away the last connection that I had with Trey, he took away what was mine. I turn to my desk and grab my bag, not even bothering to pick up my laptop, and race towards the elevator. I need to get out of here. I can’t stay knowing what happened in there. I feel the tears building in my eyes as my heart shatters in my chest, the sharp edges trying to rip through the rest of my body. I don’t even realize I'm sobbing when the doors open in front of me and I race in, pressing the button for the bottom floor franticly until the doors close. Only then do I let myself completely crumble. When my back hits the far corner of the elevator I sink to the floor, all the tears and pain finally breaking free from my trembling body.
Chapter 20
“What did you do this time?”
I look away from the punch bag I'm taking my temper out on and wipe the sweat from my head. I don’t answer Nathan’s question, instead I just point towards the ring across the gym from us. He lets out a sigh but follows after me. I know it’s not right to take my frustrations out on him, but it will give me more satisfaction than punching something that can’t fight back. As much as I want to hit something, I'm also looking for the pain I get from a fight. I think it’s what I'm needing to feel human again, to sort out all the shit in my head. Pain will help me focus, or at least that’s what I'm hoping.
Nathan picks up gloves from the bench as he walks past it, and using his knees he pushes his hands into them. I climb into the ring and watch with a smirk on my lips as he uses his teeth to tighten the laces. When he seems satisfied with his gloves he walks towards the ring and bends down to enter it. Benny the gym manager comes over with two head guards in his hand, and I know he's about to attempt to get us to wear them. Every time I spar with Nathan we get told to put them on, and every time we tell him to stick them somewhere not pleasant. I know he needs to make the effort for the gyms liability, but there’s no way that I'm wearing one of those things.
I shake my head at Benny, making sure I catch his eye and I see him roll his. Nathan turns to see who I'm talking to, and as soon as he sees Benny moving towards us he bursts out laughing.
“Benny, my man, I would just walk away. You know that is totally not happening.”
“Hey, I had to try. Just remember guys, you hurt each other it’s on you.” With that he turns away from us and walks back to spot a woman who’s lifting weights. While my attention is on what’s happening outside the ring, Nathan takes the opportunity to get a bitch punch in, hitting me square in the jaw. I shake my head trying to clear the fuzziness there. I lick my lip and taste blood. The look on Nathan’s face confirms that he's done some damage, and he is more than happy that he did it first.
“Been a long time since you drew first blood, but just so you know, it will be the last.” He gets a wicked smile on his face as I speak and I know that he's going to make me fight for this win. We circle each other, neither of us making the first move, knowing it will be a mistake. I keep my gloves up in front of my face, knowing that if I drop my guard I will risk another bruise on my jaw.
“You gonna fight back?”
I resist the urge to lash out at Nathan, knowing full well he’s trying to draw me into fighting. This is how he does it, how he gets me to work out all my anger and frustrations. He talks shit until I'm so angry that I just punch. He's my best friend and I hate that he knows when I'm close to losing it completely, knows that I need to release some tension before it all becomes too much.
“So we have trash talking Nathan tonight?”
T
hat smile is back and it confirms that I’m right about his plan. “Not at all. I was just wondering how well Bryce’s man fights. Bet he draws first blood and fights back.” I know he’s baiting me but I can’t help the anger that spreads through my body anyway. Bringing Bryce into this fight is low, especially when he knows how I felt when he cheated on me.
I flex my hands inside the glove but still I don’t throw a punch. He’ll have to work harder than that to make me fight.
“I mean have you seen the guy? He’s a fucking god. I bet he's amazing in the sack.”
I feel my muscles tense seconds before I lash out, catching him on his cheek and snapping his head back. He shakes his head and turns to me, smiling that he finally got to me.
“There he is. Now, are we gonna fight or do I need to go find Roman and work out my excess energy?”
And just like that Nathan gets his wish as I move quickly across the canvas and lay punch after punch into his body. He protects his face but lets me take all my anger out on him. I know I should pull my punches, not hurt him as much as I am, but I can’t. All the pent up anger I've been feeling for the last few months comes to a head. All the pain from what Bryce put me through, my brother being missing and me being helpless to do anything, the pain I feel knowing that I need to let Roman go. It all finds its way to the surface and boils over.
My punches become slower as my energy fades, but the anger is still there, still raging inside me and demanding an outlet. I lean my head against Nathan’s chest, my punches barely registering on his skin as I give up the fight to be strong. The first sob takes me by surprise, but when Nathan wraps his arms around my shoulder I can’t hold back anymore and I let go of everything that’s been eating me from inside. All the anger and pain, all the frustrations and confusion, I let it all out against Nathan’s chest. I wrap my arms around his waist as he pulls me closer, accepting the comfort that he's giving me.
“It’s about fucking time. You can’t deal with all this on your own, Trey. You need someone who can help you through. Dealing with it alone doesn’t make you strong, it makes you a fucking idiot.” His words cause more sobs to painfully rip through me, and I know he's right. I know I need to let someone help me handle the load but I don’t have anyone. I've spent the last few years pushing everyone away so there’s no one but him. It’s a sad thought, and as I stand there I realize that maybe I’ve given up the one person who might have been more, but it’s too late now. I have pushed Roman too far, and there is no way he will ever forgive me.
“And you're sure that there’s something going on between Trey and Quincy?” I watch as Grey takes a drink of vodka straight from the bottle, his face screwing up as the liquid burns as he swallows. “Fuck I hate vodka.” I would be more worried about him not liking vodka if I had brought the bottle for him, but I didn’t. I just wanted to come home on my own tonight and get drunk. Drowning my sorrows in as much alcohol as I could stomach seemed like the appropriate course of action for a broken heart. I didn’t realize that it was Grey’s two days off, but if I'm honest I'm glad he's here.
“I know what a kissed mouth looks like, and I swear his hair was messed up.”
He rolls his eyes and I have the urge to reach over and poke them with my fingers. He just doesn’t understand what I saw. The way that Quincy looked when he left the office, he was flushed and that fucking smile, that’s what told me the smug fucker had gotten something I hadn’t.
“I just don’t see Trey doing it with a guy like Quincy.”
“How the fuck would you know? You’ve never met either of them!” I don’t mean to snap at him, but he’s sitting there like he saw everything. I know what I saw, and no one will convince me that I'm wrong.
“Well fucking excuse me. I'm just saying if Trey had the taste to go with you, then Quincy, who I have met by the way, wouldn’t even rate.”
I grab the bottle from him and take a large gulp, hissing when it hits my throat. I know I'm going to regret drinking so much in the morning, but it’s not like I have anywhere I need to be. I decided that I'm not going in tomorrow and if they have a problem with that then they can kiss my ass. I’ve had enough of the place to last me a lifetime, and I need to walk away for a few days or I'm going to leave permanently. I was willing to take their suspension to stick up for Trey, to get people to stop spreading shit about him, but I won’t stay there and watch as he humiliates me while he messes around with Quincy. I don’t want to see him with anyone, but I think seeing him with the guy I hate the most in the world is worse than anything.
I take another large drink, the burn not hurting as much this time. Hopefully soon it won’t register at all, because that means I have drunk enough to make myself numb.
“I know what I saw.” My voice is small and I hate myself for it. I shouldn’t let any man have this much control over my life, but Trey isn’t just any man. He's the only man I've ever imagined spending the rest of my life with.
“I'm just saying that maybe you got it wrong. You said that Trey was cheated on before and now he won’t let anyone close to him in case it happens again. I don’t think that sounds like a man who would cheat on someone else. Maybe you should ask him what’s going on?”
I hate that he makes sense, but I know that I won’t be asking Trey anything. “I don’t know if I can. If he confirms what I already know, well that will destroy me.” I take a drink, finally feeling the numbness spread through my body.
“Because you are holding it together so well now?”
I snort at his question. It’s at times like this that I hate the fact he knows me so well. I can bullshit other people, but Grey sees through it all. I take a last drink and hand him the bottle, swallowing before I lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. My head is such a confused mess and I know that I need to work everything out, but it’s just too hard to think tonight. I plan to just lie here until I fall asleep, but my mouth has other ideas and I'm talking before I realize it.
“I'm just so confused. One minute I feel like we’re making headway, that he's finally letting me into his life, and the next minute he’s running from me. I know he doesn’t trust anyone, he's told me that so many times, but I haven’t done anything to show him he can’t trust me. I've done nothing but have his back, nothing but love him the best I can. The time I spent with him has been … just everything. And now he's ruined it by being with Quincy.” I sigh when I finish, letting silence settle around us.
“You love him?”
I chuckle at his question and it earns me a kick to my shoulder.
“Don’t laugh at me, that was a serious question.”
I turn my head, looking at Grey as he gives me a sad smile. “I can’t believe out of everything I said that’s the only thing you heard. But to answer your question, yes, I think I love him.” Admitting my feelings to someone is a revelation. I’ve thought a few times that maybe I had feelings for Trey, strong feelings, but hearing myself say that I love him has my heart racing in my chest. I love him. I love Trey Colby. Instead of the admission making me happy, it rips my heart apart inside my chest. He’s the first person that I’ve ever had these feelings for, and now he is going to be the first guy to break my heart.
I feel tears dripping down the side of my face but I don’t move to wipe them away. What’s the point when I know that more will fall in their place? God, why am I letting Trey have this much control over me, why am I letting him decide everything? I sit up suddenly, the action causing Grey to jump where he's sitting. I turn to look at him, tilting my head as he looks at me with wide eyes.
“What? What did I do?” I can’t help the chuckle that comes out of me while I angrily wipe the tears from my cheeks. This is it, this is the turning point in my life. As much as I want Trey, I can’t let him make me feel this way any longer. I don’t want to mourn something that’s apparently one sided. I refuse to be treated like I'm worth nothing. All my life I have accepted being overlooked by everyone, but if Trey taught me one thing about myself, it�
�s that I'm worth more than that. I deserve someone who will give me everything I want, someone who deserves me. If I can get a guy like Trey more than once, then maybe there are others that will see the part of me he did.
“Nothing. I'm just realizing that I'm turning into one of those guys.”
Grey looks confused, and I laugh genuinely this time. “You know the ones that we see at the club. The ones that chase the guy who doesn’t want them, and when they get turned down they turn into drama queens. Like Rufus. Remember when that guy he liked told him he was straight, it was like someone had told him that his balls were rotting from the inside.”
It’s Grey’s turn to laugh this time, and I know he's remembering the fall out we had to deal with that night backstage at the club. The tears and the wailing, I swear I've never seen anyone act so much like a diva before. I refuse to become like that.
“Shit, I totally forgot about that night. So you don’t want to get drunk and threaten to jump off a bridge?”
I grab the bottle of vodka from beside him, taking a drink before shaking my head. “I don’t mind the getting drunk part, because well it’s here, but I think I will put on my big girl panties and suck it up. So one guy out there doesn’t want me, no big deal. I just have to find someone who does.” I try to pretend that the words aren’t ripping my heart to shreds as I speak them. As much as I want Trey I refuse to sit around here and wait for him. He had his chance to let me in this afternoon, but he didn’t. This is my wake up, and I need to use it as that.
I'm lying in my bed trying to get the ceiling to stop spinning. I should have stopped drinking hours ago when I finished the bottle of vodka, but the numbness felt too comfortable. I haven’t spent time with Grey for a while, our work schedules never matching up, and it was nice to see how things are going with him. He told me that he was getting sick of being single, that his work is making him lonely, and horny. I laughed when he went on to tell me how horny he was, and after offering to help him out, Grey told me I had drunk too much and I needed to go to bed. I felt okay when I first got here, but after lying still for a few minutes I knew that it was going to be a long night. I should have stopped drinking at numb, but I kept going until I reached wasted.
