The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “Morning. Rough night?”

  He gives me the finger as he yawns and I can’t help but laugh at him. I place the plate of French toast in the middle of the table before returning to grab two cups of coffee. By the time I'm back at the table, Roman is sitting eating a slice of toast already. He smiles at me around a full mouth and shrugs his shoulders.

  When he has finished what’s in his mouth he finally speaks for the first time this morning. “Sorry. I'm starving and I just couldn’t wait. These are amazing.”

  I place his coffee next to him and sit back in my seat while I take a drink. I just watch him eat, content in the domestic feel of this whole thing. I’ve always wanted to settle down, and I’ve probably given my heart too easily to the wrong guys and ended up hurt. With Roman I pushed him away and in doing so I made our feelings stronger. As much as I wish I had realized my feelings sooner, I know that it wouldn’t have been the right thing for us. This is who we are, and this is the way it’s meant to be for us.

  “Move in with me.” I don’t even phrase it like a question, because that would give him an option and I'm not doing that. I want this with him. I want to spend lazy mornings in his company, watch movies together until we fall asleep on the couch, and I want his clothes in my bedroom and his shoes under my bed. I want to wake up with him every single morning until I no longer have breath left in my body. He stops eating, his hand freezing half way to his mouth. I'm about to tell him what I want, all the reasons I need him here with me, when he opens his mouth and speaks one word before stuffing more food inside it.

  “Okay.”

  I just nod my head and continue watching him eat. I hope I look calm on the outside, because inside I just want to run around the apartment screaming in excitement. Then I want to go straight over to his place, pack all his belongings up and bring them here today. I don’t want to spend another night without him, but I know that I can’t rush this. He has things he needs to sort out, a room mate and best friend that he has to organize moving with, so I can give him a week to sort it out … maybe.

  I'm just about to tell him that he has a week to get his shit together when the house phone rings. I look at the clock on the wall and see that it’s just past ten o’clock. I have no idea who could be calling me, especially on the morning after Christmas. My mind instantly goes to Dalton and I point to the phone that is right next to Roman.

  “Answer that, quickly.”

  His eyes widen at my panicked voice, and he grabs the handset off the cradle. “Hello.”

  I watch him carefully as he listens to the person on the other end of the call. He shakes his head as he speaks to the person, obviously realizing who I think it might be. I take a deep breath, not sure if I'm happy that it isn’t about my brother, or upset that I still haven’t heard anything.

  Roman covers the handset, his voice going quiet as he speaks. “It’s Bryce.”

  My mouth goes dry at the mention of his name. I haven’t spoken to him since the night I walked out on him months ago, and I didn’t think I would ever speak to him again. Roman looks at me with sympathy, knowing what I went through when I broke up with Bryce.

  I hold my hand out for the phone, taking a minute to brace myself before I speak. “Hey, Bryce.”

  There is a moment’s silence before the voice that broke my heart speaks. “Hi, Trey.” We are both struggling with what to say, but he called me so he must have a really good reason.

  “What do you want?” I try to keep my voice light as I ask him the question, but I know it comes out sounding bitchy. Roman watches me closely across the table as he drinks his coffee.

  “I'm sorry I called you in the holidays, but it couldn’t wait until later. I would have gone to someone else if I could have, but you are the best and that’s what we need.” He’s rambling, the emotion clear in his voice as he speaks. When he says we, I expect to feel pain knowing he means him and Zeke, but watching Roman makes everything very clear. I'm not hurting anymore, I don’t feel anything as I speak to Bryce and it’s because of Roman. He took the parts of me that were broken apart and he glued them back together without me even noticing. Now that I think about it, I know that I didn’t hurt for long after Bryce left, a few weeks at most. It was more my pride that was hurt, but Roman took my mind off what should have been a horrible time, and now that I'm talking to Bryce there is no anger or hate. All I have is understanding. I get it now, if I was with someone when I met Roman, there’s no way I could have resisted him even though I knew I should have. Bryce fell in love and I can’t hold it against him.

  “What can I help you and Zeke with?” I make sure I keep my voice light this time, smiling at Roman as he visibly relaxes. I listen as Bryce explains that the MMA league are thinking of giving into pressure from the fans to strip Zeke of the title that he won before he came out. They won’t take the money from him, but they would take back the belt that he won fairly in his last fight. I feel Bryce’s anger as he speaks about the petition that was set up by Zeke’s one-time fans, and the online attacks that they have been suffering since the video of them kissing at the fight went viral. I hate that they are going through this, and as much as I would like to pass their case on to someone else, I know I'm the best one to help them win.

  “Will you help us?”

  I know I should refuse, that seeing them together may be more than I can handle, but I just can’t let them lose this fight. “I will, and my boyfriend who is a law student will be helping us too.” At the mention of him, Roman raises his eyebrows and I want to get off the phone quickly so I can kiss him. I organize to meet with both of them after the New Year in my office, and before I hang up Bryce says my name.

  “I'm glad you have someone, Trey. I'm really sorry for what I did to you, and I've wanted to say that for a long time. Are you happy?”

  If he had called even just a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to answer him, since I didn’t know if I was, but now I can answer him without any hesitation. “I am, Bryce. I'm very happy. Losing you was the best thing that ever happened to me, and it made me open myself up to the man I love.”

  “Good. I wanted nothing but the best for you, and that’s one lucky guy.”

  I say goodbye to Bryce, my eyes never leaving Roman as I put the phone on the table and stand, stalking towards him slowly. He gets up from his chair and backs away from me until his ass hits the worktop.

  A smile twitches at the sides of his mouth as I cage him in with my arms. “You’ve nowhere left to run.”

  “Who says I want to run?”

  I press into his body, making sure he really can’t escape. I press kisses all over Roman’s face and neck, nipping his skin every now and again. When my teeth connect with his flesh, his hips flex forward, grinding into me.

  “Was that your ex?”

  I nod my head, making a noise of agreement against his neck. I'm not planning on stopping kissing him until I have him naked and I'm on my knees.

  “And you're taking a case from him?”

  I just nod again and make the same noise as I slip my hands inside the top of his pajama pants.

  His breath stutters and I can’t help the smile that breaks through. “And your boyfriend is helping?”

  I curl my hand around his erection and he groans. I don’t bother answering him this time, not wanting to talk about my ex while I'm holding his dick. “When are you moving in?” I think it’s my turn to ask a question, and mine is the most important one.

  “I don’t know. I need to talk to Grey and work out when he can get someone to replace me. I need to know there’s someone to cover my rent.”

  I remove my hand from his bottoms, moving them to cup his face. “I’ll pay your part of the rent until he gets someone new.” He goes to speak but I silence him with a finger. “Don’t you dare say no. I have enough money to cover your rent for a few months. The most important thing is having you here with me. I thought I loved other men in the past, but it’s been nothing compared to what I fe
el for you. You never let me push you away, even when I treated you like shit. You didn’t let me get away with anything, and you showed me what it was really like to trust someone. There’s no way to explain what you mean to me, but I will show you every day for the rest of my life, and to do that I need you here with me.”

  Every time I think I've seen Roman at his most beautiful, he proves me wrong. The smile that he gives me would make any man weak at the knees, and it makes me even more thankful that he's mine.

  “Well how am I meant to say no to that?” In the space of a breath we are a tangle of hands and mouths. Passion erupts between us and we struggle to gain dominance over each other. None of our previous times together have been like this, one of us clearly taking the lead and making the decisions. Now it feels like we’re equals, and for the first time in my life I’m happy to give over some of the power.

  Roman came into my life when I needed him the most, and brought with him everything I needed to heal and grow. I didn’t know it when I met him but fate was with me that night in the club. I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect man for me. He is everything I want and more. I love Roman Knox with all my heart, and he showed me that anything is possible when you have that one important thing.

  Trust.

  The End

  Epilogue

  I turn my head away from the light that’s trying to blind me, praying that the fucker that is tap dancing in my head decides to stop. I feel like shit this morning and I would try to remember how much I had to drink last night but it would hurt too much to use my brain for anything more than basic survival. I try to pry my eyes open but I feel like I’m looking directly at the surface of the sun and it’s burning my eyes directly from my head.

  I pick up the pillow and place it carefully over my head. I just need a few more hours sleep and I might be up to doing something other than lying here. I turn away from the direction of the window, facing the middle of the bed, and try to get the bass drum in my head to stop banging. I need to just give in to the pain and sleep, but my bladder is so full it’s actually hurting now.

  I groan as I push myself up in bed, taking it slower than I really should need to. I'm hoping if I don’t make any sudden movements my churning stomach won’t feel the need to empty itself, because if I was to vomit I think my head would explode over the bathroom walls. I carefully open one eye slightly, letting it become accustomed to the light in a very careful fashion. I brace my hands on my knees and with as little movement as possible I push myself up to standing. My head pounds as my stomach churns, but I keep going, determined to get this over and done with as quickly as possible. I just want to get back into bed and sleep until tomorrow.

  I hear a voice behind me and I can’t help my eyes from flashing open. “Close the curtains while you're up.”

  The pain in my head increases as the blood from my racing heart flows through my veins. There’s someone under the covers of the bed I just left, and now that my eyes are open I realize that the room doesn’t belong to me. I look around, trying to remember anything from the night before but there’s nothing. I remember spending Christmas Day with Trey and Roman, meeting Roman’s best friend, and room mate, Grey. We opened presents and ate our body weight in food before the happy couple left, leaving me drinking with Grey.

  Shit, Grey.

  We sat for hours on our own chatting and drinking, and the last thing I remember was giggling on the sofa as he poured me another scotch. The panic inside is starting to build as I wonder if it’s Grey under the covers, and I did the ultimate fuck up and slept with Roman’s best friend.

  My answer comes as the body rolls over, Grey’s very obvious tattoos coming into view.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  I just keep staring as he opens his eyes, looking at me with a small smile on his lips. “Morning.”

  Okay, so whatever happened last night wasn’t a disaster, now I just need to remember exactly what it was. I realize that I’ve been standing here like an idiot, just staring at Grey while he smiles. I need to get my act together, act like this was any other hookup and get the fuck out of here.

  “Morning.” My voice comes out croaky and I cringe away from my own breath. I decide that as soon as I've managed to empty my bladder I need to eat at least half a tube of toothpaste before I get the hell out of here. I know I'm going to have to leave on good terms with Grey, because I can’t risk causing friction between Roman and Trey.

  “How you feeling after last night? Anything hurt?”

  My heart races as I take a minute to take stock of my body to see if anything is sore or tender. Thankfully nothing hurts except my head, but it makes me wonder why he's asking. What did we do that might make me ache? My mind goes straight to the one thing that could have left me feeling uncomfortable, but thankfully my ass doesn’t feel any different than normal. I'm hoping that means nothing out of the ordinary happened, and that I didn’t do something that was new to me while I wasn’t in any sort of condition to make decisions.

  “My head feels like it’s one movement away from exploding, but other than that I think I will survive.” I'm proud that I manage to get a coherent answer out. My eyes flash towards the bathroom, wondering if I can make my escape before he tries to talk to me again.

  I hear laughter coming from the bed and it steals my attention from my planning, and I look back towards Grey who’s lying there amused at something. “You look like you're about to bolt. You didn’t look this scared last night when we were drinking.”

  I feel my cheeks flush, embarrassed that he was able to read me so easily. I drop my eyes to the floor, praying that it would suddenly open up and swallow me whole. I don’t do these awkward moments. I'm Nathan Fucking Cooper. I don’t do awkward. I'm the life and soul of the party, the guy who’s up for anything at least once, but this sexy guy has me struggling to act normal. Okay, when did I start thinking of Grey as sexy?

  A memory suddenly comes to mind of when I started seeing Grey as something other than Roman’s friend. I think it was after our second bottle of wine, before we started on the scotch. We were talking about a stupid computer game that we both enjoy, one that grown men shouldn’t admit to even playing, and when he told me how long he had spent playing one weekend, he looked over and his smile just made my heart stop. He looked fucking stunning sitting there, eyes glittering with humor and his cheeks rosy from the alcohol. I’d just wanted to reach out and grab him by the back of the neck, pull him towards me and taste his soft looking lips. Now I'm staring at his lips again, wondering if I kissed him last night, and if I did, I'm pissed that I can’t remember what it was like.

  “Are you okay? You are acting really weird, Nate.” I jerk at the use of a nickname, because no one calls me anything other than Nathan, well apart from my mom who calls me baby boy. Even at nearly thirty she can’t accept the fact that I'm a grown man.

  “I'm sorry, just my head is a little messed up from last night. We must have had a lot to drink. Things are a little … fuzzy. Give me a minute would you.” I walk away, my bladder finally giving me the push I need to move. As embarrassing as this encounter is, I'm pretty sure if I piss myself I won’t be able to look at Grey ever again.

  After peeing and rinsing my mouth with toothpaste and mouthwash I found at the sink, I walk back into the room to find Grey pulling a pair of sweat pants up over his very naked ass. I look around trying to find my jeans that I had on last night, the ones that I have no idea where they are. I'm looking down the side of the bed when they land on my head.

  I look up and find Grey smiling from the other side of the bed. “Thought you might be looking for them. I put them on the chair last night when I took them off you.”

  I nod at him and try and remember what happened but there’s nothing. It’s still a complete blank after a certain point. I don’t know if I look worried or confused, but when Grey speaks to me I'm shocked when he seems to answer all my unanswered questions.

  “Nothing happened last night. You had
a little too much to drink and passed out on the couch. I was going to let you sleep there but I was worried that you would be sick on your own so I brought you in here. Don’t worry, I didn’t take advantage of you. I know I'm gay, but I can have a straight guy in my bed without trying to change them.” His words anger me instantly. I have spent many nights at Trey’s house and I’ve never felt anything other than comfortable. How dare he put my awkwardness down to him being gay, especially when I'm finally accepting the fact that I very well might be a bisexual man. Just because I don’t broadcast my sexuality to the world, and I may have come to this realization slightly later than most, doesn’t mean that he knows anything about me.

  I glare at him as I close the button on my jeans and grab my t-shirt and put it on. “Fuck you, Grey. You know nothing about me so you don’t get to judge. I'm looking awkward because I can’t remember anything that happened last night, not because I thought you took advantage. You don’t get to treat me like a scared straight guy who’s wondering if you took something from me while I was passed out.” I slip my feet into the shoes that are lying just under the bed, and I'm thankful that I don’t have to go and look for them.

  I move over to him, getting right in his face as his eyes open wide. “And just so you know, if I hadn’t been as drunk as I was, something most definitely would have happened last night.” I didn’t mean to say the words, I just wanted to make him think twice about what he thought he knew, but as he sucks in a breath I give in to my need to know what he tastes like. I grab him by the back of the neck and pull him into me, my lips attacking his like he might be the last man I ever kiss. He moans into my mouth as my tongue flicks over his, the feeling of his tongue making my cock rock hard. Shit, he tastes so fucking good, morning breath and everything.