The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  “How are you today?”

  I give Roman a little smile, but it’s the best I can muster. “I'm okay.” I don’t know what else to say. Do I tell him that I think my heart is broken into tiny pieces and I don’t think it will ever recover? Thankfully I don’t have to elaborate because a weeping woman brushes past us and collapses onto Nathan’s body.

  I look on with shock, but when I notice Trey rubbing his hand on her back I know who this is. This must be Nathan’s mom. She was on vacation when the accident happened and she couldn’t get here any sooner. I now wish I wasn’t here because watching her cry over her only son is making everything seem more real. I wipe the tears from my cheeks, trying to hide it from everyone else in the room.

  When she stands she turns straight to Trey and he embraces her tightly. It’s an emotional scene, and knowing that they are like a little family, I feel like I shouldn’t be here to witness it. Just as I'm about to make my escape they break apart. She cups Trey’s cheek before looking over at us. “What happened to my boy?”

  We all just look at her, and I expect Trey to take the lead and talk to her. He turns away slightly with, a look of discomfort on his face. This is the first time that I’ve realize that this must be harder for Trey than I thought. I forgot that his parents died in a car crash, this must be bringing back so many difficult memories. At least last time he had Nathan and Dalton to help him though it.

  I step forward and start to talk. I want to give Trey some sort of support, and this is the only way I know how. “Nathan was in a collision with another car. The driver ran a red light and crashed into the side of his car. He doesn’t have too many injuries. He has a cut on his face, some broken ribs, and a few torn muscles in his leg underneath the deep cut. He was really lucky. He’s stable now and there isn’t anything life threatening anymore.” I hope that I've managed to lessen the blow of his injuries, because even though he’s going to take a while to recover from this, I don’t want his mom to worry too much about him. She will already have an anxious wait until he wakes up, so I don’t see the point in adding to her distress.

  “Why is he still asleep?”

  I don’t know what to say to her. It’s the one question we don’t know the answer to, but I try to give her an answer that will set her mind at ease. “We aren’t too sure, but his doctor thinks it’s just due to the shock of the crash. He’s healing and that’s taking a lot of energy. Sleeping makes you heal quicker.”

  She tilts her head and looks at me, and it looks like she's seeing me for the first time. She looks back at Trey and then to Roman, before turning back to me. “Who are you?”

  I stand with my mouth opening and closing, not sure what to tell her. How do I introduce myself? Nathan’s friend, roommate, or am I simply Roman’s best friend? I don’t get a chance to choose because Trey moves until he’s beside her and puts his arm around her shoulder. For the first time in days he has a smile on his face and I don’t think I’m going to like what he has to say next.

  “Mrs. C, this is Grey. He’s Nathan’s husband.”

  The room falls into uncomfortable silence as Mrs. Cooper stares at me. I make a mental note to strangle Trey when there are no witnesses around. I can’t believe he just threw me under the bus without Nathan here to save me. I look at Trey and see a smug smile on his face. I am going to start planning my revenge as soon as this conversation is over. I see something happening to Mr. Colby in the future, and I don’t think it will be enjoyable for him.

  “Husband?” Her words come out quietly and I expect her to start screaming at me. I don’t think any mom would want her son to be married to a man, especially since I doubt she even knew Nathan liked guys. “Nathan’s gay?” She looks towards Trey and he leans in, talking quietly to her for a few minutes as I stand awkwardly and watch. When she turns back to me her eyes are filled with tears. All I can think of is this is it, this is the moment when Nathan’s mom begins to hate me.

  I'm left in standing there in shock when she rushes forward and throws her arms around me. I hug her back out of reflex and look over her shoulder at Trey. He mouths the words ‘you're welcome’ at me before going back to sit beside Nathan. After a few moments she pulls back and smiles at me.

  “I can’t believe my little boy is married. And he didn’t tell me.” She slaps me on the chest and I stand with my mouth open. “Why didn’t Nathan tell me you were getting married? I would have loved to have seen that.”

  “Um … it wasn’t really planned. We were in Vegas, and it just happened.” I don’t really want to come out and tell her that the only reason I'm married to her son is because we got drunk and thought it would be hilarious to pull a Ross and Rachel. Also it was something that neither of us remembered until we woke up the next morning.

  “Well I'm not happy with either of you, and when he wakes up he's going to get a piece of my mind.” She huffs as she walks away to sit in the seat I just vacated. “Be a good son and go grab me a cup of tea. I will keep Nathan company until you come back.”

  And just like that I'm dismissed. Roman laughs as he grabs my arm and pulls me towards the door. I never imagined that I would ever meet Nathan’s mom, and definitely not in this sort of situation. I just remember what it was like in my family. If I had told them I was married I would get a nod of the head before they went back to whatever they were doing. Mrs. Cooper’s reaction took me by surprise, but I have to admit that being held by her felt comforting, just like I imagine a hug from a mom should feel. For that alone I will get her as many cups of tea as she wants. I think I could grow to lover Mrs. Cooper, even if she will soon be my ex mother-in-law.

  Chapter 25

  Roman shakes me gently by the shoulder and I wake with a start. Instantly I'm on my feet and over to look at Nathan.

  “I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  I release the breath I was holding and turn to look at Roman with a smile. It’s not his fault that I'm living on my nerves at the moment. I don’t even remember falling asleep; I don’t usually do it when there’s no one else here just in case Nathan wakes up. “That’s okay. I just was shocked I fell asleep.” I stretch and moan when my back cracks. “I really need to stop falling asleep in these chairs.”

  “Does that mean you might go home for a while? Maybe grab a nap and a shower?”

  This is the same discussion we’ve had every single day since Nathan was brought into this room. I’ve told Roman each time that I'm not going anywhere until Nathan wakes up, but I’m grateful that he cares all the same. “Not going to happen, Roman. But nice try.”

  He sighs and I wait for the rest of the argument. “You need to look after yourself. I can wait here with him until you come back.”

  “Would you leave Trey if he was lying in that bed?” I know it’s a low blow, but I need him to understand how I feel.

  “Nothing would make me leave, but that’s completely different.”

  “Why? Why is it so different?”

  “Because I love Trey.”

  I just look at Roman and hope he gets what I'm trying to say. Our feelings for the men in our lives are the same; the only difference is he has been honest about his feelings.

  “What are you trying to say?” He knows exactly what I'm trying to say, but this is his way of making me say it out loud.

  “I love him. I know you won’t believe that it’s possible, but I really do. The times we’ve spent together he’s done nothing but piss me off, try to score points, and then there’s the times he's just an asshole, but when he looks at me its all worth it. When he thinks I can’t see him looking in my direction, his eyes full of love and need, that’s when I know I can’t be without him. He's everything I've ever wanted. I didn’t think I would ever find him.” I look over to where Nathan is lying peacefully and tears fill my eyes. “And now someone has taken him from me. They ran a red light and because of that stupid piece of shit car of his, he's lying in a hospital and I'm not sure if he will wake up. I might lose him before I
ever truly have him.”

  By the time I finish talking tears are fully falling and my breath is coming out in noisy sobs. Roman wraps his arms around me and holds me. No words need to be spoken, and I'm glad that he stays silent while I let out the pain I've been holding inside.

  The light in my eye makes me turn my head away from it, and as soon as I move I wish I hadn’t. My head feels like it’s going to explode. How much did I have to drink last night? I don’t remember drinking, but it’s the only explanation I have for the headache. I just hope I didn’t do something stupid … like get married … again.

  I laugh but no noise comes out, and that’s when I notice that something is in my mouth. Not only in my mouth but it leads down my throat as well. Now that I've noticed it, I feel a choking sensation as I try to swallow around whatever it is. What the fuck is happening?

  I gag around the hard object and the action causes fire to spread through my chest. I feel like someone’s stabbed my side with a hot poker and the more I struggle the more the pain spreads. Unfortunately the gagging doesn’t stop and I start to panic. I'm choking and I have no idea why.

  Just when the panic is about to completely take over I hear a voice. It slowly comes into focus through the roaring in my head. When I hear his voice I know that I'm going to be safe and the hand on my arm grounds me enough that I start to calm down.

  “Nathan. Oh god. Nathan, shhhh, it’s okay. Just calm down and they will take the tube out.”

  I understand all the words but they make no sense. The only important thing is I can hear Grey’s voice. I don’t know why it’s so important, but him talking to me seems to be something I've been waiting for.

  Another set of hands touch me, but these belong to a female that I don’t recognize. I want to open my eyes to see who’s here, because if I slept with a woman last night then the day isn’t going to end well.

  “Mr. Cooper. I need you to keep calm and let the machine breathe for you. When I say to, I want you to take a large breath out and I will remove the tube.”

  Machine? Why do I have a machine breathing for me? I reach out blindly to the side of me, the side I know that Grey was on, and hope that he hasn’t vanished. His hand grabs mine and I hold on with all my strength.

  I feel movement around my mouth and before I have a chance to do anything, the woman tells me to breathe out. I do as I'm told and I gag as the object is pulled from my throat. When it’s fully out I cough and the action causes more pain in my side, making me cry out silently.

  “I'm going to put these pain killers into your drip. They will make you feel drowsy but it will take the pain away.”

  I want to tell her that I don’t want to go back to sleep. I want to know what’s happening and I want to see Grey, but warmth spreads through my arm just before my head becomes fuzzy. I force my eyes to open and after a few blinks I can make out the blurry outline of Grey. He's smiling at me but he has tears in his eyes. Well, that’s confusing me. I go to ask him why he looks sad but I can feel the darkness pulling me under. I don’t want it to take me but I'm useless to resist. Just before I'm lost to sleep again I whisper Grey’s name and I hope he hears it.

  He woke up. I can’t believe he actually woke up. I’ve been dreaming for days that he would, and now that he has, I'm sitting here in shock. Trey is on the phone to Nathan’s mom to tell her that he was conscious briefly, but the doctors think it will happen more regularly now.

  “Will you come and get a coffee now he's woken? Just take a few minutes away to give yourself a break.”

  My initial reaction is to say no, but when I think about it I realize it might be good to step away for a while. It would give Trey and Mrs. Cooper time to spend with Nathan if he wakes up again. Now that I've seen him, and he whispered my name, my nerves are settled and my heart seems to be beating normally for the first time in six days.

  I nod and follow Roman to the cafeteria that’s on the second floor. I haven’t actually been here before and I look around at the layout before Roman tells me to grab a table. I sit on a small table for two by the window and look out over the rain filled streets. It looks like its been raining for days, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if it had. I haven’t even looked out the window while I've been in Nathan’s hospital room; my attention has been completely on Nathan.

  Roman puts a coffee in front of me and I wrap my hands around it, letting the heat seep through my cold skin. I take a sip and sigh as the flavor spreads over my tongue. Roman’s added lots of sugar to it, and I'm grateful to him for it. No one makes coffee like Nathan does, but today I don’t care, I just need the burst of energy.

  “Want to talk about it now?”

  I don’t have to ask what Roman means. He’s been trying to get me to talk about my feelings since the night of the accident, but I’ve pretty much ignored him. I know he's been worried about me but I didn’t have time to think about my own feelings, I just needed to wait for Nathan to open his eyes. Now all the confusion is starting to seep back into my brain and I don’t have the energy to hold back the emotions. “There isn’t much to tell. We tried a threesome and it didn’t go well.”

  “Why don’t I believe that’s all the story? Come on, Grey. I know something happened and I don’t know why you won’t tell me.”

  I don’t know why I won’t tell him either. I think that maybe my pride took a hit when Nathan dismissed me, and admitting it to Roman will make me look stupid. Waiting next to his bed also makes me look like an idiot, especially when he told me that I was a mistake, but there was no way I could walk away until I knew he was okay. “Anything I tell you will make me sound like a total loser. There’s no version of this story where I come off looking good.”

  The only reaction I get from Roman is a rising of his eyebrow as he sits back in his chair and takes a drink of coffee. I sigh heavily and get ready to spill all the embarrassing details.

  “I didn’t want to do the threesome. The thought of watching someone touch Nathan, especially when he told me he wanted it to be Jared, drove me insane even before I said yes. I agreed anyway because I could see how much Nathan wanted it to happen. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.” He’s frowning at me and looks like he wants to reach over and smack me. I know how it sounds, so I carry on quickly so he doesn’t get the wrong end of the story.

  “He didn’t force me into it, actually he gave me a ton of chances to walk away, even before Jared turned up. I was the one who said yes because seeing him happy was important to me. None of that is on Nathan. He was the one who stopped it when I got uncomfortable. I cried Roman, I fucking cried.”

  I can see that Roman is torn between comforting me and laughing, and the battle actually brings a smile to my face. As an outsider I can see how it would look but having Jared touch me wasn’t comical in the slightest. “I'm so sorry, Grey. I shouldn’t laugh because I can’t imagine what you were feeling. I wouldn’t be able to cope with anyone touching Trey.”

  I have visions of what Roman would do if anyone was to touch his man, and it’s not pretty. There would be bloodshed and it wouldn’t be Roman’s blood that was spilt. “I was fine until Jared started touching me. When he did I just froze, and I swear to god Nathan looked furious with him. It was just all too much. My feelings for Nathan and the threesome, and the only way to stop me from losing my mind to the confusion was to let the tears fall. That’s when Nathan stopped the whole thing and told me to get dressed. I thought we were fine, he kissed me before I left his room.” The thought of the last gentle touch from Nathan has my stomach twisting. “I don’t know what happened when I left the room because when I came back he told me the threesome was a mistake, that I was mistake. Fuck, those words hurt. I didn’t think that we would settle down and get our happily ever after, but I thought there was something between us. I guess I was just fooling myself.”

  Roman sits in silence, and I start wondering what’s going through his mind. It’s not like Roman to consider what he's going to say to me, he's more of
a spit everything out without thinking kind of guy. It’s what made me laugh when he told me that he wanted to be a lawyer. “Have you told him how you feel?”

  “To a point. He knows that I like him but I haven’t told him that I love him.”

  “Why not?”

  I laugh at his question. “Have you met Nathan? There would be no quicker way to find myself homeless than to tell Mr. I Don’t Do Relationships that I love him.”

  It’s Roman’s turn to laugh now and thankfully the mood surrounding us lightens. “Yeah I suppose you’re right. Are you going to tell him now?”

  “I can’t. If he had wanted me he wouldn’t have thrown me out. I think I need to find someplace else to live and get out before he’s discharged.” I flutter my eyelashes at him and I get another laugh from him.

  “You don’t need to flirt with me, Grey. You know that our spare room is yours. I just think that you should talk to Nathan before you leave.”

  ““Why would I put him through that conversation after everything that’s happened? Can you imagine the pain he's in, and you want me to put him through even more? I won’t do that to him, and I won’t do that to me. My heart can’t take him rejecting me again. It’s hard enough knowing that he’s done it once.” I wipe at the tears that have built in my eyes as I speak. Just remembering his words leaves an emptiness inside me. I didn’t think I would ever find that one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and it’s just my luck that I did, and that person is the last guy on earth who will settle down.

  I start to feel panic building inside me as I think about leaving his apartment. It’s become to feel like home, and the thought of moving on is making me anxious. I try to pretend that’s the only thing that’s worry me because I can’t admit that it might be the thought of leaving Nathan.