I just stare at him. He isn’t trying to frighten me. I tapped my Perception at the beginning of this conversation and made it work extra hard during what he just told me. Talents are meant to do good, to make the world a better place. The more I learn about them, the more I realize what a fantasy that is. There is never any speck of good that can’t be twisted into something evil. I let what Braden has just told me sink down into my bones.
“Do you understand, now?” Braden asks quietly.
“Yes.”
He sighs. “Good. Promise me you won’t come after me.”
Pressing my hands on either side of his face, I look into his eyes, and say, “No.”
His eyes widen and he pushes my hands away from him. “What? Didn’t you just hear what I said?” he demands.
“Yes, I did, and I refuse to abandon you to that, Braden. I won’t do it, so stop asking.”
“I. Will. Hurt. You.”
I jam my finger against his chest. “No, you won’t.”
“It won’t matter how much I love you! I won’t be able to stop myself. You have to promise me right now that you’ll forget about me if I’m taken.”
“No.”
His right hand slides his Guardian blade out of its sheath. I don’t even flinch. “Then let me give you my Oath. They can’t force one on me if I’ve already given my Oath to someone else.”
Panic knocks me back a step. I shy away from the dagger and wrap my arms around my body. I can’t. I’m not ready for that. I know I’m falling for Braden, but I refuse to give up on Milo yet. I’ve been a terrible girlfriend lately, with all the secrets I’ve been keeping from him and the fact that I can’t stay away from Braden. But I don’t want to let him go. I love him, and I know he still loves me. If I can just make it through rescuing the Ciphers I’m sure I’ll be able to turn away from Braden, and Milo and I will work things out. I can’t let go of what I have with Milo.
“Libby?” Braden asks. “Which will it be? Either promise me you won’t come after me, or let me give you my Oath. It has to be one or the other.”
Him or Milo. That’s essentially what he’s asking me to choose between. Take Braden’s Oath and let it override what I feel for Milo, or close myself off from Braden and refuse to care about what happens to him. My body is rigid with indecision. I can’t make that kind of choice.
I reach out for Braden’s blade and take it from his fingers. He doesn’t resist as I slip it back into its sheath, but I can feel the despair dropping off of him like beads of sweat. My hands linger on his arm after replacing the blade. “I won’t promise to abandon you, but if you honestly feel threatened by the Guardians you can give me your Oath. Then and only then. I can’t take your Oath yet. I’m not ready, Braden.”
His despair lessens as he pulls me against his chest. “Do you really not love me, Libby?”
That’s not the problem. I … care about Braden, a lot, but I already know I love Milo. He has been everything to me since my Inquest. The last few months have kept us apart more than I would have liked because of the situation we’re in, but a little distance in our relationship isn’t enough to make me give up on him.
He’s so dedicated to what we’re doing that it pulls him away from me sometimes. We have to get through this mission and everything will be better. I can’t believe that Milo’s love for me won’t survive the battle we’re fighting. There is no way I can give up on Braden, either. I don’t know for sure if what I feel for him is real enough to justify pursuing it. Being his Companion makes everything so much more complicated. How can I tell how much I really care about him, and how much is out of proportion because of our link to each other? I have to know for sure.
“I just need a little more time, Braden.”
It’s the best I can offer. As he pulls me in tighter, I huddle against him knowing time is quickly running out.
Chapter 2
9
Swallowed Up
Real concern for my safety, as opposed to simply trying to spend as much time as possible with me, makes it impossible to convince Braden to stay home when I head back to my new house in time to meet Milo. I do everything I can to force him to leave before Milo actually shows up, but I can’t manage that either. I’ve resorted to begging by the time the doorbell peels through the house. I have my hands wrapped around Braden’s shirt, trying to force him to at least hide in the garage when we hear it. I freeze, at a total loss about what I should do. Braden takes advantage, breaking my grip on him and beating me to the door.
As soon as he opens it, the guy who was arguing with me vanishes, and the infallibly professional version of him that usually shows up in Milo’s presence reappears. “Milo,” Braden says, nodding to him. “You’ll be glad to know no one made any attempts on Libby while you were gone. Everything has been quiet for once.”
It’s not exactly a lie. No one made an attempt on my life, but things certainly weren’t as quiet as they could have been.
Milo looks past Braden to me. “No problems?”
“No,” I say, “not at all.” Now that is a lie. I cringe inwardly at the necessity for it.
Milo walks in and immediately pulls me into a hug. “I missed you.”
I feel as if I’m strangling him with my hug back, but I’m so glad to see him. I’m glad to have a reason to get Braden out of my house as well. “I missed you, too.”
“Well, I will be heading out then,” Braden says, and I pray Milo doesn’t catch the slight irritation in his voice.
“Yeah, thanks for watching out for Libby,” Milo says grudgingly. Braden walks out, closing the door behind him. In Milo’s mind Braden has become nonexistent. I wish I were so lucky. Braden’s second car—a plain sedan Captain Blackwood doesn’t know about—is currently hidden in my garage. He isn’t going anywhere. I have a little trouble staying focused knowing that. Milo has to kiss me to catch my attention.
“What, Lance wouldn’t hang out with you?” Milo asks.
“Um, sure he would,” I stumble, “but he was doing stuff with his brother and I didn’t want to intrude. You said either one was fine.”
“I know, but if I have to choose between your ex-boyfriend and a Guardian, I will always choose Lance.”
I smile. “Lance would appreciate hearing that, I’m sure.”
“Do me a favor and don’t tell him,” Milo says jokingly, but a little serious, too.
“So, how was your trip?” I ask.
Milo’s entire countenance brightens. “It was awesome. I wish you had come. Marc is amazing. I could have stayed a week with him. He has so much more he can teach us about Concealment. Look!”
Stepping away from me, Milo taps his Concealment. I watch as he gathers it between his hands then releases it slowly, forcing it to fan out around him. As his power spreads, his image begins to waiver. Concentration shows in every inch of his face. Gently, he guides the power around his entire body and pulls it in like a second skin. The moment his power seals itself around him, Milo disappears.
Well, maybe disappears isn’t the right word. If I concentrate and try to see him, I can. But if I let my attention wander for even a second, I find I have a hard time remembering where he was. He seems like a shadow I shouldn’t bother noticing. I admit that I’m impressed. I have tried to make the same shield on my own. My results weren’t so stable, and my technique was vastly different, but I was working toward something similar. Now I won’t have to spend any more of my time trying to figure out how to make it better. This new technique will undoubtedly fill in the gaps. Milo’s enthusiasm for the new skill makes me smile even more.
When the shield begins to flicker, Milo tosses it away. He’s grinning when he reappears. “Isn’t that crazy? I learned a ton from Marc. I wish you had been there.”
“I … I wish I had, too,” I say quietly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad watching Milo train, and it would have meant no trip to the Bosque or pictures being taken. My guilty hands tremble at the memories and I tuck them away. Milo w
alks over and holds me.
“Do you really wish you would have come?”
“I wish I could have been with you this weekend. Aside from seeing my dad, that was all I wanted. But at least we’re together now.”
Milo pulls me in tighter. “How was visiting your dad’s grave?”
“It was good. I really needed to talk to him, and I felt a lot better after I did. It may sound silly, but even though he can’t hear me it makes me happy to be there. After he died, living with my mom became so intolerable it wasn’t even a place where I could remember him. The fights and anger that filled the house only pushed me away. Visiting the cemetery is so peaceful that it lets me remember him how he really was.”
I lay my head against Milo’s chest and let the peace of this moment seep into me. The quiet and calm of the nearly empty house reassures me that nothing between us is broken as I had feared.
“Libby,” Milo says, “I’m sorry I didn’t get how important seeing your dad was before. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings, I guess. I had something I wanted and I couldn’t let go of it.”
“I think we both had that problem. I’m sorry, too.”
A few more minutes pass before we decide to stop standing in the middle of the living room and lie down to watch a movie together. The DVD is in a few minutes later, and Milo lies next to me on the couch, cradling me in his arms. Images dance across the screen. I can’t even remember a few minutes later what movie we’re watching. I am intent on memorizing every second of my time with Milo. The movie was only a reason to curl up with him. The bulk of his arm draped across me draws itself in my mind, preserved. The way his legs tangled up with mine makes me smile. Even when I realize Milo isn’t watching the movie, either, because he’s fallen asleep, I watch the way his chest rises and falls with each breath.
Every facet of this moment, I store away for later when I might need it. I do this because I know I will need the memories. Every time I’m around Braden, now, I feel the need to buffer my desire for him with thoughts of Milo. There were too many times today I felt Milo slipping to the back of my mind as Braden filled my thoughts. If I don’t take moments like this and file them away, I’m scared I’ll run out and crumble.
In just a few days we will be putting our lives on the line to rescue the Ciphers. We’ll be doing so with a very real chance that we’ll lose. I should be drowning in the details of such a massive plan. Instead, all I can think about is whose arms I want around me the most at the end of a long day. How can this be the most important thing on my mind right now? Not dying or getting anyone else killed should be my main concern. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been worrying about my death for so long that I find it an easy thing to ignore at this point. That’s really not normal.
Milo’s eyes roll open suddenly, some bit of music from the TV or sound from the house waking him. He looks at me apologetically. “I fell asleep, didn’t I? I’m sorry, Libby.”
I smile and kiss his lips gently. “It’s okay. You’re probably exhausted with all the flying and training over the last few days.”
“Sorry, but if I don’t go home now, I probably won’t go home at all. And as tempting as that sounds, I don’t think me oversleeping in the morning and getting us both in trouble will be very helpful. The last thing we need right now is detention on our first day back at school.”
He pushes himself up off the couch and rubs his eyes. When he stands and offers me his hand to get up, part of me wants to pull him back down. An image of Braden waiting outside my house all night flashes through my mind to stall me. Milo pulls me up before I can decide and I follow him to the door. He pulls the door open slowly. Maybe he doesn’t want to go.
I throw my arms around him, but keep myself from asking. He looks so tired.
“Hey,” he says, “are you sure you’re doing all right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I say.
“Are you still upset at me for leaving?” He frowns, but there isn’t any anger in it. “I know the Ciphers are taking over all of our lives, but you know I’m just as concerned about you as I am them.”
Is he? Rather than voice my recurring worries, I say, “It isn’t that.”
It is in part, but it’s so much more than that, too.
“Then what?” he asks.
I can’t explain everything to him without telling too much, but I try my best. “I think everything is just finally starting to sink in for me.”
Milo rubs his hands along my back in an effort to comfort me. “Everything is going to be fine. We’ll get the Ciphers out. It’s a good plan.”
“But what about after, Milo?”
He frowns and his hands stop moving. “What do you mean?”
“The Guardians are going to retaliate. Things are only going to get worse.”
“It won’t last forever. We’ll fight as long as we have to so we can make sure the ones behind what’s going on can’t hurt people anymore. Eventually it will be over. Destroying the Guardians, righting all the wrongs they’ve done, that’s more important than anything else right now. This situation is so much bigger than us. I know you want more from me, but are the two of us really more important than saving the entire world? We can do so much good. We can set everything right. We can’t stop until the Guardians are all gone.”
My frustrated sigh seems to confuse him. “How long is that going to take? How long do I have to wait before I get to have a regular life? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the right time to be with the person I love.” Regardless of the fact that I have made a mess of my love life, will the day ever come when I sit down with someone and simply enjoy the moment without an impending fight or catastrophe hiding in the back of my mind?
“Libby,” Milo says softly, “who says you have to wait? We’re together right now. I know it’s not ideal, but it may never be. We can make this work even in the middle of a war.”
“Can we?” He’s hiding his emotions from me as he usually does, but I can see the sudden sadness in his eyes. Does he understand why this bothers me so much? “Milo, I’m just worried that everything is going to get swallowed up by this fight—my time, my mind, my life. I don’t want to disappear. I don’t want being the Destroyer to become my only identity. I want what regular people have, too. I want …”
My voice falls silent as I finally realize why this choice between Milo and Braden has become so consuming. I want to help the Ciphers. I want to take out the cruel, sadistic people who are turning the blessing of talents into something hideous. I want to destroy what evil people have built and remake it into something better. But I don’t want to do it alone. I want to live, be in love, be happy while I do everything else. I know it can work. Maybe my life will never be the picture perfect, feel-good movie I wish it could be, but I know I can fulfill my destiny and still find joy during the in-between moments. I just don’t know who I can honestly do that with. And without the promise of loving and being loved, what is the point in doing any of this?
“I’m sorry, Milo,” I say when I realize he’s still staring at me not knowing what to say to my unexpected tirade. “I didn’t mean to go off like that. I think the stress is just getting to me a little bit. I’m sure I’ll feel better once the rescue is over.”
He isn’t convinced, but he doesn’t seem to know how to react. In the end, he settles for simply saying, “Everything is going to work out. After the rescue things will calm down … eventually. When our lives are less chaotic, you and I will figure all of this out, okay?”
That is an incredibly good idea. “Okay.”
“I better get home, but I’ll pick you up in the morning for school.”
I nod and try to lose myself in his embrace when he hugs me goodbye. I watch him drive away feeling slightly better than I did before. I need to get through the rescue first. Everything else is just going to have to wait. The cool desert air drifts past me as I close my eyes and try to center my thoughts on getting through the next couple days.
I don’t know how long I stand on the front porch before Braden reappears on my doorstep. I knew he didn’t leave for real, but his presence doubles my weariness. I pull the precious few hours I just spent with Milo to the front of my mind. If Braden stays, I won’t be able to hold onto them. I need him to leave me alone.
“Braden, go home,” I say. “I can’t have you here. I shouldn’t have … just go.”
I turn my back on him and head for the door. His hand catches my arm before I can get away. The force of our link races up my arm to my heart. I falter at the power of it, but refuse to give in. I turn to glare at Braden and force myself to pull away. “Go home,” I plead wearily.
“I won’t leave you here alone. It isn’t safe,” Braden says.
I step closer to him and match his determined stance. Meeting him eye to eye is impossible because of our height difference, but I do my best. “I don’t need you to protect me. I’m the Destroyer. Go home.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Fine,” I say, “stay out here all night if you want. I’m going to bed.”
He doesn’t stop me from slamming the door on him. I march through the house to my room. Why won’t he leave me alone? I didn’t spend the last few hours with Milo just to have them all erased by Braden and his mind-stealing link to me. I love Milo. I have a chance to fix things with him. I don’t want to lose that chance because of Braden.
I push into my room feeling jittery and knowing it will be impossible to get to sleep now. Determined to try and forget the last two days with Braden in favor of Milo, I head for my bed. When I get there, I stop.
Secret of Betrayal: Book Two of The Destroyer Trilogy Page 30
