Memoirs of a Wild Child

by P Lewis, Cassandra

  I remember so clearly, being smitten with Joshua straight away, I thought he looked like Usher, and I liked his Manchester accent. He was seventeen and had already passed his driving test and had a car. I thought he was so cool, and he seemed so much older. I was hooked.

  We talked on Myspace and MSN Messenger every night, and it wasn’t long before Joshua arranged to drive to Buxton, to see me. I couldn’t wait.

  I bite my lip, a little anxiously, as I remember my first real romance and take a moment to daydream about Joshua. Thinking back, he looked nothing like Usher, and I wasn’t even all that attracted to Usher anyway, but to me, at that time, he was something special.

  A whimper escapes Holly from the sofa, and I realise that this time, she is waking up. I push my massive lump of a body up from the window seat and make my way over to my girl.

  “Mummy,” she groans, feeling sorry for herself, and I melt. Joshua will have to wait.

  Holly and I have a couple of hours cuddled up on the sofa, she’s ridiculously clingy when she’s ill, but I secretly like it. It’s not often I get this many cuddles from her anymore. We’re half way through Frozen when I hear Ben’s key in the lock, and I turn to see him come in, looking pissed off.

  “Look at the state of my fucking leg,” Ben moans as he walks in and slumps into the armchair.

  “Daddy.” Holly sits up, frowning, and scolds him for his bad language and I see the look of horror in his eyes, he obviously thought she was asleep.

  “Sorry, baby,” he says as she throws him a disgusted look and settles back into watching her film. Ben looks at me and grimaces at the telling off, I just smile, amused.

  “Show me then.” I remind him that he was moaning about his leg, and he pulls up his jogging bottoms. I pull a face of disgust and then laugh at the pasty-white, dried up skin and the loss of muscle on his calf and ankle. The cast has certainly had an effect. “Did you skip leg day again, baby?” I question, supressing more laughter.

  “Bitch,” Ben mouths silently before letting out a small laugh himself, “I certainly won’t be skipping it now.”

  After a dinner of Friday night fajitas, a warm bath and a bedtime story from Daddy, Holly is feeling a little better and quite happily settles down in her own bed for the first night this week.

  As Ben sits down on the sofa with a bottle of beer that my mouth waters at the sight of, I lift my legs onto his lap so that he can rub them for me.

  “What part of the story are you up to now then?” he asks as he notices Vinnie in my lap. I scrunch up my face and shake my head, no. “Oh go on, there’s not a lot about you I don’t know, and nothing that could make me love you less, I’m rubbing your stinkin’ feet for fucks sake.” He flashes that smile that gets him pretty much anything he wants, and raises his eyebrows, knowing he’s got me. I let out a laugh and throw my head back, before groaning, and looking him in the eyes, unsure whether to tell him, but unable to fight the power of the smile.

  “My first time.” I cringe, and he shifts his body towards me excitedly.

  “Really? The very first?” He questions, and then looks away contemplative. “Wow, the making of the monster,” He proclaims before I hit him in the face with a cushion.

  “Oi, I don’t hear you complaining about the perks of the ‘monster’. You cheeky shit,” I say defensively, as Ben leans in towards me with a kiss, laughing an apology.

  “I certainly do not, baby, I love my monster.” He kisses me again. “Tell me then, read it to me.” I lean back a little to look him in the eye; he’s serious.

  “Not a chance,” I protest, shaking my head. He kisses me again.

  “Go on, I won’t judge. Read it to me, I want to hear ‘that’ Pippa again.”

  “Ugh…” I groan, he’s grinning again.

  I reach down to the box by my side and pull out ‘Justin’, the purple diary on the top of the pile. I open it and start to read aloud.

  “I can’t believe what happened yesterday! Joshua drove all the way here to see ME!

  We went for a picnic, and it was so sunny, so we lay on the grass, and he kissed me; like really kissed me. I wish I could tell Rosie everything, but she’s still being a cow so she can go fuck herself.”

  Ben laughs, and I can’t help but join him. I continue to read the whole story to him, but when he relates the fact that I had sex at fifteen, and my parents had no idea where I was, to the fact that he has his own little wild child snoring soundly in her bedroom, he decides he’s heard enough and goes to check on Holly. I pick up Vinnie and finish writing about this particular chapter of my life.

  “Hi,” I said nervously, feeling the heat in my cheeks as I processed the fact that he was actually here. As much as I had been excited to see Joshua, actually having him there in front of me, in his car, made my knees shake.

  “Get in then,” he said, laughing at my obvious anxiety as he leant over to open the door.

  I settled into the passenger seat and pulled on my seat belt. The seat was warm from the sun that must have been searing through his windows all the way from Manchester. I liked it; it relaxed my muscles and calmed my nerves as Joshua pulled away from the house.

  “Do you still want to go bowling?” he asked, glancing over at me briefly before returning his attention to the road, “Only, it’s a nice day. I thought we could get some food and find somewhere nice to sit out in the sun.”

  I nodded and hummed my agreement while trying to think of a place where we could go. I was glad I had worn a short summer dress if we were going to be sitting out in the sun all day. Even back then, I was a sun-worshipper. Rosie and I had spent most of our adolescent summers lazing around in my back garden or hers, listening to music and gossiping.

  “Oh, there’s the reservoir.” I blurted out as I remembered spending the day there with Rosie and Rafe a year earlier. “It’s nice,” I said a little calmer, as Joshua looked at me again and grinned.

  “Do you know the way?” He asked, and I nodded.

  We stopped at the village shop, bought some Coke, crisps, sandwiches and some sweets, and then made our way up to the reservoir. There were a few families picnicking in one area, but I knew of a place that was a little more secluded, so I led the way, and we headed off through the trees.

  When we came to the clearing, I was a little disappointed to see an older couple sitting on a fallen tree trunk and drinking a cup of tea from a flask. I wanted to be alone with Joshua and felt that they would be watching our every move because we were two youngsters alone together.

  Although having a picnic in a public place was fairly innocent, I had felt the need to lie to my parents about where I was going. I knew that Rafe was going shopping in Manchester with a guy that he was seeing, so I told them that I was going with him. Rafe didn’t mind covering for me; I had done it for him a million times.

  Joshua nudged my shoulder, and I realised that I was still staring towards the older couple. “Don’t worry,” he said, amusement clear in his voice, “we have all day to be alone together.”

  He laid out the blanket that he had brought from the boot of his car, kicked off his shoes and sat down, patting the ground for me to sit with him.

  I sat with my legs outstretched, facing Joshua while we talked and laughed. He was easy to get along with, and I quickly forgot my earlier nerves. In a moment of quiet, I tipped my head back to feel the sun on my face, and Joshua started to stroke my ankle. I gasped a little at the sudden contact and opened my eyes to look at him, questioning.

  “You’re so gorgeous, Pippa,” He said, in a more serious tone than before. “I’m desperate to kiss you.”

  My tummy flipped, nerves returning as I swallowed hard. I had kissed boys before, but they’d been just that, boys. Joshua, while not being much older in age, seemed older, looked older and acted older than all of the boys at school. I had no doubt that he was experienced with girls and the thought scared me a little; but excited me a lot. It was our first real date, but I wanted to do whatever he wanted me to.
Looking back, it was silly of me, and if I ever found out that Holly had been so irresponsible, I would lock her up until she was forty, but right there and then, with adolescent hormones coursing through my veins, I wanted him, in every way.

  I bit the side of my lip and smiled. Joshua took that as a sign of my agreement and moved onto his knees, crawling forward until his hands were either side of my thighs, and his face was in front of mine. He grinned, then leaning forward; he pressed his soft lips to mine. Slowly, he parted my lips with his tongue, brushing it against my own and I moaned. The kisses I had experienced before had been fast, hard, and wet, nothing like this, nothing that made my insides clench and twist up. For the first time, I was actually aroused. I didn’t really know how to process what I was feeling as my hands lifted to Joshua’s sides with a mind of their own, pushing his shirt up a little, so that I could feel his skin.

  Before long and without being conscious of the movement, I was soon lying down. Joshua was above me, kissing me like I had never been kissed before and panic set in. The older couple, I was a virgin, my parents… thoughts flooded my brain, reasons to stop what I was doing and I pushed him away, breathing hard. Joshua sat back on his heels, and I sat up, putting my face in my hands, embarrassed.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, gently taking my hands and pulling them away from my face.

  I shook my head and then looked up to realise that we were now alone in the clearing. “I’m sorry, I just, I’m...”

  “It’s okay, Pip; we’ll just take it steady.” He smiled and readjusted his body, taking off his t-shirt before lying down to bask in the heat of the sun and closing his eyes. I dropped my hands to my lap, looked around the clearing again and then at his body. He was gorgeous, he looked like a pop star, and he wanted me. We were alone, and I felt safe. I turned around so that our heads were at the same end of the blanket and lay down next to Joshua. I would just stop thinking for a little while, and catch some rays.

  I blinked as I opened my eyes, feeling a little groggy as I realised I had fallen asleep in the sun, not for long I gathered, given that I didn’t feel burned at all. I turned my head to look at Joshua, but he wasn’t there. I sat up to look around for him, as he came walking out from between the trees.

  “You’re awake. Sorry, I just needed to go for a piss.” I smiled and bent my legs, stiff from my short nap. “Shall we eat?” Joshua asked as he knelt down on the blanket, and I nodded, reaching for the bag.

  After eating, and kissing some more, Joshua and I headed back towards the car park. When we reached the car, he walked with me towards the passenger door. He turned me around so that my back was against the car and leant into me, kissing me, intensely.

  “I have a confession to make, Pip.” He breathed into my neck; I hummed in appreciation and acknowledgement. “I told my parents I was here for a shoot, so my dad booked me a room at a bed and breakfast in Buxton.”

  He stopped kissing my jaw and leant back to look into my eyes, gauging my response.

  “Erm, I don’t know what, I mean, erm…” I stuttered, unsure what to say, and then he touched me. I felt his fingers stroke the soft skin of my inner thigh and upwards. I hadn’t been touched there before and I gasped. “Okay.” I conceded.

  Joshua drove us back to Buxton as I texted Rafe,

  ‘Please tell me ur staying out 2nite?’

  ‘Yep, Y?’ was the quick response.

  “If they ask, I was with U!’

  My phone rang immediately, and Rafe’s name was on the screen. I ignored the call, not wanting to have this conversation sitting right next to Joshua. I texted my dad to tell him that I was staying with Rafe, knowing they wouldn’t worry if I was with him. He was like an older brother, and they trusted him totally. Then I turned off my phone. I knew Rafe would be worried, but he would never tell my parents, I knew too much about him for him to risk that.

  Joshua parked his car at the back of the bed and breakfast and got out, I took a deep breath as he walked around to my side and opened the door. I wanted to do this, but I was nervous, terrified even.

  Once in the room, Joshua tried to make me feel comfortable. He asked if I was sure and told me that he would still like me if I changed my mind. He was so lovely to me that any doubts I had, totally disappeared. I really liked him, and I wanted him to be my first.

  We kissed a lot, we lay on the bed, and he touched me; for the first time in my life, I had an orgasm. I didn’t realise then that most of the men that I would be with in the future, would have no idea how to touch a woman, or what a clitoris was. But Joshua, even at such a young age, knew exactly, how to find it, and what to do when he did. Had I known a bit more of the world, I might have realised that that was a red flag. I mean, a seventeen-year-old shouldn’t have been that experienced unless he was a total player, but I was just blissful, euphoric and sated.

  After he’d made me come, he encouraged me to remove my dress, but not my underwear. He undressed completely, and I wasn’t sure where to look. The only cocks I had seen at that point had been drawn on the back of exercise books at school, and once when Rosie, Rafe and I watched a porno for a laugh. But there it was, out and proud for me to see and touch.

  Joshua showed me how to stroke him. I loved the way he gasped when I gripped him; I felt powerful at that moment. He took a condom out of the pocket of the shorts that he had thrown on the bed (second red flag by the way… he came prepared!)

  He taught me how to pinch the end and roll it down, and then he leant down to kiss me, encouraging me backwards as he climbed onto the bed and came to rest above me.

  He asked me again if I was sure, and I nodded, this was the first thing I had been certain about all day, he smiled, and we had sex.

  Other girls my age talked about having sex for the first time as something painful, messy, rushed, and not particularly enjoyable. But they had done it with boys from school, and it was usually their first time too. Joshua was slow and gentle, but confident and reassuring. It was a little sore at first, but pretty soon, I was enjoying myself. The earth didn’t move for me, but I liked it, I liked him, a lot.

  We fell asleep afterwards; he held me, asking if I was okay and stroking my hair. We woke in the early hours of the morning, and without saying a word, found ourselves doing it again. This time without the uncertain touches and reassurance of the first time, this time, was the first time I really had sex, and I loved it.

  In the morning, I agreed to walk home, not wanting my parents to see him drop me off. I was scared enough that I would look different to them, that they would know. Joshua kissed me goodbye, and told me he would see me really soon, and then he left.

  And I never heard from him again.

  It took me some time to realise that I had been used by Joshua. He wouldn’t text me back, and blocked me on Myspace and MSN Messenger. I cried, a lot, and then I got angry. I was tempted to tell Rafe so that he could go and kick ten bells out of him, but I was so embarrassed. I’d been stupid, and I knew it. So when Rafe asked why I had needed him to cover for me, I just told him that I wanted to stay with Joshua and that everything was great. He’d know the truth eventually, but not until I was ready. I wanted Rosie; she was the only person who I could have told the truth to, but we still weren’t talking.

  Almost a week after spending the night with Joshua, I climbed into bed to watch Grease for the five millionth time, when the familiar ‘ding’ of a text message sounded from my phone, and I opened it, hoping it would be from Joshua, but it was Rafe.

  ‘We need you here, now!’

  It was cryptic. I hadn’t seen either of them in so long, but I knew there was something wrong, and I knew it was my Rosie. As I ran down the stairs, Dad met me in the hallway, and I stopped in my tracks at the look on his face, he knew something. “I’ll walk you there, princess.” He said solemnly, and that’s when I knew something terrible had happened.

  I didn’t ask Dad; I didn’t want to hear a word from anyone but my best friend. As we approached the Alvez
house, we saw the police car, and Joaquin, talking to the officers out front. I found myself running into the house and up to Rosie’s room without a second thought. I burst through the door, to see her sitting, in a ball, in the corner on the other side of her bed. I stood still, not wanting to hear what had happened to put her in that state, but needing to know.

  Rafe appeared behind me and ushered me into the room, encouraging me over to his sister. I turned and looked into his eye, they were so full of both heartbreak and fury that I had to swallow down the vomit that rose in my throat. I knew what had happened to her.

  I approached Rosie slowly, and she moved to sit on her bed, she didn’t lift her head to look at me, not even once. She was broken.

  “What's happened, RoRo?” I asked quietly, as I sat on the bed. She didn’t respond. I reached out to take her hand in mine. “He forced you didn’t he?” I asked, tentatively, already knowing the answer.

  For the first time, she looked up at me, and I gasped. Her face was swollen and heavily bruised; her lip was split open and bloody. “Rosie.” A lump rose in my throat as she started to sob quietly. I wrapped my arms around her; I was going nowhere.

  Rosie’s attack happened on a Friday night. For the rest of that weekend, I stayed by her side, when Monday came, both my dad and Rosie’s called our school to tell them that we wouldn’t be going in. Once they knew what had happened to Rosie, they didn’t push for me to return, they knew she would need me.

  As the days passed by, Rosie eventually told me the details of the attack. Jonah had tried to get her to have sex with him, she’d told him that she wasn’t ready, but he said he was sick of waiting. He had already forced her to give him blowjobs and handjobs in his car, even though she hadn’t wanted to. I hated myself for being so distant; I should have been there to stop him.

  Jonah got so angry with Rosie when she denied him that he slapped her, and then dragged her out of his car by her hair. He was strong, and Rosie was tiny. He raped her; beat her, and laughed as he dumped her at her parents’ front door, a bloody mess.