by Sara Hess
The only other family Carrie has is her paternal grandparents and an Aunt from Mary’s side of the family. The Grandparents are in their late seventies. John’s mother had a mild heart attack when she found out what happened; I heard that she recovered, but neither of them made any attempt to contact Carrie or Mary since then, at least that I’m aware of.
Mary’s sister, Laura, distanced herself from the entire affair from the beginning. Her husband is also a lawyer, but in West Virginia, and from what Mary’s told me they didn’t want any of the scandal attached to their name.”
Dr. Mathew’s frame slumped in her chair as she finished up her account of Carrie’s dismal family background. Everything I kept hearing just made me more furious and sicker to my stomach. Not only had Carrie had the most horrific thing happen her, but to top it off everyone who was supposed to care about her, love her, had abandoned her or treated her like shit. I wanted to visit every single one of these people and pound them into the ground. Unfortunately, most of them were women…or old.
“Did Carrie tell you that her mother kicked her out of the house a week ago after calling her a tramp and slapping her hard enough that Carrie had bruises on both sides of her face; one from the slap and the other from hitting the door frame because of how hard she was hit. Carrie’s mother told her that she’d just been waiting for her to turn eighteen so she could kick her out.” I had to control my voice so I didn’t yell. The incident still made me furious.
A look of shocked distress covered Dr. Mathew’s face for only a second before sad resignation replaced it. “I should be surprised but I’m not. Mary showed a decided lack of interest when Carrie was released from the hospital. I drove her home myself because Mary kept putting off coming to pick her up, and then all Mary did when we arrived was show Carrie to a room that was colorless and bare of anything but a bed and dresser.” She grimaced. “I hated leaving her there, but it was her mother and I hoped with time they might be able to build a relationship together again. Whenever I’ve called to check up on her Mary would pass me off to Carrie who would tell me everything was going fine. She’s done so well with school and the scholarship I believed things couldn’t be as bad as I was imagining. I’ve known there was a lack of affection in the relationship, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
Dr. Mathew’s leaned forward her eyes misty and intense. “Carrie’s trained herself to not expect much from others. She’s had a lot of disappointment and in a way I think she believes that’s all she deserves. When you look at everything she’s gone through you see how strong her spirit is, but she’s also a bit fragile. She needs to know that someone is going to be there for her no matter what, not just physically, but emotionally.”
I gritted my teeth and leaned forwarding gripped my hair in both hands. The enormity of her words, even though I had already comprehended most of it, washed over me. “I care about Carrie a lot. Hell, I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love her, but the thought of screwing up with her, hurting her, scares me half to death. She’s been through so much.”
It astonished me a little that I wasn’t at all fazed at spilling my guts to a woman I barely knew. Maybe it was because she was a psychiatrist, or that holding back my feelings after everything I’d just learned about Carrie seemed like a cop-out.
“Nic.” I looked up in beleaguered distress as Dr. Mathew’s softly called my name. She was smiling at me sympathetically. “You don’t have to be perfect; she’s not expecting that. Just be there for her when she needs you, like you were for her today. Believe me, that’s all she truly wants. From the little I’ve seen of you two together it’s apparent that there is something special connecting the both of you, so don’t be afraid to move forward with it. Every relationship requires work and will go through its ups and downs, and just because Carrie has a traumatic past it doesn’t mean you have to tip toe around her. She’s sensible and resilient. As long as she knows you care about her she won’t mind if you mess up sometimes.” Standing up she walked around the table separating us to stand beside me. Her hand settled on my shoulder and there was a steely look to her gaze.
“What I have to say next is from a maternal perspective and not professional; don’t be an asshole and break that girl’s heart or I may have to find you and hurt you.” Giving my shoulder a firm, yet affectionate, pat she stepped away. “Take some time to process what I’ve told you. I’m going to go talk with Carrie while you do.”
She walked out of the room and I sat there trying to come to terms with everything I’d been told. The nightmare Carrie had lived through was appalling; from what her father had tried to do to her to how everyone had treated her afterwards. That she came out of it sane was amazing; that she turned out so sweet, giving, and extraordinary was a miracle. She was a miracle, and I didn’t want to lose her. In such a short amount of time she’d become an unbelievably central part of my life.
But I had no experience with relationships, unless they were of the guy/teammate kind. Shit, I didn’t even have a good relationship with my parents; it was cold, strained and antagonistic. How was I going to build and maintain something I knew nothing about? How could I be sure that I wasn’t going to destroy her?
Chapter Twenty-five
Carrie
I sat in the patio swing rocking slightly and rubbing my fingers through the fur of the Border collie lying in my lap. The action brought me some measure of calm and she really liked it when I massaged around her ears. Suddenly, the dog lifted her head in vigilance.
“You just made a friend for life.” Dr. Mathew’s said walking toward me. She was alone and my heart constricted in dread, going cold. Nic knew the whole story and now he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, just like everyone else.
“Carrie, honey, don’t look like that.” Dr. Mathew’s sat down next to me and pulled me in for another hug. “I left Nic inside; he just needs a little time to ruminate on everything I told him.”
Her words brought me no reassurance. Right now he was in the house probably wondering how fast he could get away from me. My eyes and throat burned as misery sought to rip me open, but I couldn’t deny the bud of hope that longed for just a little bit of water to flourish.
Dr. Mathew’s gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Everything will be okay.”
“I don’t think it will actually.” I said despondently. “Even if Nic doesn’t run for the hills I think I might need to go back to the hospital.”
She looked at me in surprise. “Why would you say that?”
“In the last month I’ve had more episodes than I’ve had in the last year, and…I had such a severe one yesterday that I passed out. I haven’t passed out since leaving the hospital. What if I’m getting bad again? I can’t be passing out everywhere.” The idea of that was horrendous. What if I’d done that in the middle of a classroom of students?
Dr. Mathew’s expression turned contemplative. “What caused you to pass out?”
I explained to her about what the girl had done last night.
She shook her head looking angry. “Do you remember what happened leading up to your other episodes?”
Again, I explained to her about when Nic had asked about my father, and then how I’d freaked out when Nic had punched that guy from the party.
“I think that Nic’s presence in your life have brought your memory and emotions closer to the surface. For years you’ve suppressed them, kept them tightly controlled, but now as a result of your feelings for him they’ve been unchained. This is going to cause you to experience things more deeply than what you’re accustomed to and that is probably why your episodes have increased. Every one of them was in the presence of Nic so I would have to conclude that he is definitely the catalyst.”
“So it will be good if he goes away?” I knew it had been too good to be true. Even if Nic had wanted to stay I couldn’t keep him because I would just continue having episodes in his presence. He brought me the most happiness I’d ever known but could also bring me the worst pai
n and misery.
“No, Carrie; I think Nic is the best thing for you. It wasn’t good keeping your emotions bottled up. Nic is helping you feel again and I believe in time you’ll get a handle on these feelings. Just as you managed them before you’ll manage them again, only this time don’t repress them, face them. Face them with Nic; I believe he could be good for you.”
Embrace the possibility of getting hurt beyond belief. I swallowed painfully at the thought. “I don’t know if I can. He already holds so much power over me. Right now just the thought of him walking away hurts unbearably.” I said in anguish.
“I’m not going to walk away though; I’m here for the long haul.” My gaze jerked to the right to see Nic standing behind me with a determined look upon his face. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
My heart stuttered and swelled at his words, but also ached. There was an unfathomable hunger in me that wanted to believe him, but I was afraid to reach for it, afraid of the rejection and pain that could come from putting myself out there. I’d lived through it so many times before…I wasn’t sure if I could live through it with him.
Dr. Mathew’s stood up excusing herself and Nic took her spot on the seat. The dog not liking all the movement hopped off my lap to follow her.
Nic grasped my hands and his green eyes were dark and somber as they stared into mine. “This power you say I have over you is the same power you have over me. I told you I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and the thought of you walking away affects me the same way.”
I could hardly believe that he was still here. I stared at him with all the emotions I was feeling in my eyes but was unable to say with my mouth. “I’m so scared.” I whisper.
His determined look wavered and a look of tormented anger replaced it. He wrapped me up in his arms. “The last thing I want to do is cause you any more pain. What you went through is unimaginable, and I want to pound on each and every one of your so called family because none of them were there for you when you needed them.” He pulled away and lifted my chin. The intense emotions pouring from his eyes made my heart beat faster. “You are an incredible person, one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I thank God that I met you, that you’re in my life, and I swear to you that I’m not going anywhere.”
My eyes welled up and a sob caught in my chest at the promise in his voice. A promise I couldn’t fight against because I wanted to believe it so badly. I wrapped my arms around Nic’s waist and laid my head on chest. I could never get enough of his strength and warmth.
“I thank Him, too. I’ve felt so alone for so long, then you came into my life and it was like the sun came out after four long years of darkness.”
Nic’s arms clinched me tighter. “God, honey; your words make me want to cry…and hit someone.” He murmured roughly into my hair.
I shook my head and laughed softly. “No, no crying or hitting. You’re my sun now and there is only laughing and…tickling from here on out.”
Nic snorted. “Yeah….you’re the only one that I’ll be tickling.”
An image flashed in my head and I couldn’t stop the soft chuckle escaping my mouth.
Nic’s arms tautened. “What?”
“I just had an image of you on the lacrosse field tickling players from the opposing teams, and then it became a free-for-all tickle fest.”
Nic’s arms slackened slightly and there was silence for about three seconds. “Carrie, that was just wrong. That same picture just flashed through my head and it was the most disturbing image I’ve ever seen or ever want to see.”
I chuckled at his pained tone and couldn’t help the next words from escaping my mouth. “I don’t know; you could have all been naked.”
Nic groaned and his head tucked into my neck. His breath on my skin sent a shiver down my whole body. We sat there silently, just holding each other for a couple minutes. I never wanted it to end.
“We should probably get going. Unfortunately, I have to take you to work.” Nic remarked after a while.
I sighed at the interference of real life. “Yeah.”
Nic rose pulling me to my feet with him. Placing both his hands on either side of my face he leaned down and gave me a soft caressing kiss that reached in and grabbed my heart. It was only a few seconds long but it was overwhelming in its intensity. Lifting his lips he looked at me with a wealth of emotion. “I love you.”
The simplicity of the words choked me up again while sending warmth shooting through me, but they also terrified me at the same time. Wanting to believe and actually believing just weren’t the same thing, and a part of me had a hard time accepting his words.
Maybe the insecurity showed on my face because Nic’s eyes reflected sorrow before he pulled me in for another hug. “I can understand your uncertainty after being disillusioned by those who were supposed to love you. Hell, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks; why would you believe in me? It’s a little mind-boggling to me. I never thought love would ever happen to me.” His chest rumbled with a self-derisive grunt. “I’m surprised I even recognize it since I’ve never had it in my life.”
My heart clenched in painful empathy. Nic never talked about his parents and I wondered what he might have gone through in his life. Maybe nothing as traumatic as mine, but it still seemed to have left a mark. I hugged him hard. “Nic, why would you say that?”
“Now is not the time for my dysfunctional story” I felt his warm lips on the top of my head. “I want you to know that it’s become my goal to gain your faith and trust and soon you won’t have any doubt about how I feel about you.”
I pressed my face into Nic’s chest, clinging to his hard frame. “You are off to a really good start.” I wanted to believe. I wanted the faith and trust. I wanted so much…
We headed back toward the house. Dr. Mathew’s must have been waiting for us because she walked into the foyer as we entered the house. She gave us a wide smile, but before she could say anything Nic walked up to her and held out his hand.
“Dr. Mathew’s, thank you so much for taking the time to see us today, and I also wanted to thank you for being there for Carrie. She might have only been with you a short time but I can see where Carrie gets a lot of her strength and compassion.”
Dr. Mathew’s face scrunched up slightly at Nic’s words and I couldn’t help the flutter in my chest at them either. She took Nic’s proffered hand with both of hers and they seemed to have some kind of silent communication before she released it. With a tearful smile she turned to embrace me, and I squeezed her tight in return. In some ways I viewed her more as my mother than my own mother, even if I had a difficult time calling her by her first name out loud.
When she stepped back I could see tears in her eyes. “For that year you were with us I had to act as your doctor and remain professional and somewhat detached, but you burrowed into my heart that first time I saw you. You are a special person Carrie; smart, compassionate, strong, and determined. I wanted so much for you to have everything you deserved, and I think if you allow yourself it’s there for you to take. Don’t be afraid to take it.”
Jeez! I was getting all choked up again. “Thank you…Mona. I won’t.”
She smiled at my use of her first name finally. “I know you have to get to work, but you have my number so don’t be strangers.” She gave Nic a smile including him in that statement.
We said goodbye and walked out to Nic’s truck. He made sure I was buckled in before heading around to the driver’s side.
“Are you hungry?” He asked starting the engine.
I gave a watery chuckle still trying to compose myself. “We ate just a couple hours ago.”
He gave me a confused look. “Yeah, so.”
I grinned. “So, it normally takes me more time before I get hungry again.”
“You only had a small sandwich, and you’re going to be working all afternoon. You need something more, and anyway I know I could use something.” His concern for my health gave me a hear
tfelt twinge. It was nice to have someone worrying about me like that.
A few minutes later he pulled up at some deli café and ordered a large sandwich with a fruit smoothie. I really wasn’t all that hungry but a strawberry-banana smoothie sounded too good to pass up.
It was silent in the truck as Nic ate his very large sandwich one handed while driving. When he was done he stuffed the wrapper in the paper bag it had come in. The silence continued but I could feel questions hanging in the air between us. It was uncomfortable and I hated being uncomfortable with him.
“I feel the weight of your curiosity. Do you want to ask me something?” The words came out of my mouth tentatively. I was unsure of what I would be able to answer.
He threw me a hesitant look as though afraid of what his questions would do to me, and again I hated that. I wanted to be stronger than that. “Please, ask me.”
“This is probably going to sound like the stupidest question, but with everything that was happening in your life how did you get that scholarship? I mean…I’ve figured out that you’re exceptionally smart so it’s not difficult to see how you got the scholarship, but…hell.” Nic jabbed his fingers in his hair and rubbed vigorously. I watched him wide-eyed, a little bemused by his babbling discomfort. He continued, “My question isn’t even a question really, it’s more like astonishment at what you were able to accomplish. I’m continually amazed by you.”
I blushed, still uncomfortable at being praised even though Nic did it a lot. “I skipped a grade in elementary so that year I missed at fourteen didn’t really set me back. When I went to live with my mom…” I frowned and turned away to look out the window. I didn’t like talking about my home life, but I knew I needed to if I wanted to get past my problems with insecurity and my episodes.
