Home Sweet Alaska

by Beth Carpenter

  “Oh, man.” He brushed it out of his collar. “You don’t play fair.”

  She laughed. “All’s fair in love and war.”

  “And which is this? War or love?” he asked.

  Suddenly she stopped laughing. She reached up to dust the snow away from his collar. “There. Did I get it all?”

  “It’s fine.” Scott hated the awkwardness his question had caused. “Here, why don’t you pose so that I can get a picture of you with the plane in the background?”

  “We’d better join Roger and Tig. They’re probably eager to get home.”

  It sounded to Scott more like she was the one eager to get home. Why mention love? It only made things worse. “Volta, last night—”

  “Doesn’t change anything. I get it.”

  Unfortunately, she was right. “I’m sorry I can’t be the kind of man you need.” The kind like her husband. Someone who was there for her every single day.

  “I said I get it. You don’t need to apologize.” She started for the plane. “Come on, they’re waiting.”

  He caught up to her. “Maybe we can get one of them to take a picture of us together before we go.”

  Tig and Roger were obviously accustomed to tourists requesting photos and suggested several poses with and without the plane. Once they’d finished, they loaded up and took off across the ice and into the blue sky.

  Volta stared out the window, but she no longer had that look of wide-eyed wonder. Instead, her expression was pensive.

  All’s fair in love and war? If love were the least bit fair, he and Volta would be together. But he’d made his choices and she’d made hers. A couple of kisses on a balcony and a snowball fight on a glacier couldn’t rewrite the past.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “LOOK. THE LEAVES on the birches have gotten bigger, just in the three days we were gone. According to local lore, once the leaves are the size of a mouse’s ear, it’s safe to plant your garden.” Why did she say that? Volta realized, even as the words came out of her mouth, that the observation was something only a gardener or Emma would be interested in. Ever since she’d made that stupid remark about love and war, nothing between them had felt the same.

  But Scott dutifully looked at the trees while waiting for traffic to clear. “They’re greener, too. I guess it’s really spring.”

  “Yes. I’ll probably plant tomorrow.”

  “Ah.” Scott pulled the car they’d rented in Fairbanks up beside his car in the parking lot of Puffin Medical Transport, popped the trunk and transferred the suitcases. “I’ll follow you to the rental car return and take you home.”

  Volta moved into the driver’s seat. “That would be great, thanks.”

  She circled the airport and turned into the rental car area. In her mirror she could see Scott. In another couple of minutes, she would get in the car with him. Ten minutes later, he would drop her off at home. And her part of the study would be done. It may have been a mistake, spending three days on the road with her ex. Every minute together had felt like old times. They still laughed at the same jokes, liked the same foods, noticed the same details.

  It was almost as though they’d never been apart, at least up until she mentioned love and war. Why did she do that? Why bring up love? Love wasn’t the answer, not in their case. Love was what had torn her heart in two once before. Because she’d loved him, and he’d loved her, but not enough to change his life plans.

  Yet that was a long time ago, when Volta was only twenty. She’d learned more about love since then. Love wasn’t a chain, binding people together. If you loved someone, you wanted their happiness, even if it meant sacrificing some of your own. Marriage and parenting had taught her that.

  Sometimes she had to say no to Emma, because what Emma wanted either wasn’t good for her or wasn’t possible. Seeing Emma sad and disappointed did nothing for Volta’s happiness, but it was necessary. Just like it was going to be necessary to say goodbye to Scott. Again.

  The attendant zapped her car with the scanner. “All set. Thanks. Need a lift to the terminal?”

  “No thanks.” She made her way across the short-term lot to the parking area where Scott waited.

  He looked up from his phone when she opened the door. “I would have picked you up.”

  “I didn’t mind the walk. It felt good to stretch my legs.” Volta waited until he’d started the engine and pulled out. “You think you have all the information you need for the study?”

  “I believe so. After talking with all those people and visiting the bush, I have specific recommendations in mind. I only need to organize the supporting notes to demonstrate how the fund can do the most with the least.” He merged with traffic before asking, “What are you going to plant?”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “In your garden.”

  And she thought he hadn’t been paying attention. She smiled. “Sugar snap peas. Carrots. Leaf lettuce. Green onions. Zucchini. Sunflowers, because Emma loves them. Maybe radishes because they’re quick. My rhubarb will be ready to cut before long, and my raspberries will ripen in August. I’m thinking of starting a strawberry bed.”

  “I like strawberry rhubarb pie.”

  “You’ve never met a pie you didn’t like.”

  “True.” He fiddled with the visor, blocking out the sun. “It must be very satisfying to watch something you’ve cared for grow and thrive.”

  Volta got the idea they were talking about more than gardening now. “It is satisfying. I like my job because it’s rewarding to help someone in trouble, but raising something, whether it’s a carrot or a daughter, is the most satisfying thing in the world. At least, I think so.”

  He glanced at her, a fond expression on his face. “You’re a nurturer. You always have been.”

  Was she? Maybe that was why she’d been drawn to Wade. His ultimate goals were home and family. He’d loved what he called her nesting instincts, whether they involved painting the bathroom or growing herbs in the window over the sink. He would have been so happy when she told him she was pregnant. If she’d had the chance. “Thanks for letting me be a part of this project,” she said to Scott. “I’m sure some real good will come of it.”

  “I feel the same. Your contributions were invaluable. Thank you.” He turned in to her neighborhood and slowed almost to a crawl. “I feel like I need to say something about last night.”

  “You already did, on the glacier. Remember?” The kiss they shared was one of those memories she planned to tuck away, one of those rare precious moments she could pull out now and then to cherish. Not something she wanted to dissect in a conversation. “Why can’t we just leave it alone?”

  “Because...” He pulled the car to the curb and turned to her. “Because I’m—well, sorry isn’t the word because I’m not sorry. I’m glad we had that time together, and I’m glad we kissed.”

  “I’m glad, too.”

  He met her gaze. “Where do we go from here?”

  “There is no we.” She reached to touch his cheek, to smooth away the sadness in his eyes, and then drew her hand away. “I’m a mother now, and you said it yourself. You’re not the kind of man I need. Not someone who’d be in my daughter’s life in the long term.”

  “What if—”

  “You know you’re devoted to DEMA. You haven’t had a vacation in five years, Scott. Yes, last night I fell for you all over again, but that doesn’t mean—”

  “You fell?”

  “It doesn’t change anything.”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  “No,” she said, firmly. “It doesn’t.”

  “What about my lesson with Emma tomorrow?”

  “What about it? As far as Emma is concerned, we’re coworkers and friends. No kisses, no promises. Emma has no idea I knew you before she was born, and she doesn’t need to know. I appreciate the time you�
�re spending with her, teaching her to ride, but last night notwithstanding, that’s all it is.”

  “Understood.” He drove the final two blocks before he turned in to the driveway. He fetched her suitcase from the trunk, and she tugged it along the sidewalk. “Volta?” His voice was soft.

  “Yes?” she asked without turning.

  “Last night, I fell, too.”

  Volta paused. She didn’t want to watch him drive away. Quickly, she slipped through the side door via the garage.

  Dropping her bag at her feet, she entered the kitchen, only to be almost bowled over by Emma launching herself into her arms. Volta laughed and hugged her daughter. The way Emma was growing, she wouldn’t be able to catch her like this much longer. Dressed in her pajamas with damp hair, Emma smelled of shampoo and toothpaste, all but ready for bed.

  Volta gave her a big squeeze and set her on her feet. “Hi. How was the math test?”

  “I got an A. Only one wrong answer.”

  “That’s great.” Volta turned to Stacy, who was pushing the start button on the dishwasher. “Thanks for staying with Emma. Did everything go okay?”

  “Sure. We had fun, didn’t we, Emma?”

  Emma nodded. “We looked at pictures.” She grabbed Volta’s hand and pulled her toward the living room. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

  The coffee table in the living room was piled high with familiar boxes and albums. When Hannah and Jim had sold their house and moved to a smaller place in Homer, they’d divided the family photos between Wade and Stacy, and it looked like Stacy had dug them all out of the bookcases in the hallway.

  “Look.” Emma picked up a book with the word Memories splashed across the cover. It wasn’t one of Hannah’s, but the scrapbook Volta had started the day she and Wade got back from their honeymoon. Emma flipped to a marked page about a quarter of the way through the book. “This is Daddy getting a trophy.” The photo showed him with an enormous grin on his face, dressed in down bib and jacket with his goggles pushed up onto his forehead. He held the silver cup up over his head while the surrounding crowd cheered. Volta had decorated the page with snowflakes and a cutout of a trophy.

  “That was when he won in the Arunka Open. He said it was one of his best races ever.”

  Emma set the book on the table and Stacy picked it up to examine the page.

  Emma found another album. “Here he is when he was eight like me.” Two pages were filled with photos of a birthday party. Wade was blowing out candles on a cake decorated with ninjas. Volta smiled. It looked exactly like something he would have chosen.

  Then she noticed the girl in the background. Five-year-old Stacy was staring at her brother with rapt admiration as though blowing out the candles was a miraculous feat. Volta looked over at Stacy, sitting in the chair with the scrapbook in her lap. The expression on her face as she gazed at the picture of her brother with his trophy wasn’t much different. He’d always been her hero.

  To Stacy, Wade was larger than life. Nobody would ever be good enough for her brother. Volta certainly wasn’t. The sad thing was, Stacy was right. Volta wasn’t good enough. She’d never given Wade her whole heart, because she’d already given away a piece of it before she met him. But she’d loved him the best way she knew how, and he’d told her over and over how happy she made him. He’d given her a daughter. And that alone would make her love him for the rest of her life.

  The clock on the mantel chimed. Volta looked up. “Do you realize it’s thirty minutes past your bedtime, young lady? Come on, I’ll tuck you in.”

  “Okay.” Emma gave her that half abashed, half proud smirk she always did when she thought she was getting away with something. She started up the stairs with her mother right behind her. “Is Dr. Scott still going to give me a lesson tomorrow?” she asked as they reached the landing.

  “That’s the plan.” Volta shooed her into her room, tucked her into bed and reached for the book on the nightstand. “One chapter, and then right to sleep, okay?”

  “Okay.” Emma hugged her stuffed dog. “How much longer is Aunt Stacy going to be here?”

  Volta looked up from the book. “I’m not sure. Why?”

  “I just wondered.” Emma snuggled deeper into her pillow. “I don’t think she likes Dr. Scott.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  Emma shrugged. “She said I didn’t have to listen to him because he’s not my daddy. Is that true?”

  Volta was beginning to question the wisdom of leaving Emma with Stacy for three days. “He’s teaching you to ride horses, just like your teacher at school teaches you to read and do math and things like that. If you didn’t listen to people who teach you, how would you learn anything?”

  “That’s what I thought.” Emma closed her eyes and listened while Volta read a chapter from the latest book Emma had checked out of the library, which was, of course, about a girl and a horse. It looked like they’d advanced a chapter or two while Volta was away.

  As Volta finished the chapter, Emma was teetering on the verge of sleep. Volta kissed her daughter’s forehead. “Good night, sweetie. I love you to infinity.”

  “Plus one,” Emma murmured. “G’night.”

  Volta eased the door shut and walked downstairs. Stacy had disappeared somewhere. Volta gathered up an armload of albums and carried them to the hall, where she sat down to arrange them on the bottom shelf.

  “You can’t just hide him away in a drawer, you know.” Stacy stood staring down at her with her hands on her hips. “And pretend he never existed.”

  “What are you talking about?” Volta slid two more albums into place.

  “Wade. You just pack him away on a shelf while you go wandering around the state with your boyfriend. Does that guy even know you were married?”

  “You know very well I was working.” And kissing, but that was absolutely none of Stacy’s business.

  “I figured out why his name seemed familiar. He’s the guy who dumped you in Hawaii. Were you having an affair with him while you were married to Wade?”

  Volta rolled her eyes. “Stacy, you’re delusional. First of all, Scott has been working overseas since he finished his residency in Hawaii.”

  “See, you know exactly where he was, and when. If you weren’t having an affair, you were in contact with him. It’s still cheating.”

  That did it. Volta stood up and locked her eyes onto Stacy’s. She made the conscious decision not to yell. Instead she enunciated each syllable. “I’m going to make this perfectly clear. I never cheated on your brother. In any way. Ever.” She took a step closer. Stacy eased backward. “Because you’re Emma’s aunt and she loves you, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize. Otherwise, you can pack your things and get out of my house. Think about that and make your decision while I bring in my suitcase.”

  Volta spun around and stalked into the garage. How dare she! Volta cheat? Never. Wade was devoted to her, and she would never, ever have done anything to hurt her husband.

  Too bad Volta didn’t believe in ghosts. If Wade’s spirit had overheard what Stacy had accused her of, he would have put his sister in her place. But he wasn’t here to fight her battles, so Volta was going to have to do it herself.

  When she returned, Stacy was standing in the living room, staring out the window. Volta carried her suitcase upstairs, set it in her bedroom and peeked inside Emma’s room. Emma was sleeping soundly. Volta shut the door and returned downstairs.

  “Time’s up. What’s your decision?”

  Stacy turned to face her. “I’m sorry.” It didn’t sound particularly sincere, but she’d said it. Volta remained silent, waiting for her to continue. Eventually, she did. “I know you didn’t cheat on Wade. But—”

  “Be very careful in what you’re about to say,” Volta warned. “Emma already told me you’d tried to undermine Scott’s authority as her riding instructor. I�
��m not inclined to put up with a bunch of nonsense from you tonight.”

  “Her own daddy should be teaching her, not some guy you know.”

  “I agree. I wish Wade could be here with Emma. But he’s not. And there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

  Stacy’s bottom lip extended like a stubborn child’s. She blinked, hard. “It just seems like you don’t ever think about Wade, after all he did for you. He paid for this house and your school. You wouldn’t be here if not for him.”

  Half true. Her emergency response training expenses came from the savings her parents had set aside for her. Wade had made the down payment on this house, but Volta had been making the mortgage payments from her own salary for over eight years. The money from his modest life insurance policy was tucked away in an account to pay for Emma’s college. But Wade did give her Emma. And Emma was everything.

  “You’re wrong that I don’t think about him.” Volta walked over to the coffee table and picked up a scrapbook still lying there. She flipped to a page of Wade at the top of the lift at Alyeska. “You know that expression that Emma gets on her face when she’s about to climb to the very top of the monkey bars? Or go shooting down the sledding hill? Maybe you don’t, because you’re not around Emma all that often. But I see it.” She pointed to the photo. “It’s exactly the same expression Wade would get just before he started down a black diamond ski run. I see him in Emma every day. I couldn’t possibly forget him, nor would I want to.”

  “I miss him.” Stacy sniffed. Her lip quivered.

  “I know.” Volta ordinarily would have offered tissues and a hug, but she was not inclined to reward Stacy for her melodrama. Instead, she gathered up another load of memories and put them away.

  After a moment, Stacy came into the hall, carrying the last two boxes of photos. “Are you really going out with the guy who dumped you?”

  “How does that concern you?”

  “I’ll take that as a yes.” Stacy shoved the boxes onto the shelf.