One (Love by Numbers Book 5)
Page 8
“Besides, I’ll see you again on Monday. The first day of shooting, remember? I’ll need my trusty assistant slash sidekick there to hold my hand. I can’t believe someone booked me for a part in a major feature film.”
“Believe it, hot stuff. I told you the sky is the limit.” She digs her small fingers between my ribs in a tickling motion until I shake her off. The girl is a ruthless tickler.
“Yeah, well. We’ll see. At least with the amount of makeup I’ll need for the role if I crash and burn I can try and deny it was me.”
She stands on tiptoes and reaches up to pinch my cheeks. “I can’t believe they are willingly going to disfigure all this handsomeness. I mean, who would want to scar up this pretty boy face?”
“Calling me a pretty boy is not at all demeaning. Here I thought you loved me for my wit and charm.”
She laughs and pops a wet smacker on my cheek, before rubbing it off with her hand. “Yeah, well. You have that going for you too, I guess.” Her face falls a little, and she adds, “Well if you’re sure I can go…”
“I’m sure. Go and christen your new place with your hunky fiancé.”
“I’ll tell him you said that.”
“What? That he’s to bone you in every room?”
“No, that he’s hunky.”
“You do that. It’s not like I could steal him away from you, that boy is smitten.”
Are you finding this conversation a little weird? Wondering how I’m so openly cool, calm and collected about my sexuality? It’s not because I’ve admitted to Elaina about being attracted to a man, it’s just that I’ve finally admitted it to myself and moved on. I refer to it- only in my head of course- as the Isaac Fox Effect. I’ve yet to have the same visceral reaction to another man. Therefore it was a freak one-off and seeing as I haven’t encountered him since that night a year ago, everything is right in the world.
Well, all of that and the fact that I’ve been quietly seeing a therapist. Not just about my sexuality, about everything, including losing my brother. It helps. It helps a lot.
“Go on now, shoo. I’ve got this under control. I’ll see you on Monday. You can check out my new place and give it the Lei seal of approval.”
“Can’t wait.” She blows me a kiss and calls over her shoulder, “Don’t forget to drop the keys off to the concierge when you leave. You’ll only complain if they charge you for changing the locks and you’re in deepest darkest Wales.”
“It’s Cardiff. It’s a bloody city.”
“It’s Wales. Why are they filming a movie that’s set in London in bloody Wales?”
She doesn’t want an answer. She’s already walking out the door still mumbling something about outdoor toilets and a lack of indoor electricity. The location was her only complaint about me taking this role, despite the fact I’ve never acted in my life. She’s fine with me playing a cold-blooded, disfigured killer, she’s fine with me keeping tokens of my victims and wearing them around my neck, she’s just not happy about having to commute to Wales.
I don’t have the same problem. I love Wales.
As soon as Jace proposed and Elaina broke the news that they were going to live together, I rented a place out in Cardiff on a short-term lease. It makes sense, seeing as I’m going to be filming there for the next six months at least. Plus, I love the city. Having attended Cardiff Met for my Sports Science degree, I’m eager to go back as I have so many fond memories of my time there.
Warm summer days with friends on the green outside the Castle, the bustling vibrancy of Cardiff nightlife, the varied mix of Welsh heritage and culture combined with influences from all over the world. The way the city would come alive with good-humoured sportsmanship on rugby international days. I could go as far to say that, despite living in London for the last six years or so, Cardiff is my favourite city in the world. There’s no place quite like it, and I can’t wait to go back.
I take one last look through the apartment I’ve shared with Elaina for the last couple of years and smile at the memories these walls hold.
Yes, I’ll be sad to let this place go, but I’m excited to start the next chapter of my life, just as Elaina is starting the next chapter of hers.
She’s found the one that she’s meant to travel the road with, while I remain alone, and although I can feel my internal clock ticking telling me to settle down, I just haven’t found anyone to do that with yet, and I’m okay with that. If it happens, it happens. If not, well… I have my career, and hopefully this film will be a new direction for me, as there is only so long that I can rely on my body to be my brand. I need a long-term path, and if I nail this role exciting things will follow.
I shut the door on my past and carry my last few boxes down to the van I’ve hired to drive all my stuff to Cardiff.
I could’ve had a company do all this for me, but I’m excited to take this step myself. A fresh start that will only build on all my hard work so far.
Goodbye London, Hello Cardiff.
Goodbye Flynn Phillips, fitness personality. Hello Flynn Phillips, award winning actor.
Well, you’ve gotta have dreams.
Aim high, dream high. Even if you’re shooting for the moon but miss, you’ll still end up somewhere among the stars, or so my mother was fond of telling us growing up.
Like most mothers, she’s right.
Six hours later, after getting stuck in tailbacks on the dreaded M4 motorway, I pull up in front of an imposing, traditional period style house on a quiet suburban street just outside the city centre.
I could’ve rented a swanky apartment right in the city, but I love this part of Cardiff. It has parks, bars and a vibrant café culture. I wanted to be within walking distance of the city but also feel like I’m removed from the hustle and bustle for a few months at least. Plus, we’ll be filming on location a lot, so this will be the perfect place to escape to after a long day on set.
The estate agent is waiting for me on the doorstep. I’m sure it was my name alone that has him out here at ten o’clock at night when he should be home with his wife and kids. The hefty commission combined with a household name as a tenant is sure to look good on his portfolio of properties.
I’m not complaining, I appreciate the welcome, including a fully stocked fridge and bar of which he informs me as we enter the property.
He also let slip that a few of the other actors and the director, Jake Fox, are all staying in houses on this very same street. It’s something I already knew as Jake’s assistant informed me before I signed the lease, but it’s a little loose-lipped of this agent to be sharing the same information, so I tell him just that, and he looks rightly apologetic.
“Yes, sorry, Mr Phillips. I guess I got carried away, but I’m sure that seeing as you’re working with Mr Fox, he won’t mind me letting you know that you are neighbours.”
I glare in response, turning my back on his attempt at schmoozing his way out of it and instead surveying the inside of my new home.
High ceilings, period features including open fires, combined with luxurious fittings and high-tech installations like surround sound throughout and a top of the range media system, plus a fully equipped gym, make this house perfect for me.
“Thanks, Bob. I’ve had a long drive, so I’ll sign all the paperwork tomorrow and drop it to your office.” Turning to face him once more I add, “So if you don’t mind, I’d like to get settled in.”
“Of course, of course. I’ll leave you to it.” He holds his hand out for me to shake and I offer him mine while steering him towards the front door.
“If you need anything, I’ve left our office number and my direct number on the counter in the kitchen. Call anytime.”
“Thanks again, Bob.” I open the door while keeping my polite smile in place until Bob is left standing alone on the pavement outside and I’m finally alone.
This is it.
A fresh start.
I don’t bother unpacking. Instead, I grab a bottle of beer from my fully stocked
fridge- thanks, Bob- sprawl on my new sofa and flick on the television. Propping my feet on the low coffee table, I take a long draw from my bottle and select a random film.
Everything feels different but good.
New, but exciting.
I’m alone in a new city without Lei as my crutch, and for the first time in a long time, I feel alive and ready for what’s to come.
With a few days free until I have to report for costume fittings ready for filming, I plan out in my head the places I want to visit while I’m here.
First things first, tomorrow I’ll unpack then I’m heading straight to the Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff Bay.
Don’t judge me. We are all big kids at heart, and I’ve been a Whovian since the day I found out my brother was scared of Daleks.
It was a Saturday night tradition at our house to watch the show together and Clark- yes, I can say his name now without choking- would sit and hide behind a cushion for the entire episode. So I’m visiting the exhibit for him as much as me. I want to begin to remember the good things and not the bad. I want my brother back; I want his memories back. I’m ready to forgive him.
In fact, I think I already have.
With another long drink of beer, I sigh contently and close my eyes.
“To new beginnings.”
Fuck. I miss them.
Seeing Ivy’s little face on the screen before me while we FaceTime only serves to heighten this feeling.
“We’re going to the beach, Uncle Iz.”
Her cherubic face framed in blonde ringlets is so reminiscent of her mother’s, but while she has her mother’s looks she has her father’s shy disposition.
I grin big at her excitement, my smile hiding the concerns I have about Josh taking his kids away from everyone they know and love to spend the summer in Ibiza.
“I know, your Daddy told me. I bet you can’t wait to swim in the sea and make sandcastles on the beach. You’re going to have so much fun.”
She nods enthusiastically, flashing me her pearly milk teeth with a wide smile.
“Yep. I’m a big girl so I can build one all by myself, but Arthur is too little so Daddy said I must help him.”
I love the way she pronounces Arthur- Arfurr- Josh stuck with the name Laura wanted for their little one despite their numerous disagreements before he was born. The name suits the bouncing baby boy, and it was Laura’s grandfather’s name, so it’s fitting that he bears the family moniker that his mother wanted.
“Your Dad is right, you need to look after your little brother, he needs his big sister to look out for him.”
And so does your Daddy. He needs you even though your young shoulders shouldn’t have to bear that weight.
“Are you coming with us?” Her bright eyes shine out from the screen in front of me, and my heart lurches. It’s the same question she’s asked me almost every day for the last few weeks. As soon as she found out they were going she expected me to tag along with them. Telling her no is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but my mother is right, Josh needs to do this on his own. It’s time for him to be a fully functioning father again and not a robotic droid who is unable to emotionally invest himself in his children’s lives.
“No, Ivy-Leaves. I can’t come with you. I have to work, remember?”
Her bottom lip wobbles and I’m seconds away from taking those words back, calling Jake and telling him to give my job to someone else.
Just as I open my mouth to say just that, Josh’s face comes into view.
“Come on, Ivy. We’ve talked about this. Uncle Iz can’t stay with us forever. He’s got a life of his own to get on with. Now say goodbye and then go and clean your teeth ready for bed. I’ll be up to tuck you in soon.”
“Can Uncle Iz read me a bedtime story?”
Her little face turns to mine once more but before I can reply Josh’s stern voice chastises her. “Ivy, enough. Go and do as you’re told. Uncle Iz is away with his work. He’s not reading you a story. Now get up those stairs and brush your teeth.”
Tears spill over her long lashes and roll down her pink cheeks. Fuck. I knew that leaving them wasn’t a good idea. He’s not ready for this; they need me.
“I can…” I begin, about to offer to read to her over FaceTime.
“No! Stop, Isaac. She needs to listen to me. I’m her Dad, and I say it’s bedtime.” His eyes flash with anger behind his thick-framed glasses, and I’m seconds away from getting on my bike and riding back to London whether he likes it or not.
“G-g-g-night Uncle Iz. I love you.”
Ivy’s sweet face struggles to hold back her emotions, and she bravely blows me a kiss before jumping down from the sofa and disappearing from my screen.
When I think she’s gone and can’t hear me, I let loose.
“Josh, there was no need to get angry with her. She’s too young to understand all these changes. First I leave, when I’ve been a huge part of her life for the last year, then you decide to take them away to another country…”
“Butt out, Iz. I appreciate everything you’ve done for us but do not tell me how to raise my kids.”
His eyes bore into mine through my tablet screen. Anger and annoyance evident in his features.
“I’m not telling you anything. I’m just saying she’s not even three years old and she’s struggling too, Josh. You can’t expect…”
“Stop!”
He tears his glasses off and runs his hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You think I don’t know all this? You think I don’t know what a shitty father I am?” He laughs sardonically, “I know what a piss-poor excuse for a parent I’ve been the last year. I fucking know. I don’t need you ramming it down my throat or trying to take my place.”
Is that what he thinks I’ve been doing?
“I’m not, I wasn’t trying to…”
“Listen, I’m grateful, I really am, but this is why I’m taking the kids away. It’ll be good for us. There’re too many reminders here, and I just want to do what’s best for them and right now staying here is killing me. Sleeping in the same bed, sitting on the same sofa, drinking out of the same mugs, even tucking Ivy up in the same sheets, is too much. It’s all the same here. It’s all Laura. She’s everywhere and yet nowhere. Everything I see, everything I touch, everything I smell is a reminder of her not being here with us. I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality. I can’t function another second in this house with all our things surrounding me.” He shakes his head, defeat, grief and sadness emanating from his features. “It’s all still here but she’s not, and it’s wrong, Iz. It’s so fucking wrong that I can’t breathe for feeling her but not touching her, for smelling her, but not seeing her. I need out, and I won’t ever be coming back to this place.”
His shoulders slump. His outpouring of words a clear manifestation of the grief that still consumes him. I don’t know what to say. What worthless combination of vowels and consonants can I form to make any of this any better?
“I’m here for you.”
His weary eyes blink at me from the screen. His defeated facade made all the more heart-breaking by the small smile he attempts to form.
“I know. Iz.”
We stare at each other in silence. Josh’s face trying to convey that he’s going to be okay, and mine attempting to show him that even in silence I’m not going anywhere. If he needs me, I’ll be there.
“Go on now, big shot movie maker. Go and show our hotshot brother that he’s not the only one with silver screen talent.”
I quietly laugh and shake my head. “I’m not acting in Jake’s film. I’m doing the cinematography.”
“Yeah, whatever. Just go and show Jake how it’s done before his head gets too big for his megastar shoulders.”
We both laugh at that. Jake may once have been a cocky bastard but Emma changed all that, he’s not at all showy of his success and fame.
“Okay, I will do. But if you need…”
“Alright, bro. I’ll speak to you soon. Give Arty a kiss from me too.”
“His name is Arthur.”
“Yeah, but he likes Arty.”
“He’s not even one yet. He doesn’t know what he likes.”
“Yeah, he does. He’s a bright boy.”
A sad smile graces Josh’s face, and I know just what he’s thinking because I’m thinking the same. He’s just like his Mum.
“Speak soon, bro.”
He doesn’t wait for my goodbye. He disconnects FaceTime without making eye contact again, and I find myself staring at my troubled reflection in the black screen before me.
After a crappy night’s sleep where I worried constantly about Josh and the kids, I drag myself out of bed at the arse crack of dawn and find myself in the unfamiliar kitchen of my new rented home.
I’m two doors down from Jake and his family and a few doors away from a couple of the actors who are starring in my brother’s first ever feature film. Well, it’s not his first movie, but it’s his first as a director, and I know he wants to make it a huge success.
I grab a protein shake from the fridge- the estate agent helpfully stocked the house with all my requirements before I got here- slip on my running shoes and head out into the cool early morning air for my usual ten-mile run.
I’m hardly what you could call an overly athletic or sporty person, but I like running. No skill is required to be able to do it, and it’s great therapy. It also helps me maintain a body that both the chicks and guys seem to like. What can I say? I have a healthy libido or I should say I had a healthy libido. There hasn’t been anyone for almost a year. I’ve spent the last twelve months with Josh and his kids. They needed me, and that left me zero time for any nocturnal activities.
The last time I got intimate with anyone was… Flynn Phillips. Yeah, that worked out well. Okay, so it wasn’t just Flynn that night, Céline was a part of it too, although I can only remember Flynn. I recall everything about him, from his cut body to the worn leather bracelet on his wrist, which is a little worrying considering how that night ended.