Chasing Fate

by Rachael Brownell

  Staring at the list, I'm amazed at all I managed to accomplish over the last few months. Things I never would have had the courage to do if it hadn't been for my stupid tumor. A death sentence has a way of kicking your butt in gear. There's still so much I'd like to do in my lifetime. Things that aren't on this list and never would have made it on the list of a twenty-something girl.

  Now a woman with more life experience, I can think of at least ten places off the top of my head I wish I'd added to visit. Five things I'd like to try to accomplish. A few things I'd love to share with Jackson and Alex. And so much more.

  If only there was time. Time is the one thing I wish I had more of more than anything else.

  Folding the piece of paper back up, I tuck it safely in the pocket inside my purse. I want to take it with me. I want to be able to see all that we did, to remember our trip whenever I need a reminder of why I'm fighting so hard.

  Before I head back to bed, I do the one thing I've been putting off for a few days now. Inspired by Amber's letters, I'm going to write a few of my own. One to each of the people I love so they'll never forget what they mean to me. They'll never have to question how I felt about them. My words will be there to help them grieve should it be necessary. I'll take them with me and have the doctor mail them if things, well...

  This is going to suck.

  #25 Beat the odds

  Jackson,

  I don't even know where to start. The words I love you don't even seem like enough. You saved me in a way. Your love saved me from leaving this world angry and alone. That's exactly what I was before we embarked on our epic journey.

  It wasn't until you had to leave me in the Bahamas that I even realized it. I had been in love with you for a while. Afraid to admit it to myself, I focused on work. When I decided to quit my job, there was nowhere else to focus my attention. We were having fun. I made the rules so neither of us got hurt. Rules that I started to break before we even left town. I was weak, what can I say?

  My heart grew weaker and weaker the farther we got from home because I fell more and more in love with you. I fall even more in love with you every day. The day we got married, my heart was filled with so much love it almost hurts. That's how much I love you, Jackson.

  Every time I look at you, I see the love you have for me in your eyes. That's a love that you will carry with you long after I'm gone. Whether that be tomorrow or ten years from now. It's the kind of love that will destroy you if you allow it.

  Please don't let it destroy you. Promise me. Not because I'm dying. Not because I may never see you again. No matter what happens, I need to know that you will go on, that you'll love again if you are lucky enough to find someone.

  At the end of the day, all I want is for you to be happy. If I can't be the person that makes you happy because I'm not here, I want someone to be able to.

  I love you, Jackson. More than you'll ever know, but I hope you can feel it. I hope you can feel the immensity of my love. Forever and always.

  Jessa

  Amber,

  Your turn. I haven't read all your letter because, apparently, I didn't have enough emotional breakdowns while I was away, but I'd like to one day. Until then, you get to read one from me.

  Grab a tissue. I know you're already crying.

  Okay, as my bestie, I think we need to cover a few things first.

  1. Please take care of Jackson. Check in on him from time to time. Make sure he doesn't stop living altogether. It'll be hard at first, for both of you, but I know I can count on you for this.

  2. Same as above, but with my parents and with Alex.

  3. Get a hot stone massage. This is a must. As much as I know you'll never want to get another one because we did this together, you have to. It'll help, I promise. Plus, I'm sure you could use a relaxing hour or two in your life. Especially if you're working on the first two things I asked you to do.

  Now, on to the sappy stuff because I know you like it so much. Got your tissue? Seriously, go get it.

  You, for the last seven years, have been everything to me. My best friend, a shoulder to cry on, strength when I didn't have my own, everything. I want you to know how lucky I am to have you in my life. There's no one else like you and that's because you are so amazing.

  Best friend doesn't even begin to cover the extent of our relationship. I love you, girl. As much as your husband does, much more, and in a different way. This is going to be hardest on you, I think. Not because you love me more than anyone else, but because we rely on each other every day. Just know, even though you can't see me, I'm there for you. You can talk to me all you want. I'll be listening.

  Best Friends Forever,

  Jessa

  Alex,

  Hey, bud! This letter sucks, and I'm sorry. If Mom and Dad are giving it to you, that means that things didn't work out as planned. That also means that they told you some things that I didn't have the chance to. I'm sure you’re confused, maybe even angry, but I want you to know that I didn't make that decision lightly. I wanted what was best for you at the time.

  Please make sure you don't take out your anger on them. They are the greatest parents anyone could ask for. They love unconditionally and will always support you.

  I want you to know it’s okay to be sad and angry. It's okay to cry. Most importantly, I want you to know how much I love you. You're my heart, Alex. You always have been, since the moment you entered this world.

  Hug Mom and Dad for me.

  Love,

  Jessa

  Mom and Dad,

  Well, I guess it didn't work. It was worth a shot. Anything that would have given me a chance to live longer would have been worth a shot. I'm sorry this wasn't it. I'm sorry you're reading this. Most of all, I'm sorry we didn't spend more time together these past few months. As much as I wanted and needed that trip, I should have been home spending time with you guys and Alex.

  This is going to break him. He has such a huge heart and a great spirit. I'm so sorry you have to be the ones to tell him. I've written him a letter, as well. Before you give it to him, I'd like for you to tell him the truth about everything else.

  He needs to know that I was his birth mother. I'm not his mom. I'm not the one that tucks him in at night or takes him to school in the morning, but I am a part of him. Please explain the situation I was in and why we made the decisions we did. Tell him about Jeff if you need to, but leave him out if you can. That's a conversation for another day. Today is going to be confusing enough for him.

  I'm including some paperwork in this letter. It's my life insurance and bank account information. It should be plenty to cover any costs. Jackson will probably attempt to handle the arrangements, bless his heart. Let him, but make sure he has this information, too.

  I love you both. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me. Not just with Alex, but life in general. You were the best parents a girl could ask for. Alex is a lucky kid to have the two of you to look up to and learn from.

  Love,

  Jessa

  Epilogue

  "We need a new list," Jackson says as he rolls on top of me. He's woken me up like this every day since I've been home. Four hundred thirty-six days and counting.

  "I already started one," I reply nonchalantly as I grind my pelvis against his.

  "Oh really?" he asks, surprised.

  "Yeah. I figure we can make one together for a few years, and then once we've saved up the money, start checking things off the list."

  "What about–"

  "Mooooooooom!" Alex yells from the other side of the door just as he knocks. "I'm hungry."

  "We'll just have to go over the summer to make it work," I answer, pushing against him so I can go make Alex pancakes. It's our Saturday morning thing.

  My treatments took longer than planned. I spent ten weeks in California, only two of which I was alone. Against my wishes, Jackson flew out to check on me. When he arrived, I was sick from all the medication and didn't have
the strength to fight with him about it. After a few weeks of him hovering, I tried to get him to go home. He wouldn't budge.

  It made me angry. My anger made me work harder, fight harder. The doctor said it could have been what saved me in the end. The medication was doing its job, it was shrinking the tumor like they hoped. The same medication that was working for me ended up taking the life of another patient.

  She was a year younger than me with the same diagnosis, and the medication was working. She gave up. Her body gave up. She was alone in California. That could have been me. If Jackson hadn't shown up and been a pain in my ass, I could have died there, too. My anger kept me going.

  At the end of week seven, they did the surgery, and it was successful. When I woke up, my head hurt, but my memory was intact. There were no signs there's was any damage to my brain, which was just short of a miracle according to the doctors.

  The phone still rings every now and then with a doctor wanting to interview me or ask questions. There were several articles published about the clinical trial that mentioned my name and results. I gave them permission to use me as an example of what the drug can do. They're trying to get it approved so they can help other people. Unfortunately, I'm a rare example. Of the fifteen of us that began the clinical trial together, only eight survived the medication, and only three of us went home to our families.

  Those of us that did had a great support system while we were there.

  After we got home, I spent a few weeks adjusting to our new life. Jackson sold the fitness center. His partner had been asking to buy him out for months, and he finally caved. That worked out to be a blessing, though, because we found a house thirty minutes out of town and decided to buy it.

  Now, he works out of the house as a personal trainer. He's even set up an area in the basement to conduct classes. The suburbs are full of potential clients, too. After only a few weeks, he had a dozen clients and more are calling every day. Most of them are stay at home moms with tight schedules that he can work around. All of them heard about him from Amber.

  Word of mouth is the best advertising. It's free.

  I get to work from home now, too. Not only am I Jackson's personal assistant, but I've also started using my degree. Having a master’s in business marketing isn't worth much unless you use it. So, I started my own company. It's still small, but growing day by day. I work for a few of the local businesses out here, and next week, I have a meeting with a chain of flower shops in the city. I'm hoping that goes well. If it does, there might be an opportunity for a chain of coffee shops, as well.

  Once we were settled, we invited my parents and Alex over for a backyard barbecue. I talked to them in advance and told them that I was ready to tell Alex the truth if they were on board. They were more than fine with my decision. I think the fact that I returned, alive and well, is more than enough for them.

  Alex and I took a tour of the house together while Jackson and my parents went to start the grill. The last room I showed him was his. He was confused, of course, so we sat on his new bed and I started from the beginning. I tried to keep it simple. Even for an almost six year-old, the kid is smart. He cried, and was angry with me at first for lying to him.

  Holding him in my arms, I apologized over and over again. I tried to make him understand, to see my side of things, but he didn't want to. That night, when he left, he wouldn't say goodbye to me. He avoided eye contact and ran to the car. It broke my heart to see him like that. My words and actions were the reason he was upset.

  A few days later, my parents called and asked if they could come over. Without hesitation, I agreed, unsure of why. It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon. When I heard the car pull into the driveway, I peeked out the window, and the first thing I saw was Alex running toward the front porch with a suitcase in his hand.

  As soon as I opened the door, he ran into my arms and asked if he could live with me. I was so choked up I couldn't even answer him. I shook my head up and down until I was certain he knew what I was trying to say.

  While he got himself settled in his new room, my parents and I talked logistics. They wanted to wait a few months to make sure he didn't change his mind before signing custody over to me. About the time Alex would start school, he would also become my full-time responsibility.

  Jackson came home just as my parents were leaving. There was a look of confusion on his face when he saw Alex waving to them from the porch. Raising his eyebrows at me as he approached, I shook my head and gave him a pleading look. He knew we would talk later when little ears weren't listening.

  Life was an adjustment at first. Alex liked to wake up early, just like my parents. Jackson and I were used to making our own hours and sleeping in late. We also weren't used to locking our bedroom door, which we quickly found was a good solution to him waking us up.

  As time's gone by, things have mellowed in our house. Alex calls me mom now, and Jackson dad. He calls my parents mama and papa like he always has. He doesn't ask about his real father, and for that, I'm thankful. Jackson would like to officially adopt him someday, but that means I would need to get Jeff to sign the papers. Until that moment, I don't want to talk about him or think about him.

  We've started a few family traditions recently. One being pancakes on Saturday morning. In order to get them, Alex needs to let us sleep until eight o'clock, though. That was the condition. So, every morning at eight on the dot, he knocks on our door. If nothing, he's prompt. I'm sure he's been up for an hour already, probably building Legos in his room.

  Opening the door, I find Alex standing with his hand on his hip, giving me an irritated look. "It's about time," he says.

  "Hey, bud. Watch it. Mom's tired this morning."

  "Sorry," he replies immediately, looking at the ground in shame.

  "It's fine, just remember that not everyone likes to watch the sun rise like you do," I say, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. "Now, let's make some pancakes."

  Alex whisks the batter while I heat up the griddle. Jackson joins us just as we're flipping the first set. He makes the coffee and pours Alex a cup of orange juice. Five minutes later, we're all meeting at the table.

  Digging in, Alex powers through two pancakes before I even finish one. The kid loves pancakes. He would probably eat them every day if I made them for him. I'm not a big fan, but I'll eat one a week if it makes my son happy. My son. I still can't get over how much I love the way that sounds, even after all this time.

  "So," Jackson says, breaking into my thoughts. "Let’s talk more about this list."

  "What list?" Alex chimes in.

  "Mom's making another list. This time, we get to add to it, though."

  "We do? Awesome!"

  "Um, excuse me, boys. Why don't you make your own lists? This one's mine."

  "Nope," Jackson states, popping his P. "That's not how it works. We're a family now. We do it together."

  "I'll go get some paper," Alex announces before running toward his room.

  "Alex!" I holler. "Grab my purse. The list is in there."

  He returns a few minutes later with my purse in one hand and two pieces of construction paper in the other. When I ask him what the paper's for, he tells me that he wants his own copy of the list.

  "What should item number one be?" Jackson asks Alex.

  "I already have two things on the list. Start with number three."

  "What's one and two, Mom?"

  Looking to Jackson, I pull the piece of paper from my purse, unfold it slowly, and read items one and two to Alex so he can write them down.

  #1 Celebrate our ten-year anniversary

  #2 Have another baby

  "Cool. Mom, are you really going to have another baby?"

  Alex's excitement catches me off guard. I figured he would be upset when he learned I wanted another baby. We're still adjusting to our life together. Adding another kid would throw things out of whack around here. Plus, the last thing I want is for his to be jealous or feel like he's not enough.

/>   "Someday, bud," I reply, still focused on Jackson.

  He hasn't blinked. He's staring at me with no emotion on his face. I expected shock or excitement. I'm getting neither or maybe both.

  "That would be cool. I'd love someone to play with."

  Laughing, I turn to him. His face is overcome with joy. I wish Jackson had the same expression right now.

  "You do know that they don't arrive ready to build Legos, right? They're small and all they want to do at first is poop and sleep."

  "I know, but once the baby is older, I can show it how to do things. I'd be a great big brother."

  "You would." Turning back to Jackson, I wait for a few beats before continuing. "What do you think?"

  Clearing his throat, Jackson finally puts me out of my misery. "We should get started. Now. This very minute. Babies take time to make, you know."

  Shaking my head at him, I'm about to respond when Alex chimes in.

  "How do you make a baby?"

  Oh shit! I'm not ready to have this talk. Raising my eyebrows at Jackson, he starts laughing. Asshole. He brought it up, he gets to explain it to him.

  "I'll tell you later, Alex. Right now, let's add some things to our list. What would you like to add? Anywhere you want to go? Things you want to see or try?"

  Rattling off a few different things, Alex and Jackson grow our list quickly while I pick up breakfast and clean the kitchen. Before things get out of hand, I send Alex to get cleaned up and dressed. We have plans with Amber and the kids today.

  #3 Visit Disney World

  #4 Ride a roller coaster

  #5 Go to the aquarium in Chicago

  #6 Visit the Detroit Zoo

  "It sounds like we have another road trip on our hands," I say as I finish loading the dishwasher.

  "It sure does."

  "Do you really think he'll be okay if we have another baby?" I ask, jumping up and sitting on the counter.