Thrown to the Wolves (The Faith in Peril Trilogy)

by Holly Newcastle

  Mam, who held Abe, met Dat’s gaze, her smile deepening. I frequently caught their exchanges; the affection they felt for one another evident. I wanted so much to feel this way with Michael.

  “Sie sind schön,” he murmured.

  She smiled coyly, clearly relishing being called beautiful. But my mother was lovely, with thick blonde hair, an unlined face, and clear blue eyes. All the females in the family possessed these features, although none of us had grown as tall as our mother. I was an inch shorter and Anna two, but she awaited a growth spurt. Ruth, who was nearly twelve, was even smaller.

  We passed fields on either side of the road, but they did not belong to us. Rather they belonged to the Stoltzfus family on the right and the Esch family on the left. I craned my neck to look left; their house stood off at a distance, its roofline hidden by an enormous hickory tree. A black buggy waited out front, which brought a surge of hope through me. Michael would be at the singing tonight, and I had every expectation he would ask to court me. I had known him since I was a child. He had recently submitted to the Gmay, and he was ready to become a member of the brotherhood, which meant marriage, children, and farming. These were the things I wished for as well, and I felt confident I had chosen the perfect partner, although Michael had yet to know this.

  A long line of buggies approached the Troyer farm from either side. Most of the households in the district had returned to participate in supper and singing. We carried our pies, while others had baked heartier dishes. The ladies brought their burdens towards the house, while the men congregated in the yard. The boys—acting as hostlers—ran out to unhitch the horses, leading them to the barn for food and water.

  Anna stood with me, as we watched the buggies arrive, clattering down the drive, noting exactly which family would be joining us tonight. I hoped Michael Esch would appear soon. He was a fair-haired young man of good standing, whom I had come to admire. I valued kindness and honesty in a potential mate, and I believed he held these characteristics, as I had never seen him treat anyone ill.

  “Can I guess who you’re looking for?” asked Anna

  “Um … I suppose.” Groups of men stood by the barn, while youths wandered towards the house, where we would sit for supper.

  “Mr. Esch is pleasing enough, I suppose, but what about someone like Daniel Stoltzfus?”

  I glanced at Anna, who smiled teasingly. “Pleasing enough? You know I don’t like Daniel. Why must you bring him up?”

  “If you prefer bland. I’ve never found Michael all that interesting. I once listened to him prattling on about how long it took to till a field. He described it row by row.”

  “Oh, stop it.”

  “What on earth would you talk about?” She seemed determined to belabor this topic. “How many eggs the hens laid or whose cow knocked over what fence or who fell in a ditch and broke an arm.”

  “You’re being annoying now.”

  She nodded, indicating I look in another direction. “There comes Daniel Stoltzfus. Hasn’t he grown handsome? He’s taller than nearly everyone.”

  I was well-acquainted with every member of the Stoltzfus family, and, although I adored Daniel’s sisters, Rose, Jane, and Mary, along with his younger brothers, Adam, John, and Henry, I could scarcely contain my distain for Daniel.

  Anna knew why I disliked him, but she persisted on annoying me by pointing him out wherever we went, as if I could ignore him. He stood taller than most of the men, long and lanky, but as solid as a wood plank. A seasoned farmer, he worked the land his family owned, embracing the labor with zeal; I had seen him often enough with his horses, commandeering a plow. Daniel stood with his father and brothers; the female members of the family had disappeared into the house. And, as if sensing my notice, he turned towards me, his face partially hidden beneath a wide-brimmed, felt hat.

  “Do you think he’ll ask to court you again?”

  “I surely hope not.” I had refused him twice already. “He must be weary of asking by now.”

  “He’s staring at you.”

  I shrugged, feeling justified in my resentment, although I had forgiven him years ago … for something I could never forget. “I care not if he looks this way.”

  “I know you loathe him, but what happened, it was so long in the past. You know what they say, ‘For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’”

  “Yes, Anna, I’m well aware of that. I … forgive him. I … just can’t forget.”

  “You judge him still.” She frowned, marring her pretty features. “That’s not your job. Only He can judge.”

  “Fine and dandy, but I won’t court him. I’ve no desire to speak to him. I don’t wish to be anywhere he is.” Nonetheless, I seemed to have his full attention, his dark gaze drifting over me, while he stood with his father. Clean-shaven, he held his chin slightly higher than everyone else’s, giving proof of his pride to any who would see. “Indeed, even if he were the last Amish man on earth and I was the last Amish woman, even if our joining would continue the bloodline, I would not marry him.”

  Anna, stunned by my sharp retort, snorted, and began laughing uncontrollably, which garnered the interest of several people, who turned to look at us. I took her arm, leading her to the house. “We’ve lingered long enough. Let’s help with dinner.” As we walked away, I glanced over my shoulder, spying Daniel staring in our direction. This sent a shiver down my spine, which was not in the least bit pleasant.

  Chapter Two

  With as many people as had gathered in the Troyer house, we were surprisingly orderly, even the little ones behaving themselves, some playing with toys, while others remained close to their mothers. As we took our seats at the table in the parlor, luck failed me tonight. I found myself situated across from Daniel Stoltzfus and his family, the sisters smiling pleasantly. I groaned my displeasure inwardly, fighting the frown that threatened to appear on my face. Anna, noting my unhappiness, grinned mischievously, blinking at me beneath her eyelashes, trying to get my goat. I wanted to throttle her.

  My mother, oblivious to my suffering, chatted amiably, an ever-present smile creasing the edges of her eyes, while she spoke with Mrs. Stoltzfus. Having gone to school together, the women were old friends. Conversations abounded, whilst the lilting voices of children added to the commotion. Being hungry, my belly grumbled, anticipating the meatloaf with cabbage and onions. I eyed a large bowl of potato salad and a basket of freshly baked bread, but first there would be prayer. We knelt on the floor, placing our hands on the chairs before us.

  Bishop Graber said, “O Lord God, our merciful Father, we thank you for this day, for allowing us the opportunity to better serve Thee …”

  Anna prayed with her hands upraised and resting against her forehead, a slight smile lingering around her mouth. While trying to concentrate on the Bishop’s words, I felt eyes upon me. Looking an inch higher, I discovered proof of this, as Daniel Stoltzfus faced me, his look stark, yet indomitable. Annoyed and disturbed, I lowered my head and closed my eyes, listening to Bishop Graber, who knelt with us.

  “… guide us and teach us to act accordingly to Thy will. We strive to be obedient in all things, to be kind to others, to share our earthly belongings with those in need, and to live by Thy grace. Bless this food we are about to eat, for it is the nourishment we seek … that you have given us … Amen.”

  “Amen,” I murmured.

  Once we had resumed our seats, a bowl of mashed potatoes came my way, and I helped myself to a steaming spoonful. We ate in companionable silence; my sole focus on the meal, yet swallowing became difficult, knowing Daniel Stoltzfus sat directly across from me. His presence was like a bothersome splinter in the finger or an itchy rash from a plant in the garden. The conversation centered mostly on childrearing, farming, and gossip, as several couples had announced their desire to marry recently.

  Anna knocked against my knee with
her knee, feigning innocence. She knew how I felt about Daniel, thinking it funny to toy with me in such a manner. The males and females would be separated once the singing began. I looked forward to this, because I wanted to remove myself from Daniel’s disturbing presence. His sisters, Rose, Jane, and Mary were lovely girls, and I adored them. We had gone to school together. Jane would soon be married, and she beamed with happiness, because her intended sat at the next table.

  Dessert and coffee followed the meal, while various discussions continued; talk of fishing, hunting, and farming abounded. Mam sat with Abe on her lap, the baby drooling and babbling, which made me long to hold him. I adored my brother, finding him endlessly fascinating, each stage of his development a joy to behold. He was our miracle baby, a blessing my parents had been praying for and anticipating.

  Whenever Daniel spoke, which occurred seldom, the baritone of his voice infiltrated my brain, like a spear thrown expertly, hitting its mark. His words rambled around in my consciousness, and, although he expressed himself eloquently enough, I disliked hearing him, wishing he would be quiet. It wasn’t long before the dishes were taken up and the tables removed, while benches were brought in. Anna and I sat with Ruth and her friends, Mildred and Tessa, while Mam and Dat sat with Abe and Jacob at the back of the room with the other parents. The girls sat in one row, the boys were in the next and it alternated in this manner, while the furthest row held the rowdier boys, who partook in tomfooleries, believing we would not notice, although we did.

  The singing was the highlight of the evening, our voices soaring in harmony. The boys sang several verses and then the girls, this process alternating repeatedly. Most of the songs were in German with a few in English. I wasn’t a gifted singer like Anna, whose lovely voice was always in tune. Standing next to her gave me an advantage, as it helped me to stay on pitch. The music calmed my nerves and lifted my spirits, similar to walking through a garden in spring. The effort it took to perform at the top of my lungs had left me exhilarated and sweaty, although I did not mind the latter in the least. Every note had been worth it. These gatherings were always joyous and lively, the songs fast-paced and vibrant, a stark contrast to the hymns sung in church.

  The boys were the first to file out of the room, while the girls followed, the parents staying behind with the smaller children. A fair amount of courting happened outside, with those already spoken for leaving together in buggies, the boy driving the girl to her house. I lingered with Anna, my stalwart confidant, while Ruth spoke with a friend.

  “You did well,” she said.

  I glanced at her in disbelief. “I did not. If it weren’t for you, I’d have given everyone a headache. My singing is terrible.”

  “Nonsense. It’s lovely.”

  “Well, if it isn’t the Glick sisters,” said a voice behind us.

  I turned to find Caleb Shetler, a friend from school. “Hello, Caleb. How are you tonight?”

  He grinned beneath his black felt hat. “Well, and you?”

  “Better now,” said Anna. “It was hot inside with all the lamps.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Yes, it was.” Caleb courted Victoria Chupp. “Where’s Vicky?” I hadn’t recalled seeing her this evening.

  “She’s not feeling well.” His smile faltered. “She stayed home. I really wished she could come.”

  Anna glanced at me meaningfully, and we silently commiserated with Victoria’s condition, the malady being of a female, personal nature. She experienced difficulties when her time of the month occurred.

  “I’m sure she’ll be better soon,” said Anna kindly.

  Several buggies had already left, filled with young couples, while others were in the process of being driven out. From where I stood, beneath the tree near the house, I saw groups of people scattered across the yard. A noisy bunch of men near the barn laughed and shouted. Several girls huddled together near an assemblage of buggies, while children, who had escaped their parents, ran around.

  I sought out Michael, craning my neck to find him. He was off himself, hitching a horse to a buggy. I desperately wanted to hope that he would take me home, although we had not discussed this at all, and my house was not up to receiving visitors. Perhaps he would leave alone … but, as he settled within the conveyance, a girl appeared from the crowd, and I recognized her as Beth Beiler, someone younger than myself. My spirits plummeted, realizing he had asked to court her.

  Caleb had wandered off to speak to friends, while Anna remained by my side. “Well, that’s rather telling, isn’t it?” she said.

  I wanted to ignore her, but I couldn’t. “When did this happen?” I felt crushed with disappointment.

  “I’m just as astonished as you are.”

  “I had so hoped he would ask me.”

  A reserved, yet contemplative look graced her face. “You expected too much of him, Rebekah. As I recall, your conversations were never more than casual. He’s told you almost nothing about himself.”

  I could not hide my frustration. “That’s what courting is for! We’re supposed to talk then. It’s almost impossible to discuss anything when everyone’s listening.” There were so few opportunities for young people to meet and speak, thereby making the time after singing so important.

  Anna touched my shoulder in sympathy, as Michael’s buggy ambled from the yard. “If it’s any consolation, you’ve Daniel’s undivided attention.”

  I groaned, glancing at my feet. “I care not for that.”

  “Yet he continues to pine for you, which is puzzling.”

  “He’s free to make a fool of himself.” I shrugged, feeling downtrodden, as the buggy I wished to be in disappeared into the darkness. In my defense, I had to say, “I’ve spoken with Michael before, and it wasn’t only about the weather, although we did discuss that.”

  “He’s chosen Beth. Everyone witnessed it. She came forward to join him, and now they’re gone.”

  The finality in her tone sat like a lump in my belly. “You needn’t watch over me. Go amuse yourself. I’m … going to the house to see Mam.”

  I felt as if the evening, with all its joyous possibility had been ruined. Grasping the shawl firmly, I took to the steps, hurrying for the entrance. Daniel leaned against the open door, while laughter and talking emanated from inside. Lamplight threw out a yellowish glow behind him. I moved by him to go in, and, although I didn’t want to, our eyes met. I hid my disdain, while old, unpleasant feelings bubbled to the surface. I schooled my features, fighting the scowl that threatened to appear.

  He nodded to me, inclining his head slightly, while staring at me with an air of resigned patience. After I had refused him the second time, not giving him an answer as to why, although he had asked, he had begun to wear this look, and it was unnerving. I did not want to linger here, praying he would not say anything to me. I darted into the house, the awkward moment passing, and I breathed freely again.

  ***

  We sang all the way home, jostled steadily within the confines of the buggy. I held Abe in my arms, but the baby had fallen asleep. Jacob, who had eaten one too many slices of pie, jumped up and down, full of energy, while Mam yawned, her eyes half-closed in exhaustion. Church Sundays tired everyone, because we had been on our feet since early in the morning, and the singing and socializing had lasted until after nine.

  My brother, David, had spoken with a girl he’d had his eye on for months now, Daisy, and she had agreed to see him the Sunday after next. Having successfully acquired a potential “special friend”, he grinned from ear to ear; his glee would not be restrained. I scowled at him mockingly, amused by his behavior. His quest for a wife could begin in earnest now, since he had been baptized. He appeared to be wasting little time.

  While Ruth and Anna sang, Jacob humming along, David leaned towards me, asking, “And how was your evening? I thought I saw Michael Esch drive off with Beth Beiler, but who can be sure. It was rather dark, wasn’t it?”

  I shoved him. “Stop it.”

  Unperturbed,
he chuckled, “You mustn’t fear, little sister. Jonas Hooley is still without a wife. He’ll gladly offer to court you.”

  Jonas was one of the least attractive of our acquaintance, and especially dull to talk to. His intelligence had been called into question on more than one occasion. “No, thank you.”

  To my chagrin, David began to run through a rather long list of bachelors, most of whom I wasn’t remotely interested in. Dat grinned at us from over his shoulder, guiding the horse down the darkened road, while Mam shook her head.

  “Don’t tease Rebekah so, David,” she said. “It’s not nice. She’s going to find a husband soon. I know it.”

  “Thank you, Mam.”

  Ruth and Anna continued to sing the refrains of “In The Sweet By and By”, filling the air with the pretty melody, as they sang adeptly. Jacob tried his best to remember the words, his face alight with a giant smile. I hummed along, practicing the harmony.

  Once we arrived home, chaos ensued, the girls rushing out back for the privy, while Mam put Abe down in his crib. I held a lantern waiting for Ruth to finish her business, standing near the garden with Anna singing in my ear. My younger sister was truly an angel, her voice one of the best in the district and her face as fair as they come. Her beauty transcended the superficial, encompassing her heart and soul, through the kindness and mercy she freely bestowed upon everyone she met. These same qualities I struggled to master, and I failed more often than not, or at least I thought so.

  Bedtime was always a jumble of prayers, songs and trips to the outhouse, as someone felt the need—one last time before the lights went out. We knelt around the kitchen table, while Dat read from Christenpflicht, his voice steady and clear, reading in German. He typically read only his favorite passages, but at times there would be something new. The Lord’s Prayer followed this. Molly decided to join us, sitting next to me with her tail twitching behind her. Friendly and loving, the dog’s breath smelled foul. Not understanding we prayed, she wanted to be petted, but she would have to wait.