The Last Goodbye

by Caroline Finnerty

  What was he doing? What had got into him?

  “Ah, she is – she’s a gentle soul all right,” Dad said.

  I was pretty sure that that was a dig meant for me.

  “There are not many young people who would have the patience to take care of an old person like she does,” said Ben.

  “She’s hardly Mother fuckin’ Teresa!” I snapped from the backseat.

  “That’s enough, Kate!” Ben said sharply.

  “Well, she’s not!”

  He turned around and glared at me.

  No one said anything for the rest of the journey.

  When we got home I could tell by the way that Ben was huffing and puffing that he was pissed off with me. He didn’t wait for me to get out of the car and he walked straight into the house ahead of me. Ben rarely got annoyed with me but today it just got my back up even more. This was nothing to do with him!

  He stormed down to the bedroom and I marched down after him. Who did he think he was? How dare he just come home for one weekend and think that he knew it all!

  I walked into the room behind him and slammed the door shut.

  He swung around to face me. His eyes were on fire with anger.

  “What has got into you, Kate?”

  “How dare you – it’s none of your business!”

  “Yes, it is actually – when I’m there watching my girlfriend being so rude to the point that I’m embarrassed by her behaviour then, well, yes, I think it is my business!”

  “You don’t have a clue. You can’t just breeze in here for one weekend and think that you know it all and everyone will be all happy families again!”

  “No, but you could at least try. That was the whole point of the trip – to try to build some bridges with your family – but I think you have just burnt whatever chance was left of that!”

  “Oh, shut up, Ben, you don’t know anything! I never wanted to come home in the first place – in case you don’t remember, this was all your idea!”

  “I’ve never seen such a vicious side to you before and I’m not sure I like it very much. I was cringing the whole time, Kate – poor Aoife wouldn’t hurt a fly and you just went through her for a shortcut!”

  “That’s it! We’re going home. I’m not going to listen to this shit from the man who is supposed to be my partner and supposedto be supporting me!” I was screaming now and I knew that Dad could probably hear me up in the kitchen.

  I took my phone out of my bag and googled the number for the airline. It took ages for the browser to load – the network in Ballyrobin wasn’t the fastest. Finally the webpage loaded and I dialled the number. A woman answered in a polite sing-songy voice. I asked if they had any seats going to London – anything at all? I would even fly to Luton? She apologised that she had only one seat left. All the flights were booked up because of some bloody rugby match. I briefly thought of taking it and leaving Ben to follow me home the next day but I knew that wouldn’t go down well at all so I declined.

  “You’re your own worst enemy, you know that?” Ben said when I got off the phone.

  “Well, I’m sorry, Ben. I don’t know what you thought was going to happen this weekend but if you think that a two-day trip home is going to fix twenty years of hurt, well, then you’re even stupider than I thought.” And with that I walked out of the room.

  I could hear Ben shouting after me. “That’s it, Kate – you just keep on running – run away like you always do!”

  I kept on walking past Dad who was sitting at the kitchen table and went straight out the back door.

  Chapter 24

  I walked along by hedgerows growing rampant with hemlock after the wet clammy weather. Anger put a pace in my steps as I powered along. Drivers greeted me with the one-fingered country salute as their cars passed me.

  The weather was drizzly but I hadn’t brought a jacket with me in my hurry out of the house so I was getting wet. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going to go but all I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from Ben and my family as possible. I wish we had never come home – the whole trip had been a disaster from start to finish. I knew we never should have come back but Ben had insisted and I had caved in.

  I felt Baby Pip stretching out inside me. She could probably sense the stress and it wasn’t good for her but she could blame her daddy for that one, I thought bitterly. I passed the ghost estate we had seen on the way in – it was in an even sorrier state now when I had a chance to look at it properly. Half-finished houses were thrown up all over the site like a Lego set a child had got bored with. All the windows and doors were boarded up. Litter gathered up on the wind and blew around in swirls. The whole place looked eerie. It reminded me of some futuristic film where the inhabitants had been wiped out by a natural disaster.

  I had reached the village of Ballyrobin before I knew it. The town square was buzzing with Saturday trade and there was a queue out the door of Reilly’s butchers. I thought about going to Doyle’s for a drink and then I remembered that I was pregnant so I couldn’t even indulge in that. A glass of red wine would have been heavenly right then.

  The old stone church stood looming at the top of the town. God, I hated that place – it gave me the shivers just looking at it. I crossed over the bridge that divided the town in two and watched the wind skimming across the top of the water, making it look syrupy.

  I decided to go into a coffee shop. I pushed open the door and it was a relief to be in out of the wind and rain. My hair was damp from the drizzle and clung to my face in strands. The place was tiny but it was cosy. There was any amount of tantalising cakes and buns on display behind the counter. I ordered a coffee and a slice of carrot cake.

  “Would you like cream with that?”

  “Yeah, go on.”

  I waited while the lady heated the cake and plopped a large dollop of cream on the side. I paid and took a seat by the window and watched the world go by. The hurtful words from the fight with Ben were sloshing and swirling around inside my head. I watched as a man came in soon after. He looked very familiar. Was it Aidan? I watched the man as he ordered a coffee and a muffin. Nah, it couldn’t be, could it? He balanced a mug of tea in one hand and a plate in the other, with a newspaper tucked under his left arm. Then he turned around and made his way to a nearby table. It was definitely him – there was no mistaking those grey eyes. My heart started pounding against my ribcage. He was dressed in jeans and a green polo-neck T-shirt with a jacket over it.

  Just then he spotted me too.

  “Kate, is that you? What are you doing back here?” He walked over and put his mug and plate down on my table. He leant over and gave me a huge hug. He still smelt the same and suddenly it was like I was transported back to being a teenager again.

  “Here, sit down,” I said.

  “It’s so good to see you, what has you back in these parts?”

  “I’m just home for the weekend – visiting the family.”

  “Well, you haven’t changed a bit!”

  “Please don’t say that – I hope I’ve left the lank hair and spotty skin behind me, thank you very much,” I laughed.

  He sat down at the table.

  “So how’ve you been doing?” I asked.

  “I’m good – now.” He laughed but there was a serious edge to his voice.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You just went!”

  “You knew I was going to go.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it.”

  “I couldn’t stay in Ballyrobin any longer – you know that.”

  “Well, you could have at least kept in touch . . .”

  “I figured it would be easier for both of us if I didn’t,” I said quietly.

  He let out a heavy sigh. “So what have you been doing since then?”

  “Well, I’m working in a photography gallery – it was the first job I got when I first moved over and I’m still there now.”

  “Wow, fair play to you!”
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  “And my partner Ben and I are expecting a baby in September.”

  He glanced at my stomach, which was hidden by the table, as if to confirm. “I see. Well . . . congratulations.”

  “Thanks. How about you?”

  “Well, I married Catherine Byrne last year – do you remember her? She was the year below us in school?”

  “Tall girl, curly brown hair?”

  “Yep, that’s her. No babies yet but we’re working on it. I’m a solicitor in a practice in Galway – I commute up and down every day.”

  “You’re a solicitor?” I almost laughed. Aidan had been wild as a teenager. The pair of us had. I couldn’t imagine him in such a straight job.

  He started to laugh then too. “Don’t sound so surprised! It took me a while but I finally managed to get my life together after you left.”

  There it was again – the guilt – I knew I should never have come back here. No matter which way I turned someone else had some more in store for me.

  “It’s funny how things work out,” was all I could think of to say.

  “I called over to your house, you know – that day – and your dad had just found your letter saying you were leaving. The poor man was as stunned as I was. Why didn’t you tell him you were going?”

  “But if I had told you or Dad, you would have tried to talk me out of it.”

  “I thought what we had was special – I thought I would have been enough to make you stay.”

  I could see the hurt in his eyes.

  “Look, you were better off without me – I just brought trouble. Look at what you’ve done with your life since I left!”

  “Come on, Kate – I was devastated. I waited around for months for you to make contact, thinking that you would change your mind and come back home, but I should have known.” He paused and looked at me seriously. “You can be very stubborn when you want to be.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Kate, seriously, you are the most stubborn person that I’ve ever met.”

  “Well, then you mustn’t have met many people!” I knew it was childish.

  “Here, remember the time we sprayed graffiti on the church wall and then had to listen to Father Ball in Mass the following week pronouncing how God knew who had done it and that they would be sure to rot in hell?”

  I burst out laughing. “Stop! I was sure Granny knew that it was me.”

  “Well, maybe the ‘K loves A’ gave it away?” he laughed. “Or what about the time we smoked that spliff right before Irish Paper II and then I got sick all over the exam hall. I failed Irish because of it! I had to repeat the Leaving the following year.”

  “Well, I don’t even know what I got in mine because I never even bothered to ask Dad when my results came – but I’m sure that I wasn’t far behind you.”

  “Y’know, we were good together you and I,” he said wistfully.

  “We were young.”

  “Maybe – but we still knew what love was. Do you ever think about . . . y’know . . . what might have been?”

  “Hmmh . . .” I said. “Look, there’s no point dwelling on the past because it won’t change where we are today. I’m sorry for running off like that – I really am. I didn’t want to hurt you but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do.”

  “I just wasn’t enough for you.”

  “Please don’t say that, Aidan.”

  “Well, it’s the truth.”

  Silence filled the air, heavy between us. Suddenly I became aware of a woman at a nearby table who had her eyes fixed upon us. I felt very self-conscious under her gaze.

  “It’s so good to see you again, Kate.” Aidan reached across the table for my hand.

  “You too.” I smiled.

  We looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, the grey eyes that I used to know so well. But I had moved on – we both had. We weren’t seventeen any more. I pulled my hand back again quickly.

  “I think I should go . . .”

  I pushed my chair back so that it screeched loudly off the tiles and hurried out of the place.

  Chapter 25

  I found myself back out in the rain again and, if I had been feeling upset before going into the café, bumping into Aidan had made it twice as bad. I walked back up the street past Fidelma’s Drapery. She still lined the window with orange film to stop the sunlight fading the clothes on display. I doubted she did much business these days but as a child we bought all our clothes there. Every child in Ballyrobin was dressed in clothes from Fidelma’s and then at Christmas time as a treat we would get a new outfit from Dunnes Stores.

  I wished I had never come back to this place – everywhere I looked and everywhere I turned there was another bad memory waiting for me. Why had I let Ben talk me around?

  It was starting to get dark so I decided it was probably best to go home – I knew Dad and Ben were probably worried about me.

  I pushed back the kitchen door and went inside. Ben and Dad were sitting at the table with their backs to me.

  “Oh, thank God!” Dad said, swinging around to face me when he heard my footsteps.

  Ben stayed as he was. I could sense the tension without even having to look at him.

  “Kate, you had us worried sick – the weather is desperate out there and you pregnant and all. Are you okay, love?”

  “I’m grand, Dad.”

  “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

  “Oh sorry, I think I left it behind in the room.”

  “Well, why don’t you go and have a warm bath and get out of those damp clothes – you’ll catch your death in them. The immersion is on.”

  I went down to the bathroom as instructed, not because I wanted to but because I didn’t want to see Ben. I hated it when he was angry with me. Turning on the taps, the water thundered into the bathtub. I found a bottle of own-brand bubble bath on the shelf and I poured some in. As I lay back into the warm water I instantly felt myself start to relax. I put my ears under the surface and let them fill with water, enjoying the peace of being submerged and being able to shut out the world. The top of my bump peeked out of the water like a small island and I watched as Baby Pip kicked away. I could see her movements from the outside now. It was comforting to watch her. I washed my hair and then stayed there until the water was gone so cold that I was starting to shiver. I climbed out and towelled my shrivelled-up skin and went back down to the bedroom and put on my pyjamas. I sat on the side of the bed and dried off my hair with the hairdryer.

  Ben came in soon after. I waited for him to say something but it didn’t come. It drove me up the wall when he ignored me. He started to pack his clothes back into the case. As usual, Ben liked to be organised and pack the night before whereas I would be stuffing things in my case in the car on the way to the airport.

  “Well, I’m fine – thanks for asking.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Look, Ben, I know why you are annoyed with me but I told you that coming back here wasn’t a good idea.”

  “Listen to yourself, Kate – it’s all about you as usual. I’ve spent the last two hours chatting to your dad who was worried out of his mind about you and God knows you don’t deserve his worry.”

  Just then there was a knock on the door.

  Ben answered it. Dad stuck his head around the pine doorframe.

  “I thought you would like some dinner, love – Ben and I have already eaten but I kept a plate for you?”

  “Thanks, Dad. I’ll be along in a minute.”

  He closed the door softly again.

  “That man is a saint to put up with you!” said Ben.

  “How dare you!” I said as I walked out of the room. “You don’t know anything!”

  Dad made no reference to the afternoon’s events as I ate the dinner of mashed potatoes, pork chops and carrots.

  “So what time is the flight tomorrow?” he asked, setting down a mug of tea beside me.

  “Around eleven.”

  “Well, we’
d want to be on the road for seven so, just in case. You never know what the traffic up in Dublin will be like.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I couldn’t wait until I was sitting on that flight and getting the hell out of this place again.

  “Well, it’s been good to have you home, Kate.”

  I looked up at him, wondering if he was taking the mickey out of me but his face was serious.

  “I just bring trouble, Dad.”

  “Will you stop saying that? This is your home, we are your family and we would love to see more of you – and Ben. He’s a grand fella, Kate.”

  “Hmmh.” I wasn’t so sure, given that we were not on speaking terms.

  “He is, Kate – we had a good chat while you were gone earlier. He’s mad about you, you know.”

  “Well, he certainly isn’t acting like it,” I muttered.

  “He’ll calm down – he just wants the best for you.”

  I said nothing.

  “Seán called over earlier to see you again before you left.”

  “Oh really? That’s a pity. I would have liked to have seen him before we head off.”

  “Well, you’ll just have come home again soon – bring the baby back home to Ballyrobin to see us all.”

  “Maybe.”

  I wasn’t promising anything.

  We all sat and watched Saturday night TV but by nine I was exhausted after the day and I said that I was going to bed. Ben stayed up a bit longer with Dad and I felt him getting into the bed beside me a while later. I waited for him to put his arms around me like he always did whenever he got into bed after me but he just rolled over so we were facing away from each other.

  I stayed awake for a while thinking over everything – what a disaster the whole trip had been from the moment we had arrived – and now Ben and I weren’t even talking. The sooner we both got home and away from here the better. It couldn’t come quick enough.

  Chapter 26

  The next morning the sun had finally decided to come out – it was like an omen. We drove most of the journey to the airport in silence. I think we were all exhausted from the strain of the weekend. It was a relief to be a step closer to being home. Ben still wasn’t talking to me – he had said a polite few words over breakfast but I knew it was for Dad’s sake rather than my own. Once we got home though I knew we could sort it out. That was the problem with this place. It brought nothing but trouble for everyone.