The Last Goodbye

by Caroline Finnerty

  “Kate, you’re just starting to get nervous, it’s only natural. It’s a big step becoming a parent.”

  “I just don’t know if I’m going to be any good at the motherhood lark.”

  “You’re going to be just fine, Kate. I know you will. The fact that you’re even worrying about it shows that you will be.” Ben put his arms around me. “And you’ve got me too – we’ll get through it all together and, besides, I know the ending to The Three Little Pigs.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, the pigs get the wolf in the end.”

  “They do? Well, good for them. I like a happy ending.”

  Baby Pip entered the world exactly eight days late and I instantly forgave her for her late arrival. When the midwives in the hospital told me it was a girl, I said, “I know.” Ben and I were overawed by how perfect she was. He was a natural with her and helped the midwives give her her first bath and I knew they had already formed a bond. It was surreal to see him cradling her on his chest while I sat back on the bed taking the scene in.

  “Happy birthday, baby girl,” he whispered to her. “You have a perfect blank canvas on which to paint.” And I thought that I might just burst with love looking at the two of them.

  Chapter 56

  I rang home to tell Dad that she had arrived. When I told him that we would like to call her Eva, he had cried down the phone. He put Gran on the phone and her speech, although still not as clear as it once was, had improved a lot. He passed me to Aoife then and we had an emotional phone call too. It was nice to have my family back in my life again, especially to share something like this.

  Ben’s mum had driven up to see us the day after I came home from hospital. She was so excited and I watched her as she held her first grandchild with tears in her eyes. Geoff didn’t come. No one mentioned it though. It wasn’t a big surprise but I knew that Ben was disappointed, as was Edwina. I think they both thought that the arrival of Eva, as the start of the next generation of the Chamberlain family, would have been the catalyst to thaw the frost between them.

  Although we were managing surprisingly well, Edwina was going to stay for a few days to give us a hand. I was glad to have her there in case I had questions to ask – questions that you might normally ask your own mother.

  Ben’s sister Laura took the train down from Manchester a few days later.

  “Congratulations, you guys!” She hugged us and then Edwina. “So where is my new niece?” she asked giddily.

  I brought her over to the Moses basket where Eva was sound asleep. That was one thing – she slept a lot. I knew it was a good complaint to have but sometimes I would hover beside her crib just to make sure that she was still breathing. She was lying back with her hands clenched in little fists at either side of her head.

  “Oh my God – she is just so beautiful!” There were tears in her eyes. “You guys are so lucky.”

  “Thanks, Laura.”

  “So when does she wake up so I can get a hold?”

  “I’ll be due to feed her soon.”

  “Are you breastfeeding, Kate?”

  “Yep, it’s like Cravendale Dairies here.”

  We sat down on the sofa and Ben made the coffee for everyone.

  Eva started to stir then and Laura rushed over to her.

  “Can I pick her up?” she asked me excitedly.

  “Of course you can.”

  “Come here, little one.” She delicately lifted Eva out from her basket and sat back onto the sofa with her in her arms. “Oh, she is just divine! I’m Auntie Laura. Yes, I am. And I’m going to spoil you rotten and let you do all the things that your mummy and daddy won’t let you do, isn’t that right, little lady?”

  “Don’t worry, we’ll get our own back when you have kids of your own,” I said.

  “I want one of these!” She was stroking Eva’s silky hair.

  “Well, you’ll have to get Tim Templeton on the case then.”

  Laura looked thoughtful at this. “By the way, why isn’t Dad here?”

  No one answered her.

  “Would anyone like another coffee?” Ben asked.

  “Go on, I’ll have another cup,” Laura said. “That muck they serve on the train really shouldn’t be allowed to be called coffee under the fair trade descriptions act. I must complain – I think I’d have a pretty strong case.”

  Ben got up, walked over to the kitchen and flicked the switch on the kettle. He took down four clean mugs and opened the fridge to take out the milk again.

  “Damn! We’re almost out of milk!” he called from the kitchen. “I’ll just run down to the shop.”

  We were lucky there was a corner shop just up the street from us. It sold one of everything, whatever you needed – you were guaranteed to find it in the shop and if they didn’t have it on the shelf, they definitely would have it in the stock room out the back.

  “So Dad is still being pig-headed I take it then?” Laura asked me as soon as Ben was gone out the door. “I thought Ben was going to have a fit when I asked where he was. When is he going to stop giving him a hard time about being a teacher?”

  “I ask myself the same question every day,” Edwina sighed resignedly.

  “I think Ben’s a little disappointed that under the circumstances he couldn’t just let it go and come and meet his granddaughter,” I said.

  “Well, Geoff Chamberlain is a very thick man,” Edwina said. “He will not just swallow his pride and apologise to Ben.”

  “I can’t believe what a cantankerous old fool he is being! Well, it’s his loss – if he wants to miss out on this gorgeous little pudding then so be it.” Laura was cradling Eva up against her shoulder.

  Motherhood was insane – I actually missed her already. I was jealous of Laura holding her in her arms and I wanted her back in mine again.

  “But I know it kills him that he still hasn’t seen his first grandchild,” Edwina said.

  “Do you think?” I asked.

  “He’s not completely made of stone, you know. I know he wants to meet Eva – I can see that he is thrilled to be a grandfather – he just doesn’t show it in the conventional way.”

  “He is such a dinosaur,” Laura said angrily. “Well, his stubbornness is going to be the ruination of him – he’s going to miss out on all of this if he doesn’t learn to move on and let bygones be bygones.”

  “I’ve tried talking to him but he just won’t listen to me. I’m wasting my breath at this stage.”

  Ben returned a few minutes later with a litre of milk and we all quickly changed the subject again.

  Chapter 57

  After Edwina and Laura had gone home we were left on our own as a family. We were settling well into parenthood but no one could have prepared us for how we would feel about her. She literally was the best thing to ever happen to either of us. Everyone tells you before you have a baby how amazing and special it is but I don’t think you can really understand it until your bundle arrives and then . . . well, it is the best bloody feeling in the world. I could spend hours just staring at her and snuggling her neck, the feeling of the silkiness of her skin under my fingertips. I could plant a thousand kisses on her head every day for the rest of her life and it still wouldn’t be enough – I would always want to give her another one.

  I would often ask Ben what was it we did before Eva arrived. We must have spent so much time just doing nothing and not appreciating the free time when we had it because now there was always something to be done. I would get up to put on a load of washing and then get distracted by ten other jobs that needed to be done along the way. As soon as we brought her home from hospital it became obvious that our flat was way too small. It was already cramped before when it was just the two of us and now there wasn’t the space for all of us, let alone the amount of stuff that came with Eva. Plus the washing was a nightmare. I had a clotheshorse stuffed into our bedroom and every radiator in the place was taken over with tiny babygros and vests. We needed somewhere with a small garden where
we could hang out laundry and where Eva could play when she got a bit bigger. We had started house hunting but, although the property market had supposedly taken a nosedive, prices were still far beyond our reach. At this rate, we would have to move out to the countryside but, as we both worked in central London, we didn’t fancy long commutes. Especially with Eva – we didn’t want to have to leave her for long days in childcare. Plus, as Ben had pointed out, what we might save on the cost of the house, we would be spending on train fares in the long run. So we kept on living as frugally as we could and saving every penny we could manage to put away.

  Nat was great with Eva. She would take her off out for a walk and let me go back to bed for an hour or she would call over and cook dinner for Ben and me. She had given me a framed picture she had taken of me staring down at Eva as she slept in my arms. I hadn’t even seen her taking it but she had somehow managed to capture exactly my feelings for this wondrous little person. I knew it would always be one of my most treasured possessions. She was doing well and was slowly coming round to the Nat that I knew. Things were going well between her and Richard – they were taking it very slowly and getting to know each other properly. The romantic in me loved the fact that her photo had brought them together and that his sister, although no longer still with us, had led them to one another. They came into each other’s lives when they were both at a low ebb and needed someone. For me it was another sign that our loved ones who had gone before us were definitely somewhere out there watching over us.

  We were just clearing up after dinner one evening when Ben’s phone rang. He answered it and I knew by his tone that he was uncomfortable talking to whoever it was. He was giving yes and no answers before he got up from the sofa and went out of the room and finished the rest of the conversation out in the hall.

  “Who was that?” I said when he came back in.

  “Dad.”

  “What did he want?” I lowered the volume on the TV with the remote.

  “He says that he’s in the area and he wants to stop by and see Eva.”

  “Well, I hope you told him where to go?”

  “Eh no, not quite . . .”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s on his way over here now.”

  “Dear God, no.” I wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation or his snide and cutting remarks.

  I’m sure he’d have plenty to say about our flat and the area that we lived in. He had never come to visit us before. I hopped up and started tidying up, picking my breast pump off the side of the sofa and stuffing it into a press in the kitchen, gathering up muslins belonging to Eva, folding newspapers and fluffing cushions. I hated the way Ben’s father had this effect on me.

  The buzzer went a few minutes later. Ben went out to let him in.

  A few moments later he followed Ben into the living room. He was dressed in a long navy woollen overcoat and had a yellow-and-grey striped scarf wound around his neck several times. He was wearing a suit underneath so he was obviously in London on business. He was carrying a bunch of lilies.

  “Kate,” he said, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Geoff.”

  He handed me the flowers. I took them from him. I noticed that the petals were starting to brown at the tips. He’d obviously picked them up hurriedly.

  “Thanks.”

  “My car – it will be all right out there, won’t it?”

  “Well, we’ve never had any trouble in the four years we’ve been living here,” I said tersely.

  “Yes . . . I suppose it will be okay.”

  But I knew he was still nervous about it.

  “Would you like to see Eva?”

  “Please.” He was being very polite now that he was on our patch.

  Ben led him over to the Moses basket. He peered in over the top and put a hand in to touch her little hand.

  “I’d forgotten how small they are. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a newborn.”

  “Well, we think she’s got really big in the last two weeks,” I said, emphasising the ‘two weeks’.

  “She is very beautiful – just like her mother.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, embarrassed by the unexpected compliment.

  “I’m sure everyone is telling you to enjoy her – it goes by all too quickly,” he said wistfully.

  I looked at Ben – he seemed to be as shocked as I was by the uncharacteristic emotion in his father’s voice.

  Ben excused himself to make the coffee.

  “So were you working down this way today then?” I asked, making conversation.

  “Yes, I was in the Supreme Court all day – the Blanchford extradition case – you’ve probably seen it on the news?”

  I hadn’t. I barely had time to go to the loo these days let alone keep abreast of London’s legal scene. We lapsed into awkward silence then until Ben came back. I was relieved. I had nothing to say to the man and I was still so angry after the last time.

  “How’s school, Ben?”

  “Great.”

  “That’s good.”

  I was waiting for the belittling remark but it didn’t come.

  “And I presume you’ll be off for a few months, Kate?”

  “Yes, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to leave her though to go back.” I looked towards the wicker basket.

  If he thought of making a comment about being able to afford to stay at home if Ben had pursued a career in law, he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut even though it probably killed him. I could imagine the words all piling up and crashing against his clenched teeth as they came up his throat.

  We chitchatted awkwardly for a while longer before Geoff said that he had better start making tracks back to Surrey before Edwina sent a search party out for him. I stood up straight away as soon as he went to leave. I was eager to have him gone and have the atmosphere returned back to normal again. I wasn’t into Feng Shui or any of that kind of hocus-pocus stuff but I was pretty sure that if there was such a thing, then Geoff’s visit had knocked it completely off balance. We kissed goodbye and Ben saw him out into the hall.

  Eva was just starting to stir, her tiny mouth making little sucking motions, so I took her up to feed her. I could hear Ben and Geoff talking in the hallway.

  “Look, before I go . . .” Geoff cleared his throat nosily in a way that made me want to get sick, “I think I owe you an apology – my behaviour on your last trip home was out of order. Your mother is still very angry with me . . . and rightly so.”

  “It’s okay,” I could hear Ben mumbling.

  “I can see you’re clearly very happy and why wouldn’t you be? Don’t you have a beautiful girlfriend and a darling baby daughter? To be honest, Ben, I’ve probably always been a bit jealous of your courage to go and follow your dreams.”

  “But why would you be jealous of me?”

  “Well, believe it or not, I always wanted to play rugby – I was good at it too. Who knows, maybe if I had committed to it, I could have gone all the way . . . but it didn’t go down too well arriving into a courtroom with a black eye or bandaged hand so my father said that I had to give it up altogether. I was upset at the time but he had my best interests at heart, I suppose . . .”

  “I never knew that.”

  “That’s life, son.”

  “Well, thank you, Dad . . . it really means a lot to hear you say that.”

  “Well, I’m sorry it has taken me this long to say it. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Ben – if anything good is to come out of this, learn from my mistakes. Be there to enjoy your children when they are small – it goes by in the blink of an eye. I was always working when you and Laura were little and I wish I had kicked back a little more – the world wouldn’t have ended if I had taken a half-day to watch you in the school play or gone to your school sports day. Let little Eva do whatever makes her happy.” Then he laughed. “And, of course, if she wants to follow in the family tradition of law then I will welcome her with open arms!”

 
; Ben chuckled. “Well, we’ll just have to wait and see . . .”

  There was a small pause. “Look, I don’t want to speak out of turn and please tell me if I am, but well . . . I can’t help but notice how tight for space you are here.”

  “We manage,” Ben said tersely.

  I felt myself tense up again. I really hoped Geoff wasn’t just about to undo his apology with another below-the-belt dig at Ben.

  “Of course you do. You mother said that you and Kate are saving to buy your own place. I promise I’m not trying to stick my nose into your affairs but as you know I have a rather large property portfolio around the city and most of it is mortgage-free at this stage. I can talk to my agent and see if any of the leases are due to expire soon. You wouldn’t have to pay any rent and it would help you save faster to buy your own place. If you like . . . I mean there’s no pressure . . . I know I can never undo the past but it would be my way of attempting to make a proper go of it this time for little Eva’s sake.”

  I was stunned.

  “Well, thanks, Dad, I’ll talk to Kate.”

  They said goodbye then and I heard Ben shut the front door.

  “Wow!” I said when he came back in. “Did I just hear what I think I heard?”

  “The man apologised, he actually apologised. I’m glad you heard it too or no one would ever believe me. Did you hear him offer us one of his houses too?”

  I nodded.

  “What do you think?”

  “Well, if he’s offering then why not? It makes sense. I mean, we’re cramped here and it would mean we’re not wasting any more money on rent.”

  “Okay, well, I’ll talk to him and see what he has.”

  “Do you reckon Laura had a word with him?”

  “Maybe. But I think becoming a grandfather has made him see what really matters.”

  “Well, I’m glad, Ben, I’m really glad for both you and for Eva.”

  Ben lifted Eva out of my arms. “Do you hear that, little one? You’re only two weeks old and you have already managed to thaw your old grandfather’s heart! You see, you already have the men in your life wrapped around your little finger!”