“It isn’t a problem,” Paige answered, but her heart just wasn’t in it. It would be obvious to everyone that Tucker was gone, which would probably be the topic of discussion. Could she handle it?
Garrett stepped closer, gently taking her arm and turning her to face him. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course it is.” She attempted to slip away, but he held on to her, watching her closely. “All right, it isn’t,” she admitted, but she couldn’t be completely honest with him. “It has nothing to do with me, but it affects all of the O’Briens. I think that’s why Jules asked if we could come early.”
Apparently he still wasn’t willing to release her. “Do you want to let me in on what’s going on? I hate to be the only one there in the dark.”
She didn’t see any reason not to tell him. “Tucker has left the ranch.”
“Is he coming back?”
Shaking her head, she hoped she could keep her voice level. “No, it doesn’t appear he is.”
Garrett’s nod was slow and then there was understanding in his eyes. “Then we’ll do whatever you think is best. If you want to stay home—”
“No,” she said, almost too quickly. “We’ll go.”
Garrett didn’t ask questions later as he drove them out to the Rocking O, but Paige knew he had them. They’d been in high school when the big blowup about getting into the other’s business happened. It was then that they’d made a pact that if they suspected something was wrong with the other, there’d be no questions or discussion until they both agreed. It still worked well for them. For the time being, Paige wasn’t agreeable to talking about what had happened with Tucker. For one thing, she didn’t completely understand it, and for another, she was embarrassed that she’d let herself get carried away and endangered her career.
Jules answered the door when they rang the bell. “I’m glad you could both make it,” she greeted them both. “Garrett, Tanner is out on the patio. I think a couple of the boys from the Bent Tree are with him, and Wyoming, too, so go on out. Nikki and Mac will be there soon.” As soon as Garrett was out of earshot, Jules turned to Paige. “Thanks for coming early. I guess you know Tucker has gone?”
Paige nodded.
“I didn’t want to talk about this in front of everyone and calling off the evening wouldn’t change anything,” Jules said with a sigh. “Tanner is more upset than I ever remember seeing him. He thought they’d worked out all their problems yesterday.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Paige knew it was weak, but it’s all she had. She felt as blindsided as Jules obviously did.
“Let’s talk in Tanner’s office,” Jules said, keeping her voice low, and she led Paige around the corner and down a short hallway.
“Wow,” Paige said, when they stepped into the room. “This is definitely a man’s room.”
Jules laughed as she indicated a sofa along one wall. “Not a thing has been changed in it except to add a computer since it was Tanner’s father’s.” When they were both seated on the sofa, she turned to Paige. “Have you talked to Tucker in the past two days?”
“He came by this afternoon.”
“Do you know where he’s going?”
Paige could only shake her head. She knew so little. She understood even less.
Jules reached out and squeezed her hand. “I thought things were better and he was going to stay.”
“What about Shawn?”
Sighing, Jules leaned her head back against the sofa. “Apparently Shawn was the first to know his dad was leaving. He asked Tucker if he was going to be back for graduation, but Tucker said he wouldn’t be. Something about Tanner being the one who raised him. I don’t know.” She turned her head to look at Paige. “He’s all right physically, isn’t he?”
“He’s fine,” Paige assured her, feeling a little better within her own area of knowledge. “But it’s not his body, it’s his mind. His heart. He doesn’t seem to be able to forgive himself for the choices he made.”
“And so he makes even more bad ones,” Jules said, shaking her head. “I tried to get him to go for some counseling, but he said he didn’t need it.” She looked directly at Paige before continuing. “I was hoping you might have some sway with him about that sort of thing. While you were working with him on his therapy, that is.”
Paige knew exactly what Jules wasn’t saying, and she decided maybe they should get some things out in the open, so nothing was misunderstood. “I helped him with his therapy,” she admitted, “but he did the work on his own. All I did was give him instructions and monitor his progress, nothing more.”
“He seemed to be hiding it from everyone.”
“I don’t think he wanted anyone making a big deal of it,” Paige explained. “And, too, I think that in the beginning he was afraid he would fail, so he kept it secret.”
“He does care about his family,” Jules said, her voice almost a whisper. “More than himself, I think.”
“No one can say he has a big ego,” Paige agreed. “He’d rather walk away than hurt people, but he doesn’t realize how walking away hurts everyone. Even him.”
With a sigh, Jules got to her feet. “You and I have been in similar situations. I have everything needed to help him emotionally, yet I’m his sister-in-law and too close to work with him, while you couldn’t treat him because your heart was involved.”
Paige jumped up. “Jules—”
“It’s all right, Paige,” Jules said, pressing a hand to her shoulder. “I completely understand. When I first met Tanner, he believed that the people he loved always left him. He even feared Shawn was going to leave. I had the ability and the training to help, but I couldn’t help Tanner for the same reason you couldn’t, and it took some time for him to realize how wrong he was.”
“At least he did,” Paige said, as they left the room. “I’m not sure the same will be said for Tucker.”
“Don’t give up yet. He won’t be gone forever. I’m sure of it.”
Paige didn’t feel at all cheered. “I’m not counting on anything, when it comes to Tucker.”
Before Jules could answer, the doorbell rang. Jules went to the door, while Paige made her way slowly to the patio at the back of the house, thinking of the things Jules had said. Maybe Tucker would come back, but she wasn’t going to count on it. There was no reason to set herself up for disappointment.
She stepped out on the patio to find Tanner there alone. “I guess it’s been quite a day for everyone,” she said, moving to take a seat on one of the many chairs.
Tanner ran his hand down his face and shook his head. “I don’t understand any of it.” He looked at Paige and asked, “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m fine,” she lied. “And I expect things will get better for all as time goes on.”
“I hope so,” Tanner replied, as Dusty and Kate, followed by Trish and Morgan, joined them on the patio.
“Where are your little ones?” Paige asked Kate, hoping to take her mind off Tucker.
“Hettie and Aggie wanted to take them for the night,” Kate answered. “I just hope they survive.”
“I’m sure the babies will do fine,” Jules said, joining them.
Kate looked at Trish and grinned. “No, I mean I hope Hettie and Aggie survive.”
While everyone laughed, Paige chose to put the events of the day behind her and enjoy herself. Tucker was gone, and it was time to get on with her life with the help of her closest friends, the people now sitting on the patio with her.
“Hey,” Dusty said, when Mac and Nikki appeared from around the side of the house, “where’s Tucker tonight?”
Tanner looked at Jules, who looked at Paige, who shrugged her shoulders. There wouldn’t be any way to keep the news from everyone, so she’d just have to get used to it.
“He left,” Tanner answered, glancing at Paige.
Feeling all eyes on her, she simply smiled.
“He’ll be back for Shawn’s graduation, won’t he?” Trish asked.
>
“Not likely,” Tanner admitted, and then began to explain.
“WHERE NEXT? Any idea?”
Tucker looked across the table at Rick and shrugged. This was the second night since he’d left the ranch and he hadn’t been able to move on, so he’d returned to Rick’s restaurant. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“I have an extra room, if you need a place to stay,” Rick replied. “Until you have some kind of plan.”
“Do I need one?” Tucker asked, half serious, half joking.
“It doesn’t hurt. I did enough of my own wandering. I even went home and stayed with the family for a while, just like you. But it wasn’t until I got serious about my future and took some business classes that things started to come together for me.”
“So you didn’t just walk in and buy this place.”
Rick leaned back in his chair and laughed. “Not even close.”
“The business classes helped?”
Grunting, Rick leaned forward again. “Not nearly as much as the shrink did.”
Tucker had tried counseling in the VA and it hadn’t done any good. And then Jules had suggested it a few times, but he wasn’t interested. He didn’t think he needed anyone delving into the dark recesses of his mind. He could do that on his own.
“What about your family?” he asked. “Are you in touch with them?”
Rick grinned. “Constantly. At least one of them calls me every day. But keep in mind that I have five younger brothers and sisters, parents and stepparents and a set of grandparents. Before I went into the service, we were all pretty close. It was only after…”
Tucker knew. He’d heard about what had happened to Rick in Baghdad and knew that it was a miracle the man was sitting across the table from him.
“My stepdad was in Vietnam,” Rick continued. “He helped me more than anybody did and encouraged me to see a professional. But it wasn’t like it was overnight or anything. You gotta stick with it. And the people around you need to understand. My fiancée left me. She couldn’t take it. But I didn’t give up. Which reminds me, is there anything going on between you and the lady you brought in here the other night?”
Tucker shook his head, the lump in his throat making it impossible to answer.
“Too bad,” Rick said, with a sigh. “She seemed like a real nice lady.”
“She’s a doctor,” Tucker managed to say.
“Yeah?”
Tucker nodded.
After a long whistle, Rick laughed. “They sure don’t make ’em like they used to.”
Tucker laughed, too, and felt a little better for talking to Rick. Pushing away from the table, he took out his wallet and opened it to pull out some bills. “I’d better call it a night.”
Rick reached across the table and stopped him. “This one’s on me, buddy. And if you need anything, even if it’s only a place to sleep or a friend to talk to, let me know. I’m only a phone call away. I gave you my number the other night, right?”
“Yeah, I have it,” Tucker replied, and returned his wallet. “Thanks.”
As they both stood, Rick laid a hand on Tucker’s shoulder. “That’s what friends are for.”
“I’ll keep in touch,” Tucker said, knowing he probably wouldn’t.
As he walked toward the door, Rick called out to him. “Next time that doctor shows up, bring her by again.”
Tucker nodded and smiled, but he didn’t feel even close to happy. Instead of driving directly back to the hotel room he’d gotten the day before, after he’d left Desperation, he drove around Edmond for an hour or so, not caring where he went or what he saw.
Finally returning to his hotel room, he turned on the television, lay back on the bed and hoped he’d soon find respite in sleep. He didn’t.
He was on edge. Nervous. Feeling unbalanced. And he didn’t know why.
Or did he?
Hearing the muted sound of thunder outside, he blamed his internal strain on what he guessed was an approaching spring storm. He tried to ignore the tension, just as he’d done at the ranch. When it hadn’t worked, he’d taken it as a sign that he needed to leave, hopefully to find a little peace somewhere down the road.
And now he was here, in a hotel room a second night, by himself and with no plans of where he would go next. Drifting, he’d found when he left home to rodeo, wasn’t something he dealt with well. The Marine Corps gave him the direction he needed in his life. But now he had nothing and nowhere to go. And if he was completely honest with himself, no one to care about. That was his choice, he knew. Had this one been a bad choice, too?
His mind battled with the ache in his heart. He’d been trying to deny that ache for two days, but it wouldn’t go away. He kept telling himself that leaving was the right thing to do, not only for him, but also for his family and, yes, especially for Paige. Leaving might not have been the best choice when he was fifteen, but he was older now and understood more.
Didn’t he?
Once again he heard the thunder, and he moved from the bed to stare out the window. Within minutes, huge drops of rain hit the glass and slid down in a trail of moisture, until the window was a distorted blur.
Was this what he wanted? A life of being alone? What would he do? He wasn’t fit for the marines now, not unless he wanted a desk job. He didn’t. At least he knew that. But what?
There were no answers, not here in this room, for sure. Grabbing a jacket from his duffel, he picked up his room card and left.
The elevator took him down to the lobby, and he felt the urge for some coffee. But the coffee shop was closed, so he went to the lobby desk.
“May I help you, sir?” the young man asked.
“Is there anything open nearby where I can get a cup of coffee at this hour?”
“Yes, sir, there’s an all-night diner just up the street.”
“Which way?”
The young man pointed, and Tucker thanked him. But at the door, he turned back. “How far is? Within walking distance?”
“Two blocks. But, you might want to drive, considering how hard it’s raining.”
Tucker smiled and shook his head. “I’ll be fine, but thanks.”
When he stepped out of the hotel and turned in the direction of where the desk clerk had pointed, he decided the rain was coming down even harder than he’d expected it to be. Puddles had formed on the sidewalk, and he splashed through them on his way. For a moment, he was reminded of a time when he was small, and his mother had taken him and Tanner shopping for summer clothes. He must have been close to four, because it wasn’t long before Sally had left. He remembered it had rained, but she hadn’t scolded them for getting wet in the puddles. In fact, she’d splashed and laughed along with them.
Sally was expected to be at Shawn’s graduation on Tuesday, and Tucker wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Tanner had told him he’d felt the same, at first, but had decided it was time to meet her and put the past behind them. Maybe it was, but now that he’d left, Tucker wouldn’t be doing that.
He did the best he could to ignore the thoughts and questions that beat at his mind, as he continued on his way to the diner. From a distance, he could see the bright sign, proclaiming the coffee was hot and the pie was delicious, and he quickened his step.
Finally inside and out of the rain, he found an empty booth in the back and started for it, but was brought up short when he saw a woman with dark, curly hair sliding out of one of the booths. When she turned his way, he could see it wasn’t Paige, and he realized he’d been holding his breath. Shaking his head at his foolishness, he continued on and finally slid into a booth in the back.
He ordered black coffee and a slice of apple pie from the waitress, then sat back to watch the customers. It was a trick he’d used when he was young and on the road and feeling at loose ends, when his mind warred between doing what he wanted and doing what he should. That war was still going on.
Moving on was the right thing to do, he was sure. His family didn’t need him. His son was g
rown and moving on with his own life. Tucker felt bad about all the pain he’d cause them, over the years. Coming back had only reopened the wounds.
As for Paige, he’d known that he wasn’t a man who had the staying power needed to keep a relationship going. Either he ended it or the woman did, and they both went their separate ways. It was better that he move on now, before there were hard feelings between them. Love wasn’t something he did well.
And if he just kept telling himself that, everything would be okay.
By the time he made it back to the hotel, the storm had passed on and the sky was beginning to lighten in the east. He tried to sleep, knowing he had a long drive ahead—a drive to nowhere in particular—but he tossed and turned, instead.
The sun was shining brightly when he stuffed his duffel in the back of his vehicle and climbed in behind the wheel, ready to put some miles between him and the recent past. His intention was to head north, toward Kansas, but as he neared the entrance to the interstate highway, he couldn’t move his foot from the brake to the accelerator. A car behind him honked, and he stuck his arm out the window to wave the driver around.
It wasn’t right. Deep down, he’d known all along that leaving was the wrong thing to do, but he was determined to do it. Only he couldn’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.
But if he was going to go home to stay, there were things that needed to be done. After they were and before he saw his family, he was going to tell Paige everything.
Chapter Twelve
Mondays were the worst, Paige decided, as she started her drive home from the clinic at the end of the day. In addition to patient spillovers from the week before, everyone who had put off coming in, hoping they’d feel better, along with those who’d become ill over the weekend were begging for appointments. It was her job to do her best to see them all. Rarely did a Monday go by that she didn’t leave the clinic exhausted.
Maybe, she thought, it was time to start looking for a partner—either another doctor or a physician’s assistant or nurse practitioner—to help share the ever-growing load of patient care. If she didn’t do something soon, she’d be too overworked to help her patients or she could experience burnout. The thought of either happening saddened her as she turned the corner of her street. Her sigh became a gasp when she saw a dark SUV in her driveway.
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