In Darkness Lost

by Ariel Paiement

  She gave me a suspicious frown. “Crypt, you can’t promise something like that. Besides, I’m not the only one they’ll kill. You’re a threat too, and a much larger one than I. They’ll target you first.”

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t say what I was thinking. They won’t have to kill me because they already have me under their thumb. I can do nothing that they do not want me to do because if I do, they’ll kill my sister.

  She leaned against me, shivering in the wind. I wrapped my arm around her waist, wishing I could enjoy the time we had left. But I couldn’t. I knew very well what would occur when she found out what I had done.

  ***

  I was sitting up gazing out my window when the news came. It was about twelve of the clock and stars twinkled outside my window in the clear winter sky.

  Dairdra burst in, wrapping her arms around me. I hugged her back, feeling her hot tears soaking into my shirt. “They broke our line, didn’t they?” My voice was a ragged whisper.

  She nodded, weeping. “I knew they would. And they’ll be here in just a week.” She took a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself enough to speak. “We only have another half a million men to field when they come. Cyril has over three million. Crypt, I’m scared…” She buried her face against my chest.

  I tightened my embrace around her. “I know. Me too.” And it was true.

  For the first time, I was worried that Cyril’s king might not keep his promise to let Dairdra live. I was afraid that maybe, after all my suffering and treachery, he might kill her anyway. But I pushed the nagging thoughts away. He’d promised, and I would get Dairdra out before it was too late.

  We stood there, comforting each other in silence.

  I was weeping too, I realized. I had caused so much pain and grief to the person I cared the most about, not to mention the countless lives I’d spent just to keep my sister and Dairdra alive.

  What right had I to decide that it was okay to sacrifice those soldiers just to save the two women I loved most in the world? Had they agreed to it? Had they even had any say in the matter? Of course not. I was a murderer.

  The realization of this almost caused me to collapse. Dairdra felt the change. She looked up into my eyes, tears streaming down her face. “Crypt, I don’t know what your secret is, but it isn’t going to do anyone any harm now. We’re both going to die anyway. Please…” She brushed a strand of my dark hair out of my face. “Tell me. Don’t die without getting such a burden off your chest.”

  I looked down into her face. “What makes you assume it’s a burden?” I still couldn’t tell her. When it was all over, I would tell her. I didn’t care if it meant my death for treason or her eternal hatred. I wouldn’t keep such a thing from her.

  She wiped a few of my tears away with her thumb. “I think that because every time I speak to you, there’s a deep pain in your eyes. And you have already admitted that there is a secret. A burden that you bear that you will share with no one. Now it doesn’t matter. It will hurt no one now.”

  I shook my head, the tears still streaming down my face. “I can’t.” I whispered.

  Her eyes were wide, and she whispered back. “What is so horrible that you would take it to your grave without telling even those who love you most?”

  I laughed, the sound bitter. “That’s exactly it. It is so horrible that I wouldn’t burden you with it if we’re both going to die. I don’t want you to die knowing what I know.”

  She smiled, but it was filled with sorrow. “And if I’m going to die, I want to know so that we can both die at peace.”

  “I’m sorry, Dairdra. I can’t tell you.”

  “You said it was because it could hurt someone. Well, it can’t now!” Her voice was rising, and she was sobbing again.

  I shook my head again. “You’re wrong. It can hurt someone still. It can hurt you.” I turned away from her, letting her go.

  She was silent for a while, her weeping the only sound in the room. She sank down in the one chair in the room.

  I remained standing beside the window, unwilling to turn. If I saw the heated tears of grief rolling down her cheeks, I would break. And right now, I couldn’t afford to do that.

  When her weeping stopped, I turned to her. She looked at me for a moment, and then she spoke, her voice barely a whisper. “I never wanted to be the cause of your grief.”

  I shook my head, a sad smile hovering on my lips. “You aren’t the cause of it.”

  “Yes, I am. You keep your secret inside you because it would hurt me. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t need to keep the secret, and you wouldn’t be in so much pain.” She whispered, a lone tear glittering on her cheek in the brilliant beam of moonlight lancing across the room.

  I didn’t respond. She was half-right. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t need to keep the secret, yes. But what she couldn’t know was that if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have the secret.

  I sat down on my bed, watching her. “It’s alright. You can’t help who you are any more than I can change who I am.”

  She nodded. “Still, I’m sorry.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be. You can’t change it even if you want to.”

  She didn’t answer, but instead came to sit beside me on the bed. She took my hands in hers, leaning her head on my shoulder. Neither of us spoke for a long time.

  Then she stirred, whispering into the silence. “I suppose we won’t marry and have a happily-ever-after now.”

  “I guess not.” I whispered back, my heart constricting.

  But I didn’t weep again. I didn’t feel much of anything at that moment. The pain was so great that I shut it out, afraid to allow myself to experience it.

  Dairdra wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me. “When we die, I want you to know, I loved you very greatly, Crypt. And I always will.”

  I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I know… And whatever happens, you know I love you too, right?”

  She smiled at me. “Of course I do, Crypt… But you almost sound as if you believe that I’ll survive and you won’t.”

  “I have no illusions about our respective chances of survival.” I whispered, kissing her. “And to my last breath, I’ll do whatever I can to keep you alive. Even if it means my own death. I promise you that…”

  She stopped my words with a finger against my lips. “I don’t want to live if you die. It wouldn’t be living if you did. It would be like living that moment of death repeatedly. I’ll kill myself before I let that happen.”

  I shook my head, kissing her harder this time. “Don’t you dare! I’m not going to die saving you only to have you kill yourself because I’m dead. You promise me, right now, that if I die, you’ll keep going. You’ll move on, and you won’t let go of life?” I whispered.

  She bit her lip, uncertain. “You’re the only person left who matters to me in life, Crypt. I don’t know if I could…”

  “Promise me!” I pressed.

  She wouldn’t die. I would keep her alive no matter the cost. But it wouldn’t mean anything if she killed herself because she thought she couldn’t live without me. Besides, she wouldn’t feel that way when she knew what a traitor I was.

  “I promise.” She finally whispered.

  I smiled. “Thank you.” I put my hands on either side of her face, kissing her again with tenderness.

  I wanted the kiss to last forever. We only had another week or so tops before Cyril would win, and I wanted to spend as much of that time showing her my love as I could. She didn’t move away, and I deepened the kiss, wishing that I could freeze the moment and live it forever. If I could, she would love me for the rest of time, and I would never lose her. But it wasn’t possible.

  I let her go after a few moments. I felt chilled when she moved away. As though, already, though I hadn’t yet lost her, she was already gone. I wanted to call her back into my arms and never let go. But I didn’t. Not everything I wanted was possible or even good for me.

  She stood
up, taking in a deep breath. “I have to go now. I shouldn’t be here at night. It creates bad images and rumors.”

  I laughed, the sound soft on the silence in the room. “Who cares? Dairdra, you already believe you’re going to die. So why would it matter? Your reputation is worthless if you’re dead.”

  She smiled at me. “Maybe I won’t die. Maybe you’ve given me hope again.”

  “Me? Give you hope?” I laughed again, but this time it wasn’t soft or amused. It was filled with all my bitterness and pain. “I don’t have any of my own hope. I have no way to give any to anyone else.”

  She shook her head. “I know you love me, and now I know that you’re really fighting on my side. With you at my side, we can’t lose, can we?”

  I smiled, my heart grim. “You didn’t believe I was fighting on your side before?”

  “I did. But… I don’t know… There was this fear in my heart, this small piece of me that whispered that maybe I didn’t have your heart. That maybe your dark secret had some part of you that I’d never have.” She whispered, voice shaking. “But I see that was foolish now.”

  This time my smile was genuine. I stood up, walking over to her and putting my hands on her hips and drawing her close against me. “You have owned my heart ever since I saw you. It’s yours to do with as you like.”

  She brushed the back of her hand against my face and I savored the smooth coolness of the touch. She continued to trace her fingers along my face. “I’m not sure I know what to do with it now that I have it, though.” She murmured, her soft smile still playing on her lips.

  I smirked. “I don’t know what you should do with it either. Be careful with it?” I teased, twirling a strand of her hair around my fingers.

  She grinned. “Your love, your heart… It’s a precious thing. I would never treat it with anything apart from the most studious care.” She took her hand away from my face, putting her arms around my neck instead.

  “You’re the first person I would pick to give my heart to.” I whispered.

  With a last kiss, I let her go, feeling empty and sad as I watched her walk down the hall. Oh, what had I done? I was off the deep end. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

  But I had to. I had to see the thing through. This was my war now too, whether I liked it or not. The question was, if it came down to it, where would my loyalties lie? Would the king hold up his end of our bargain? And if he didn’t, what would happen? Could I choose between my sister’s life and Dairdra’s? When I first made my deal with the king for Dairdra’s life, I had believed I could. Now I was uncertain.

  Burying my head in my hands, I wept until I fell asleep. The decisions before me were too terrible to make, but make them I would.

  Chapter 16: Dairdra

  I walked down the spacious corridor to my bedroom, heart heavy and mind awhirl. I entered my bedroom, leaving the guards to stand watch at the end of the corridor - a safe distance away from my room so that if I broke down, they wouldn’t hear me crying. As soon as I was sure that they were close enough to hear real trouble but far enough not to hear my sobs, I locked the door.

  I knew I shouldn’t lock it. If I needed help, they wouldn’t be able to give it in time because they wouldn’t be able to break down the sturdy door. At that point though, I didn’t care. I would die in the next day or so anyway, so why should I?

  It had been a week since Cyril broke our frontline defenses. The soldiers would be at the Capital in just a few hours according to the scouts, and there was so little standing between my people and the invaders that I couldn’t help letting a tear trickle down my cheek as I thought about the danger we were all in.

  That was all it took. I broke down, weeping. I had failed my people, my soldiers, and all the nobles. I had failed everyone relying on me, including Crypt. I had even managed, I reflected in bitterness, to fail myself. I thought that I could do it, but I was wrong.

  Well, in a day or two, maybe less, it wouldn’t matter anyway. I would be dead. Crypt would be dead too. And my people. I didn’t want to think about what might happen to them.

  I buried my face in my arms, resting on the marble-topped desk in my room. I was a failure. I couldn’t even keep myself together when my people needed me most.

  My sobs wracked my body. I sucked in a breath, hating myself in that instant for my weakness. I always seemed to be crying. People needed me and they needed me to be strong. Instead, I was sitting in my room trying not to be heard weeping.

  A knock sounded on the heavy wooden door that led out of my rooms.

  I tried to make my voice sound steady when I replied, but I failed. “Go away. Unless it is an emergency, I don’t want to be bothered for the next fifteen minutes.”

  “Dairdra, please… You shouldn’t be alone in a time like this.” It was Crypt’s voice that answered.

  “I don’t want anyone to see me like this.” I wiped my tears away with a lacey handkerchief.

  “It’s just me. I don’t mind seeing you cry. You know that.” He hesitated. “And besides, sometimes it helps to have someone there with you and a shoulder to cry on.”

  He was right, and I was overwhelmed then with the need to have him holding me. I needed to run my fingers through his hair and feel his lips on mine just a few more times before we died. I needed time to be with him where I wasn’t thinking about his secrets or about the coming army. Time when I wasn’t worrying about anything. I wanted to be wrapped up in the moment with him and forget everything else even if it couldn’t stay that way.

  Forcing myself to be calm, I blew my nose and wiped the last vestiges of my tears away. I walked across the cold stone floor, barefooted since I had kicked off my shoes on entering the room, and unbarred the door. I opened it and let Crypt in.

  He smiled at me, his eyes taking in my disheveled appearance with sadness. “Thinking about what’s going to happen over the next few days?”

  I nodded. “Now that you’re here, I don’t want to think about it. I just want to spend the time with you and forget for the moment about everything that will happen.” I felt tears welling in my eyes again as he took me in his warm, strong arms. Those arms made me feel so safe and protected.

  I let the embrace linger like that, satisfied that he was there. Then I pushed away to close the door and lock it again.

  He raised an eyebrow at me, the corners of his mouth twitching in a smile. “Why lock the door?”

  “I told you. I don’t want to be bothered for the next fifteen minutes. If I left my door unlocked, anyone could barge in and bother me during those fifteen minutes.” I teased, feeling a little better and more playful now that he was with me.

  He closed the distance between us, filling my nose with a piney, snow-filled scent. I took a deep breath as I stood in his embrace. “You’ve been walking through the pine forests on the castle grounds?”

  He nodded. “I was doing a little of my own scouting.” His body was tense against mine as he said it, though, and I wondered if he was worried or if he was hiding something.

  I brushed off the thought. I was determined not to let our time together be spoiled by thoughts that he wasn’t being completely level or honest. I’d known Crypt for years. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

  I smiled up at him. “Enough of such talk. We’re together right now, and I don’t want our last conversation to be about the war.” I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.

  He smiled back. “It won’t be our last conversation.”

  “How can you be so sure?” I whispered.

  “Because we love each other, and that love can never be lost or broken. We’ll find our way back to each other no matter what happens.” He whispered, stroking my cheek where a tear had threaded its way down to my chin. “We’ll be alright. I just know it.”

  I leaned into his hand, a soft smile gracing my lips. “If you believe it, then I can too.” Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him, gentle at first and then with more passion and urgency.

&
nbsp; He kissed me back, his fingers curling against the small of my back as he held me. “We can still have a happily ever after, Dairdra.” He whispered.

  My eyes found his, crystalline blue to murky brown. “What?” My heart pounded against my rib cage as though seeking to break free.

  “If the war doesn’t go the way we want it to, if it looks like the Cyrillian army will win, we should flee. We can rally forces to come back and incite rebellion among your people. We can live to fight another day. But that only works if you aren’t captured and killed because you stayed instead of fleeing.” His voice was still so soft I could barely hear it.

  “I can’t just run. Abandoning my soldiers would dishearten them. We’d lose for sure.” I whispered back.

  “Dairdra, please… If our armies are annihilated, flee with me. There’s no way that we can win the war if we lose even half of the soldiers you have now. If you die, that will be the end of any possibility to regain the kingdom. The end of our lives together. Because if you die, it will only be because the person went through me first.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. Now is not the time for this talk. I don’t want to think about all of it. The pain is too great, and I need to forget about it all for now.”

  He smiled, pain in his eyes. “If that’s what you want.”

  “It is.” I whispered, kissing him again.

  He kissed me back, and I could feel his heart beating in rhythm with mine as I pressed against him. I savored the smell of pine needles surrounding him, the soft, but persistent feeling of his mouth against mine, and the rough, but gentle touch of his hands as they encircled my upper arms.

  A pounding knock resounded through my chambers minutes later breaking our silent separation from the outside world. “My Lady? Are you in here?” General Orin’s voice was muffled through the thick door.

  I let go of Crypt, ending our kiss so that I could answer him. “Yes, General. Why do you ask?”

  “They have reached the Capital, my Queen. The civilians are all within the palace walls in secure places, but the Cyrillians are within the city, and our forces are struggling to hold them back.”