A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Sandra tried to move closer, but Lydia held her back. “You can’t do anything.”

  “But I want to see,” Sandra protested.

  Lydia hesitated, before they both moved closer. Daett lay still on the blanket with Mamm weeping beside him. Sandra and Lydia knelt down to join them. Tears stung Sandra’s eyes as she clung to Mamm’s arm.

  “I’m afraid he’s gone,” Mamm sobbed.

  “Gone!” Sandra tried to get her mind around the thought. Daett was dead? But how could that be? He had been alive this morning. She had spoken with him only moments ago.

  “Move back,” the man’s voice ordered again, and several men retreated to allow Lena and several other women through. They stood beside Mamm, praying silently.

  Sandra felt a numbness creep over her. This was so strange and so sudden. Surely this wasn’t true. She looked up to see Ezra’s face among the gathered men. His features were drawn with concern. Only moments before they had laughed together and joked while Daett had been near death’s door. The meal wasn’t over, but no one would have any appetite after this. Not if one of their own had died in front of their eyes. The tears trickled down Sandra’s face, and she made no attempt to wipe them away.

  Bishop Henry spoke now. “We had best move him outside. Maybe that will help.” But the effort was useless, Sandra knew—as did all the others. Still, the men obeyed and gathered up the blanket. Sandra followed Mamm with Lydia beside her. Once outside, the men laid down the blanket and they all knelt to pray and wait.

  The usual Sunday afternoon noises had begun in the house behind them. The children had to be fed. Life had to go on. But would life ever be the same again for Sandra’s family? She tried not to think as flashing lights filled the driveway, and the paramedics took over. Mamm left with the ambulance, and Sandra stood unmoving as she watched the lights drive away. Could Daett be resuscitated? Sandra seemed to remember stories of men and women who had been dead, but had been brought back by paramedics. Maybe that could happen with Daett.

  “I’m coming over this afternoon and staying with you this evening,” Lydia whispered in Sandra’s ear.

  Sandra didn’t protest, and the two hugged each other. She could use Lydia’s presence in the house as they mourned this awful tragedy—if indeed Daett had passed from this life.

  Sandra had known something would happen today, but not this! Not Daett’s death!

  Chapter Four

  Three days later, Sandra stood beside the open grave as Daett’s casket was lowered slowly into the ground. Mamm wept silently with Lydia’s mamm, Mary, a step behind her. Sandra’s married brothers and sisters, along with their spouses, huddled on either side of them. Lydia had come up to slip her arm around Mamm’s shoulder during the short graveside service, but Mamm had now moved forward to stand alone, so Lydia moved up to stand beside Sandra.

  With bowed heads they all waited as the last song was sung. Bishop Henry led the prayer with a tremble in his voice. “Now unto the most High God, the maker of heaven and earth, we lift our hearts today in sorrow and beseech His mercy and grace upon the soul of our departed brother. Be with us as we mourn our great loss, and surrender our own hearts to Your will. Bless the families who are left behind. Comfort them with Your presence. Let us all find peace in the perfection of Your will. Let no bitterness arise in our hearts as we ache and weep. Give us…”

  Sandra grasped Lydia’s hand as Bishop Henry’s prayer continued. She didn’t let go even after Bishop Henry said, “Amen,” or when the dirt was being thrown on the casket. Not until the mound reached the level of the ground did Mamm move back to Sandra, who met her with a long embrace. Sandra’s brother, Mark, still stood at the gravesite with his head bowed. He would grieve for a long time, Sandra knew. As the last son in the Troyer household still at home, Mark had been close to Daett.

  “We must go on with the Lord’s help,” Mamm whispered. “We all must be strong for what lies ahead.”

  “Yah,” Sandra agreed. But there seemed to be more to Mamm’s words than was readily apparent. Since Daett had passed on Sunday, there had been little time for private conversations. The whole extended family ached with sorrow.

  “Come.” Lydia pulled on Sandra’s arm and led her back to the buggies parked along the graveyard fence. Mamm followed and passed them silently to climb in the front of the Troyers’ surrey. “Do you want me to ride with you?” Lydia offered.

  Sandra shook her head. “Mark will take us home. I’ll see you back at the house for the meal.”

  “Okay.” Lydia let go of Sandra’s arm.

  Sandra climbed in the buggy and Mark joined them moments later, taking the reins with both hands, his face grim. I should have taken Lydia up on her offer, Sandra told herself. Lydia’s presence would have been a comfort at least. But she needed to move on. Helping hands were there for a short time, but what about later? Mamm was Sandra’s biggest concern.

  Sandra leaned forward on the buggy seat to touch Mamm’s shoulder and asked, “Are you okay?”

  “The Lord will be with us,” Mamm responded.

  Sandra sighed and settled back into the seat. Mamm was putting on a goot front, but the pain still cut deep. This wasn’t the time to ask, but she wondered what Mamm saw in their future. But as she hesitated, Mark beat her to the question. “Jonas and Noah said there’s a family meeting right after the meal. What is that about, Mamm? Do you know something we don’t?”

  Mamm’s lips pressed themselves into a straight line. “We’d best wait until there’s plenty of time to speak of this.”

  “I want to know.” Mark was insistent. “There’s something been bothering you these last days—more than Daett’s passing.”

  “I’m still grieving for your daett, dear,” Mamm said in a quiet voice. “Let me have a few more hours before we speak of the future.”

  Mark fell silent, but he didn’t appear happy. What could be the problem? Sandra wondered. Surely there wasn’t another sorrow that lay ahead for them?

  Mark turned around to look at Sandra. “Do you know?”

  “Of course not,” Sandra said. “Mamm wouldn’t tell me what she hasn’t told you.”

  Mark nodded and appeared satisfied.

  Silence fell in the buggy, broken only by the steady beat of horses’ hooves as the long line of buggies made their way back to the Troyers’ home. The community women would have a large supper prepared once they arrived. Sandra didn’t have an appetite, but most everyone else would be hungry. As supper was served, visitors and family would have a chance for one last conversation. Afterwards they would express their condolences again. The locals would drive home tonight, while the visitors from Holmes County would set out on the long drive home tomorrow. Some of them wouldn’t arrive until the late evening hours, but they would all awaken the next morning to a whole new world.

  For the Troyer family, Daett would be gone, and Mark would be in charge of the farm. He was a year older than Sandra, and should already have found a girlfriend, but he hadn’t. Would this change things? Now Mark might be more intent on finding a girl and settling down. No dawdy haus had been built yet, and now there wouldn’t be one—unless she missed her guess. Daett had never been well-off financially, and Mark certainly couldn’t afford the expense with Daett gone. So what was to become of Mamm and her if Mark married? Sandra ran through the options, as the horses’ hooves beat the pavement. Maybe Mark would have mercy on them, and they could live in the basement for a few years. That wasn’t ideal, of course, and the situation wouldn’t be tolerated long by Mark’s future frau. All Amish women wanted to have a home they could call their own, and raise their kinner in peace without in-laws underfoot.

  Sandra stared out of the buggy door and thought of Ezra. He had stayed out of sight the past few days, which was proper during a time of grief. Ezra had compassion for her and would find some way to express his feelings soon enough. On her part, she would gather herself together in the next weeks and show Ezra that nothing had changed between them. Ly
dia wouldn’t press on with a relationship with Ezra until Sandra was also ready to pursue him again. Lydia wanted Ezra’s attentions badly, but she wasn’t underhanded. They would grieve together, as cousins should. She had her daett’s passing to mourn, and Lydia her uncle’s death. Nothing needed to be said. They both would know when the time had come to renew their pursuit of Ezra.

  Sandra focused on the family farmhouse as Mark slowed the buggy and they bounced into the barnyard. The field behind the house was filled with buggies, but an opening had been left for the immediate family to access the property and buildings. After Mark parked, Sandra climbed down to wait for Mamm. Mark would have to unhitch by himself. She needed to walk with Mamm up to the house, and Mark seemed to understand. His look was kind when they walked past him. Mark would be tender with Mamm in the weeks ahead. And Sandra would do her part—but a man’s touch was what Mamm needed most. Her older brothers might help out with occasional visits, but they had families of their own to care for.

  Sandra paused when she heard rapid footsteps behind them. It was Bishop Henry’s frau, Lena, hurrying to catch up with them. A look of gratefulness filled Mamm’s face as they continued toward the house. The whole community had rallied their support, but that was how things were done. Mamm would have done the same if this had been anyone else’s tragedy.

  Sandra stepped ahead to hold open the front door, and Lena entered arm in arm with Mamm. Once inside, Lena led Mamm to the couch, and helped her sit. Then she said, “You stay right here. I’ll get you a plate.”

  “I don’t think I can eat a bite,” Mamm said.

  Lena disappeared toward the kitchen without a protest. Life must go on, which was a lesson everyone was taught. Even in sorrow the point wasn’t forgotten. Sandra wasn’t hungry either but knew she had better fix herself a plate and eat, hungry or not.

  Sandra spooned small portions on her plate and returned to the living room, where Mamm was nibbling on a small sandwich.

  Women passed Sandra as she sat down to eat. A few stopped to whisper short words of encouragement before they moved on.

  “We’ll be praying for you and your family.”

  “Be strong now, Sandra—for your mamm’s sake.”

  “The Lord gives and He takes away. Remember that.”

  Sandra nodded and tried to smile, but her smile felt worn-out after three days of greeting visitors and family. She finished her plate of food, and as the crowd began to thin out, she moved over next to Mamm to hear the good-byes. People had chores at home and had to leave. They came up one by one to give their final condolences as they left. A few of the uncles and aunts also came closer to stand with them.

  Mamm’s sister Martha, who had driven up from the old community in Holmes County, held Mamm for a long time. Martha whispered after she let go, “I’m so sorry for your loss, Edna. I’ve said this a lot since we came, but our thoughts will be with you in the months ahead. I know these things don’t heal quickly.”

  “Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me,” Mamm said, giving Martha another hug.

  “You make it goot, now.” Charles, Martha’s husband, shook hands solemnly with Mamm. “We’re leaving now, and will be on the road at four in the morning, I’m thinking.”

  “The Lord go with you.” Mamm tried to smile through her tears.

  Daett’s brother Richard and his frau, Mae, were next in line. Mamm shook hands with Jim and said, “Your brother was greatly loved, Jim. He was a goot husband to me.”

  “Our hearts are with you,” Richard replied through tears of his own.

  Mae gave Mamm a long hug and whispered, “We’ll be thinking of you.”

  “Thanks for coming,” Mamm told them again.

  Sandra’s gaze lingered on her relatives until they were outside on the front lawn. Her older siblings stood by the buggies to say their final good-byes to the families, but she would stay with Mamm who now stood and moved to the living room window to watch the buggies leave. When the last one pulled out of the driveway, Mamm found her way back to the couch.

  “Tell the family to come in,” Mamm ordered, her voice weak. “It’s time.”

  Sandra opened the front door, but she didn’t have to call. The children had already been sent off to play, and the adults were on their way in. Sandra stepped aside and held the door open. After they were all seated, she closed the front door and found a chair by the stove. They were an even dozen in all, scattered around the room and in homes in three states. All of them were married except Mark and herself.

  Mamm’s voice finally broke the silence. “I guess the time has come to speak with all of you about another tragedy in our family. I’m not saying this to place more sorrow on any of you, but because you are my family. The truth is that Daett was in serious financial trouble before he passed. In fact, the shock of his loss may have been what brought on his death for all I know.” Mamm paused to wipe her eyes. “It certainly couldn’t have helped.”

  No one said anything for a moment. Finally Jonas asked, “Would this have anything to do with what the community is talking about, this financial scandal in which several of the men around here were involved?”

  “I suppose so.” Mamm’s voice was even. “Emil never said if anyone else was involved.”

  Noah spoke up. “I’m sure he knew. These rip-offs depend on someone believing someone else who’s already involved. I hear this was one of those schemes where investors receive excessive amounts of interest each month, but the funds in reality come from other people paying in down the line. Eventually the plan falls in on itself when new people stop investing, or too many people draw their original money out.”

  “So Daett was involved in that,” Mark muttered. “I should have guessed.”

  Mamm didn’t say anything because she didn’t know much more about finances than Sandra did. But her brothers obviously understood.

  “How badly was Daett in debt?” Jonas asked.

  Mamm looked away before she answered. “I think all of our savings and also all of the money he could borrow on the place.”

  “Mamm!” This exclamation came from Mark. “Was it that bad? Then how am I supposed to take the place over?”

  “I don’t know,” Mamm said. “Maybe your brothers have suggestions. You know I don’t know anything about money.”

  This conversation would not turn out well, Sandra knew. She only had to look at her brothers’ grim faces to know that.

  Chapter Five

  The following week Rosemary Beiler brought her buggy to a stop near the outer edge of the feed store parking lot in the small town of Heuvelton. She climbed down to tie the family’s driving horse, Buster, to a light post. Two of the other spots where a horse could be tied were already taken. Fortunately both buggies appeared familiar. She could use help from an Amish man later with her purchase. She didn’t normally shop here, but Daett wanted a bag of fertilizer and her brothers were busy with fieldwork.

  “Rosemary can swing by the feed mill after she goes to the bulk food store,” Mamm had offered.

  Daett had grunted and written several numbers out on a piece of paper. “Give this to the front desk, and they’ll get what I want. And put the bag in the back of the open buggy,” Daett had added. “The front is a little small and you could tear the bag.”

  Rosemary hadn’t said anything. The implications were clear. Daett figured she would carry the fertilizer out to the buggy by herself—a large bag, from the sound of it. She could ask for help at the front counter if help wasn’t readily available from one of the Amish men. She’d prefer aid from someone familiar to her, though, unless one of those men was Clyde Helmuth. She was still touchy about Clyde since the man had rejected her. It wasn’t right to feel this way, but she couldn’t help herself. Clyde’s words had cut deep. “You and your family have the ways of the world in your hearts, Rosemary. Some people just do, and you are one of them. So good night. I won’t be seeing you again.” She could still hear him saying the words at their front door.

/>   What Clyde had meant wasn’t difficult to figure out, even if the accusation was false. Yah, her Daett had once entertained plans to join a more liberal Amish church in the old community at Holmes County. They had attended the services a few times until Daett had reconsidered and repented. But that had happened years ago when she was a small girl. Everyone in the old community had forgotten, but not Clyde and his family. They remembered, and now Clyde had moved here with his daett. Few things were feared in the North Country like people who had liberal leanings. That was the reason the community in St. Lawrence County had been founded in the first place—to get away from such temptations. No one would appreciate community members who brought such liberal notions with them.

  Would Clyde drop words to the others about her family’s past? Some of the community people might already know, but if they did, no one had mentioned anything. Or they thought Daett had sufficiently repented. Lydia and her cousin Sandra had always been friendly toward Rosemary and went out of their way to make her feel welcome. She was accepted as part of the community and needed nothing to stir up old affairs. Help from an Englisha man with a fertilizer bag was innocent enough. Most of the community would understand that, but she wasn’t about to take the chance. If there were no Amish men inside the feed store, she would carry the bag by herself all the way across the parking lot. Let the Englisha people think what they wished.

  Rosemary gave Buster a pat on his neck and checked the tie rope again. “I’ll be right back,” she told the horse.

  Buster whinnied as if he understood. She wanted nothing of the Englisha world, regardless of what thoughts Daett might have had in the past. And, besides, Daett no longer had such thoughts, she was sure. Why would Daett have moved all the way to St. Lawrence County in upstate New York if he hadn’t wanted a fresh start away from old temptations? Clyde had no right to trouble her here, and hopefully he wouldn’t.