A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Lydia put the last pin in her kapp, and glanced out the bedroom window. A car was visible in the distance, so Avery and Julie would be here any minute. She waited a moment before she opened the bedroom door and took the stairs in slow motion. Her sisters might race downstairs, but she wanted to act differently. Yet in her heart tonight she wouldn’t be so different at all. She would be spending time with an Englisha boy just as her sisters often did. They would look at Christmas lights, and likely stop someplace for hamburgers. Rudy and she would no doubt do likewise.

  The front door slammed as Lydia stepped out of the stairwell. The forms of Emma and Rhoda raced past the living room window. Lydia stopped at the kitchen doorway to say, “Good-bye, Mamm.”

  “Have a goot time.” Mamm’s smile was weak.

  Lydia grabbed her thick winter coat and slipped outside into the brisk winter air. Snow had fallen last night. The Christmas lights tour would be breathtaking…if only her heart could forget for a few hours the danger she was in and soar with the beauty around her.

  Maybe that was the best approach, since she had committed to the evening. She had forgotten how enjoyable these Christmas tours used to be during her rumspringa days.

  Lydia drew a deep breath and walked toward Avery and Julie’s car. Maybe Mamm and Daett would make their peace with Deacon Schrock tonight, and she would find the strength to resist these temptations. Wouldn’t that be a miracle?

  “Hi, Lydia,” Avery called out. “Ready to set off on the great adventure? Hop in the back seat. There’s room for you there.”

  Lydia nodded and opened the door to squeeze in with her sisters.

  Avery turned the car around in the barnyard. Lydia took one last look at the house as they pulled out, before memories of her rumspringa time began flooding back. There had been long evenings spent in Heuvelton on the weekends, filled with laughter and lightheartedness—and Rudy, of course. But that was in the past, Lydia reminded herself. This was only a ride to see the Christmas lights. Lydia closed her eyes as Emma and Rhoda began a silly conversation with Avery and Julie.

  Avery soon slowed the car as they approached the intersection in Rensselaer Falls. Off to the side three cars were parked in the gas station. The snowplow had turned around there and left several large spaces. Avery pulled in and parked. Emma and Rhoda looked at Lydia with big grins on their faces. “See you later.”

  “Rudy’s in the green mustang,” Avery said. “But I suppose you know that.”

  Lydia forced a smile. “Of course. And thanks for the ride.” With a quick push of her hand Lydia opened the car door and hurried toward the green mustang.

  As Lydia approached, the driver’s window rolled down and Rudy called out. “Hi, Lydia. So glad to see you again, love.”

  Lydia choked back a response. No man had called her “love” ever before. Not even Rudy.

  “Chilly tonight, isn’t it?” Rudy said as she took her place in the passenger’s seat.

  Lydia took a quick wipe at her eyes. “Yah, and the wind stings a little bit. But it’s warm in here.” She pulled back her coat from her shoulders, revealing her simple blue dress.

  “You used to wear…” Rudy let the sentence hang as his gaze traveled down her attire.

  “I’m Amish now,” she reminded him.

  “I don’t know how all that works,” Rudy muttered. “But you’re still Lydia to me, and I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Did you think I wouldn’t come?” Lydia tried to tease.

  Rudy didn’t laugh. “I feared you wouldn’t, but here you are.”

  Lydia tried to keep her voice lighthearted. “Yep, here I am.”

  How was she to explain to Rudy what had transpired since her rumspringa? It wasn’t possible. Rudy could never understand it all. Was she a fool to be here?

  “The others are pulling out.” Rudy motioned toward the several cars in the agreed-upon caravan. “Shall we follow…or go off on our own?”

  “Whatever you wish,” Lydia said. “I’m yours for the evening.”

  Rudy remained sober-faced. “Lydia, I know this must be hard for you. I don’t know about your life as a…whatever you call it. Let’s say, your life in the community.”

  “That’s goot enough,” Lydia allowed.

  Rudy nodded. “I know that whatever you did to be with me tonight, must have caused some consternation. I wouldn’t ask that of you, if I didn’t think it was worth it. If I didn’t want it badly, Lydia. See, I’ve never forgotten the times we had together. They shine in my heart, and they have never dimmed.”

  Lydia lowered her head and didn’t answer. What was there to say? Her presence here was answer enough. Lydia waited, and finally Rudy started the car and followed the others. Only he drove slower and dropped his speed even further as they approached the edge of Ogdensburg. Bright lights glimmered in the front windows and strings of colored beads went everywhere in the yards. A huge sleigh and reindeer ran along the edge of several trees.

  Lydia took a deep breath and forced herself to focus on the sights.

  Rudy chuckled. “Looks like everyone is trying to outdo each other.”

  Which was exactly how everyone in the community tried not to live, Lydia thought, but she pushed the thought away. She was here with Rudy, and it wasn’t right to bring things from her world into this moment.

  Rudy didn’t seem to notice Lydia’s troubled thoughts as he pointed to another bright display. “How about that huge snowman? That’s not a very original idea to anchor the lights that way, but it does work. Look at the streamer going all the way to the rooftop. That took some energy to climb up there!”

  “I guess so,” Lydia agreed.

  She had to say something, but Rudy had no idea how she felt or what despair was gripping her deep inside. The thought of what they used to share had glowed in her heart while she had been at home, but out here, the memory seemed to have flown far away. Lydia glanced at Rudy’s handsome face. This was the man she had once kissed, but he wasn’t the same. Or rather, she was no longer the same. She shouldn’t blame Rudy.

  Lydia struggled for words as Rudy exclaimed over another display. “Splendid, absolutely splendid. Lydia, remember how we used to take this drive together?”

  “Yah,” Lydia managed. She did remember.

  Rudy reached across the console to squeeze Lydia’s hand. “You always were the shy one, while your cousin, what was her name, was so bold.”

  “Sandra.” Lydia struggled with the name. Sandra might be bold, but she would never do something like this.

  “Yep.” Rudy laughed but didn’t seem to notice her discomfort. “Could that woman ever chatter up a storm! It took a little effort to draw you out, but I succeeded eventually. I even got a kiss out of you. Remember? You were all the sweeter for the hard work involved.” Rudy grinned and squeezed Lydia’s hand again.

  How could she forget? Lydia wondered.

  “Can we get something to eat?” The question burst out of her.

  Rudy seemed puzzled but shrugged. “Sure. But there’s still plenty of lights to see. We can stop to get subs. Is that good enough?”

  “Yah. It’s perfect.” Lydia tried to sound cheerful.

  Rudy accelerated and moments later pulled into the Wendy’s parking lot. The couple went inside and placed their orders.

  “Shall we eat here?” Rudy suggested, motioning toward a table. “We can see the downtown lights from the windows.”

  Lydia nodded and followed Rudy to a seat. A feeling of loneliness swept over her. Lydia pressed back the tears, and this time Rudy noticed when he sat down with the tray of sandwiches and their drinks.

  “This isn’t working, is it?” he asked.

  Lydia tried to smile. “I wanted to come out with you. It’s not that. Rudy, I just have…” Lydia couldn’t finish the sentence.

  Rudy reached for Lydia’s hand across the table. “I understand.”

  “It’s not your fault.” Lydia motioned with her hand in a wide circle that included the restaura
nt and the streets outside. “I’ve been away from this for so long…and I never planned to come back.”

  Rudy leaned forward. “But you can come back. I’ll help you…anytime you’re ready.”

  Lydia took a bite of her chicken sandwich, but it somehow didn’t taste as good as she remembered it. She thought she might choke.

  “Are you okay?” Rudy half stood to his feet.

  Lydia motioned him to sit again. “I’m okay. I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought I was. I’m not feeling well.”

  Rudy stood up. “Then you’re not okay. Come. Bring your sandwich and we’ll leave. I’m sorry about this, Lydia. I didn’t mean to rush things.”

  Lydia squeezed back the tears as she slid her sandwich into the bag. What a fool she was, caught between two worlds like this. How could she have been so stupid?

  “Thank you for understanding,” Lydia said as they left. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” Rudy took Lydia’s hand to lead the way back to the car. “We’ll try again some other time.”

  Lydia tried to protest, but the words stuck in her throat. They drove in silence back to Lydia’s home.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Barely half an hour later, Rudy pulled into the Troyers’ lane. The gas lantern was burning in the living room window, casting a soft glow over Deacon Schrock’s buggy. It was still parked beside the barn. At the moment, though, Lydia didn’t care about Deacon Schrock. She was more concerned about how badly tonight had turned out. Rudy would have every justification to throw her out of his car at the end of the driveway. Instead he drove her all the way up to the sidewalk before he stopped.

  “Good night,” Rudy told her. His voice was kind.

  “Thanks for tonight,” she whispered. “I’m sorry…”

  “It’ll be okay,” Rudy said. “We’ll wait until…”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Lydia whispered.

  “I enjoyed the evening while it lasted.” Rudy attempted a chuckle and reached over to touch her hand.

  “I wish I hadn’t…” Lydia’s free hand didn’t move on the handle. “Maybe we had best…”

  Rudy stopped Lydia with a gentle squeeze on her hand. “We’ll try this some other time, so don’t say anything more tonight. I will wait a few weeks and call again.”

  Lydia nodded and pushed open the car door, then plunged into the night. She hurried up the walk as Rudy’s headlights streamed across the snowy lawn. At the porch she turned for a wave, but his car was already out on Madrid Road. She stepped into the shadows of the porch to catch her breath. Her whole body felt numb. What a disaster she had created. With Rudy gone the reality sank in deeply. Deacon Schrock was still inside. Maybe she should hide in the barn until the deacon went home. Knowing Deacon Schrock, that could be a long time, and she was too cold to wait outside.

  Lydia sighed and pushed open the front door to see Daett sitting on his rocker with his head bowed. Mamm was in the same posture, while Deacon Schrock was on the couch. He looked up when Lydia walked in.

  “You’re back,” Mamm spoke first.

  Lydia didn’t answer. She wasn’t expected to.

  Deacon Schrock looked like he was carrying a great weight on his shoulders. “Goot evening, Lydia. Please have a seat. We’ve been waiting and praying that the Lord brings you home early.”

  Lydia caught her breath. Was that why her panic attack had happened? Because of Deacon Schrock’s prayers?

  “Please take a seat,” Deacon Schrock repeated.

  There was no getting away from this, Lydia decided, so she sat on the chair near the stove. Her knees trembled.

  Deacon Schrock waited with his head lowered for a few minutes. He finally looked up and asked, “Would you mind explaining what you were doing tonight? Your mamm told me you went with your sisters and two of their Englisha friends to tour the Christmas lights. You know that’s strictly a rumspringa activity, one that you promised to leave behind when you made vows to the Lord and His church.”

  Lydia kept her head down. She couldn’t argue with the deacon’s point. What he said was true.

  “And yet you went?” Deacon Schrock continued to probe.

  Lydia raised her head. “There’s more to it than that.” The deacon wouldn’t be satisfied until he knew the truth, so she might as well confess.

  “Yah?” Deacon Schrock waited.

  “We met up with the two men Emma and Rhoda run around with, Benny and Jimmy.” Lydia gathered her courage. “But that’s not what it was all about. I met my old Englisha boyfriend, Rudy. He’s the one who dropped me off right now.”

  Deacon Schrock stared. “What is wrong with this family? Have your daett’s sins affected everyone, Lydia? You know this cannot be. For this action alone you have sinned grievously. And this, after you promised to forsake the world and all that lies out there.” Deacon Schrock’s arm waved in the general area of the living room window. “Lydia, first your parents allow all kinds of mischief from their youngest daughters to happen right in their own home, and now you? Are we to lose all of this family to the world?” Deacon Schrock stopped to catch his breath. “I can believe none of this. There must be an explanation. Is this happening because of the sin your daett and his brother allowed into the community? If it is, I find myself at fault first. I should have recommended to the ministry that your daett be sternly disciplined for his financial sin. Instead, I figured the death of his brother would be enough of a rebuke from the Lord, but I see once more that the church must also do its part. In this we all seemed to have failed.”

  “You shouldn’t blame yourself, nor should anyone else,” Daett spoke up. “I take this blame upon myself.”

  Deacon Schrock glanced at Daett. “That is a start, but you still have a very long way to go, Ben. I think a knee confession is certainly called for. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Bishop Henry received counsel to place all of you in the bann for six weeks.”

  “The bann?” Mamm gave a little gasp.

  Lydia saw her mamm’s alarmed face. What had she expected?

  Deacon Schrock addressed Lydia again. “What did you and your former boyfriend speak of tonight? And you had best tell me the truth, Lydia.”

  Lydia waited before she answered. “We did nothing evil, but I am tempted by the love we once had for each other. In this I admit my wrong.”

  A look of horror filled Deacon Schrock’s face. “You spoke of love with your former Englisha boyfriend! But this sort of thing is from the world, Lydia. You have promised to forsake such things and leave behind all that is impure and to join yourself to the people of the Lord. This is worse than I imagined.”

  “I said I was tempted, that is all,” Lydia protested.

  Deacon Schrock thundered his response. “Lydia! Listen to yourself. These are not the words of the Lord. An Englisha man cannot love one of the daughters of the community. This is unspeakable. You must repent at once.”

  Lydia’s head spun. “I cannot but speak the truth. Would you have me lie?”

  Deacon Schrock stood to pace the floor. “Something must be done with you, Lydia. I will make a trip over to Harvey Miller’s place first thing tomorrow morning and speak with him. Harvey lost his frau last year, and he still hasn’t married. He needs to plan a quick wedding with you and get this all behind us.”

  Lydia tried to breathe. “You would match me up with Harvey Miller?” Visions of Harvey’s face appeared in Lydia’s mind. He certainly wasn’t unattractive, but she had never entertained a romantic thought about the man in her life. Nor had Harvey had romantic thoughts about her. It was common knowledge that Harvey still mourned the death of his beloved frau, Leslie.

  “It is the ministry’s responsibility to make suggestions in cases like yours.” Deacon Schrock was firm. “Your aunt Edna took my advice after the death of Emil, and the Lord has greatly blessed the match. I cannot see how things could turn out differently in this case. Harvey needs a frau, and you would be a very suitable match for the man. Y
our willful ways would be calmed down.”

  Lydia finally found her voice. “You cannot do this!”

  “You will repent of your willful ways,” Deacon Schrock ordered. “And the Lord will cleanse the rest of your soul. I will speak to the rest of the ministry about this matter, and after the Christmas holidays, we will speak further. Why trouble like this has to arise around the celebration of the Lord’s birth is beyond me, but I suppose men have sins in their hearts at all times.” Deacon Schrock stood up and moved toward the door. “Well, a good night to you, and may all of you find the Lord’s blessing again—and soon.”

  The door slammed, and silence settled over the room.

  “Aren’t you going to see him off, Ben?” Mamm asked.

  Daett groaned. “Like he wishes to see me right now. I have been a foolish man to allow my home to get to this state. Look what I have begotten—nothing but the whirlwind. I’m disgraced even further after my financial ruin, if such a thing is possible. And now Lydia is to be forced into a marriage she doesn’t want.”

  “Will you be making the knee confession?” Mamm asked.

  Daett groaned again, but didn’t answer.

  Lydia stood and headed to her room upstairs. She ran her hands along the wall in the darkness for guidance. There was nothing but confusion in the house at the moment. This was what happened when Daett wandered aimlessly, as he had of late. But why blame Daett instead of herself for this trouble? Daett was still hurting from the mistakes he had made. She ought to comfort him, but how? She was in a fix herself.

  Deacon Schrock’s threat was no idle chatter. The deacon would speak with Harvey Miller. She couldn’t imagine Harvey cooperating the way Amos had with Aunt Edna, but there was an outside chance he might. If Harvey showed up at the Troyers’ doorstep to see her, she’d deal with the matter then. She could at least be kind to Harvey even if she couldn’t marry the man. In the meantime, Deacon Schrock wouldn’t suggest any further discipline for her. Not unless she rejected Harvey outright. For that much she could give thanks.