by Kim Lawrence
This solution was a bit extreme even for him. ‘But doing something…doing anything, especially this anything to make yourself feel as if you’re in control is not a good idea.’
In control! Was she joking? ‘I haven’t been in control since the first moment I met you!’ he declared, his resentment very obviously smouldering. He threw her a harassed, driven look. ‘My life wasn’t so crash-hot terrific before,’ he growled. ‘But at least it had some sort of comforting predictability.’
‘Then you ought to be careful about who you decide to stalk in future,’ she felt pushed by his perverse logic to point out.
‘Hell!’ He stopped, an arrested expression stealing across his dark face. ‘Predictable! Like it was a good thing… Did I really just say that?’ he appealed to her, a comically horrified expression spreading across his handsome, haggard face.
‘I take it that was a rhetorical question. Or has your short-term memory gone the same way as your sanity?’
‘I sound so old,’ he announced in a shaken voice that, if she hadn’t been so deeply shaken, might have made her smile. ‘If I go on like this I’ll be as boring as Jake before long,’ he observed acidly.
‘I didn’t see too much wrong with Jake.’ How could she when he looked so like the man she loved?
Josh shot her a sharp, not altogether pleased look. You don’t say,’ he responded in a disgruntled tone. ‘Actually we’re chalk and cheese, nothing alike, the original odd couple.’
‘He sounds better by the minute,’ she mumbled provocatively.
‘You love me really,’ he shot back carelessly, though had she seen his eyes she might have revised the careless part.
She watched, stifling her frustration and growing panic as he recommenced his monotonous pacing of the room. It was, she admitted, probably the only time she’d think monotonous in the same breath as Josh and, if she was being scrupulously honest, she liked it that way.
‘I do…?’ she echoed faintly. It occurred to her she ought to be objecting to this sort of cocky confidence.
He stopped his panther-like pacing and looked directly at her. Now she forced herself to analyse his expression she saw that he didn’t look particularly confident, just fierce, driven and deeply distracted.
‘It’s blindingly obvious,’ he announced. ‘I love you, you love me.’ Jaw clenched, chest heaving, hands balled into white-knuckled fists, he paused to let her deny it.
The significance of her silence was deafening. The pupils of his eyes visibly expanded and a bone-deep thrill shot through her as their eyes clashed and melded. ‘We have to get married.’
‘Why? Do you think I’m likely to be ostracised by polite society? Grow up, Josh,’ she sneered shakily.
He ignored her sub-standard attempt at sarcasm. ‘You need me.’
How horribly true. Her chin went up. ‘To be a martyr…thanks, but no, thanks! You’ve made your views on fatherhood crystal clear.’
‘That was before this fait accompli, that changes everything.’ His grim voice was laced with the crushing strain he was feeling.
Everything except the way you feel, she wanted to shout. ‘This baby isn’t a fait accompli!’ she yelled. ‘As hard as you obviously find it to believe, I want this baby.’ Her intensity drew his narrowed gaze to her face. ‘Until you do too you can keep away from me…us. If I do drop dead,’ she flung recklessly, ‘you’ll have a role to play, but I have no intentio—’ She didn’t get any further.
He moved with astonishing fluidity for a big man. He grabbed her by the shoulders and hauled her roughly towards him until her tender breasts were pressed close to his heaving chest. His eyes blazed down at her. The rage that consumed him was a tangible thing, like static it danced in the air around them.
‘Never, never make a crack like that again.’ The soft staccato words emerged from compressed, bloodless lips. ‘Do you hear me?’
Overcome with remorse, she nodded. ‘I didn’t mean…’
Josh released his biting grip on her. His fingers curled around the soft nape of her neck before sliding upwards across her scalp. ‘I was her husband, Flora, I should have been able to save her.’ The memory of that failure still haunted him, she could see it in the stark pain in his eyes, hear it in the harsh unevenness of his tone. ‘I tried to blame fate, your father when the opportunity arose, but deep down I knew, I always have, that the responsibility was mine…’
‘But that’s…’ He hushed her automatic horrified protest with a finger pressed to her lips. His words continued to carry the same implacable conviction.
‘It was me who wanted to start a family straight away. Bridie just went along with what I said to please me, she always did, which was very convenient for a man who likes to get his own way.’ His voice was laden with bitter self-derision. ‘Her family blamed me, they never wanted her to marry me in the first place, and they were right,’ he asserted grimly. ‘But I won’t let anything happen to you,’ he vowed fiercely, threading his fingers through the bright strands of her hair.
‘It already has…I fell in love with you, Josh.’ She heard the hissing intake of breath, felt his chest swell and saw the flame that smouldered for a fraction of a second before igniting to an incandescent blaze in his eyes. She closed her eyes dizzily as his lips swooped downwards.
‘But that doesn’t matter!’ she protested just as she felt the first touch of his mouth against hers. He froze. Flora felt his big strong body quiver with strain as he held back his lips still almost touching her own. She trembled feverishly; her desire for him was so strong she could taste it on her tongue.
‘It doesn’t matter that you love me!’ he echoed in a disbelieving whisper. The warmth of his fragrant breath teased the ultra-sensitive flesh around her ear. ‘That I love you…what sort of insanity is that, Flora? It’s all that matters.’
‘That’s too simplistic,’ she persisted tearfully, and, oh, so tempting…!
Breathing unsteadily, he brought his forehead to rest against hers. ‘I know we had a bad start. Hell,’ he ejaculated unsteadily, ‘that’s the granddaddy of all understatements! But I’ll make that up to you, I promise… Can’t you forget the past…?’
‘I can,’ she told him with sudden complete conviction. ‘But you can’t, Josh. Don’t you see that’s the problem?’
His thumbs moved compulsively over the smooth, firm angle of her jaw. ‘Even if I accepted that, which,’ he told her stubbornly, ‘I don’t, what’s your solution—something mature like refusing to see me again? You could always have your friends tell me you’d gone to Australia this time, why mess around with half measures? Hong Kong! Did your pal really think I’d swallow that one?’ he enquired scornfully. ‘I warn you, Flora, it wouldn’t really matter where you went to—you see, I’d follow you to the ends of the earth!’
‘You would…?’ Emotion clogged her throat.
‘Do you doubt it?’
Looking into his eyes, she didn’t. She almost heard the sound as the last threads of resistance within her snapped.
‘I don’t think I could not see you,’ she confessed brokenly. ‘I love you so much it hurts.’
Josh’s head fell back and he gave a long, juddering sigh of relief. When he eventually looked down into her eyes his own glowed with heart-stopping tenderness. ‘I’ve waited a long time to hear you say that.’
‘But that doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything drastic.’
Like give myself permission to be happy? She suddenly saw clearly the stupidity of her fearful stance. She had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
This is it, girl, you’ve found your man. So this isn’t the way you imagined it would be; life’s no fairy tale, it’s complicated. What are you going to do about it? Sit and whine, or get off your bottom and go for it? Life with Josh had the potential to surpass any dream she’d ever had.
There was no point pretending this wasn’t going to be a tough nine months for Josh. Her pregnancy was not something they could ignore, it was bound to
be a massive problem for him, and his ambivalence was painfully understandable. But she could help him to be positive about it, she knew she could. Don’t just stand there bleating like a dummy, Flora, make it work!
‘And marrying me would be drastic?’
‘Does it get much more drastic?’ she asked wryly.
It was a relief to finally come to terms with the conflict that had raged within her. She still felt apprehensive, but now she was fired up and determined. It was time to start doing something positive—something like marrying the man she loved and showing him that the past couldn’t hurt them! It would be worth the wait.
Josh was unaware of what she was thinking; his expression had grown darkly sombre. ‘How about having a baby? That’s the definition of desperately drastic in my book.’
‘It’s the definition of fulfilling in mine, Josh.’ Her face shone with a new serenity.
‘Have you seen a doctor yet?’
‘Yes.’
‘Who is he? I’ll check him out…’
‘In case he turns out to be an addict?’
Josh winced and his eyes darkened. ‘I didn’t mean…’
‘To interrogate me? I know what you mean to do,’ she added quietly. ‘You mean you’d like to wrap me up in cotton wool and treat me like an invalid. I knew you’d overreact if I told you… Well, I won’t have it, Josh.’
‘The way I recall it you thought I’d insist you had an abortion,’ he reminded her grimly.
Flora flushed defensively. ‘Do you blame me?’
Josh narrowed his eyes and didn’t reply immediately. ‘Actually I was going to point out that twins run in our family, it’s something we ought to mention to your obstetrician.’
Flora’s mouth and eyes opened wide simultaneously. Twins! She hadn’t considered that. ‘We…?’ she managed, regaining a little of her composure. ‘When you say run, Josh, just how many twi—’
Josh cut her off abruptly. ‘I’m not going to be a silent partner, Flora,’ he warned her.
She trembled but didn’t protest as one of his big hands curled over her flat belly. It was the first time she hadn’t felt lost and lonely in a long time.
‘You have to promise me if at any stage during this…’ he swallowed as though saying the word was hard for him ‘…pregnancy you are at risk in any way you’ll put your own well-being first.’ His voice firmed as he met her startled gaze sternly. ‘Do you understand what I’m saying, Flora?’
She did. If it came to a choice between her and the baby he wanted her to choose herself. How could she promise that, when even though the life within her was hardly formed the same couldn’t be said for her new and powerful maternal feelings?
She wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be all right, but she knew he wouldn’t believe her. ‘I understand what you’re saying, Josh, and I have to tell you I don’t much care for your tone.’ She tried with limited success to lighten the atmosphere.
‘The word tough springs to mind. And just for the record,’ he added a shade belligerently, ‘I don’t much like you not telling me you’re carrying my child. Were you going to…?’
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted in a distracted voice. ‘Can’t you just be optimistic…?’ she suggested wistfully. ‘Do you always have to be…?’
‘Practical! One of us needs to be!’ he thundered.
Flora’s mind was racing. ‘If I marry you will that constitute practical?’ It was practical when compared to the alternative. The alternative, a life minus Josh, didn’t bear contemplating.
‘You mean it?’ he grated. Gloatingly triumphant, his glowing eyes moved hungrily over her face. ‘You better had!’ he warned her grimly.
She lifted her hand and pressed her fingers to his lips. ‘Stop,’ she pleaded, ‘before you demonstrate what a classically macho overbearing husband you’ll make. I know I’m probably crazy, but the simple truth is you were right—I’m not sure I can live without you,’ she announced with a sob. To hell with pride! ‘It seems wicked to say it, but I’m not sure I’d want to live without you.’
When she managed to blink away the tears from her eyes she saw that Josh seemed to appreciate the enormity of her husky confession. In fact he looked so stunned she wasn’t sure if she’d scared him off with the intensity of her feelings.
Her doubts only lasted a few seconds before he groaned harshly and lunged towards her, his arms lifting her off the ground as his lips offered hungry, incontrovertible proof of his pleasure.
When he finally drew back Flora found herself standing in the circle of Josh’s strong arms with her head on his shoulder, conscious of the soothing background throb of his steady heartbeat. She inhaled deeply, her senses greedily drinking in the unique male fragrance that was just his alone.
‘I hope you realise that a kiss like that is equivalent to an engagement ring?’
‘A real rock,’ she agreed dreamily. ‘I knew this would happen if I ever opened my door for you.’ She gave a contented sigh and rubbed her cheek against the thin fabric of his shirt, breathing in the smell of the warm musky scent of him. A sharp thrill of sexual desire shot through her. ‘You’ve no idea how hard it was not to when you were hammering on it for what seemed like hours. I thought you’d never go away.’
‘That didn’t seem like hours, it was hours, and if I’d known for sure you were here I would have put up a stronger resistance when that pair of butch security guys expelled me from the building!’
‘I didn’t contact them,’ she promised, lifting her head. ‘It was the neighbours. This is a very respectable building.’
‘I feel I know all the neighbours personally—the whole damned building came to watch the floorshow when the heavy mob arrived. Actually the general consensus from those who know me seems to be I’m a pretty respectable type myself these days.’
‘Do I detect a tiny note of regret there?’ she teased lightly.
‘I regret a lot things, Flora,’ he admitted with none of the levity her own voice had contained. ‘But, believe me, meeting you is not one of them. Believe me too when I say I’ll make you the very best husband I know how.’ He just hoped to hell that was going to be good enough! Tenderly his fingers trailed down her smooth cheek.
The throb of sincerity in his voice brought an emotional lump to her throat. She turned her head to kiss the palm of the hand that caressed her face.
‘I believe you, Josh.’
‘We’ve got a lot to plan, there’s no point hanging around. We don’t need anything fancy…’ He looked ready to dash off and collar a willing priest right there and then. If she was going to do the wedding thing, she thought, it might be quite nice to do it properly—after all she had no intention of doing it more than once. Right now she had more urgent things on her mind so she didn’t think it necessary to break this to him straight off.
‘I think you should get your priorities right from the start.’ Rather boldly she flicked open the top button of his shirt and made a gentle circular exploratory movement over his hair-roughened skin with one curious finger. She lifted her eyelashes to take a sultry little peek at his reaction. It was promising—very promising!
‘You put forward a very convincing argument,’ he admitted throatily.
Flora took him by the hand and led him towards her bedroom door. She knew for sure that, no matter how much they had going against them, as long as he continued to look at her like that they had more going for them!
Flora loved watching Josh work. He attacked a canvas with bold, sure strokes, yet there was nothing insensitive about his rich, vibrant style. He liked to paint her and there were several portraits stacked around the walls that lovingly showed the many stages of her expanding girth.
The light in this studio Josh had created in their new home still excited him and Flora approved of things that made Josh happy. She made Josh happy, but she was also aware that she and the child growing big within her were responsible for the growing tension she sensed in him.
It still felt strange being Mrs Prentice, but not unpleasant strange—no, a long long way from unpleasant! The reality of being with Josh surpassed her wildest dreams. He’d indulged her when she’d told him she wanted their wedding to be a special day to share with their family and friends, though he’d had a hard time keeping his impatience in check as the preparations were being made.
Flora didn’t actually have a lot of family, but the enormous Prentice clan more than compensated. Liam had made a delightful page, and though Flora had thought at first that she’d never be able to look at Jake and his wife without blushing the couple had soon put her at her ease. Nowadays the brothers complained that the two women were constantly conspiring together behind their backs.
Josh tried hard to hide his anxiety from her, but she occasionally—more often lately—caught a fleeting fearful expression in his grey eyes that you could almost taste. It made her ache with bitter-sweet empathy. She knew that until she had safely delivered their child Josh wouldn’t be able to throw off the ghosts from the past that haunted him—that haunted their union.
Quietly so as not to disturb him she got up from the canvas studio chair. The combination of the flimsy chair and her bulk made quiet hard to achieve. Josh turned around and she responded before he’d asked.
‘I’m fine. I could just do with a stretch.’
She didn’t mention the nagging pain in her back because Josh had a habit of overreacting to every trivial ailment, and as often as not she responded crankily in return to his concern, and before you could blink they were arguing. Hormones might be responsible, but Flora found she had lost her appetite for conflict; happily for them both that was the only appetite she’d lost.
‘Anyone home?’ Alec, Josh’s agent, came in through the garden door bringing a sharp blast of cool air with him. ‘I have to come and thank this brilliant husband of yours.’
‘I wish you wouldn’t feed his ego,’ Flora pleaded drolly.
Alec regarded her uncertainly. He could never quite work out when Josh’s new wife was joking. ‘I sold those shares!’ he announced exultantly to Josh who was regarding his canvas with a critical eye.
