by Ann Garner
She pins her eyes on me. “Only apparently my roommate hasn't been in class all week long, and my normally level headed brother is freaking out. Like dragging me out of my class to yell at me, freaking out.”
“Oh, Grace. I'm sorry.”
She's shaking her head. “Oh I don't think sorry is going to cover this one.”
“He was yelling at you? Really?”
“Well, yelling might be a strong word, but he's pissed. At me,” she says, obviously exasperated.
“I'm pretty sure I'm not the one skipping class, apparently to avoid him, but somehow he thinks it’s my fault.” Her eyes narrow in on me again. “He's bitching at me about leaving you alone at the open door party last week.” She sounds confused, and I can't blame her.
“I thought you said nothing happened, that you just couldn't hear your phone over the music and then you ran into Cole. Obviously that isn't what happened.”
“It's really nothing.”
She shakes her head. “Oh no, try again. Obviously it's something if it’s keeping you from going to class so you won't run into Cole. Because I know you aren't sick.”
I'm picking absently at a string on my comforter while I try to gather my thoughts. How do I tell her without telling her? Because no matter how close the two of us have become, I don't think I'll ever tell her about my past. I don't need the pity or sympathy or anything else that she might feel if she were to find out.
There had been no choice for me back home. Everyone had known what happened, maybe not the in depth details, but they had known enough. And no one had ever looked at me the same.
I didn't look at me the same.
Grace crosses the small space between our two beds and sits next to me on mine. “Look, I know you said that you have this....anxiety about being in large crowds, or around people you don't know, or whatever it is, and obviously I shouldn't have pushed you into going last week, as my darling brother so gently pointed out to me,”
I start to interrupt her but she shakes her head. “I obviously don't have that problem, Del, so unless you tell me what's going on, I won't know.”
“I wanted to go.” I assure her. “In theory. I just got a little overwhelmed, that's all.”
“Cole said he had to rescue you from some guy named Mark. No, wait, I believe Coles exact words were ‘a douche bag named Mark, who's only interested in one thing from girls.’ Now, I think I should get some sort of award for not laughing at him, since as far as I know, that's all Cole is interested in from girls.”
She's twisted around on my bed now so she's sitting cross legged and staring right at me. “So what’d you do to my brother?”
“Nothing!" I cry indignantly.
“Oh, don't get your panties in a twist, Del. I only meant that he's never acted like that over a girl. Hell, I don't think he's ever acted like that over me, and I’m his sister. He never once had a problem when Grant and I got together. Not like Holden did. So obviously I've missed something.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Not really. He, ah, kinda sorta asked me out a few weeks ago...”
She perks up in interest. “Seriously? Cole asked you out on a date? Like on actual date? That's amazing! When are you guys....oh. Oh,” she says again, drawing out the word a little. “You said no.”
I nod my head. “I know this is totally outside the realm of possibility in your world, but I'm not interested in dating, like, at all.”
“You're right, I think you’re crazy.” She's chewing on her thumbnail while watching me. “Does this have to do with this phobia thing you have? Because, seriously, there must be some kind of drug for that.”
“It’s not that.” Mainly, I think, because the phobia she's talking about doesn't exist, at least not in the way she thinks it does.
“My priorities are just different than yours. Not,” I add hastily before she can get offended. “that there's anything wrong with your priorities. They just aren't mine.”
“Ok. So he asked you out weeks ago and you said no. What does that have to do with the frat party and you avoiding him? Because I'm totally lost still.”
Her cell phone chimes from her book bag, the tone indicating that she has a new text message. She leans over and drags the bag up off the floor as it chimes three more times in rapid succession. She pulls it out of a side pocket on her bag just as it stops chiming and starts actually ringing.
Coles face lights up the screen. I know my eyes are wide when she looks up at me. She hesitates for just a second before she accepts the call.
“Hey, Cole.” She watches me the entire time she's talking to him. I can hear his voice from where I'm sitting, but I can't quite make out what he's saying.
“No, she's okay,” he says something else that I can't understand and then Grace inserts. “She's on her period and she's having horrible cramps.”
“Grace!” I cry. “Don't tell him that!”
She covers the bottom of the phone with one hand. “Would you rather I tell him the truth?” She hisses. “Which is that you're a chicken, by the way.”
“Hey!”
“What, Cole?” She drops her hand and then sticks out her tongue at me as I glare at her. “No, she should be better by tonight. Okay. Yup.” She's nodding her head to whatever he’s telling her.
“Okay, we'll see you then.”
“Who will see who when?” I ask when she drops the phone on my bed. I'm afraid I already know the answer.
“We're going to their place for dinner tonight.”
“What? No! I can't go to his place for dinner tonight. Are you crazy?”
“No, but you are. Now, tell me the rest, because I know there's more.”
“It’s not important.” She just stares at me, to the point that I start to fidget under her gaze.
“Okay, so, I maybe, sorta, almost kissed him after the Mark thing.”
She gasps, and I know she's over exaggerating her reaction. “What about your priorities? You slut.”
“Don't mock me. It would have been a big moment for me.” I couldn't explain exactly how big of a moment, not even to myself. I sigh heavily, picking at the string on my bedspread again. “I thought he was still interested in me, but I obviously was mistaken. He couldn't get out of the room fast enough.” I snap the string off entirely and ball it up in my hands. “So now I feel like an idiot.”
“Okay, just so we’re clear, do you or do you not want to kiss my brother?”
“I do.” Because, honestly, why lie about it? I can see the smile start to cross her mouth so I quickly add, “But I'm not going to.”
She isn't happy with that, I can tell. “Not that it matters anyway,” I add. “I lost my chance.”
She studies me closely for a few more minutes, and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head. Finally she says, “Okay, here's what we're going to do. We are going to blow off the rest of our classes today.”
She stands up and slides her feet back into her shoes.
“We are?”
“We are.” Nodding her head she drops down and shimmies under my bed, popping up seconds later with my flip flops. She hands them to me. “We are going to go to the nearest ice cream place to gorge ourselves on ice cream while I tell you embarrassing stories about Cole.”
She smiles. “Think of it as leveling the playing field. You'll both have something to be embarrassed about, and your embarrassment will be canceled out by his embarrassment.”
“I don't think it works that way.”
“Sure it does,” she says cheerfully. “And then I'll explain the very fragile male ego to you. It'll explain a lot.”
Chapter Ten
Hours later I feel no more prepared to face him than before. Grace had managed to do nothing more than take my mind off of everything for a little while by telling me funny stories about the three of them growing up together. After we left the ice cream place, I’d made her go back to our room before heading to Cole’s place.
I’d spent the afternoon in a pair of yoga
pants with a CMU shirt, and that wasn't how I wanted to face him. God help me, Grace was turning me into a clothes fanatic. But even though I wanted to look a little more put together, I still wanted to be comfortable, so I'd chosen loose faded jeans, with rips at the knees, and I had paired them with a simple blue V-neck shirt made of the softest material I'd ever worn.
I'd left my hair in the lose braid, the tail of it falling over my shoulder.
“I think I'm going to throw up.”
“That's just because you ate your weight in ice cream this afternoon.”
We're sitting in her car in front of the townhouse. I shift to look at her. “Yeah, that wasn't your best idea.”
Grace just laughs. “Ice cream is always a good idea when you're moping.”
“I'm not moping. Did you just snort?”
She shakes her head, but she has to hold her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. I watch as she struggles to get herself under control. “I'm so glad you're enjoying this.”
“Del, you have no idea. Now, can we go inside please? I'm starving.”
“How can you be starving? You ate more ice cream than I did.”
Grace just shrugs and slides out of the car. I force myself to follow her. We just reach the door when it opens in front of us, and my stomach clenches for a second and then relaxes as Ally stands there to greet us.
“Hey, y’all. Perfect timing, Cole and Holden just got the grill started.” She hugs Grace quickly and then her arms close around me. Even after being around this crowd for nearly three months, I am still not used to how affectionate they are with each other. “How are you feeling? Cole said you were sick.”
“She just has her period,” Grace says before sailing past Ally and into the house.
“Grace!” I hiss. “Would you stop saying that?”
“I get the absolute worse cramps.” Ally is telling me as we step into the house. “Holden runs for the hills when I get my period because there's nothing he can do to help me but that doesn't seem to keep me from getting mad at him for not helping.” She guides me over to the loveseat. “Here sit down for a bit, you look pale. Can I get you anything?”
I doubt she has a storage of courage to spare so I just shake my head no. Grace comes back in from the kitchen with a bag of chips and a beer. She sits in the chair next to me and holds the bag of chips out towards me.
“Want some?”
“Are you serious right now? I still have seventy pounds of ice cream sitting on my stomach.”
She just shrugs her shoulders and leans back in the chair. I listen halfheartedly as she and Ally start to talk about upcoming midterms. All I can think about is what I’m going to say, or rather, what I’m not going to say, to Cole.
I hear the back door open and I tense again as I pick out Robby’s and Cole’s voices coming through the kitchen. Seconds later they're in the doorway to the living room and Cole’s eyes immediately land on me. I wish I could sink into the loveseat’s cushions.
“Well, look who it is,” Robby says with a smile. He lumbers over towards me. “Feeling better?”
“Yes, thanks.” I could kill Grace and her stupid story about why I haven't been in class.
“Next time, maybe say something, huh?”
I make a non-committal sound in my throat, and I’m thankful when Robby focuses his attention on Grace and her bag of chips and leaves me alone.
Of course, that leaves me Cole to contend with. He hasn't moved all the way into the room yet, but is leaning against the wall between the kitchen/dining area and the living room with his arms crossed over his chest. He’s watching me carefully, and I begin to bounce my leg as the nerves become too much.
My mouth has gone ridiculously dry and I desperately wish I had asked Ally for a drink.
Why does he have to be so damn gorgeous?
And why do I have to be so damned screwed up?
I swallow several times, trying to wet my throat while willing the tears to stay away. Because me blubbering like an idiot would just add a whole new layer of fun to this whole situation.
I risk looking at him again, hoping he isn't still watching me, and find that he's nodding his head in Robby's direction, and since I hadn't heard Robby ask him a question, I can only assume he his sending him some sort of signal. Right on cue I hear Robby say, “Hey, Al, Holden wants to know if you can help him outside for a minute.”
“Why didn't you say something when you first came in, Robby?”
He manages to look sheepish, shrugging his huge shoulders. “I was distracted by chips. Did you know Grant was outside?” He directs that question to Grace, but his eyes sweep over me as he turns in her direction, and the look he gives me confirms that he and Cole had this planned.
“Really?” Grace bounces up. “I didn't think he was going to make it till later.”
With a very unsympathetic look in my direction she follows Ally out the back door. So now it's just the three of us sitting there.
“Well,” Robby finally says, “I could use some more chips.”
I glare at him as he passes back by me. “Is that seriously the best excuse you could come up with?”
He just laughs as he heads out the back door.
Cole doesn't move into the living room right away, but stays leaning against the wall, studying me with those intense navy blue eyes.
I force my knee to stop bouncing. But the stillness unnerves me so I start tapping one finger on my knee.
“So you're feeling better?” he finally speaks, moving into the room.
I swallow again before answering. “You know that’s not why I wasn’t in class.”
This makes him smile, though not enough to bring out the dimples. “I wondered if you'd admit it or not.”
I shrug. “It's not like you don't already know. She was just trying to help me out, so don't be pissed at her.”
“I'm not pissed at Grace.”
“Really? Because that's not the impression she got when you dragged her out of her class this morning and yelled at her.”
He sits next to me on the loveseat, even though there are plenty of other seats available. His knee brushes against my leg, and my entire body heats up at the small contact.
“So, you want to tell me what happened?”
“I guess no isn't really an option, is it?”
I can't bring myself to look at him, so I'm studying a small stain on the floor likes it’s a priceless piece of art.
“I just don't understand why you're avoiding me, Del. I mean, if anything, I should be avoiding you. I was an ass.”
I blink, looking away from my new favorite stain and up and into his eyes. “What?”
“In the frat house,” he runs a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. “I know I didn’t handle it very well, but honest to God, Del, I knew if I didn't get out of that room I was going to kiss you. And you were still several shades away from your normal color, and I kept picturing your hand on that can of beer, holding it almost like a weapon.” He shakes his head. “I didn't want you to regret it later and think I had just taken advantage of the situation and then have you hating me.”
The loveseat shifts when he reaches out and touches my face, just a brush of his fingers along my jaw. We study each other for a couple of seconds before he says, “Do you have any idea what you looked like when I first saw you? You were so pale I should have been able to see right through you. And you damn near spilled the water because your hands were shaking so badly.”
