Armageddon Rules

by J. C. Nelson

  Ari came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “Is that better or worse than an apocalypse?”

  Grimm nodded side to side, thinking for a moment. “It’s hard to say, young lady. The situation hasn’t occurred within my memory.”

  I planned on telling him I’d take maybe over definitely any day. I planned on taking my fiancé and going to kill a demon. Unfortunately, the front window picked that exact moment to explode in a hurricane of glass.

  A snakelike head the size of a trash can poked through the window, looking at each of us, before locking onto Ari. It snapped forward, striking at her, and bounced to one side as she summoned a wall of purple power.

  “I don’t get why you are so afraid of her.” Liam stood up, unbuttoning his shirt.

  Ari’s body exploded into fire that leaped out from her, lancing through the eye of the snake demon.

  “Or maybe I do. Impressive.” Liam walked forward, the skin on his chest growing bright red with each step.

  “Hellfire won’t harm them,” said Grimm. A shard of glass had split his mirror, giving us two of him, and an echo.

  In answer, Liam put his hand on the snake’s jaw, tearing off one side. The head recoiled into the darkness, and Liam ran out the front door after it.

  “Preemptive strike?” I glanced back at Grimm.

  Grimm shook his head. “Have you been respectful and businesslike in your conversations with Malodin? Or given him reason to hate you?”

  I blushed like a schoolkid caught by the principal. “A little.”

  Svetlana suddenly registered that Liam had slipped out the front door. “Excuse me. I cannot allow harm to my liege.” She hopped to the broken window, nimble as a bird, then out of it, disappearing into the darkness.

  Outside, cars crunched and glass broke as something else approached. Grimm tilted his head to indicate the window. “They cannot harm Marissa, as signatory to their contract. On the other hand, you two,” he looked at Ari and Wyatt, “are under no such protection.”

  “What about your mirror?” I expected Grimm to at least care about that.

  He nodded to me calmly. “Let them try to break the mirror of a fully powerful Fairy Godfather. I am the reason most of the old stories exist. Let them try.” His confidence would have warmed me, if not for the fact that his mirror was in my bathroom, in my apartment, where my security deposit was at risk.

  “We need to get to Mum’s home. It is safe from demons.” Wyatt spoke with surprising confidence, considering what he’d seen. And he was right. From outside came a roar I’d heard every time Liam smashed his thumb with a hammer, followed by the sound of more breaking glass.

  “You’ll never cross the city. I’ve checked the auguries, and this is more like the opening salvo of a war than a surgical strike. Better to hole up here and defend yourselves. Not even Evangeline could get you from here to Mrs. Pendlebrook’s house.” Grimm almost sounded unsure.

  Evangeline. My mentor. Almost big sister, sometimes friend. I still kept a set of her knives in my office, though I’d never be her. “Grimm, I need to make a phone call.”

  He glared at me like I’d demoted him to telephone operator. “Does your cell no longer work? There’s a reason I use bracelets.”

  “I need to call into Kingdom. I have to get ahold of someone at the post office.” The stares I got from around the room made it clear how crazy I sounded. I went to Ari’s bathroom and placed my call, completely ruining the gnomes’ last evening of fun. When I came back, Ari and Larry stood at the broken window, firing bolts into the darkness from time to time.

  “Help is on the way.” I pulled my gun out of my purse, then put it back. Bullets weren’t going to harm these things, and I couldn’t waste a drop of sweat on anything less than Malodin, anywhere it wouldn’t kill him for good. “You have any holy water?”

  Larry smoked, his eyes glowing orange. “Why exactly would I have holy water? Unholy water, sure. Holy water? Do you have any idea what that would do to me?”

  “Do you have any mustard?” Ari hated mustard. I’d never find any in her fridge.

  Shadows flashed up the stairs, and Liam exploded into the living room. His hair smoked, his skin had scales all over where he used the curse for strength. “They just don’t stop. First couple were easy. That last one nearly killed me.” He grinned at Svetlana. “I owe you one.”

  I didn’t care for how she smiled at him. It wasn’t the double-D chest, or the curve of her hips, or her flawless complexion. It was how she looked at him, like a puppy dog. If she wanted a dog, when I found Beth, I’d get her one all right.

  “Our ride will be here any moment.” I looked out at the darkness, where all the streetlights went off at once.

  “Tell me you didn’t call a cab. I seem to have used up most of my dragon juice, or I’d fly you there.” Liam’s concern almost hurt.

  “Not exactly.” In the distance, another demon roared. Then another, closer and closer, so loud the glass shards on the floor rattled. Burst of flames lit the night, coming from the—wait. Coming from the headlights. With a crash and a crunch, a monster truck rolled up, destroying what was left of the front fence.

  The window rolled down, and a small round face stuck out.

  “Petri!” I ran out the front door, heedless of the danger in the dark. “I have a new game for you. My friends need to get to a safe house. Demons are worth points. People aren’t. Oh, and the demons will try to kill you along the way.”

  A second monster truck pulled up behind Petri. I ushered Wyatt and Ari into it, then called Liam.

  “I’m staying with you.” He put his hands on my cheeks, and I ignored the rough scales.

  “They can’t harm me. Get Ari and Wyatt to his mother’s house. They’ll be safe there. Please.” I saw the look in his eyes. The protest rising in him. “Please.”

  Liam climbed up into the cab, pushing Wyatt over and slammed the door. “When they are safe, I’m coming to join you.”

  The monster truck rolled backwards, squashing a compact car and a station wagon, then roared off into the night, smashing down a demon as it did.

  I climbed up into Petri’s cab and fastened my seatbelt. “I need a ride to a jewelry store. I need to get there as fast as I can. Any demons that get in our way, feel free to kill.”

  In answer, Petri revved the accelerator and peeled out, leaving a trail of destruction behind us.

  Thirty-Eight

  THE SHEER NUMBER of demons that little gnome managed to run over astounded me. Also, the way they meandered down the streets, pulling down the occasional power line, breaking out a window here and there. Like an advance tailgating party, they couldn’t wait to start trashing the place.

  When we pulled up at the Small Wonders jewelry store, I slapped the hood. “One more thing I need your help with.”

  With Petri’s help, I lashed the winch on his truck to the metal bars. When he hit the accelerator, I was several stores down, expecting the door to fly off. He damn well near took off the front of the building. I strode inside, oblivious to the alarms, and grabbed a mirror from the case. “Grimm, need the code to the safe.”

  “In your purse, take out the flashing disk inside, attach to the wheel on the door.” Grimm spoke rapid fire, expecting me to run, and I did. “Now, get to a safe distance.”

  “So how does it figure out what the right combination is?” I knelt on the ground, behind a parked truck.

  The explosion that rippled out left my ears ringing, and a ball of blue light imprinted on my eyes.

  “It’s a delicate matter,” said Grimm from one of the few unbroken windows.

  I grabbed a mirror shard and ran for the elevator, stepping over the molten edges of metal that remained. After Petri’s driving, the freefall elevator actually served to refresh me. Like a rollercoaster to hell, in the most literal sense possible.

  I ran through the forge, passing a trio of startled dwarves, and crawled down their tunnel. “You with me?” I waited for Grimm’s answer.


  “Only until you enter the room. I can act as an observer inside, but cannot aid you, my dear.” Grimm’s eyes were the only thing visible in the fragment of mirror.

  “I’m guessing blessing and curse won’t be too helpful either.”

  “If they can enter the room at all, they are forbidden to interfere. Malodin will be under no such restraint.”

  “I’m going to get him in the summoning circle and kill him with the vial of sweat. Even a demon can’t escape there. Whatever comes next, Malodin won’t be around to see it or take part in it.” I reached into my purse, hefting the vial.

  “My dear, before you enter, I want to tell you something. If the apocalypse occurs, I have arranged a safe haven for Rosa and her family. While it is built for eight, it will handle nine. If you desire, I will arrange passage for you.” Grimm’s tone spoke of defeat.

  “And Liam? Ari?”

  “I’m sorry, my dear.”

  “I’d rather die in hell with Liam than live without him. When this goes sideways, you can bet I’ll find them.” I slipped the mirror into my pocket and walked toward the room, with thirty minutes left until the end of the world.

  Honestly, the last thing I expected was an audience. I threw open the door and found the dealing room changed. An outer ring of crystal grew like stalagmites around an inner circle, with the dealing table at the center. Around the outside of the room stood the oddest assortment of observers I’d ever encountered.

  Nickolas Scratch lounged against the wall, a copy of the paper rolled up under his arm. “Marissa! So good to see you.” He walked over and patted me on the shoulder. “Came to see my boy perform. It’s like a choir performance, only less evil.”

  Beside him, Eli, archangel of the city, sat. He nodded in my direction, then went back to whispering to Nickolas and laughing.

  Next to them stood the harbingers, including Famine, in his grossly overweight form. I walked around the outside to where Death stood. I nodded to him. “Hi.”

  “Marissa. You don’t have much time left for pleasantries.” Death remained an asshole, even to the end.

  “Good to see you too.” I nodded to War and Pestilence and tried to prepare myself for killing Malodin. It wasn’t like I hadn’t killed before. I’d ventilated more imps than I could count, but normally that was because they were intent on removing my skull.

  Even the Gray Man I didn’t walk in intending to kill. It wasn’t part of who I was.

  “You have the look of someone getting ready to kill.” War’s voice startled me almost as much as his recognition. If it were truly that obvious, my plan wouldn’t work.

  “I’d rather not.”

  “You need to get in touch with yourself. Figure out what you are.” He patted me on the back, his hands so thick, they thudded against me.

  “I’m not a killer.” I hoped my voice didn’t shake as much as my hands.

  “You don’t know what you are, lady, until you are forced to find out.” I kept my eyes closed until he lumbered away. I reached into my purse, looking for a pack of tissues, and came out with that blasted contract, the large version of which still sat on the dealing table.

  “The signer shall call down the demon apocalypse at the appointed time.” I crinkled the contract into a ball, cursing myself for ever touching the quill. Just as my lawyer had warned me, every bit of help he gave came with consequences.

  I’d unleashed Grimm’s power, but that meant the Black Queen grew stronger as well. Ari wound up marked forever as a witch, because she saved me, and pulling her out of a coma had meant bringing in a prince. Liam survived Mihail’s assassins, but now his curse was stronger than ever.

  At least I could take comfort in making this the lousiest end of the world ever. I’d unleashed sorry excuses for plagues, and not in the manner Malodin intended.

  If it turned out to be true, that as the apocalypse bringer, I was immune to the devastation, I’d make my life’s mission heading straight to Inferno and bringing down an apocalypse on the demons too.

  When the idea hit me, it almost left me seeing stars.

  I reached into my purse and pulled out the mirror shard. Grimm appeared, called by my very thought, but I stopped. Too many ears. Too many eyes, and my one slim chance, I couldn’t risk. I ran for the door, bolting out as a plume of smoke and a smell like a freezer of rotten meat announced Malodin’s arrival.

  “Liam.” I put my hand on my bracelet, and felt us connect.

  “M, they’re safe. You won’t believe what it’s like outside though. Where are you?” Liam sounded out of breath, or maybe out of fire.

  I gave him the address of the jewelry store. “But I need you to swing by Ari’s house on the way. I need you to bring me something.”

  “That’s not on the way, M. If the world ends, I want to be there with you.” I’d hurt him by asking him to waste precious time on a side trip, but if my gambit worked, I could make it up to him for the next fifty years. I tried not to think about what would happen if it didn’t.

  “I’m coming.” He broke the link.

  One text message later, I stepped back in the room. Malodin grinned, his eyes wide with glee. “Handmaiden, it is nearly time.”

  I nodded, checking my phone again. “You’ll get your apocalypse, right on schedule. Not one minute early.” I paced the outer ring of the dealing room, ignoring the stares of the harbingers as I passed.

  “You are wasting time.” Malodin walked over to gloat before Nickolas Scratch.

  As the minutes passed, my nervous tick grew to an outright tremor. Maybe the lights were out. Maybe traffic made crossing the city, well, normal. Right when I wanted to puke from panic, the oaken door burst open, and Liam stumbled through it. Svetlana held him against her, keeping him upright and earning my ire at the same time.

  “Liam!” I shouted, running to him.

  He pushed away from Svetlana and collapsed on the ground, coughing and shaking. I cursed myself again for what I’d asked him to do. Black smoke began to ooze from his pores as he gasped and choked, until Larry the Lich floated before me. Larry changed. The gray rags threaded back together into a polyester suit, while plump oozed out to cover the lich’s bones. If this was how Larry looked in life, I understood why he preferred the bony look.

  “Always dress appropriately for court.” Larry looked at Nick Scratch and Eli. “I need a few minutes to confer with my client.” He glanced at me. “Give the mirror to your boyfriend, his babe, and have them take a seat.”

  I pressed the shard into Liam’s hand and helped him hobble to the wall, where he slumped, still gasping for breath.

  Larry took me by the elbow, leading me to the edge of the circle. “That curse and my possession don’t get along. Much longer and he’d have dropped dead on the way.”

  “I know, but I needed you here. I have an idea . . .” We huddled in the corner as I explained my plan. It wasn’t a good plan, but I’ll take a bad plan over no plan any day. When my cell phone alarm went off, I broke the huddle and walked forward into the center ring. Behind me, crystals grew from the ground, sealing me inside.

  “Give me a moment.” Malodin turned around and waved his hand. A new figure shimmered into view seated on the outside of the ring.

  Mihail. She’d been there who knows how long.

  “She wanted to see this, and I deserve to have a few guests of my own.” Malodin waved to her, his crazed grin matching the wild look in her eyes. “I demand that you complete your part of the bargain. Bring forth the apocalypse, handmaiden.”

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Fine. I call down the agreed apocalypse. Let it begin.”

  The earth shook, shuddering like a door the size of a continent swung open somewhere in the depths of hell. Malodin fell to his knees, laughing and thrusting his fists into the air. “At last! At last I have the end.”

  Nickolas Scratch continued to read his newspaper. “You want to see something evil?” Eli leaned over and the two conversed, then started laughing.<
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  Malodin leaped to the side of the ring, waving for the Adversary’s attention. “Bring forth thine armies of destruction, Father. Blacken the skies with demon wing and let the stone catch fire.”

  Larry flicked the crystal barrier separating him from us, making it ring like a bell. “Might I ask what you are doing?”

  Malodin leered at him. “Beginning my dearly earned destruction of the world.”

  “Not here you aren’t.” Larry crossed his arms and shook his head.

  “Begone, weak spirit of wrath, and I won’t send a swarm of hell flies to tear you to shreds.”

  Larry didn’t as much as flinch. “We have a contract, and you’ll abide by it. The contract says you may bring about the demon apocalypse.”

  Malodin fell silent for a moment. “I’m a demon. All my armies are demons. Our families are demons. Our pets are little demons.”

  Larry shrugged. “It clearly says here that you can bring about the demon apocalypse. So go ahead. Go back to Inferno and bring apocalypse down on all the demons there.”

  “That’s not what that means.”

  “Really? Don’t we say ‘A plague of locusts’? Wouldn’t that mean the right term is an apocalypse of demons?”

  “That’s not what it means.” Malodin’s voice wavered.

  Larry dusted his hands off. “I disagree. I’m going to move to bring this up before the Authority.”

  “Impossible! She won’t convene court until Judgment Day. Not really a point in having an apocalypse if the world has already ended.” Malodin managed to both shriek and whine.

  “That’s not really my client’s problem. This contract is on hold until it can be mediated.”

  Nick folded up his paper. “I think we’re done here. Eli, nice seeing you. Marissa, you have my number. Mal, we need to talk later.”

  “Stop!” Irina Mihail screamed, pulling at her own hair until chunks came out. “I promised you wrath, Marissa. Wrath you will receive.” Placing her finger in her mouth, she bit until the flesh crunched, then scratched a bloody signature on the crystal. “I offer you a new deal, demon. My soul for her destruction.”