Breaking The Mold

by Drew Sera

  I shouldn’t have called out to them. As much of assholes as they are, I shouldn’t have disrupted them with the care of the submissive.

  I knew better. I’m starting to lose control.

  I was beyond irked that Everett and Graves took that girl to sub-space when I hadn’t. They weren’t better than me.

  I looked down at Amy and saw the sadness in her eyes. Shit. I wondered for a moment if she put anything together about my recent visits to Irons without her. Bracken was my go-to masochist that I’d scene with when I came alone. Amy was smart, but I’m not sure if she put any of that together. I had told her I was attending study groups for my re-certification exam but really, I was visiting Irons.

  When we pulled up to the house, I noticed a car that was parked in front of my house. It was a junky car and stuck out like a sore thumb in the neighborhood. After I parked in the garage, I slowly walked out to the driveway and tried to get a closer look at the car. As I walked down the driveway the door opened, casting light inside the car.

  “Amy, go inside,” I said over my shoulder and then returned my attention to the mystery person.

  “Paul?” the man called out in a familiar voice.

  I squinted in the darkness at the man. Johnny?

  “Johnny? Is that you?” I asked as I hurried toward him.

  “Hey, Paul. Good to see you, brother,” Johnny managed to get out right before a terrible sounding cough took over.

  “What are you doing here? Come on inside out of the wind,” I insisted and walked into the house with my brother.

  Under the lights inside, I could tell that he was sick again. I guided him to the couch, and Amy put some coffee on. After I introduced Johnny to Amy, I cut to the chase of his visit. He was obviously here for something, and I was surprised he had driven this far alone.

  “Johnny, what’s going on? Showing up unannounced isn’t like you, plus it’s such a long drive.”

  Johnny looked down and then back at me. He wore a smile that barely turned upward at the corners of his mouth. He looked as calm as could be.

  “I’m dying, Paul.”

  I shook my head and cocked a smile.

  “Technically everyone is dying each day. With every breath, they are inching closer to their own demise. You’re not—”

  “Paul, listen to me. This is it, man. It’s back again, and I am tired of fighting.”

  “No!” I stood up and paced around my living room. “So, you decide to drive to town and tell me goodbye? Is that it?”

  “Paulie, I’m so tired of fighting.”

  “Fuck you! You don’t get to throw in the goddamn towel!”

  “Calm down, Paul.”

  “How did this happen? Just like, overnight? There’s still time and options. We have plenty of options!”

  “Couple of months ago, my blood test showed that it was back—”

  “A couple of months ago?” I yelled. “Johnny, you’ve had the news for a few months, and you haven’t told me? Why the fuck not?”

  “Because! I’m tired of living in and out of hospitals!”

  “You are living!”

  “No, I’m not, Paulie. I’m not living. I’m existing. Barely. My clock is about up.”

  I flopped back down on the couch next to him. My world was falling apart.

  “I’m tired, Paul.”

  I was shocked. My brother’s cancer was back, and he’s not going to do a goddamn fucking thing. After a long silence, I threw my arms up in the air.

  “So, what’s the plan, Johnny? Just give up?”

  “I’m trying to do the things that I’ve wanted to do. I’ll continue to take the medicine to prolong my life, but I’m not going to undergo any more surgeries.”

  My eyes perked up. He wasn’t giving up completely. He just didn’t want any more operations.

  “How long are you in town?”

  “Just overnight. I’m driving back tomorrow. I just wanted to see you again just in case something happens unexpectedly.”

  Amy stood up, and my eyes immediately went to hers.

  “I’m going to turn in for the evening and let you guys talk.” Amy gave me a kiss and turned to look at my brother. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Johnny. J.P. speaks of you often.”

  “Ha, don’t believe anything he tells you,” Johnny winked at her.

  We watched Amy leave the room and then Johnny spoke up.

  “She seems like a great woman. This is the author chick?”

  “Yeah,” I replied as my stomach began turning.

  “She knows about your kinks?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “She does. She’s very tolerant and loving.”

  We stayed up talking until two in the morning and then I retreated to my room so he could get some sleep before his long drive tomorrow. Amy was asleep, but there was no chance in hell that I’d be able to sleep. I stayed awake worrying, and once it was a decent enough hour, I called my other brother to see what his take on this was.

  “I’m not happy about it either, Paul, but we have to respect his wishes.”

  “His wish to die? Fuck that, Jay. We’re family.”

  “I know that, but he says he’s done with the operations. Did he mention to you the surgery that his doctor thinks he’d be a good candidate for?”

  I sat up straighter and thought back to our conversation last night.

  “No, what surgery?”

  “Apparently there is a surgery that could add years to his life.”

  “Why wouldn’t he bring it up?” I asked.

  “Cost, Paul. It’s ungodly.”

  “This is his life, Jay! Cost shouldn’t be associated with life.”

  “Well, know any rich people?”

  A few came to mind.

  “I will get the money,” I promised. “How much can you contribute?” I asked my brother and grabbed a notepad next to the bed.

  “I can’t, Paul. We’ve had layoffs at work, and I could be next. I’ve already gone through our savings—”

  I tossed my pen down.

  “This is our brother’s life. We’re not going to let him down.”

  “Paul, he doesn’t want it.”

  “Maybe he’s saying he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t think it’s possible. We can pool our resources like always—”

  “No, Paul. I can’t.”

  Enraged, I hung up on him. When Amy wrapped her arm around me, I explained what Jay said on the phone.

  “I’m not giving up on Johnny, and I’m not letting him give up,” I swore to her.

  “Maybe we can figure something out. We can consider selling my car. I don’t really need it anymore,” Amy offered.

  My heart felt lighter.

  “You would consider doing that?” I asked.

  “Of course. He’s your brother.”

  “I love you, Amy. Thank you, princess.”

  I pulled her closer and kissed her hard. Even though her Audi was a few years old, I’m sure we could still get at least $20,000 for it.

  While Amy got dressed, I went to the kitchen and started breakfast while Johnny kept me company. I told him that I talked to Jay this morning and that I was going to get him the money for surgery.

  “What?” he asked me as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying.

  “I will get the money.”

  “Paul, the waiting list for that surgery is extensive. There are only a few surgeons that perform it.”

  “Then you better get on the list, Johnny.”

  “They require a partial payment upfront.”

  Of course, they fucking do. I didn’t voice it, but when did health care become a fucking business instead of a humanitarian effort?

  Over breakfast, we talked a bit more about the surgery that I knew nothing about. And it was then that I discovered something that made me completely lose my appetite…his cancer had spread to his brain. This is why the surgery was so expensive and why only a few surgeons did this kind of operation.

&
nbsp; For the rest of the conversation, I slowly sipped coffee. Slow sips were all that I could do. But for the first time in the past twelve hours, I saw hope in my brother’s eyes. I put that hope there, and I wasn’t going to be the one to take it away either.

  I hugged my brother before he got into his car and I flat out refused a long goodbye. This wasn’t going to be the last time I saw him. I’d get the money for his surgery, and he’d make it.

  “I will wire you the down payment tomorrow when the banks open. Get your name on the list, Johnny.”

  Amy and I waved as he drove away and then I put my mind to work on coming up with a plan to get the money. The first call I placed was to Blake.

  Chapter Twenty

  May 2013

  Amy

  Selling my Audi to help save the life of J.P.’s brother was an easy decision. I didn’t need a car, and the money for selling it would hopefully be enough of the partial payment that was needed for Johnny to get on the waiting list.

  I suggested putting an ad in the newspaper, but J.P. said we just needed to unload it quickly, so we took it to one of the car dealerships that bought cars from private parties and cut the check to you right then. I understood why J.P. preferred this plan. We were there at 10:00 when they opened, and my car was appraised.

  By noon we left with a check in hand for $26,000. I felt so good about being able to make such a dent in their upcoming medical costs. We were going to the bank and deposit it and then do the wire, but J.P. thought the bank would possibly put a hold on the funds. Instead, we cashed the check and then went to Western Union and set up the wire.

  J.P. was going to speak with his manager today and see if he could pick up some extra shifts to help with the costs for his brother. While he was at work, I called Samantha and filled her in on everything.

  “So, I’m trying to help him with the cash flow. Since I don’t have a book coming out anytime soon, I’m going to have to put our payment arrangement on hold, Sam.”

  “Aw, Aims don’t worry about it. I love working with you and won’t stop.”

  “No, Sam, you don’t get it. I can’t pay you for a while. I need every drop of disposable income to help J.P.”

  “I know, I heard you. But just because you can’t pay me doesn’t mean that I will stop working for you, Amy. You have a huge heart, and I think it’s great that you’re helping J.P. I’m sure he is grateful.”

  My silence didn’t go undetected by Sam though, and the questions came out but gently.

  “Why are you so quiet, Aims? You don’t think J.P. is grateful?”

  “I do. That’s not it.”

  “Then what?” she asked.

  “Sometimes I feel as though I’m not who he really wants to be with.”

  There I said it out loud.

  “Amy why? The man followed you around all over the country, attending your book events just to see you. He loves you.”

  “I’m not enough for him. I think he might be playing with women on the side.”

  “What?” Samantha laughed.

  I told her about our trip to Irons a few nights ago and about the other girl and the near run-in with Anthony Graves.

  “Anthony is the guy with the scar, right?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed.

  “The guy with the scar that J.P. has a thing for?”

  “Yeah, but I’m not sure if that’s still there. But the girl—”

  “So, the girl you think J.P. is beating on the side was playing with the Irons Casanovas?”

  I put my head in my hands. The way she was repeating it made me feel like she was probably right and that I’ve lost my mind.

  But I’m an author…and my mind wanders and travels all on its own.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  May 2013

  J.P.

  As I approached the restaurant that Blake said he would meet me at, I realized I was more nervous than I thought I’d be. And maybe it was because this wasn’t a game or a play scene or anything irrelevant like that. This was about my brother’s life.

  I didn’t like to bring my personal life into Irons or to those in it. And even though I called this meeting, I was still going to try and avoid bringing up Johnny specifically. I knew this would be a difficult meal with Blake, mostly because our relationship has been on the rocks for years. A lot had changed between us, and I was hoping to steer clear of the mention of Anthony Graves. He’s the reason our relationship was strained, and if Blake brings him up, then my chances of getting any money would be lost.

  The hostess showed me to the table where Blake was already waiting. Blake stood to greet me, and a waiter was at our table before I could sit down.

  “May I get you something to drink, sir?” the waiter offered.

  I glanced at Blake’s glass of whiskey and asked for a beer.

  “How’s Amy?” Blake asked right out of the gate as soon as the waiter was gone.

  “She’s good. I’m working with her on her pain tolerance.”

  Blake didn’t say anything and looked away as he sipped from the glass.

  “I’m not going to delay this, Blake,” I sighed. “I need to talk to you about my membership dues that I just paid a few weeks ago.”

  Blake frowned and I could tell he was lost and trying to figure out what I was talking about.

  “Yes, your funds were received and cleared. What specifically were you concerned about regarding them?”

  I took a sip from my beer bottle and leaned back in my chair.

  “I need the funds back.”

  Blake sat emotionless for a moment.

  “Are you leaving Irons?” he asked.

  I smiled, though I’m sure he’d like that.

  “No, I’m not leaving Irons. Irons is everything to me, Blake. You know that.”

  “I’m confused. Can you please feed me everything you came here to say instead of partial thoughts?”

  Damn, why was he such a dick to me? I reminded myself to keep calm. It was for my brother.

  “I’m sorry, Blake. Someone in my family is ill, and they need a very costly surgery—”

  “One of your brothers?” he asked gently, interrupting me.

  I nodded. Of course, Blake knew everything about everyone. He had eyes and ears everywhere.

  “He’s on a waiting list for the surgery. At the rate that the list is moving, he should be up for it in late fall or early winter.” I leaned forward, gripping my beer bottle. “I’m not asking you for money, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m asking you to gift me a year of membership to Irons by giving me back my annual membership of twenty-five grand.”

  Blake picked up his glass and downed the rest of his whiskey.

  “How much is the surgery?” he asked.

  I took a deep breath and was thankful he hadn’t shot me down just yet.

  “It’s expensive. The surgery itself is over $100,000, and then on top of that there are the hospital fees and the anesthesiologist costs.”

  Blake whistled and shook his head.

  “Which brother is it?”

  As much as I didn’t want to talk more about it, I started to feel like it was my only shot with Blake.

  “Johnny. Not the oldest.”

  Blake nodded.

  “Johnny is the one you’re the closest with.” I nodded at his statement. “He’s the one that stood up for you when your parents found out about your kinks.” I nodded again, regretting that I ever told him about that. “He means a lot to you.”

  “Yes, Blake. He means…more than I can convey.”

  Blake nodded and picked up his menu. Soon, the waiter came by, took our orders and when he left, Blake switched conversations.

  “You should bring Amy to the club on Monday. She might enjoy spectating.”

  “Monday’s are Masochist Mondays, Blake.”

  “I know. Paul, there is more than one speed to you.”

  “I’m trying to get her there.”

  “Maybe she’s as far as she can go. And if
you truly love her, you will accept the speed that she can go.”

  “I need more, Blake.”

  Blake leaned back in his chair and shook his head at me.

  “You want more.”

  “No, you’re wrong. I need more.”

  We continued through our meal, and I prayed that nothing else came up that would make me angry. Otherwise the money I needed for my brother could go up in smoke. If I ever needed to exercise control, it was now.

  “Tell me, Paul. If Anthony walked through these doors and came over to you and asked you to administer beating sessions, but the tradeoff was that you had to leave Amy, would you?”

  “Yes.”

  I knew in my heart and gut that there was nothing I needed to think about or mull over. I’ve wanted that for years.

  Blake wiped his mouth and set his napkin on the table as he motioned for the waiter. When the waiter arrived, Blake handed him his card for the bill.

  “That’s my honest answer, Blake. You know how I feel about that. I could help him. He needs physical pain—”

  Blake cut me off and looked around.

  “I know it was your honest answer. I knew the answer before I even asked you the question. Now listen to me very closely; Anthony doesn’t need to have beating sessions. You put the notion in his head when he was in his early twenties and lost his father. You were planting a seed to your benefit. You were manipulating him. He will never step into a dungeon cell with you. Get it out of your head, Paul. Stop chasing that desire. It will never come to light. You will never have him in your grip,” Blake said quietly as he signed the credit card receipt before tossing the pen down.

  I gripped my pants and the knees under the table. I was so angry. How dare he tell me that Anthony would never be in my grip! How the hell did he know for sure? God, I wanted to stand up and punch Blake in the face for saying that to me.