by Ivy Smoak
"So that was her? Back at that house?"
I nodded. "She didn't even recognize me. Which is so hurtful because I can't ever forget her. I see her every time I look in the mirror. I have her eyes and her nose and I hate it so much. And I hate how much it hurts my dad that I look like her." God, my dad. I had failed.
"You're your own person, Hails. You're beautiful in spite of her."
I wiped away my tears and laughed. "I don't even know why I'm talking about that. It doesn't even matter. What's important is the fact that I haven't asked her for a damn thing in 15 years. And when I asked her for a loan, she just laughed at me and told me she was going to call the cops. She looked at me like I was trash that she had thrown out."
"How much money do you need? I can give you some money for the bar for a few months. I'm not going to be using it anyway."
"It's not even about the bar."
"Just tell me what you need. Let me help, Hails. I want to."
"You can't help. It's not that simple." I felt myself closing off again.
"Please, just let me in. Let me..."
"Why, so you can break my heart? So you can make me feel second best like my mom has my whole life? I don't even know why you came back. Why are you even here?"
"Because I care about you." He said it so earnestly that it made me start to cry again. "Please, Hails, let me help." He wiped away my tears with his thumb. "It seems pretty simple to me. I have some money saved up. I can give you a loan. I want to give you a loan."
"It's not just a small loan to pay the rent." I sniffed and wiped my eyes again. There was no reason not to tell him. It was a reality now. It was going to happen and I couldn't stop it. I had failed. "My dad's dying, Tyler." I hated saying it out loud. I hated that it was true. I hated that there was nothing I could do to save him.
Tyler lowered his eyebrows like it physically pained him to hear that.
"He has cancer. All that's left to try are these expensive experimental treatments." I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. "But insurance won't pay for them. He took out a loan against the bar and the house already." I shook my head. "And now we have my college loans on top of everything else. I wouldn't have done all this unless we were truly out of options."
"How much do you need?"
"The cheapest treatment is $20,000."
He nodded his head. "Okay. Well, let's go to a bank. I can get..."
"No. I'm not taking your money, Tyler."
"You wouldn't be taking it. I want to give it to you."
"I can't." I stood up.
He immediately stood up next to me. "Let me help you."
"I don't need your help!" I didn't mean to snap at him. But I didn't need his pity. "I don't need anyone's help." I turned to look out at the ocean.
"It's okay to rely on other people. You're not alone, Hails."
I shook my head. "Aren't I, though? My mother despises me. My father is dying. In a few months I'll be alone. My whole life I was too scared to let anyone in. And when I finally did let my guard down and dated my asshole of an ex, he cheated on me. With my best friend. So yes, actually, I will be alone. I have no one but my dad. That's it, Tyler." And I wanted you. You told me no. And it hurts so damn much.
"You have me."
"I don't have you. You've made that clear." It felt like I couldn't breathe again. "God, none of that even matters. I didn't get into your car to fall in love with you." The laugh that escaped my lips sounded strangled. "I did it to save my dad. I did it to face my fears and talk to my mom. And I failed on both accounts. She still made me feel like trash. And I didn't get the money. I failed." My lip trembled as I said the words. "He's going to die. It's my fault that he's going to die. It's my fault."
He pulled my face into his chest and let me cry again.
"It's all my fault," I mumbled into his chest.
"Hails, I'm sorry that you're in pain. I'm sorry that your dad is sick. If there is anything I can do..." his voice trailed off. "But it's not your fault. Don't put that blame on yourself. Don't make the situation darker than it needs to be. You've done everything you could."
His words just made me cry harder. "Stop saying nice things to me."
"Hailey..."
"You're not allowed to be sweet when you're kicking me to the curb." I couldn't seem to stop sobbing.
His hands seemed to tense on my back. "That's not what I'm doing. And I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to. I'm doing this for you."
"For me?" I shoved him off of me. "Maybe I blame myself for things I shouldn't, but own up to your own problems, Tyler. You're doing this for you."
He shook his head. "I'm trying to protect you..."
"Well don't!" I turned to face the ocean. I tried to concentrate on the sounds of the waves, but all I could focus on was my anger pulsing through me.
His hand on my shoulder made me flinch.
"Okay," he said slowly. "You're right."
I laughed. "Yeah, right. It's fine, Tyler. I'm used to being pushed away. So just go, okay? Please just go." I dug my heels into the sand. I needed something to ground me, because it felt like I was a million miles away. It felt like I was already grieving for my father, even though he was still alive. I couldn't do this. And I certainly didn't want to fall apart anymore in front of Tyler.
"No, Hails. I mean you're right about me. About everything. Maybe I was just trying to protect myself."
I tilted my head toward him. There was so much pain in his eyes. I could feel it wafting off of him. We were both drowning. We were both barely holding on. How could two people so broken possibly fix one another? What had I been thinking? But at the same time, I felt like clinging to him again. For some reason he was my lifeline. I wasn't sure I could keep going without him. My bottom lip started trembling again. "Tyler..."
"I think we should try this."
"What?"
"I don't want to say goodbye. No matter how many times I tell myself it's best if I walk away, I can't. I want to try to make this work."
I swallowed hard. I couldn't even comprehend what he was saying. He wants me? He's choosing me? "If you're doing this because you feel sorry for me..."
He grabbed both sides of my face. "I'm doing it because I'm selfish. I'm worried that if I walk away I'll lose myself. I need you. I'm falling in love with you, Hailey. I can't let you go. I'm done living my life with regret. You're what I want. And I know that I'm asking the world from you. Because I know how it feels to put your life on hold..."
I shook my head. "This is different." I placed my palm on the left side of his chest. "I would never break your heart, Tyler. I promise."
He grabbed my waist and pulled me against him. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating as his lips crashed down onto mine. He kissed me hard. But it wasn't filled with urgency. For the first time, it didn't feel like the end. It felt like the beginning.
Chapter 42
Tyler
Thursday
No one deserved to be dealt the hand Hailey was given. My blood was still boiling at the thought of her mother treating her that way. A part of me wanted to drive back there right now and tell her just what kind of girl she had given up. I wanted to defend Hailey. I wanted Hailey to know how wonderful she was. And I wanted to throw it in her mother's face. No kid should grow up thinking that they're second best. Especially not Hailey. She deserved the best. She deserved the whole world.
And, somehow, despite everything, Hailey was the kindest person I knew. She had such a big heart. She was able to look past all my flaws and see the best in me. I wasn't sure I deserved it, but I wanted to deserve her.
Hailey was right. About all of it. This whole time I had been telling myself I was protecting her. But that wasn't entirely true. I was scared of getting hurt again. I was scared of putting myself out there because rejection hurt so fucking much.
But Hailey wasn't Penny. Hailey was choosing me. Despite everything, the amazing girl in front of me was choosing me. And I wanted to be
better for her. I needed to be better for her.
I wasn't sure how long we stood there. I loved the feeling of her in my arms. If it was up to me, I'd stand in the middle of Venice Beach for the rest of my life. I'd stop time for her if I could. She sighed against my chest, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Hailey..."
She looked up at me. "Tyler."
I let myself get lost in her brown eyes. I let myself see a future. I let myself dive so deep that I would never break the surface again. My whole life I had been blind. Hailey Shaw was everything I had been missing. Everything. And I was done fighting it. I was done trying to protect myself from pain. Because what was the point? Bad things happened. And if you didn't embrace the good moments, the painful ones would swallow you whole. I was done drowning. I wanted anything she'd give me.
The ocean breeze made her hair dance across her face. I tucked the loose strands behind her ear as she smiled up at me. I wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay, but I couldn't force the words out of my mouth. Because I knew how hard it was to lose my dad. I knew how much it hurt. And I wasn't going to lie to her. But I also wasn't going to just do nothing. She needed to get back home to her father. She needed money. I'd help her with both, whether she wanted me to or not.
"What now?" she said as she stared up at me.
"Now you go home. And I..."
She put her finger against my lips. "No, not yet. Just for this one moment, let's be us. Uncomplicated, easy. I need something to hold on to." She shook her head. "For some reason you're the only person that makes me feel strong enough to deal with everything."
I pressed my lips together. I was already holding on to every moment of this trip. Her face was imprinted in my mind. And she was giving me strength to face my fears tomorrow. As much as I wanted to spend one more day together, though, I couldn't ask her to stay. I couldn't let her live with as much regret as I did. "I'm going to take you to the airport. You have to go home."
She lowered her eyebrows slightly. "I'm not ready."
"Hailey, you can't put it off. You need to be there when..."
"He dies?" Her voice wavered slightly. "You think I don't know that? I'm just asking for one day. Just one more day." She glanced toward the ocean. "He has four months to live. And I'm not giving up hope yet. This is a setback, but I'll find another way. I always find another way. I'll do whatever it takes. He's not going to die. I just need...one more day." She looked back up at me. "And we haven't even touched the Pacific Ocean yet."
Despite all that she was going through, there was still a twinkle in her eye. That playfulness made me follow her down to the water. I loved her optimism. I loved everything about her. But most of all, I loved that she made me feel like I wasn't missing any pieces anymore.
Her laughter made me smile as we stepped into the water.
"Jesus, it's freezing!" she squealed. She tried to run back toward the hot sand, but I wrapped my arms around her, keeping her in place.
"Is it everything you hoped it would be?"
"No! It's so cold!"
I laughed and released her from my grip.
"And, actually, it smells kinda weird." She retreated to the sand.
I shook my head. "That's how the ocean smells. Like salt."
Hailey scrunched up her nose. "It smells more like fish to me."
I laughed. "You know what? I have an idea. Come with me." I grabbed her hand and pulled her back toward the parking lot.
"Where are we going?" she asked as we walked past the car.
"I was hoping we'd wind up at Venice Beach. I was doing some research the other day about things to see here."
"And..." her voice trailed off as we sidestepped a skateboarder.
"And you'll see in a minute." We walked down the street and I pulled her off the sidewalk behind a building.
"Are you finally going to live up to the hitchhiking stereotypes and murder me?" Her fingers tightened around me, contradicting her words.
"Eh, not today. Wait," I said and turned her around to face me. "Close your eyes."
"Tyler, I don't think..."
"Just do it, Hails."
She pressed her lips together and shook her head at me. But after a brief stare-down she slowly closed her eyes.
"No peeking," I said as I grabbed her hand and led her past the building.
"Now I really am worried..."
I would have been in awe of what was in front of me if I wasn't completely in awe of Hailey. I stopped, grabbed her shoulders, and turned her toward the canals. "Okay...open your eyes."
"Oh my God." She seemed completely transfixed as she walked onto the small bridge. "What is this place?"
"The Venice canals. They made them to look like Venice, Italy." I joined her on the little bridge. She was looking out at the water, where more little bridges could be seen in the distance. Colorful houses were on either side of the canal. It was almost like we had stepped into a different world. And maybe time did stop for a minute, because the smile on Hailey's face would last a lifetime in my mind.
"This is the coolest thing I've ever seen." Her smile grew even wider.
I wrapped my arms around her. "Better than the Grand Canyon?"
"Absolutely."
"Better than the ocean?"
She nodded.
"Better than that speck you thought was a buffalo?"
She lightly slapped my arm. "I did see a buffalo. I swear. But yeah...this is better." She smiled up at me. "Seriously, I could stay here. In one of these houses."
"What about the fishy smell?"
"You can't smell it over here. Besides, I'm already used to it. Really, this is amazing." She leaned forward on the railing of the bridge. "There's even little fish in the water!"
I looked down at the orange fish swimming.
"I want to stop time," she said softly as she placed her hand on top of mine on the railing.
I looked down at her. She looked wistful. And beautiful. God, she was so damn beautiful. But time couldn't stop. She needed to go home. Maybe she did have four months, but now there was this sense of urgency. I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Hails, let me drive you to the airport."
She laughed as she looked up at me. "You're really trying to get rid of me, aren't you?"
"It's not that, I..." I let my voice trail off. Why was I holding back? I had already confessed my feelings to her. She was still standing here. And she hadn't run off when she found out about Penny or the investigation. She was invested in us too. This wouldn't scare her off either. But I hated talking about it. I hated reliving it.
Chapter 43
Hailey
Thursday
"Tyler, what's wrong?" His face had suddenly changed. I wanted him to be in this moment with me. But I could tell his mind was somewhere else completely. And the look on his face worried me. Was he upset about tomorrow? He didn't have anything to worry about. He was brave and so much stronger than he realized.
"I just, I don't want you to regret spending one more day with me."
I laughed. "I couldn't possibly."
"You know what I mean." He put his hand on my hip and pulled me close enough to feel his body heat. His words and his actions always seemed to contradict each other. He was trying to push me away, yet pulling me closer.
"My dad is going to be okay. He's going to fight this just like he has everything else. He's going to be fine. Why are you pushing this?"
He scratched the back of his neck. He slowly looked back down at me. "I'm sorry." He leaned his back against the railing and folded his arms across his chest.
I wasn't sure if it was intentional, but it felt like he was shutting me out. For the first time in a long time, he had made me feel like I could rely on someone. I wanted him to feel that way about me too. "You're not alone either, Tyler."
A small smile crossed his face. "I know. I have you."
"Which means you can talk to me." I felt like I was on the cusp of finally getting to know h
im better. I didn't want him to hold back. I wanted him to trust me. I had finally put all my worries and fears out there. If he could do the same with me...maybe we really would have a shot here. Distance wasn't an issue as long as we were completely open with one another.
"I miss him. My dad, I mean."
So that's why he was being weird. He missed his dad. He didn't want me to experience his pain. "I'm so sorry, Tyler." I stepped forward and put my hand on his chest. I didn't really have any other words to express what I felt. But I wanted him to know that I understood. That he was living my biggest fear. "If you want to talk about what happened..." I let me voice trail off.
Something flashed across his eyes. It was only for a moment though. And it was too fast for me to be able to tell what it was. "I have a better idea." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his arms.
I laughed as I steadied myself by putting my hands on his biceps. He was really good at distracting me. If his piercing blue eyes weren't doing it, his muscles certainly were. "And what is your great idea?"
"Crepes." The smile was back on his face.
"Crepes?"
"Yeah. There's a great place like a block from here."
I laughed. "When in the world did you do all this research about Venice Beach?"
"I thought it was going to be my last day to have fun for a while. I wanted to make it count."
He had planned a send off party for himself. I didn't care if he had originally pictured me here or not. I knew he wanted me here now. And I was going to give him the best send off ever. "What else is on your list?"
