by Ivy Smoak
"I know." I had known that all along. For the past three years I had made myself unhappy by pining over her. That wasn't her fault. It was mine. Penny wasn't a cure to all my problems. I had learned more about myself in the past few weeks than I had in those three years that I was being an idiot. I'm pretty sure I needed the pain of her rejection to cover up the pain of missing my dad. The pain of feeling guilty. And I would always be grateful for her distraction. I needed her because of that. But I didn't need to mask my feelings anymore. I found someone who understood me.
"Are you happy? Does Hailey make you happy?" She kept her arms wrapped around me.
"Yes."
"Then what are you doing here? Go get her." She leaned back slightly so she could smile up at me.
"Great, you set her off again," Melissa said.
I released Penny from my hug and turned to see Melissa and James standing by the door. Neither one of them looked excited to see me.
Penny laughed as she wiped away the rest of her tears.
"And before you say anything, don't flatter yourself, Tyler. She wasn't crying over you," Melissa said.
"I didn't..."
"We brought the pizza you requested, hot mamma," Melissa continued, cutting me off.
"And the watermelon," James said and placed it on the counter. He put his hand down on the counter beside the watermelon. It almost looked like he needed to do it to steady himself. He looked paler than I remembered. And skinnier. Penny had looked so healthy that I had completely forgotten about what they had just been through. He was recovering from three gunshot wounds. Since I had been trying so hard to ignore the news, that was the extent of what I knew. But it was pretty clear that he shouldn't have been carrying a huge watermelon through the city. The smile he gave Penny hid his grimace.
"And the pickles," Melissa said and placed a bag on the counter beside the rest of the food.
I wanted to ask James how he was feeling. But I knew James was trying to hide his pain. I wasn't going to hurt his pride by asking. If there was one thing I knew about him, it was that he didn't like to look weak. Instead I said, "Weird lunch combination," as I looked back at Penny.
She shrugged. "That's because..." she glanced at James and smiled. "...I'm pregnant."
"What?"
Now she was beaming. "I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations, Penny." I hugged her again. Maybe at one point in time, I thought that might be us one day. It seemed like a long time ago. "Congratulations, James." I stuck my hand out to him.
He hesitated, but only for a second, before grabbing my hand in a death grip. "I heard you tried to get Penny to run away with you the morning of our wedding," he whispered.
I tightened my grip back on his hand. "I heard you broke up with her the night before."
He leaned forward slightly. "Just so that we're clear, Tyler..."
For a second I thought he was going to kill me. I hadn't expected there to be any strength in his grip when he was so clearly struggling. But if anything, he squeezed my hand even harder after my comment.
"...that was the biggest mistake of my life. I won't be making it again." He immediately released my hand.
"You better not."
He smiled and nodded at me. "Should I cut up the watermelon?" he asked, turning his attention back to Penny.
She looked back and forth between me and James. "Yeah. Can you stay for lunch, Tyler?"
I needed to get to Hailey. "I don't think I can."
"Certainly don't leave on my account," Melissa said. "I have a new boyfriend and everything already."
"I'm happy for you," I said.
She smiled. For the first time since she had seen me, she actually looked happy. "Thanks, Tyler. I hope you find what you're looking for too."
I have. But I didn't want to talk to them about Hailey. That would just delay me getting back to her and I just wanted to get to her as soon as possible. "I should actually get going."
"Please stay," Penny said. She gave me one of her pleading smiles. The kind that always drew me back in.
But it didn't this time. I knew that this was it. These were my friends. This was my life. But it was all before Hailey. And none of it seemed good without her. "I'm really sorry, but I'm kind of in a rush. I have to get going." I didn't tell them about the fact that their case had kept me locked up for a week. I didn't tell them that it had ruined my new career. I didn't tell them how much their relationship had fucked me up for years. Because I forgave them. I finally had some perspective in my life. I just needed to see Hailey. That was all that mattered.
"Go get her," Penny whispered in my ear as she hugged me goodbye. "I will always have a special place in my heart for you, Tyler Stevens." She kissed my cheek. "Go get your happily ever after."
I smiled as she released me from her hug. "You're going to make a great mom, Penny." I squeezed her arm.
I gave Melissa a quick hug goodbye. James and I just nodded at each other.
And I walked away from the life I knew without looking back.
"Wait," James said before I stepped onto the elevator. He slowly walked over to me. "Here." He pulled his car keys out of his pocket and tossed them at me.
How did he know I needed a car? "Are you serious?"
"Don't get too excited. It's not the Lamborghini or anything."
"Thanks, man."
He shrugged. "Penny told me about the girl you met. It's about time you found who you were supposed to be with. Instead of trying to constantly mess up my life." He smiled.
"Look, I owe you all an apology..."
"It's okay. Really. I'm actually trying to do this thing where I try to let things go." He folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall beside the elevator. "I know you just wanted what was best for her. And I respect you for that. I try to be better for her. Better than what I was before we met. Maybe one day you'll see that."
I didn't really know what to say to that. "How are you feeling?" I said instead. I couldn't help asking. He didn't seem okay.
"Honestly?" He sighed. "I'm in fucking pain all the time. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to walk. It even hurts to sit down. Don't tell Penny." He gave me a small smile.
That was probably the first time that James had ever opened up to me. Near death experiences did change people. I respected him for coming out to talk to me. And I respected him even more for being strong for Penny. He was a good guy. I had judged him ever since we met. I had never really given him a chance. But now that I wasn't so jaded, it was like I was seeing him for the first time. He was good for Penny. And she was good for him. "My lips are sealed."
James nodded.
"Thanks for this," I said and lifted up the keys. "I don't know how I can ever repay you for this."
"Don't. That's what friends are for."
I smiled. I never thought I'd hear the day when James Hunter called me a friend. "Just for the record, I do see it. I just didn't want to see it. That was the problem. But you're good for her. She needs you."
He nodded.
I hit the elevator button again. "Get better, man."
"Good luck with Hailey."
I stepped onto the elevator. Maybe I needed to clear the air between me and James even more than I did with Penny. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Without realizing it, I had been torturing James ever since we met. Trying to steal the only thing he loved in this world. I had been an asshole ever since I stepped into his classroom. And he forgave me.
The dust had settled. Now I could really start over. I was un-enlisted. I wasn't holding on to anything in NYC. All that I had was the fact that I had fallen in love with a girl from Indiana. So that was where I was going. As Penny put it, it was time for my happily ever after.
Chapter 57
Hailey
Friday
I threw a few things into my duffel bag and zipped it shut. For the first time since my father had passed, I felt hopeful. There was no doubt in my mind that this was all just a te
rrible misunderstanding. I'd go to him. He needed to know about the baby. This couldn't wait. And I knew he'd be as excited as I was. This baby would have a mother and a father who loved him. We'd be a family.
My heart was open. I was going out into the world. I would be doing everything my father wanted. I pulled the duffel bag over my shoulder. He'd be proud of me. I was proud of myself.
The mailman was placing down a huge stack of mail on the bar counter when I walked out of my dad's office.
"Morning, Hailey. You have quite a bit of mail there." He tapped the side of the counter. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm good, Chuck." For the first time, it wasn't a lie. I was taking a step forward. I was living my life again.
"That's good to hear." He tipped his hat. "Keep your head up." He whistled on the way out the door.
I lifted up the stack of mail and it felt like my heart crashed to the floor. I dropped my duffel bag and let myself sink into one of the bar stools. All the letters I had written to Tyler were sitting on the bar counter. They were all stamped with different things. Undeliverable as addressed. Return to sender. Insufficient address. Rejected.
Every single letter I had sent. They looked just like the letters I used to write to my mom. The ones I'd always get back.
He promised he'd write back. I swallowed hard. This was a bigger offense than the lie. Who the hell cared if he was really in the marines? I'd rather he wasn't. But this? He knew about the letters I wrote to my mom. He knew and he still gave me a fake address? I bit my lip.
This past week had been a living hell for me. But I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought...fuck, I don't know what I thought.
I turned over each envelope. They had all been opened and then taped shut again. He read them? I swallowed hard. My pleas for him to call me. My desperation. He hadn't given me a fake address. He had seen all of it. He just didn't care enough to reach out to me. He didn't care about me.
I would have driven to the end of the earth for Tyler. But I didn't even know him. I didn't know where he was. I didn't know if the week we had spent together was even real.
Time hadn't stopped. Time had sped up, chewed me up, and spit me back out. I felt ten years older. And ten years wiser. Love did make people do stupid shit. It had given me hope about something that never would be. But I was done being stupid. Fuck him.
I didn't need Tyler Stevens. Which was good, because I was probably never going to see him again.
I grabbed all the letters and went back into my dad's office. I was embarrassed that I had thought that it was more than what it was. My grief had made me grasp on to straws. But I was stronger than this pain. I was. I slammed the letters down on the desk.
I didn't need anyone. I could pick up my own damn pieces. It suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. God, I'm such an idiot. I collapsed into the desk chair in a fit of tears.
Just like with every guy in the history of men, it had been about sex. That's all it ever was. I should have never climbed in his car. I should have been with my dad.
I put my face in my hands as I let my grief swallow me whole.
Chapter 58
Tyler
Saturday
I turned on my blinker and exited the highway when the annoying voice on my GPS instructed me to. Even though I hated it, I didn't want to miss the exit. For some reason it felt like I was running out of time. It had been over a week since I had left her in that motel in Santa Monica.
She had probably been writing to me, wondering why I wasn't writing back. I never wanted to make her feel like I didn't want to respond. I knew how much that hurt her because of her mom. Please don't let me be too late. I wanted her to jump into my arms, not slap me.
I drove by the sign promising a gas station and smiled. It was like I had turned back time. Except this time I wasn't heartbroken and lost. I had fallen in love with a girl from Indiana. And she loved me back. I hadn't signed my life away. I was free. Free to stay, free to love her. I'd get to hold her in my arms again. I'd get to shake her dad's hand.
As soon as I saw the bar, I sighed with relief. There were a few cars parked outside, but I didn't doubt that it was packed inside. I put the car in park and grabbed the bouquet of flowers.
When I walked into the bar I thought Hailey would be standing behind the counter and that our eyes would instantly meet. And that I'd see her beautiful smile as she ran toward me. It would be the perfect reunion. In reality, Hailey was nowhere in sight. I glanced around the bar. The only person that seemed to be working was an older woman. She was wiping down the counter.
I walked over to her. "Hi, is Hailey here?"
She gave me a small smile. "May I ask who's asking? I don't really think she's expecting anyone today."
"I'm Tyler."
She gave me a blank stare.
For some reason I thought Hailey would have told everyone about me. That she'd be excited about us. I shook away the thought. We hadn't discussed labels or anything. Yes, I viewed Hailey as my girlfriend, but I never actually asked her to be. I'd make sure I asked her that tonight. I wanted to tell the world. I wanted her to officially be mine. "I'm a friend," I clarified. I was definitely tired of referring to her as that. Hailey was everything to me. "I was actually trying to surprise her."
"Oh, it's nice that you came by. Did you want me to take those?" She reached out for the flowers.
For the first time I realized that there were flowers all around the bar. On the tables, on the bar counter, in the corners of the room. I didn't remember it looking like that. "No, that's okay. I'd like to give her them in person."
She smiled. "Okay, hon. She's in her dad's office down the hall to the right. But," she grabbed my arm. "She's not feeling very well today. Hopefully seeing an old friend will cheer her up. Maybe you're just what she needs." She looked hopeful.
"Yeah." I hope I'm still what she needs. "Why isn't she feeling well?"
The woman winked at me. "That's the spirit. With that attitude, you'll have her back out here in no time."
What? "Mhm," I said awkwardly. "So, down the hall to the right?"
She nodded.
I walked around the bar and toward the back hall. There was a door marked with "Jeffrey Shaw," on the right side. I knocked on it.
There was no answer.
I knocked again and slowly opened it. Hailey was sitting at the computer typing furiously. She didn't look up from the computer.
"Anna, I told you I was fine, you don't have to keep checking on me. I'm not good at coding, it's going to take me a while to get the website up. But I have to get this done." She nodded to herself. "I just need to get this done," she said under her breath as she continued typing.
She looked skinnier. Her cheeks almost looked hollow. She was still breathtakingly beautiful, but she did look like she wasn't feeling well. That's what the woman behind the bar had said. Was she sick?
"Hails, it's me."
She stood up, causing the chair to squeak against the floor. She ran her fingers through her hair and then immediately shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself. It was almost like she looked scared of me.
"God, it's so good to see you." I took a step toward her, but she immediately took a step back, even though the desk was already separating us.
"What are you doing here, Tyler?"
"I came to see you." I held the flowers out for her. When she didn't take them, I set them down on the desk. I thought she might look excited to see me. I hadn't spoken to her in over a week. I missed her like crazy.
But she didn't look happy to see me at all. She glanced back down at the computer screen. "I'm a little busy right now. I have a whole bunch of stuff I need to finish. I can't do this right now."
Do what? I laughed. "What are you talking about? I just drove twelve hours straight to come see you."
"Twelve hours?" She wrapped her arms a little tighter around herself. "Were you in New York?"
I remembered our discussion about NYC being t
welve hours away from here. This wasn't how I wanted to tell her my news, but it seemed like now was as good a time as any. "Yeah, it's been a crazy week. I..."
"Did you see her? Is that why you were there?"
"That's not why I was there." This conversation was not going how I planned it. "But yes, I saw Penny."
She nodded and then immediately shook her head. "Look, Tyler, I had a lot of fun on our little road trip. But I think we both know what that really was. And I really am busy right now."
"It was the best week of my life."
She laughed. But it wasn't her real laugh. Not the one I loved so much.
"Well, I highly doubt that. We both needed a little escape from our real lives. Which was great, but that's all it was. Now I need to get back to my real life. And you need to get back to yours. Whatever the hell that is. Because it certainly has nothing to do with the marines."
"Not now. I..."
"Not ever, Tyler. You lied to me."
"I never lied to you. It's a long story..."
"And I don't have time to heart it!" She bit her bottom lip, but it didn't hide the fact that it was trembling. "I called the recruit depot. They didn't have any record of you even enlisting. You left me for no reason without saying goodbye. And went to New York? To see someone else? I'm not an idiot, Tyler. I can connect the dots."
"That's not what happened."
"It doesn't matter what you say. I'm not going to believe it. I can't believe anything you ever said to me. God, I don't even know why we're having this conversation." She pulled open a drawer in the desk and held out two credit cards to me. "These are yours. I didn't use them. And I tore up the check, so you don't have to worry about that. You can go now. I don't owe you anything else. We're done here."
"We're not done."
"Yes, we are. We were done as soon as I got all the letters that I sent you back. And you read them! You knew I was hurting and you ignored me. So yes, we're done. You never gave a shit about me. I was just too naive to see it."
"I never got those letters."
She shook her head as she opened up another drawer and pulled out a handful of envelopes. "Not only did you get them, you read them, you asshole. And then returned all of them to me. You're heartless."
