Seeing Shadows (Shadow Series #1)

by S. H. Kolee

  I suddenly thought of Simon. The night he had walked me home after I had helped him shop, he had looked at me oddly. With a coldness that seemed out of character for him. Could this have been his vardoger? The thought of something overtaking Simon's body was unthinkable so I pushed it away.

  But maybe this explained what had happened last night with Jenny's friend Claudia. The way I had reacted to her. To her vardoger? But I still couldn't accept it. I went from thinking I was crazy to wishing I was crazy. That was far better than accepting that there was a world in which doubles were trying to overtake our bodies. That was pure insanity.

  "I know that this is a lot to take in right now," the woman said gently. "I wish I could take more time to explain everything to you. To speak to you in person. But there's no time now."

  "Why not?"

  "Because I've had a vision of your vardoger killing you."

  My lips trembled as I pressed them together. I tried to take in deep breaths to calm myself, but I felt as if I was going to burst with fear and anxiety. I wanted this call to have never happened. I would gladly welcome insanity for all this to not be true.

  "I need you to know everything so you can protect yourself," she continued when I didn't say anything. "Does your jade elephant still have silver tusks?"

  I glanced at the elephant on my nightstand, confused by her abrupt change in topic. The elephant was entirely made of jade except for the two tusks that were made out of metal. The woman's question sounded ridiculous but I answered.

  "Yes. I thought they were just made out of cheap metal, not silver."

  "It's actually not silver, it's iridium. It's the only thing that shields us, the seers, from vardogers entering us while we sleep. Although they can enter other people at any time, seers are too strong for them. Unfortunately, they can enter us when we're asleep because we're in a weakened state. But something about the composition of the iridium prevents them from being able to enter us. You have to be touching the iridium for it to work. You need to make sure you keep hold of it while you sleep."

  I shuddered as I thought about the words Sarah had said I had spoken in my sleep. Was it possible that it had been my vardoger? Did I really need to sleep with the jade elephant to safeguard against the vardoger entering my body?

  I would have normally laughed at the women's request, it sounded so fantastical. So iridium was the vardoger's Kryptonite. I didn't even know exactly what the heck iridium was. But there was no humor in my voice. "So why don't we just give iridium to everyone so they're protected against...vardogers?" I said the last word what a grimace.

  "Unfortunately the iridium only works if you're a seer. Only seers can tune into the properties of iridium to block the vardoger. The only way to save others from their vardoger is to intervene at the moment when they try to kill their person. The vardoger is in a weakened state because they've spent so much of their energy entering their person's body repeatedly, trying to strengthen the connection so they're able to kill them. When their connection to their person is the strongest, vardogers are also at their weakest. We're able to pull them into us. When this happens and we're touching a piece of iridium, the vardoger is eradicated. A seer's body and soul rejects the vardoger and the iridium neutralizes their energy so that they just become ether being released from us."

  "I'm sorry but that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," I said, finally finding my voice. My voice was shaking but I continued. "So you want me to believe that these things are taking over the world, but you people, 'seers', go around expelling them out of the world by pulling them into you and touching a piece of metal." I laughed harshly. "Where the hell do these vardogers come from then? If I'm supposedly a seer, why don't I see them walking around?"

  "Vardogers have always been present. They're a shadow of ourselves, our souls. Born when we're born. And you do see them. You just don't realize it. When someone enters a room, their vardoger enters a millisecond before them. You just think it's the person you're seeing. Vardogers are attached to you, a part of you, but separate at the same time. Vardogers don't go around walking on their own. Because they don't exist on their own. At least, not unless they overtake their person." The woman paused. "That's why it's so hard to fight them. Because they're so much a part of the actual person."

  "So what am I supposed to do now?" I asked, still not buying into it all. "How do I get rid of my vardoger that supposedly wants to kill me?"

  "Unfortunately, it's much more complicated for seers. We can't risk the vardoger entering our bodies to strengthen the connection because vardogers are unable to push out our souls and overtake our bodies with death like everyone else. Our souls are too strong for that. Instead, when they kill us and try to inhabit our bodies, our souls refuse to be eradicated and we end up still in our bodies, coexisting with the vardoger."

  My aunt took a deep breath before continuing. "But the vardogers are the ones in control. You just become a helpless bystander, witnessing the vardoger's atrocities, and not being able to do anything about it. Death would be a better alternative for seers rather than having to suffer through that for the rest of their lives."

  "What kind of atrocities are you talking about?" I asked. "I mean, it's bad they're killing off 'their' people." I inwardly rolled my eyes because I was picking up my aunt's terminology for this insanity. "But what happens then?"

  "These are the people that become serial killers, murderers, dictators committing genocide," my aunt said gravely. "Inherently, vardogers aren't evil or good. They just exist. But the ones that turn - they're filled with evil."

  "Wait a second," I protested. "But you said these things....these vardogers, only started turning about three hundred years ago. What about all the evil people before that?"

  "I'm not saying that every evil person has been overtaken by a vardoger," my aunt said patiently, ignoring my accusatory tone. "There are plenty of people in the world who are evil, regardless of whether they've been overtaken by their vardoger. But there's a precarious balance in our world. There's plenty of evil, but there's plenty of good to counteract it. But vardogers are trying to tip the balance, to engulf this world in pure evil."

  This was too much. On one hand someone was finally giving me an explanation for my visions, something I've always desperately wanted. On the other hand, the explanation I was being given basically told me the end of the world was imminent. I was afraid to accept this explanation because once I did, nothing would ever be the same again.

  I thought of Simon. The thought that something was trying to kill him, even something I wasn't sure I believed in, was gut wrenching. Even more gut wrenching than the thought that something was trying to kill me.

  "How do you know all our visions are correct?" I asked. "I mean, we could be having visions of vardogers killing their people and it actually never happens."

  My aunt sighed sadly. "I wish our visions weren't correct. I wish we were mistaken, that the ones we see in our visions are safe. That the only place they're being hurt is in our dreams." Her voice steeled. "But the visions are true. We've been documenting them since the beginning. And we've tried to save as many people as possible."

  I hesitated before asking the next question. "How many have you saved?" What I really wanted to know was how many they had lost.

  It was as if she read my mind. "We've lost more than we've saved," she replied. Pain colored her voice. And I knew whether or not I believed in vardogers, it was a reality for this woman. She wasn't trying to dupe me - she truly believed that this battle for bodies and souls was really happening.

  Her voice strengthened. "But we've saved enough. Each person we save counts."

  "So what do you do?" I asked, wondering how this woman spent her life. She couldn't have much quality of life if she spent all her time trying to kill these things. "I mean, do you just snoop on people, waiting for when their vardoger tries to kill them?"

  I heard a smile in her voice. "Something like that. But it's not a calling everyone can
answer." Her voice sobered. "Your father knew about the visions. But he doesn't believe in vardogers. He doesn't believe such a thing exists, let alone that they're trying to overtake bodies. He just thinks we're all crazy. That's why he didn't want us to have anything to do with you."

  I wasn't surprised. My father was all about facts, things that were concrete that you could see with your own eyes. It didn't take much imagination to know what he would think about this whole vardoger thing. But the thing that stung was finding out that my father knew the women in his family had visions of people dying. He had to have known that this was what I had been going through all these years.

  Yet he had never said one word to me. Never tried to explain what was happening to me. Regardless of whether my father believed in vardogers or not, he hadn't cared enough to try and help me.

  I pushed these thoughts aside. As painful as this revelation was, it was the least of my problems at the moment. A dozen questions were popping into my head.

  "You said that vardogers take over the body after they've killed the person. I've seen people die in horrific ways. Fires, decapitation, falling from a building. How do they take over the bodies and start living as the person when the bodies are so mangled?"

  "When a vardoger kills their person, it's often in a violent way. Like you mentioned. We're not sure whether it's because they just enjoy it, or if it aids in the transition. Vardogers are able to kill their person, to damage the body, without causing permanent harm to it. It's a little hard to explain, but when a vardoger kills their person, their connection allows the body to recover when the vardoger enters it after having expelled their person's soul."

  I shook my head at the explanation, none of it making sense to me.

  "So do you expect me to start going around killing vardogers?" I asked, not being able to mask my sarcasm. "That'll be pretty tough considering my schedule's pretty full with classes and a job. I'm not sure I'll be able to slip it in between Economics and serving burgers."

  "No one is saying that you have to do anything," my aunt answered gently. Probably more gently than my derisive tone deserved. "That's for you to decide. And it's not something you can decide lightly. I've just revealed a lot to you - things that most people never have to deal with. I just wanted to make sure you were safe while you come to grips with everything."

  I swallowed, but felt a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. "But what about the people that I've seen in my visions? Does that mean they'll just become victims since I haven't done anything to save them?"

  Did that mean Simon would die?

  "All our visions have been proven to be true. But that doesn't mean it happens right after you have a vision, or immediately after you've seen the person in real life," she explained. "It could take a week, a month - or even a year. There's no way to predict it." She paused. "But yes, these people will die. But that doesn't mean you're obligated to try and save them. You're risking yourself in the process. Even though other people's vardogers can't hurt you, the more vardogers you eradicate, the more susceptible you are for your own vardoger to try and conquer you."

  I could take no more at this point. I needed to be alone with my own thoughts. To process everything I had heard tonight. "Well, this has wrapped up a weekend that's been pretty crappy all round," I said, trying to sound glib. The crack in my voice didn't really help with that. "I don't think my brain is going to accept any more information."

  "I understand," she said gently. "Like I said, the reason I called was to make sure you protect yourself. Make sure you're touching the iridium tusks of the elephant when you go to bed. In fact, I'd recommend that you break them off the figurine and wear it on a chain so that you're always in contact with it."

  "Sure," I replied, not knowing how else to answer. Maybe I should melt down my jewelry and make some silver bullets too while I was at it.

  My aunt took a deep breath and exhaled. "I'm sorry that our first conversation has to be such a...grim one. I'm hoping that we can meet soon. There's so much I'd like to share with you. But there's also so much more I want to learn about you. There are some pressing matters that I need to attend to here. People I have to guard. But I would like to visit you soon, if that's okay. I'm sure you have more questions than you can fathom right now, and there's so much more to tell you. Can I call again to see how you're doing?"

  I heard genuine concern in her voice. I couldn't deny that, having had a childhood where I experienced more derision than concern, I was like a moth to a flame to her caring tone. I had to be careful to control myself, to not let this woman get too close just because I was desperate for some sort of family affirmation. Our relationship would progress on my terms, if at all. I needed that control to survive.

  "Okay. But probably not so late next time."

  "Of course," she said, sounding amused. Her voice turned serious. "Regardless of the reason why I called you today - the ugly subject matter, you don't realize how happy I am to have finally had a chance to hear your voice." Her voice filled with emotion. "Your mother was like a sister to me. She knew everything about me. And she accepted me. I've never had that kind of acceptance from anyone else outside of my family."

  This was news to me. I hadn't realized that my mother had known about everything. But I couldn't talk about it now. As desperate as a part of me was to learn about my mother, my self-preservation stopped me from asking questions. I had as much as I could handle at the moment.

  "Well, thank you for warning me," I said. I almost ended the sentence with Aunt Brenda, but the words wouldn't come out. "Have a good night."

  "You too, Caitlin." Her voice turned urgent. "And don't forget about the iridium."

  With that last statement, she ended the call. I hung up on my end and placed my cell phone on the night stand.

  Now what? I thought. Now that everything I've ever believed in has been kicked on its ass, what do I do now?

  I looked at the jade elephant. I was too tired, mentally and physically, to go MacGyver on it tonight and fashion the iridium tusks into necklace charms like the woman, my Aunt Brenda, had suggested. That would have to wait for another day. Even if I wasn't ready to accept her explanation, there was no way in hell I was taking any chances.

  Afraid that I would lose grip of the elephant in my sleep, I placed the elephant in my right hand and tightly wrapped a plastic bag around it, holding it in place with a rubber band. That way, even if I did drop it in my sleep, my hand would still remain in contact with it.

  I felt stupid going to bed with my hand wrapped up, knowing that I looked idiotic. But I was willing to risk idiocy if it meant saving my life.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The plastic bag turned out not to be necessary since I didn't fall asleep that night. How could anyone sleep if they had just been told that the monsters you believed in when you were little were actually real? That the shadows in the closet were actually waiting for you. And that you were supposed to go around vanquishing them.

  I almost didn't make it to class in the morning but the alternative of staying home and letting my thoughts drive me crazy didn't appeal to me, so I decided class was a good way to distract myself.

  I left the apartment before Sarah woke up. She had late classes on Mondays and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to face her. She would know automatically that something was wrong, beyond what had happened this past weekend. I had been a sight for sore eyes this morning. There were dark circles under my eyes and my pale face seemed even paler. My eyes look glazed, a combination of fatigue and resignation. Resignation that the life I knew, as broken as it had been in some respects, was no longer mine.

  Tossing and turning last night, I realized I had two options. I could ignore everything and pretend that the phone call with my aunt had never happened and continue living my life as normally as I could. For as long as I could. Or I could decide to take an active role in trying to save the people in my visions. I wasn't sure about the latter path because this meant I really accepted t
hat these vardogers were real. But I wasn't sure if I could just ignore everything either. A part of me knew that this was all real. It recognized the truth the instant my aunt had spoken it.

  More importantly, I didn't want to take the chance of not accepting it and something happening to Simon. I could never live with myself then. I also had a feeling that if I just ignored it, I would slowly go crazy. I still wasn't sure which was the better alternative.

  Trudging to class, it felt surreal that only a couple of days ago I had been happily planning Jenny's birthday party. I was afraid that the normalcy of my life that I had been able to cultivate, despite my visions, was going to be a thing of the past.

  I tried to clear my head as I crossed the quad. My first class of the day was a marketing class, and it was mercifully a lecture. I could just sit there and not have to participate. Someone fell into step beside me and I looked up, inwardly groaning. The last person I needed to deal with right now was Samantha. I felt instantly drabber when I saw her red lips and pink cheeks ruddy from the cold. She looked vivacious and I'm sure I looked like a limp mop in comparison.

  "Hi Samantha," I said, as she continued to walk next to me not saying a word. I wondered what she wanted.

  "What's going on with Simon?" she asked with no preamble. I would have taken offense but she said it with no malice. She sounded more glum than anything else.

  "Well, it's good to see you too," I joked but Samantha just frowned. I sighed. "Nothing, Samantha. Nothing is going on between me and Simon. We're just friends." The words barely friends echoed in my head but I pushed them away.

  "Well, I know that," she replied, as if she was talking to a person who wasn't very bright. "I heard that he and Claudia are dating now."