Withering Tights with Bonus Material

by Louise Rennison

  And they played.

  And Cain sang. Well, to tell you the truth, he didn’t sing. It was more sort of growling and snarling and moaning down the microphone, whilst the band behind him made a whirlwind of noise. Jack was thumping away at the drums.

  Then they played their next one, called “Shut Up, Mardy Bum.” Followed by the classic, “Girlfriend in the River, I Know, I Know It’s Really Serious.”

  It was the weirdest, most gothic gig I have ever been to. Even though I have never been to a gig.

  Sidone and Monty tried to jive but gave up and just moved their shoulders around.

  Cain was like an animal in pain. And he seemed really angry. With everything. He hit the microphone. He kicked the stand. He pointed at people. He even kicked Bob’s special speaker with “Wizard” written on it. Bob went and stood by it with a broom.

  At the end, Cain came forward and said huskily, “That’s it, leave us alone.”

  The girls went mad for them.

  Amazing.

  Then, as Cain was storming off, he said something to Seth.

  And Seth got hold of him and belted him.

  Then Cain hit Seth and said something else. Then Ruben came across and tried to break them up, and he got hit.

  And then they all went off, fighting.

  Amazing.

  As we stood there, being amazed, Jack was left sitting behind his drums. He looked offstage for a second and then started dismantling his kit.

  Vaisey said, “Should I go over?”

  And we all went, “Yeah.”

  So off she toddled and got up on the stage. Jack smiled when he saw her. A bit shyly, but then they were chatting and he was letting her hit his cymbal. Thank goodness, and also, Yaroooo!!!

  The Hinchcliffs came swaggering back, led by Cain, who had a bleeding lip. I bobbed down behind Flossie. They were signing autographs and also letting girls write their phone numbers on their arms. How ridiculous.

  When they were ready to go, Cain looked up and saw Jack and Vaisey talking and laughing, and shouted over, “Jack, we’re out of here.”

  Vaisey looked at Jack.

  And Jack looked at Cain.

  And then he looked down and started packing his kit up really quickly.

  Vaisey stood there like a little red lemon for a minute or two, and then disappeared out of the stage door.

  An hour later we found her up on the roof looking out to Grimbottom. And crying.

  She must have been crying for an hour because her eyes are all tiny.

  And her hair is droopy.

  She wouldn’t come in, so in the end I headed home and the others took her a blanket.

  Back in my squirrel room, I decided I am definitely going to make our Wuthering Heights production about Cain.

  I’ve been practicing in the mirror. I put my hair back in a ponytail, and I can do his harsh looks now.

  There are some illustrations in the book I’ve got, and Heathcliff has got a white shirt on with a long black jacket. And riding boots. And a mustache.

  I hope Cousin Georgia won’t mind, but I’ve trimmed her mustache. It had droopy curly ends on it that made me look a bit Japanese.

  I’m going to show Ruby. And tell her about my Heath-cliff.

  I went and called into The Blind Pig.

  She wasn’t in, though. Mr. Barraclough said, “Hello, young man.” I wasn’t even wearing my costume. Just being me.

  He told me that Ruby had gone to dog obedience classes with Matilda. I walked up the back way, in case she was coming home, but I couldn’t see her. And after five minutes, I gave up.

  The moors were brooding in the dusk. A few sheep were baaing, but mostly there was just a swishing sound as a little breeze played on the grasslands. I would have to tell Honey and Flossie about the little breeze business.

  I looked out over the land. It had seemed so bleak when I first came here, and now it seemed . . . well, so bleak. But I liked it more now.

  I was so sad for Vaisey. It was horrible seeing her so upset. And she hadn’t even been kissed yet.

  At least I had. Well, if you could count the “bat trapped in the mouth.”

  Jo told me today that Phil said Ben thought I was too “immature” to go out with.

  I would be upset, but then I had an image of him puffing along with a rucksack full of bricks.

  I wish that I had Georgia around to give me some advice. I know she said, “A boy in the hand is worth two on the bus.”

  But what does that mean?

  I had met Ben on a bus (nearly), so maybe that is what she meant. I had to wait for a boy who wasn’t on a bus.

  If I was going to come back to Dother Hall next term, I would get her to write down stuff for me. Like a guide to boys.

  But I won’t be coming back. I’ve only got 45 percent, which is a fail.

  I can’t even think about it. I find it hard to talk about things that mean a lot to me.

  I wonder if the girls will miss me. I will miss them and I won’t forget them.

  And also, I have had a nearly boy friendy. Charlie did come and see the owlets with me, didn’t he?

  But I can’t figure out what he meant by saying that thing about the cinema. That it would have been stupid if he had come.

  Does he mean because I am too immature?

  How am I supposed to get mature, unless someone gives me a hand becoming more maturerer? Jiminy cricket and also gadzooks.

  I went off down the path home, and as I came round the corner of the lane by the pub, Cain was turning up the pathway toward me. Just as I stepped into a rabbit hole and fell over.

  He looked down at me. Then he laughed.

  He said, “This is fun, in’t it?”

  I said, “No, it’s not.”

  He laughed meanly. “You love it, you follow me abaht. I see a lot of you, if you know what I mean.”

  I was thinking of something clever to say as I got up when I heard Alex’s voice.

  “All right, Cain?”

  Mr. Darcy was here. He would see Heathcliff off.

  Cain was still looking at me and didn’t bother to turn to Alex. He just said, “Aye, not so bad.”

  Alex said, “Are you on your way home, Tallulah? I’ll walk with you.”

  Cain said softly, “Mixing with the big boys now. Watch tha sen, Tallulah.”

  I didn’t bother to reply to him, I just smiled at Mr. Darcy.

  As I walked by, Cain slowly rubbed his chest with his hands. Oh my God, he was doing corker rubbing.

  I said, “You really are . . .” And I couldn’t think of a word bad enough.

  Cain said, “Gorgeous? You love it.” And he went off, whistling up the hill into the dark moorlands.

  Alex said, “What was all that about?”

  I said, “I don’t know, he just picks on me. He’s an awful person.”

  “Yeah, they’re complicated lads, those Hinchcliffs.”

  “He’s got a dog called Dog. And he just comes and looms over me. Looming.”

  “He probably likes you.”

  What?

  Alex said, “Boys are a lot more nervous than you think.”

  Was he saying Cain was nervous?

  I said, “He stubbed a cigarette out on the ‘Absolutely No Smoking’ sign. And he killed a fox. And was twirling it about.”

  Alex was walking along, letting me get it out of my system.

  I said, “And, he told Jack to come, and Vaisey really likes him and they were getting on, and then Cain just says ‘come,’ and Jack goes like a little doggie. And now Vaisey is on the roof. It used to be Bob who was Mrs. Rochester, and now there are two of them.”

  Alex paused, but let the Mrs. Rochester thing go, and said, “A lot of boys are very status conscious. And Cain has a lot of status, so Jack will want to be like him.”

  I said, “Holy Mother of God, imagine WANTING to be like Cain.”

  Alex said, “Do you fancy visiting the owlets? I was going out but it got canceled.”

>   Wow.

  Mr. Darcy and me. Alone, looking at owlets.

  I nodded, and tried a half smile and hair shake.

  It felt good.

  We walked down to the barn, and then Alex told me that he’d been seeing a girl but that they had split up. I didn’t say “Good,” even though it made me feel really funny. I tried an understanding smile, but I didn’t know if he could see it, sideways on.

  Anyway, I’m sure he was only telling me stuff because it was like he was telling Ruby. He, along with everyone else on the planet, probably thinks I am “immature.”

  Alex said, “Let’s check that Connie’s not around.”

  He opened the barn door and it was all quiet. He shone his torch into the corner where the nest was, and suddenly there was Connie.

  Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!! Connie must have been sitting on Tallulah and Ruby, having a snooze. All right, my mother had a lot of faults but she doesn’t sit on me when I’m in bed.

  Connie started screeching and flapping her enormous wings out. Alex was backing out of the barn. He whispered, “We’d better get out of here.”

  We walked quickly down the pathway and I kept looking back, expecting to see a big shadow bearing down on us. It was so spooky. My heart was thumping.

  Alex whispered, “Are you afraid of the dark?”

  And as I said, “No,” he lifted up his arms and went, “WaaaaaaAAAAA!”

  And I leapt onto his back. Once my heart had stopped racing, it was quite funny. I laughed and laughed. It was probably relief from not being pecked to death by owls.

  He gave me a piggyback for a bit, and then I got down.

  I looked up at him and he looked back at me. And just for a tiny heart-stopping moment, I thought he was about to kiss me.

  But he ruffled my hair and said, “Let’s get you home, green-eyes.”

  Doesn’t anyone besides Matilda want to kiss me?

  When I woke up on Saturday morning, I wrote in my performance-art notebook a dream I had about Alex:

  Alex came striding up to the Dobbinses’ house, dressed in a white shirt and riding boots (and trousers).

  He said he was going to take me out for a picnic on the moors.

  I noticed my knees were at a normal height.

  Lullah and Ruby the owlets came with us.

  When we had our picnic, the owls had mouse sandwiches. We had pies.

  Afterward, the owlets had a little sleep and I was running across the moors, laughing with Alex.

  I put my foot down a rabbit hole and tripped over.

  Alex picked me up and said, “You are so mature.”

  I looked up at him and raised my bottom eyelids.

  And he changed into Charlie.

  And then, as I slowly blinked, he turned into Cain.

  He was singing, “She’s Got the Corker-Rubbing Blues.”

  When I went down to breakfast, Dibdobs was sitting at the kitchen table with the lunatic brothers. She said, “Say good morning to Tallulah, boys!”

  Sam and Max looked at me, and they both smiled at the same time.

  They’ve got part of a proper tooth each!

  I said, “You’ve got teeth, boys!!!”

  Max said, “Did you hear me cleanin’ my teef?”

  Dibdobs was smiling proudly like she had grown the “teef” herself.

  It was time to grow into my knees

  I RUSHED OFF TO Dother Hall early because I was worried about Vaisey, and I thought I should tell her what Alex had said about the status boy stuff. I went up to the dorm and all the others were in there, talking on their beds. But there was no sign of Vaisey.

  I said, “She’s not still on the roof, is she?”

  Ten minutes later, Vaisey came down. She is very pale but not crying.

  I said, “Oh, my little friend, look at your sad hair.”

  I gave her a cuddle, but it made the tears come out of her again, so I thought I would do that thing that adults do to crying children. I went and got a big handkerchief from Milly, and then I got hold of Vaisey’s nose with it and said, “Blow!”

  It worked a little bit because she half smiled and said, “I’ve got a song to sing at the performance lunchtime.”

  She didn’t come to any of the classes in the morning. Sidone has given her special permission to practice her song. If this is the state that you get in when you get a note from a boy, what is it like to have a real boyfriend?

  We went into the theater for the lunchtime stuff.

  Lavinia did a piece of avant-garde dance. With a beach ball. And Sidone complimented her on her “jazz hands.”

  I don’t know what it was about, we were all so tense. And waiting to see whether Vaisey would sing or not. There was a long pause.

  But then Sidone, in a chiffon hat, came back onstage and said, “Today, you are going to see live theater. Someone who is paying their dues. She didn’t want to perform today because she has been very upset. But I told her, this is it, this is what Dother Hall is about. Show us your bleeding feet. Your bleeding heart.”

  And she went off, beckoning Vaisey out from the wings.

  It was hard watching her walk on. Her hair looked so sad. Everyone was very quiet and still. And she was so pale. Where was the jolly red person?

  Vaisey said to us, “I am going to sing a soul-music classic. I suppose some things are said so well that they can’t be said any better.”

  And she stepped forward, into a single hard spotlight. There was no accompaniment.

  And she started to sing so beautifully:

  You looked at me

  It shook me

  You tore me apart.

  You’ve broken my

  Tender, tender heart.

  I woke up

  We’d broke up

  Before we could start.

  I’ll never forget you

  Because I am so . . .

  Bluuuuuueeeee

  (Ooh-oooh-oooh)

  Blimey, we were all wailing by the time she’d finished.

  We gave her a big hug at the end and Blaise Fox said, “That’s it, that’s your big song for Cathy in Wuthering Heights. Marvelous, you’ll have them weeping in the aisles! Keep the crying up, you’ll look like a wreck.”

  We’ve been rehearsing Wuthering Heights for most of the day.

  I think I am really getting into character.

  I made Flossie laugh with my Yorkshire accent.

  Even Vaisey giggled when I did my big “song” for her, which was mostly growling and kicking things.

  As I was walking home, practicing my bad temper and surliness, and also trying to walk like Cain, Phil popped out from behind a tree and went, “Pssssst.”

  He said, “Tell the Tree Sisters to come to a late-night bonanza at the tree tonight, before we all go home.”

  I said, “What do you mean?”

  He said, “I’ll tell you what I mean: tell Jo, Flossie, Honey, and Vaisey, and, of course, your good self, to come to the tree at eight o’clock. We will bring stuff.”

  So I went all the way back to Dother Hall and told them.

  Vaisey said she didn’t want to go. But we persuaded her that it was probably one of the last times we would see the lads. In the end, she said she would. She is very brave, I think. Especially as Jack is going to be there. I wanted to say good-bye to Phil, and maybe Charlie would be there. My sort-of friend.

  That night, at about half past seven, I set off up the path to Dother Hall for the final farewell tree fest. I waited by the back entrance whilst the girls crept out. They all had makeup on and had done their hair. I said to Vaisey, “You look lovely.”

  And she did. She looked pale but determined.

  I had gone wild and put my Barely Pink lipstick on and some mascara, and also I had borrowed a dress from Vaisey. It was time to grow into my knees.

  We went off to our tree. And the boys were there already lying around under it.

  Phil got hold of Jo and lifted her up. He said, “Whey hey hey!!”
/>   Jo has told me that they are going to write to each other. She biffed him on his arms, which is her way of being affectionate, and he kissed her on the mouth. That left the rest of us feeling a bit awkward for a minute. Especially Jack, who looked like he was going to bite his lips off. Charlie wasn’t there, but Ben was.

  Oh dear.

  Ben flopped over to me and held out his hand.

  Again.

  I said, “Hello, Ben.”

  And then he spotted Honey. She smiled and said, “That’th a nithe name, Ben.” And he fell into her honey trap like a hypnotized bee. They were talking and laughing, and he played with her hair.

  Oh, well. I sat down with Flossie and we opened some of the crisps that the boys had brought. They had a guitar as well and Jack started playing a little tune on it. He looked up at Vaisey and said to her, “Vaisey, will you come and sit and sing with me?”

  And Vaisey said, “I’m not feeling very well.”

  Jack said, “Is that . . . because . . . Please come and talk to me, Vaisey.”

  Flossie and I didn’t know what to do, so we just started talking loudly together.

  Flossie said, “I quite like that Seth boy.”

  What???

  I said, “He’s a Hinchcliff, they are like wild animals.”

  Flossie started singing in a Southern accent. “Wild Seth, you make my heart sing . . . you make everything . . . Sethy!!!”

  Then Charlie arrived.

  I tried to pretend that I hadn’t seen him.

  He said, “Hellloooooo, Tree Sisters! It’s me!”

  It was really good fun being in the woods at night with people singing and laughing and talking. Jack and Vaisey were half singing and half talking. I looked across at her and she smiled back at me.

  Hoooray!!! Lawks-a-mercy and splice the mainbrace!!!

  After about half an hour, Jo and Phil went off into the woods together.

  Charlie was being very funny about Woolfe Academy—he’s back there for another term. He said, “The headmaster says that he thinks a bit of responsibility will be the making of me. So he has made me team leader in the army corp.”

  And he winked at me and said, “Happy days.”

  Phil and Jo came dashing back.

  Jo said, “Sidone and Monty are headed this way!!”