Never Meant to Be

by Yarro Rai

  “I agree. We have to be deal with this guy. We need to destroy him man and his image, show him that he's nothing but another drug addict who's just angry at himself and wants to create a public disturbance. We can hire some old cops who can take care of him, just like we've done in the past. Trust me, no one will notice his corpse lying there rotten in the gutter.

  I wanted to scream. I stared angrily at Katherine. Will somebody please shut her up? She's trying to kill Johnny!

  The other board members seemed to agree.

  I looked around me, amazed at what I was seeing. All the luxury cars and big mansions were dirty secrets. They all turned to see my reaction.

  Katherine was enjoying the dilemma on my face.

  “I don’t think we should do anything foolish. As we all know, the media is waiting for us to make the wrong move. Why don’t we just let it simmer down a little bit?”

  “But it's hampering our image in the market every day! You don’t understand. Elections are coming. There may be changes in the cabinet, and we won’t have the same politicians in our pocket anymore. They might take action against us because of public pressure.” Katherine persisted.

  “No what are we? Businessmen or butchers?" I tried to keep the emotion out of my voice. "And it was our fault that we were trading medicine illegally, and it’s good that it came out. You were hiding things from me. That’s what happens.” I tried to defend Johnny.

  “Honey, this is not the first time we've taken care of something like this. I know a few cops who are very good at this sort of thing.” I hated how she spoke to me.

  “What do you mean by not our first time?”

  “Now we don’t want to go into details. Are you still living in the delusion that your father was a saint? Everybody has some dark secrets. You wouldn't believe it, I'm sure--he's your father and I don’t blame you."

  What was she talking about? Before I could protest, she continued.

  "Okay, let’s vote.”

  “This is ridiculous! We're voting for killing an innocent man. I'm not taking part in this!”

  “Even if you don’t take part, we all will. It’s one low-life scum for a multi-million dollar company. The decision has to be made, right or wrong.”

  I slammed my hand on the table.

  “If you dare touch him, if any of you dare to touch him, then you will see what I am capable of.”

  I stormed out of the room in anger.

  ***

  “Are the rumors true that you are having an affair?”

  The camera was on me. All eyes were on me. The live audience all eagerly awaited my answer, my critical answer. The rumors of my affair with a mystery man had been spreading like wildfire through the media. A lot depended upon my answer.

  “No,” Mr. Brad whispered encouragingly from behind the camera.

  With every second of silence that passed, the doubts, questions, and eyebrow-raising increased. The host asked the question again, trying to cope with the awkward silence.

  “Are the rumors true?”

  My soul was screaming yes, yes they all are true, but what do you care? But I couldn't bring myself to say it. My lips trembled, and I finally responded.

  "No."

  The host then directed a question to Aadish.

  “Do you think it’s all part of bad publicity that they are trying to create around your campaign?”

  I felt relieved that the camera was off me, but I knew that somewhere on a street corner, Johnny must be watching. No matter how I felt, I had to maintain my image. The fairytale engagement was selling.

  What I didn’t realize was that it was the beginning of a chain reaction.

  ***

  Johnny’s Diary

  At last, my fears were true. She chewed me and threw me out like a piece of chewing gum. I should have known better.

  I was a betrayed waif, back on the streets. I was being hunted down by her company dogs for screwing up their deal, and when she should have protected me, she was busy parading around on another man's arm. After all, she carried the same blood. I should have taken my revenge when I had the chance.

  The pain was so strong that even rum was ineffective. No drugs were able to make me forget her for even one second. And yet I still had feelings for her.

  God, I love her...I love her... I can’t let her escape like this. Tomorrow, it ends.

  ***

  Esther’s Dairy

  Aadish was addressing the people with an imposing speech about change. The emotions and power were clearly surging on his face. We were in an open rally and I was standing next to him to support him and continue the "perfect couple" image. It was warm feeling to see so many gathered just hoping that he could bring the necessary change. We were just scheduled for a brief speech..

  What I didn’t know was that Johnny was also there. As I looked at the crowd, I spotted his flat hat and jacket. He also noticed that I had spotted him, but as he moved forward towards the podium I saw that he had a gun in his hand.

  In no time, my heartbeat climbed from fast to panic button. I moved closer to Aadish, who had no idea that he had been marked.

  What if security sees Johnny and shoots him because he poses a direct threat to Aadish? What if he gets killed in this chaos? All sorts of possibilities ran through my mind.

  I slowly shook my head, trying to signal Johnny not to do anything stupid. But his eyes had strong emotions shining like a mirror in them. We both stared at each other, exchanging intense glares and trying to gauge each other’s will. I knew there was no point in arguing with him, so my eyes just begged him not to do anything stupid.

  But Johnny didn't listen. He slowly raised his gun.

  I grabbed Aadish’s hand tightly, moving as close to him as possible. I started to sweat. My nerves contracted. But then I realized that he was pointing at me.

  I looked at Johnny straight in the eyes.

  Do it, do it if you think I have betrayed you. Do it and make it easier for me. I begged.

  I saw his hands trembling and shaking. After a few seconds, he lowered the gun.

  I felt relieved, but Johnny was as stubborn as a child, and he wanted to make a statement. Then he lifted the gun right up to his own chest, aiming directly at his heart. Now I was more nervous than before.

  In the heat of the moment, I clutched Aadish’s hand too tightly and caught his attention. He looked at me, smiled, and continued with his speech.

  Johnny and I exchanged bullets of stares. Our emotions fired through our eyes as we tried communicating with each other without words.

  Don’t you dare Johnny, don’t you dare pull that trigger, I mouthed.

  I love you, he mouthed back.

  I love you, too. Please don’t do that.

  Nobody else in the crowd knew what was going on. The fighting continued and there seemed to be no end in sight. We were both passionate and we were both idiots. Johnny slowly moved his finger towards the trigger.

  No, no, my eyes begged him.

  I was terrified and angry at the same time, but Johnny seemed to be determined and blind in his obsession. The monster inside him was in control.

  He pulled the trigger.

  I clutched Aadish’s finger so hard that I nearly cracked his bones as I fell from the stage. My knees had given in. My entire body was shaking in fear.

  But Johnny was still standing. That bastard was still standing--the gun was empty. He wickedly smiled as he enjoyed watching my face turn white.

  Since he couldn’t kill himself and certainly couldn’t kill me, he turned his attention back towards Aadish. I could see his lips moving, and what I could manage to understand was that he was saying you betrayed me.

  He lowered his gun and I raised myself to my tip-toes, trying to see what he was doing. He was loading bullets.

  God, now he's loading the gun for real. What should I do? What should I do?

  There was no way that Johnny would listen to me. He was high on drugs and full of rage. He thought that I h
ad betrayed him, but why would I even consider going back to him after his scene? As I lost myself in my own thoughts, I saw Johnny quickly raise the gun, pointing it at Aadish, and pull the trigger.

  I felt the bullet pierce my arm, and as I started to fall another one hit me on the shoulder. It was all so fast that before I knew it, I was lying on the stage, covered in blood.

  Everything broke into chaos. The police charged the crowd while people went wild, running everywhere. The wave of people came running towards me, but my eyes were only searching for Johnny.

  I spotted him. He looked surprised, and started to run towards me as I was carried away. The last thing I remember was the image of Johnny struggling and fighting with guards and cops, trying to reach me. I stretched out my arms towards him. But there was too much chaos. Then I was put into a car, and everything went black.

  Chapter Eight

  The Revelation

  Esther’s Dairy

  The life of dust depends upon the wind. As soon as wind calms, dust is as good as dead. Johnny is my wind. He may not think the way I do and may not see how much I love him. His perception of the upper class is flawed and he probably doesn't take me seriously. But he doesn’t know how he makes me feel. I would die for him. That's the effect of love: as soon as you gain consciousness, you start thinking about the person who's in your mind and in your soul immediately.

  “Oh, thank God you're here. When I will be discharged? "

  My eyes caught on a newspaper laying on the foot of the bed.

  "What the hell is this? It says that I'm dead!” I pointed to the newspaper.

  “Ma’am, that was just a precaution. You were out cold for three days. We were really worried, and we got information that the attacker was planning to assault you again. So we thought it would be best if we spread the rumor and we shifted you into another ward.”

  “Three days, really?" I couldn't believe it.

  "Can you please, please find Johnny? I have to talk with him now.”

  Mr. Brad went silent for few seconds.

  “You can’t do that, ma’am.”

  “But why? I know you're concerned for my security, but I know he won't hurt me. He can’t hurt me. I have to see him now.”

  Mr. Brad paused for a few seconds before answering “Ma’am he...His body was found in a garbage pile this morning.”

  “What do you mean, body?”

  “Ma’am ...Johnny is dead.”

  The world went silent.

  “No, look, I'm already in bad condition, and not in mood of any pranks or jokes. Please will you just call him for me?”

  “I wish I could, ma’am.” Mr. Brad lowered his head. I was in shock.

  They say that when you fall off a cliff, there is a moment of extreme silence before you hit the ground, shattering your soul. I had just fallen off of a cliff. I didn’t believe it. I would not believe it. How could I? Just two days before, Johnny had been slinging around a gun in a crowd of people. How could he be dead?

  I threw the monitor that contained all of the tubes attached to me.

  “Ma’am, you need to calm yourself," Mr. Brad's eyes went wide.

  "Please, doctor! Doctor!” He shouted as my wound started to bleed again.

  “No, this can’t be true. That bastard can't leave me alone. I need to see him. Would you please call him?" I started to sob uncontrollable. "Johnny! Johnny, where are you?”

  I tried to get up out of bed, but I was too weak and I fell to the ground. In the meantime, the hospital staff ran in and put me back into bed, trying to restrain me and keep my wound safe. But I didn't care about my wound or the fact that I was bleeding. I just wanted to see Johnny coming through that door smiling and have him take me with him to our tree house.

  I heard a doctor and nurse shouting to each other. Then, I felt a strong wave of exhaustion that made my eyelids heavy. Soon, I fell asleep.

  When I regained consciousness I saw uncle and Aadish sitting beside me. As soon as I gained control over my senses, I started to murmur.

  “I need to see him, I need to see him. I want to see him. Please, please let me see him.”

  Uncle hugged me tightly, but my tears didn't stop.

  “I don’t want this. I don't want this company, this fame and money, I just want him. Please...” I sobbed.

  “He's gone, my dear, he's gone.” My uncle tried to console me.

  When they could no longer keep me in bed any more, they let me go to see his corpse.

  His face was bruised and bloody as if he had been beaten to death. There were bullet holes in his chest. Dried blood collected around his mouth. His hands were as cold as ice, and there was my name printed in black ink on his right arm. ESTHER.

  “The doctors said it was suicide. He put bullets through his own heart.” Mr. Brad summed up the situation with his usual formality, despite my pain.

  I was silent. My vision was getting blurred as tears began to swell in my eyes. I could hear his corpse shouting at me, screaming at me. I couldn't take it. What had I done?

  “No, no ,no no, no!” The shriek of my voice echoed in the morgue, where the darkness of the room played orchestra to my pain.

  “He... he wasn't bad, you know. He just had a terrible life. He was a fragile, misunderstood kid, he ...” My voice got heavy as I started to sob again. I wanted to say more, but I couldn't. The pain exceeded my words.

  Three people.

  There were only three people at Johnny’s funeral: Edi, Mr. Brad, and me. Nobody in this fucking world knew who Johnny was, who that great kid was. No one knew the Johnny who fought with the world to be different but never get it quite right, who infused me with the possibility of horizons and love.

  All he got were a few inches of box to tuck in all the dreams and all his anger against the world in one place. I was not convinced that the small box or that grave could even contain half of his dreams and desire. Slowly, the blanket of this earth covered his body and I was still fighting. He should have been buried in the sky.

  Johnny’s face was before me constantly. I'll never forget his cold corpse lying lifeless, wanting to say so much to me, but I didn't understand.

  It’s all my fault. It’s my fault. I loved him. I never should have left him. After all, he was just like a kid. I should have understood. I should have understand. Yes, he didn’t know how to handle it, but he really loved me...he really loved me.

  As the memories buzzed through my mind, I moved towards the window. I opened it and a wild breeze entered. I looked down at the street, and I could swear I saw Johnny down there smiling and holding open his arms. He was so real, so there.

  So I climbed out onto the ledge. I almost nearly let myself fall, but suddenly Aadish entered the room and stopped me.

  Why did he save me? I don’t want to be saved.

  The color of my madness was deepening with every second. I could no longer write.

  ***

  If my tears were words

  I would have written a thousand books on you

  But I known words can be erased and forgotten

  Silence is easily remembered

  So I will keep walking in silence

  And you continue to love me in silence

  ***

  I remember our last day together. He didn't want me to go. I wanted to stay, too. So we hatched the plan to hide ourselves until my parents forgot about me.

  “Are you sure they won't find us?” I asked him from beneath the bench.

  It was dark and the park was closed. We were scared of ghosts and monsters, but the fear of being found was worse. We were starting to regret being so rebellious, because maybe if we had behaved better my parents would never send me away.

  “I'm pretty sure,” Johnny said, but that day, there was no confidence in his voice. Maybe he was too afraid to lose me.

  “Johnny, if they find us, promise me that you won't ever stop writing. You have a talent and you shouldn't waste it. Promise me you'll write every day, and then one day I
'll come back to you.”

  “I promise. Shhh ...” He put his finger to my lips as the footsteps started to come closer.

  Just one more day, or until everybody forgets about us, we prayed with our hearts pounding.

  Soon, however, the park was filled with policemen as we held each other’s hand tightly, praying that they missed us. I think it was the first time I saw him really praying for anything; otherwise he used to say there was no God. But he was breaking his rules for me that day, and I was impressed.

  The whole place lit up and the sound of moving feet came closer and closer.

  “I see them there!” I suddenly heard a man shout.

  “Please God, please don’t let them find us. Please.” But I guess sometimes praying isn’t enough.

  In no time, they were there.

  They pulled me out. Johnny started to fight with the cops, not letting them take me. But we were only two kids fighting against the world. He bit a policeman's hand and the man slapped him. He was eleven and was fighting with them as if he were an adult. He grabbed my hand and tried to run, but we were outnumbered.

  I saw my mom coming towards us

  “So, this is the boy who is ruining my daughter?" She shouted. "God, just look at him! Officer, give him the thrashing of a lifetime so he won't even think about my daughter again.”

  “No, you can’t do that, mommy!” I shouted and grabbed Johnny's hand tightly.

  But they pulled us apart and that was the last time I saw him. He had tears in his eyes and was still fighting for me while they drove me away. I looked back through the window. He was being beaten brutally.

  I cried for him whole night, not knowing when or if we would ever see each other again.

  I remember getting a letter once.

  “Deer Esther

  I hope you reach well. I so much miss you and kiss you; I am in this shitty place someday I am goanna run away. And, I haven’t spent a penny from your piggy bank. When will I sea you again I sea you in my dream every night. So did you go beyond horizon what is in there? Tell me about it how is it one day when I will grow wings I will come also come there miss you and kiss you . . .Jonny”