The Joke's on Selby

by Duncan Ball

  ‘These are the jokes, folks,’ Gary said. ‘They’re going to broadcast them all around the ship so people can hear them no matter where they are. I’m going to make the Fun ‘n’ Happy Cruise fun fun fun and hap–hap–happy. Why don’t you two come along?’

  ‘We could use a break,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What ship is it?’

  ‘It’s called the Rose Bouquet 2.’

  ‘The Rose Bouquet 2? I remember the Rose Bouquet 1. Didn’t it sink?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Gary said. ‘It hit an iceberg but everyone got off safely.’

  ‘It’s very odd to name a ship after one that sank,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘They didn’t name it after the other one,’ Gary explained. ‘The Rose Bouquet 2 is the Rose Bouquet 1 fixed up. They just refloated it.’

  ‘Wow, that’s weird,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’d feel strange sailing in a ship that’s been at the bottom of the sea.’

  ‘Me, too,’ Selby thought as a shiver shot up his spine. ‘Sunken ships. Spooky-dooky.’

  ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ Gary told the Trifles. ‘But seriously, people are begging to go on this cruise. Of course if they beg, they aren’t allowed to go.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because beggars can’t be cruisers. Woo woo woo!’ Gary said, strutting around like a chicken.

  ‘Yes, very good,’ Mrs Trifle said, still wondering about Gary’s joke. ‘But what will we do with Selby?’

  ‘Bring him along. I’ll tell the Fun ‘n’ Happy Cruise people that if they don’t let Selby go, I won’t go.’

  ‘In that case,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘count us in.’

  ‘Oh boy, oh boy,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going on a real live cruise. And I get to hear all of Gary’s great jokes! This is going to be so much fun!’

  Two days later, Selby and the Trifles boarded the Rose Bouquet 2.

  ‘They haven’t done a great fixing–up job,’ Mrs Trifle said as she looked at the rust streaks down its sides.

  ‘No,’ Dr Trifle agreed. ‘It looks like they’ve just spray-painted over the rust. Come on, let’s find our stateroom.’

  Down and down they went to the lowest deck. All along the walls Selby could see paint-covered bits of seaweed and barnacles.

  ‘Sheeesh,’ Selby thought. ‘This ship gives me the heebie-jeebies. It reminds me of when I went down in that submarine and got stuck in the wreck of the SS Humungous.* I don’t know if I’m going to like this.’

  Soon the ship had cast off and Selby and the Trifles stood on the deck, watching the land disappear into the distance.

  ‘Surely there wouldn’t be any icebergs around here,’ Mrs Trifle said nervously, looking up ahead of the ship.

  ‘It’s possible,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘In fact the iceberg this ship hit when it was the Rose Bouquet 1 was right near here. It must have drifted all the way up from the Antarctic.’

  ‘I wish Dr Trifle hadn’t said that,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’m really nervous. Bad enough that this ship has already sunk once. Double sheeeesh!’

  ‘Captains don’t always see icebergs,’ Dr Trifle went on, ‘because the icebergs mostly under water with just a tiny bit sticking up. When they do see them it’s often too late. Then the ice rips the ship apart.’

  ‘Rips the ship apart, triple sheeeeesh!’ Selby thought.

  ‘I wish you hadn’t told me that,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’ll have iceberg nightmares.’

  ‘Me, too,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’ve got icebergs on the brain.’

  Suddenly there was the crackle of a loudspeaker.

  ‘Hiya hiya hiya,’ came Gary’s voice. ‘This is Gary Gaggs, your non-stop comic. I was just in the kitchen and this guy comes in with a fish in a fish tank. He says, “Do you know how to make fishcakes?” The cook says, “Certainly, sir.” So the guy says, “Then make him a chocolate cake. It’s his birthday.” Woo woo woo!’

  ‘I’m not sure I get that one,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle.

  ‘Seriously, folks, the fish was swimming around in the tank with a cigarette in its mouth. It must have been a puffer fish. There were these two fish in a tank. One of them says, “You drive and I’ll shoot the gun.” Get it? Two fish in a tank?’

  ‘Hey, I like that one,’ Selby thought.

  ‘This pirate wanted to have his ears pierced,’ Gary said. ‘He had to pay a buccaneer. That’s a buck an ear, folks. No kidding. There’s this guy who orders three dozen oysters. His wife says, “Can I have one?” And he says, “No, get your own.” She says, “That’s very shellfish of you.” Woo woo woo! Once I opened a hundred oysters,’ Gary went on, ‘then I pulled a mussel.’

  ‘He pulled a mussel,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s too funny! Oh, no! He’s going to make me laugh!’

  ‘I got seasick at lunchtime. I ended up having two lunches — one down and one up. Woo woo woo. Seriously, folks, my watch must have been very hungry — it went back for seconds. Get it? It went back four seconds. Oh, you’re a lively group today. If you can’t laugh, just throw money. I asked the waiter what was taking the cook so long and he said, “He’s making spaghetti.” I said, “But spaghetti isn’t even on the menu.” And he said, “He makes it just to pasta time.” I think I’ll give that guy a pizza my mind. Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Oh, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘You’re brilliant!’

  ‘Let’s go up to the bridge,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Bridge?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What bridge?’

  ‘The bridge is a room where the captain steers the ship,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘They said we can go up there at any time.’

  Selby followed Dr and Mrs Trifle up to the bridge. There was an old man standing at the wheel.

  ‘Captain Whitecap, at the helm,’ he said. ‘Welcome aboard.’

  ‘Captain Whitecap?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Are you any relation to the Captain Whitecap who was the captain of the Rose Bouquet 1?’

  ‘Yes … I mean no … I mean yes,’ the man said. ‘I mean it was me.’

  ‘So you’re the one who hit it?’ ‘Hit it?’

  ‘The iceberg.’

  ‘Please,’ the captain said, clutching his chest. ‘Don’t use that word. It brings back terrible memories.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I was just surprised that you were the captain when this ship hit an ice … thingy and now you’re the captain again.’

  ‘Okay, so I made a silly little mistake once — twice — but that’s all behind me now.’

  ‘Twice?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You made two silly little mistakes?’

  ‘Yes, I was the captain of the SS Humungous when it sank after it hit … when it hit an … an …’

  ‘Did the Humungous also hit an … one of those things?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘It’s so easy to do,’ the captain sighed. ‘There’s only a bit of them sticking out of the water, you know. It didn’t show up on the radar. By the time I saw it, it was too late. Have you ever tried to stop a ship like this? Or just turn it? It takes ages!’

  Selby watched as a thick blanket of fog came towards the ship.

  ‘Fog,’ the captain said. ‘I hate fog almost as much as I hate … you–know–whats.’

  The captain hit the radar screen with his hand. The green screen flickered on and then went off again.

  ‘Hasn’t worked properly since we sank,’ the captain said. ‘I can’t wait for this cruise to end. This’ll be my last. Overdue to retire.’

  ‘I think we’d better leave you to it,’ Dr Trifle said nervously, opening the door.

  ‘Leave your dog here to keep me company,’ the captain said. ‘Dogs are good luck on ships. Actually, it’s cats that are good luck but he’ll do. What’s his name?’

  ‘Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’ll come back for him later.’

  ‘This guy is so jumpy,’ Selby thought after the Trifles had left the bridge. ‘I think he should have retired years ago.’

  Gary’s voice came over the loudspeaker again.

  �
�Hello again, folks,’ he said. ‘It’s Gary Gaggs, your gaggy gag man again. Did you see that tiny island we passed a little while ago? It was just sand with one palm tree. There was a guy wearing nothing but rags. He was jumping up and down waving. I said to the captain, I said, “Who’s that guy and what’s he doing?” And the captain said, “I don’t know. He does that every year when we pass by.” Woo woo woo! Just kidding. This is a great ship, the Rust Bucket,’ Gary said. ‘I mean the Rose Bouquet. Of course it’s a bit of a sick ship. Do you know what a sick ship is? It’s a boat that needs to see a dock.’

  The captain let out a little laugh. ‘Hey, this guy is good, isn’t he, Selby?’ he said.

  ‘But seriously, folks. They would have scraped all the rust off this ship but they realised that the rust was the only thing holding it together.’

  ‘That’s so true!’ the captain laughed. ‘Why am I laughing?’

  ‘What do you get when you cross an ocean with the Rose Bouquet? I’ll tell you: halfway. See? It hit an iceberg. Ha ha ha ha. I love that one.’

  ‘Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled. ‘Did he say iceberg?’

  ‘But seriously, folks, this ship has lots of modern facilities,’ Gary went on. ‘You’ll be able to have swimming lessons in your own cabins — after we hit another iceberg! Woo woo woo!’

  ‘Ice … Ice …’ the captain said.

  ‘Oh, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘No more iceberg jokes, please. You’re freaking the captain out.’

  ‘I’ve got lots more jokes,’ Gary said. ‘This is just the tip of the iceberg. Woo woo woo! Why am I getting a sinking feeling?’

  ‘Tip of the iceberg,’ the captain mumbled. ‘Sinking. Got to get out of here.’

  ‘The captain is terrified,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s not doing anything. He’s just standing there.’

  Selby put his paws up to the window and stood there, straining to see through the mist.

  ‘Seriously, folks, the Titanic hits an iceberg, right?’ Gary went on, ‘And it’s got a hole in the bottom. So the captain comes running up to this big guy. He says, “You’re just the right size. Go down below, find the hole and push yourself down into it, legs first.” And the guy says, “Will that keep us from sinking?” and the captain says, “No, but we’re short one lifejacket.” Woo woo woo!’

  Suddenly Selby saw something white in the water up ahead. ‘What is it? Is it the tip of an iceberg? The captain hasn’t seen it. He’s just frozen there! I’ve got to do something!’

  Selby barked his loudest bark but the captain only turned around and sat down in a chair, muttering, ‘Abandon ship. Abandon ship.’

  ‘What am I going to do now?’ Selby thought, whacking the radar screen on the side. ‘Hey! It’s coming back. The green line is going around and around. Oh, no! I think I see a blip straight ahead of us! There’s something out there!’

  Selby turned the wheel hard to the side but the ship kept going straight ahead.

  ‘How do you drive this thing?’ he thought. And then he said, out loud, ‘Captain Whitecap! Do something! We’re going to hit an iceberg!’

  ‘Iceberg? … Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled.

  ‘The guy is completely out of it,’ Selby thought, grabbing the microphone. Selby cleared his throat and put on his best captain’s voice. ‘This is your captain speaking. Go to the nearest lifeboats and get ready to abandon ship.’

  Suddenly there was a burst of laughter from all around the ship.

  ‘They think I’m Gary Gaggs!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘They don’t believe me!’

  ‘Seriously, folks!’ Selby yelled and before he could say anything else there was another roar of laughter and people yelling, ‘Woo woo woo.’

  ‘Why did I say that?’ Selby asked himself.

  ‘No kidding …’ he started but again there was laughter.

  ‘What am I going to do?’ he thought. Then he called out, ‘Hey! Everyone! There’s an iceberg up ahead and we’re about to crash into it!’

  For a moment there was silence. Then someone yelled, ‘What’s the punchline?’

  ‘Hey! That doesn’t sound like Gary Gaggs!’ someone else yelled. ‘It’s not Gary!’

  ‘It can’t be,’ the first someone yelled. ‘Gary’s already sitting in a lifeboat. Everybody to the lifeboats!’

  Selby could see people running around the decks and lifeboats being lowered.

  ‘Thank goodness,’ he thought. ‘Now it’s my turn. Hey, Captain Whitecap!’ Selby shouted, ‘Snap out of it! Get a grip! Abandon ship! Oh, no! He’s just sitting there! What can I do?’

  Selby slapped the man in the face a couple of times. Then he heard the door behind him open.

  ‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle yelled. ‘Come quickly!’

  ‘Here, boy,’ Dr Trifle called.

  Selby bounded out the door but Dr and Mrs Trifle suddenly stopped.

  ‘Hey, the captain’s still in here!’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing the man’s hand. ‘Come with us. It’s okay. Everyone’s ready to abandon ship.’

  Before Selby knew it, they were sitting in a lifeboat, watching as the Rose Bouquet 2 sailed on into the mist. And as the mist gradually cleared, Selby spotted the white thing again in the water.

  ‘What is that?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘An iceberg?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s much too small.’

  ‘It’s one of those plastic things to keep food cold,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Someone must have lost it off their boat.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Selby groaned. ‘I thought it was the tip of an iceberg. What have I done? We’ll never catch up with the ship now and they’ll blame poor old Captain Whitecap for this. I can’t let it happen. I’ve got to tell everyone that it’s my fault. My secret will be out but at least I won’t feel bad about it for the rest of my life.’

  Selby cleared his throat and put his paw up on the side of the lifeboat. He opened his mouth and —

  ‘Get a look at this!’ someone cried.

  Suddenly there was a huge creeeeeeekkkk! and a crooooorrrrrkkk! and a crash! When the mist cleared there was the Rose Bouquet 2 sinking nose down into the depths. Next to it was a huge iceberg.

  ‘An iceberg!’ everyone gasped. ‘It’s a good thing we all got off okay.’

  ‘Three cheers for the captain!’ someone yelled. ‘If it wasn’t for him we’d be at the bottom of the ocean by now!’

  Everyone cheered.

  Suddenly Gary said, ‘Where’s Mandy?’

  ‘Mandy who?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Mandy lifeboats, the ship just sank!’ Gary laughed. ‘Woo woo woo! Get it? I’ve got a million of them. But seriously, folks, this rich lady wants to send a letter so she goes to the post office and they sell her a stamp. So she says, “Do you mean I have to stick this on myself?” and the guy says, “No, stick it on the letter, you ninny."’

  ‘That Gary is a joke genius,’ Selby thought as he struggled not to laugh. ‘His ship can sink but he’ll never lose his old magic.’

  * Paw note: If you want to read about that adventure, see ‘Selby Submerged’ in the book Selby Surfs. S

  SELBY’S SHEMOZZLE

  Selby was lying on his mat in the Trifles’ house when he heard a familiar voice.

  ‘This tape has some of the jokes for my new show,’ said Gary Gaggs. ‘Do you want to hear some?’

  ‘I’d love to,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘Me too!’ Selby thought as Gary started the tape player. ‘I just love this guy’s jokes.’

  ‘Okay, here goes … A fellow goes to a doctor and the doctor listens to his chest and says, “There’s something ticking in there.” And the guy says, “I know there is. I swallowed a clock.” And the doctor says, “Why didn’t you tell me that straightaway?” And the guy says, “Because I didn’t want to alarm you."’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Alarm you. It was an alarm clock.’

  ‘I said to a friend of mine, I said, “Cheer up. Things could be worse.” So he cheered up and, s
ure enough, things got worse. Woo woo woo! A burglar broke into my house last night. I pulled out a gun and said, “Take one more step and I’ll let you have it!” He took another step so I let him have it. What was I going to do with that old gun anyway?’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh! Oh! Oh! Now I do! He let him have it. He let him have the gun. Oh, Gary, that’s great!’

  ‘That’s a good one, Gary,’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh.

  ‘A mother says to her son, “I’m going to make you eat your words!” And the kid says, “How can you do that?” And she says, “We’re having alphabet soup for lunch.” Woo woo woo! But seriously, folks, an astronaut is about to step down onto the moon. A little green alien comes running up and says, “Go away! You can’t land here!” And the astronaut says, “Why not?” So the alien says, “Because the moon is full” Woo woo woo! The other day I was in an art gallery and this lady said to a guard, “That painting over there of a woman is the ugliest painting I’ve ever seen!” And the guard said, “I hate to tell you this, lady, but that’s not a painting — it’s a mirror."’

  ‘Oh, she was looking at herself!’ Selby thought. ‘This guy cracks me up. But I’ve got to keep from laughing or I’ll give away my secret!’

  ‘But seriously, folks,’ Gary’s tape continued, ‘a girl bought a rubber piano. She wanted to play in a rubber band.’

  Gary stopped the tape player. ‘Do you like the jokes?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, but that last one was terrible!’ Mrs Trifle said with a laugh. ‘By the way, is this show coming here, to Bogusville?’

  ‘Are you kidding? They hate me here.’

  ‘They don’t hate you, Gary. They’re just afraid you’ll tell your killer joke again. I’m so glad we didn’t go to that show.’

  ‘Me too,’ Selby thought.

  ‘Don’t remind me,’ said Gary with a sigh. ‘What a shemozzle. Half the audience landed in hospital from laughing too hard. And the rest of them ripped their pants. I couldn’t even stop laughing myself.’

  ‘You laughed at your own joke?’

  ‘It was very, very funny. And I hadn’t heard the punchline before.’

  ‘What do you mean?’