Love is My Sin: Oathcursed, Book 2

by Julia Knight

  She grasped at her mace as if it were the only thing that kept her in this world. The sweating was back, the burning in her stomach, the nausea. It was all she could do to stand upright for a moment. But she answered as best she could. “No. I won’t obey a god who would kill a man for lies. Will you?”

  He opened his mouth to reply, looking oddly confused, but then a shout rang out from the Disciple’s leader and they all drew back.

  Hilde fought back a grin, wiped a smear of blood from her eye and stood firm in front of the shrine. Those who had followed the Disciples hung back, unwilling to intrude on the space in front of her and Regin’s supporters.

  “My god is wrong,” she said. “Leave this place be, unless you want more of this.”

  A deal of muttering erupted but no one stepped forward. Hilde turned back to the men who had fought with her. “I came to have words with Regin. Will you let me enter?”

  The older soldier laughed and clapped her on the back. “Aye, anyone who fights for him like that deserves a word or two with him. We’ll hold here.”

  She stepped into the shrine. Nothing fancy, just a small room with whitewashed walls and a depression in the floor where people left their offerings. Two brackets sat side by side on the wall, presumably to hold Regin’s sword. Above that hung a small mural of Regin. The likeness of him was very good, but Ilfayne would doubtless have made fun of it, and Regin, had he seen it.

  Black and red silk ribbons fluttered from the brackets, from the sconces of the torches that ringed the room, from everywhere that could hold them. The depression overflowed with flowers, food, all manner of gifts. More offerings than she’d ever seen in any of Oku’s temples.

  She didn’t have a clue why she was here, or what she wanted to say. She wished Regin was standing beside her again so he could help her see her way out of this tangle. Wished he could tell Ilfayne that he was an idiot. He’d always been so clear-minded about what was the right thing to do. Never the easy thing, that was the trouble.

  Helping Hunter was the right thing to do, she was sure of it, sure in her bones. But if it meant that she lost Ilfayne, that they stayed on opposite sides of this, then she wasn’t sure she could. While she relished the fact that he wasn’t babying her, that she could do as she pleased, and that she’d managed to help save Regin’s shrine without his help, she missed him already. Missed his steady presence, the way he accepted everything about her without thought. Even missed his sarcastic little remarks. And especially the way he loved her, kissed her, held her. Her stomach burned again at the memory of his kiss, but didn’t stop at a pleasant glow. It seared in her like a furnace. The blood ran away from her face, left it stiff and cold and she had to prop herself up on the wall. After a few moments it was gone.

  Damn it, and damn him. She wasn’t going to go running back to him. He was wrong and she couldn’t sit by while Hunter was hanged. Even if it meant she lost Ilfayne. She couldn’t let Hunter die for nothing. Not for nothing. She wiped away tears she didn’t remember crying. It was all such a mess. Please Regin, make him see sense. That would do for a prayer.

  A great roar boomed around the small room and the darkness in the crowd surged through her, twisted in her brain and heart, and almost staggered her against the wall in its intensity.

  Hilde peered out the door. Things were getting out of hand in the square. At least two buildings were crackling with fire and the Disciples had begun a renewed assault on the shrine. Maybe if she told Ilfayne what the Disciples were doing, under Valguard’s orders and presumably Oku’s, then he would help. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Regin’s memory, she was sure of that. It was pretty much all he and Hunter had ever agreed on.

  The shouting in the square behind her grew again, mingled with screams and yells of pain. One voice rang above the rest, “It’s that bastard mage!” before it dissolved into a strangled howl of terror.

  Surely, surely Ilfayne wouldn’t bring down Regin’s shrine. The one thing she thought he would never do. Oku had said himself, reverence was good and proper. It was only worship that he wanted stopped. She gripped her mace and went to the doorway.

  Chaos reigned in the square. Men milled, aimless and angry, striking indiscriminately. Disciples beat down anyone who got too close to them, or to Ilfayne.

  There he stood like some avenging demon, cloaked in flames that didn’t touch him. Sweat streamed from his face, caught in his eyelashes and beard, dripped from his chin. His eyes looked blurred somehow, not quite present as he swayed and raised his hand towards the shrine, preparing a spell that would render it nothing but ash.

  She stepped out into the doorway so that he could see her and hefted her mace in her hand. She would not, could not let him do this. Destroy all reverence for the only friend he’d ever had besides her. Destroy almost the last part of decency he had in him.

  His eyes seemed not to see her, see anything as he raised his hand and spoke his words.

  “Ilfayne, stop this!” She had to make him see, but he was blind to her, to everything around him, and his heart was shut to her. What in Kyr’s name was wrong with him? She ran forward a few paces, until she stood right in front of him, almost blocked his view of the shrine. “Ilfayne!”

  He blinked heavily and raised his flaming hand towards her face, before his features cleared. His jaw trembled and he fought for words. “Hilde? That can’t be you, you’re safe.”

  “Ilfayne, what in the gods’ names are you doing? This is Regin’s shrine. Regin’s! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  “Not anymore. Not Regin’s anymore. Tainted by Mithotyn. I won’t have them tarnish his name with that filth.” Little puffs of smoke leaked from his mouth as he talked.

  “That’s not true. Don’t you think I would know? I’d feel it in them. There is something here, something dark and hungry, but it’s not in these men. I swear it.”

  Valguard stood behind him. He leant over Ilfayne’s shoulder. “Your companion, your little diversion from loneliness, she lies. That is all she’s ever been to you, isn’t that true? Not a replacement for your wife, your sons. Just the only person who would travel with you, keep you from your loneliness. That’s true, isn’t it?”

  “I…” Ilfayne shook his head, confused, and drops of sweat flew to land in the dust at his feet.

  Valguard grinned at Hilde, a grin like a dead man wearing a mask, and talked softly to Ilfayne. “You know that she’d do this for Hunter whether he’s guilty or no. She lies. Oku will give you back all that you lost. Everything. But I need to be rid of this taint in this city of Oku. Her and Hunter too. They defile this city. And if you do not—the Dark. For her and you. She’s tainted by Mithotyn. You have no choice. You have to kill her. For Oku. For your oath. For your soul.”

  She was right—Valguard had brought them all to this dire pass. Valguard, whose subtle words dripped vitriol in every ear. Valguard who would see her dead, on the gibbet or any other way.

  Ilfayne stared at her, his hazy eyes intent on hers then shook his head slowly when Valguard had finished. “Too much. Oku always asks too much.”

  “If you do, then Oku will give back all that was taken from you. Your wife, your sons. Your life.”

  Ilfayne’s jaw worked as the words hit him. He looked down at his hand and back up to Hilde. “I—I don’t—”

  “Do it! Do it and your sons will live again. Your wife will share your bed, will forgive you for your taking up with this. If you ever loved your wife, you would do this for her.”

  A frown puckered Ilfayne’s forehead. “But—she’ll forgive me? Truly?”

  Hilde’s heart twisted in her chest, a pain so intense it almost brought her to her knees. She’d often feared this to be true. That he loved her, but only as a buffer against the crushing loneliness that was his for eternity. And now it came down to it, she didn’t care. She only cared that he loved her—that would be enough. But she couldn’t fight against his family, his guilt for their deaths.

  Ilfayne stared at
her for a long time and his eyes were haunted, confused. Then raised his flaming hand towards her again.

  The dream, just as in her dream. She shut her eyes against it. Knew that he would choose his wife, the sons whose deaths had driven him to this cruel existence. And didn’t blame him. Heat bathed her face before it receded.

  “I—I can’t,” he breathed.

  She opened her eyes and had to work to stay on her feet in relief as Valguard hardened his face. “Then you’ve broken your oath, and worse, you’ll not get the peace of limbo. Oku has spoken. You’ll get the Dark.”

  Ilfayne reeled back a step, his eyes dark and livid with terror. In the Dark all your worst deeds haunted you, tormented you, tortured you. Always. Adulterers, oathbreakers and murderers. All those people Ilfayne had killed in his grief-stricken madness for his wife and sons, they would all take his soul and rip it. It would never dissolve, never become so shredded they couldn’t tear it some more. He’d been promised haven from that, they both had, even if it was just the nothingness of sentient limbo, not the sweet promise of the Halls. Now that promise was taken away.

  Hilde reached out to take his arm but stopped. Something in her couldn’t bring herself to. He stood, hunched slightly, holding his stump to himself as though it pained him more than usual. Steam rose from the shoulders of his waistcoat.

  When he straightened and looked at her with blurred and incoherent eyes, she knew there was nothing of him there, nothing that she knew. Something had taken him from her. Or someone. Valguard.

  She gripped the mace tighter and looked at Ilfayne, at his eyes that were shrouded in misery and desperation. “Would you do it?”

  Sweat ran through his beard and dripped on her hand. It was not as hot as that. Why was he sweating so much?

  “I don’t want to. Step back. Please. I promised I’d keep you safe. You have to stay safe.”

  His voice was blurred and indistinct rather than his usual sharp tones. What had been done to him? He shut his eyes and clenched his fist, ready for who knew what, and then an almighty slap echoed round the buildings, as though a mountain had smacked its foothill son for misbehaving.

  “Idiot!” The word reverberated across the square but she couldn’t have said with surety where it had come from. Ilfayne tumbled across the stones and fetched up against a wall halfway back to the citadel. The mood in the square changed, subtly but forcefully.

  All noise died down, muffled in a low murmur that ran through the crowd like ink in water, slowly but steadily colouring the whole. Something, someone had tossed that mage like a rag, it said. “Maybe this is a sign. Maybe this is a trick.” Fear and confusion flowed through the crowd, replaced the black hunger that had been there before.

  Valguard ran towards the gates, yanked at Ilfayne’s arm, dragged him through the crowds into the citadel and ordered the gates shut behind him. Hilde lowered her mace with a shaking hand, and only then realised she’d been ready to use it. How had it come to this?

  A solid hand landed on her shoulder and she bit back a scream. It was the older soldier from earlier. She let out a gusty breath of relief. He looked straight in her face, in her eyes like so many men were afraid to do.

  “Good job, lass. I thought my arse was toast for a minute there. You come with me. There’s more than a few of us’n, and we’ll do anything to help Lord Hunter. Heard tell about you, and not believed most of it till now. But the regent spoke of you highly a few times that I heard, and he’s a man whose opinion I trust. It’s only them fools with brooms up their arses or porridge for brains believe a word of what Valguard charged him with. Sannir they call me, I was a sergeant in Hunter’s own guard, till I told ’em where to stuff it when I heard the verdict. Now, what are we going to do about it?”

  Proposition

  The hideous events of the day made sleep impossible and Nerinna’s bedclothes were tangled and damp with sweat. She couldn’t sit and do nothing, couldn’t watch as they killed Hunter. Part of her didn’t even care whether what Valguard had said was true.

  She tried to sleep, to trust that Aran or Hilde would somehow be able to untangle this mess, but now, in the darkest depths of the night when every fear comes back a hundredfold, she could stay there no longer. She had to help Hunter, had to. She almost didn’t care if he hated her, so long as he was alive.

  Nerinna stared down at Hunter’s beautiful city as it burned. She couldn’t think of it any other way. It was his, completely. The way they fought below her window was evidence of that. Valguard had made a mistake doing this here and not taking Hunter for trial in the capital, Ganberg. This city, these people claimed Hunter for their own.

  There was no use for it, she could do little or nothing for Hunter without going through Valguard. The thought made her shudder. He had the city held down and squirming under his thumb. Every protest at Hunter’s sentence had been dealt with quickly and ruthlessly. She watched the main square from her window, the confusion that rippled through the crowd before anger popped up here and there and spread like fire. Scuffles and brawls broke out and she feared a riot until the Disciples managed to regain some semblance of order. The panic and hatred in the city formed a palpable force in the air.

  While plenty down there seemed prepared to believe everything Valguard said, from the vigorous defence put up many more refused to believe any such thing. Mobs of men surged back and forth, neither getting the upper hand, but Valguard’s adherents, and those who held Oku above all, had the Disciples on their side. Disciples and one wizard.

  Ilfayne cut a path through the mob—flames followed him like a pack of faithful dogs. Another skirmish broke out in front of what looked to be some kind of large shrine. It seemed to be the focus of the Disciple’s push forward. Regin’s shrine then.

  Someone moved out of the doorway. A woman. Hilde? Nerinna couldn’t see from this distance, could only see that she was very small and slight compared to the other defenders. She stood before Ilfayne. A brave woman, to stand there and beard a wizard, no matter their relationship. From Nerinna’s experience men were only with women for what they could get. They didn’t care. Ilfayne wouldn’t stop what he was doing for Hilde. But still she stood there, stood up to him. Nerinna shook her head at the folly and admired it just the same.

  Every perception that Nerinna had of her was shattered. Not the other woman. Not a weak little thing. Nerinna barely even thought of her as different now, could almost forget the deathly pale skin and the odd eyes. Or the way those eyes seemed to dig into her and pull out all her deepest thoughts. Her father would have said her eyes boded evil. But Nerinna saw nothing evil in Hilde.

  Ilfayne raised his hand and a clear voice rang out above the tumult “Idiot!” Ilfayne flew backwards and was hustled off by Valguard and his Disciples. Hilde disappeared in a press of men.

  Still the fight raged in the square, now ebbing, now rising, neither side gaining the upper hand. Finally a bell chimed midnight somewhere above her. No time, she had no time. She had to see what she could do to persuade Valguard. If she was to have a chance she had much to do first. She made her way to the outer door and opened it, expecting to have to persuade the guards she was in no danger, that she wanted the comfort of her own rooms.

  Aran’s own guards had been replaced. Now Disciples stood outside the door. Valguard was striding towards her, smiling in a way that made her want to back away, very slowly, as far as she could get. She had seen smiles like that before on the faces of some of the men her father had sent her to. Smiles that suggested they owned her, even for just one night. Smiles that hid cruel hearts. She stood very still.

  He moved towards her and forced her back into the room by his sheer bulk, still smiling that smile. He shut the door behind him. “Ah, there you are. We were beginning to worry. Some of the unrest’s reached as far as the inner gate. Rabble, but still, we must be protective of our future queen. Young Aran was most insistent. A half dozen of my best Disciples stand ready to protect you. But you must stay here until the exec
ution. Then all this will die down.”

  He moved very close to her, so that she had to force herself not to take a step back. His armour brushed the bodice of her dress. Far too close for comfort. She dug her nails into the palm of her hand. An old tactic. Make a small pain, really concentrate on it so you don’t notice the bigger pain.

  She shuddered at the oily tone of his voice, but kept what she’d decided in mind. “My lord Valguard…” She looked again into his faded blue eyes and her stomach twisted at what she meant to do. For a moment she couldn’t bring herself to say it, but he must think she’d swallowed his lies, that she was on his side if Hunter were to have a chance. “My lord, I have an offer for you that I hope you will not refuse.”

  He smiled and raised a hand towards her face, hesitated a little as though he wondered whether he dared, then slid his fingers along her cheek and behind her neck. She did not resist though every nerve ending screamed at her to move. This was what she had intended, what she had to do.

  “Now, you are under my protection,” he said. “The Prime Servant’s. And I will take what Oku promised me.” He leant forward and kissed her unresisting lips. She couldn’t move, could do nothing but stand there while her heart screamed out its horror.

  He pulled away and frowned down at her, his eyes slicing into hers. “I expect a little more enthusiasm on your god’s behalf.”

  She pressed her lips together to hold in a sob. She only had one thing to offer, but if it was all she had, she would give it. What she’d always offered. She took a deep breath and spoke in her most imperious tone. “I am not promised by anyone but myself, my lord. But I shall enthuse as much as you wish, if you give me what I want.”

  He smiled indulgently, sure now he had her. His hand slid down inside the bodice of her dress and she had to work at not flinching from his touch. “And what would that be?”

  “Stay the execution. Keep him in the prisons, do what you will, but don’t hang him.”

  She couldn’t hold the tears any more. Hunter had done something to her, shown her something she wanted to know more of. She’d never loved any of the men she’d lain with. She wanted, just once, to have that. Above that, she wanted Hunter alive. No matter what the cost. Even if she never got to tell him her heart, or if he hated her for it, and he would. So many times she’d done this for loyalty pledges, for alliance, for the Reethan, for whatever her father ordered. For once, she would do it for love.