‘He wouldn’t be the first member to die in those kind of circumstances, would he?’
Jesse leaned back against Kip’s bike, his eyes fixed on Lexi, and she felt her stomach contract as she looked at him, properly looked at him for the first time in eight years.
‘You haven’t changed,’ she whispered, reaching out to touch his face, an almost reflex action she’d had no control over. She ran her fingers over his beard, his slightly open mouth, remembering how much she’d loved him. Or how much she’d thought she’d loved him. For a lot of years her emotions had been all over the place, but this man in front of her, he’d meant something to her. Once. But that confusion she’d felt, those fucked-up emotions she hadn’t been able to control, they’d caused the mess that had seen her driven out of Paradise. They’d hurt Jesse. They’d hurt her. They’d almost certainly led to the death of Shane, a man she’d never really loved, they’d just been thrown together as a result of circumstances created by people who had no real right to tell them how to live their lives. Yet that’s what they’d let them do. Shane had been a distraction – one of many she regretted – and by the time he’d died they’d really been nothing more than friends, their mixed-up and confused relationship no more than a distant memory. Because if someone else had intervened, put a stop to her leaving Paradise; if that man she’d wanted so badly had fought for her she wouldn’t even have followed Shane out of the compound never mind all the way back to England. Shane had been a good man, a loyal brother; he’d ended up being one of her dad’s most trusted sergeants, but she’d never really loved him. And she felt her heart break at the thought of everything that had happened as a consequence of what she and Shane had done – what they’d had to do. The things she regretted – and the things she could never regret.
‘After everything that’s happened I would have thought that was a bad thing,’ Jesse said, making no attempt to remove her hand. To be touched by her again was something he’d craved for a long time. Too long. And he hadn’t even realized just how much he’d missed it until he’d felt her fingers on his skin. Her touch as familiar as it had been the last time she’d been here.
Lexi smiled, running her thumb lightly over his lower lip. ‘I am so sorry, Jesse. For everything.’
He put his hand over hers, and Lexi breathed in deeply, the shock of his touch after so long hitting her quite unexpectedly. ‘So am I, baby.’
‘But I need to be here. In Paradise. There are things I need to do…’ She stopped talking, looking at their clasped hands.
‘What’s going on here, Lexi?’
Their eyes locked, and for a few blissful seconds it was like it had used to be, those carefree days when she’d hung out here at the compound, sat with him outside the clubhouse while they’d shared a cigarette, or helped him out in the garage. The days before she’d suddenly grown tired of the shit being attached to a club member could kick up. Did she really want to go back to that? Did she have any other choice?
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, his hand on her hip pulling her closer. ‘And I can’t… I can’t make any promises, Jesse, because I just don’t know.’ Every inch of her was experiencing that ache again, that need to feel him kiss her, touch her; make love to her the way he’d used to. But she wasn’t sure letting any of that happen was a good idea. It wasn’t fair, to let him think she was back for him, when she didn’t really know what she was back for just yet. Being here, with him, it was just making her weak. Making her remember the good days. She needed to be strong now, and not just for her sake.
‘Jesus, Lexi… you are fucking with my head big time here.’
She rested her forehead against his, his fingers tightening around hers. ‘I didn’t want to do that, baby, really. I didn’t. But I… I had to come back. I had to.’
‘I tried to move my life on, Lexi. I’m with someone else now and she’s… she’s been good for me, you know?’
Lexi tried to smile, but it wasn’t in any hurry to come. She’d heard about his new relationship while she’d been over in England – Deena Lopez, a glamour model and part-time porn star who did a lot of work for the Lone Riders’ movie business here in Paradise. It had stung to hear about her then, and it wasn’t any easier to hear him talk about her now. ‘I’m glad. That you moved on, I mean.’
‘Yeah, well…’ He trailed off, letting go of her, and the feeling of despair that caused Lexi was indescribable. Pulling his hat out of his back pocket he slid it down over his long dark hair. ‘I’m gonna go find Kip and the guys.’
She moved away from his bike, folding her arms against herself as she watched him straddle the black leather seat, the revving of the engine filling the otherwise quiet compound before he sped away, out of the open gate.
Lexi closed her eyes, exhaling slowly.
‘Didn’t go to plan, huh?’
She opened her eyes and spun around to see Angie standing behind her. ‘I wasn’t expecting hearts and flowers.’
‘Come inside.’
‘What kind of welcome am I gonna get?’
‘Honey, as far as the majority of those guys in there go you are gonna be something they’ll welcome back with open arms and hard dicks. I certainly got myself one beautiful daughter, that’s for sure. Baby, you just got a whole lot prettier since the last time I saw you.’
‘How does Tay feel about my return?’
‘Tay loves you like his own, Lexi. Even if you could never find it in your heart to reciprocate.’
Lexi looked at her mum. She was a stunningly beautiful woman herself, someone who looked so much younger than her fifty-six years with her slim figure and red-streaked dark-blonde hair, those piercing blue eyes of hers so striking in her heart-shaped face. Lexi could see a lot of her mother in herself, and that wasn’t always such a bad thing. She’d idolized her father, but she’d always respected her mum even if, at times, it hadn’t looked that way. ‘It wasn’t Tay’s fault I couldn’t love him back the way he loved me.’
Angie looked at her daughter again, narrowing her eyes only slightly. ‘No. It wasn’t. But it wasn’t entirely mine, either.’
Lexi held her gaze for a few seconds longer before she finally broke the stare, looking over towards the clubhouse. The sound of loud music and raucous laughter and the clattering of something that sounded like cutlery being dropped on to a hard tiled floor followed by jeers and whoops spilled out of the open door that led inside. ‘Maybe it’s best I go.’
Angie shrugged. ‘That’s up to you, darlin’. But you’ve made that all-important first step. You came home. And that took some guts, kiddo.’
Lexi stared at her mum again. Their relationship had never really been one she’d totally understood, but she’d always looked up to Angie. Always admired her strength and resilience, her ability to take shit from no one. Even her own daughter. And Lexi had thrown enough of it at her in her time. But it still hurt to think of the way her own mother had driven her out of a place she loved, a life she could have gotten back on track. At the same time, though, Lexi had always wondered if it had been nothing but a test. A way for Angie to see just how tough her daughter really could be.
‘It took guts, Lexi… Look, honey, nobody’s really gonna stop you from coming back here. Eight years is a long time. Wounds heal.’
‘Kip feel that way, does he?’
‘Kip’s loyalty to Jesse is always gonna mean he’ll be the last to come round. But he will. He’ll come round. Eventually. Just give him some space.’
Lexi let out another of those humourless laughs, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘Yeah. Okay. Whatever it takes, huh?’
‘Have you come back because of Jesse?’
Lexi’s eyes once more met her mother’s. ‘I’ve come back for a number of reasons.’
Angie arched an eyebrow. ‘ Don’t hurt him again, Lexi.’
‘I don’t intend to.’
Angie didn’t say anything for a second or two. ‘Just give your brother some time. He’ll come round, they alway
s do. Come on. Inside. The old clubhouse has changed a bit since you were last here.’
She followed her mum into the clubhouse, taking a look around as she stepped over the threshold. It had changed slightly from how she remembered it. They’d quite obviously had some work done, which was only to be expected. Who wanted bullet holes and kicked-in walls as decoration? Because that was the state the place had been in when she’d last seen it, the result of a violent encounter with a rival MC. It was still as dark as she remembered it, though, the lighting dim, the décor giving the clubhouse a very masculine feel. But then, this place wasn’t designed to please the women in these men’s lives. It was their domain. Their haven. They didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought. And anyway, it wasn’t so different to her dad’s clubhouse back in England. It had the same feel, the same atmosphere.
‘Drink?’ Angie asked, walking behind the bar.
Lexi was still looking around, taking everything in. Letting the memories gather pace as they filled her head. ‘It’s quiet in here,’ she said, finally making her way over to the bar.
‘Tay’s got some of the guys out on a run, him and Coby are in the garage looking over Sheriff Bailey’s bike, and the rest of them are making preparations for Kel’s coming home party. He’s been in Hilton for the past six months. Gets out tomorrow.’
‘Kel’s in prison?’ Kel had always been one of Lexi’s favourites. Around the same age as her dad, he’d been like a second father to her, something Tay had always tried to be, but she’d never allowed him to take that role. Kel, on the other hand, she’d loved like a father. With his mane of greying hair, straggly beard and a booming laugh that was at odds with his soft voice he’d been the one she’d always ran to whenever she’d needed anything, or when she’d just felt the need to talk to someone. Looking back, she wished she’d talked to him more. Maybe then so many things could have been avoided.
Angie nodded, sliding a glass of whisky over to her.
‘Is it not a bit early for this?’ Lexi asked, eyeing the drink somewhat warily.
Angie raised an eyebrow. ‘Your daddy been turning you soft while you were over in England?’
Lexi knocked the drink back in one, slamming the glass down on the counter when she was done.
Angie smiled. ‘That’s my girl.’
‘What’s Kel inside for?’ Lexi asked, watching as her mother poured another shot.
‘Protecting the club.’
Lexi knew better than to push the subject any further. If she wanted to find out more she could get answers. She just wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She never had been sure just how much truth she’d wanted to hear from Jesse about what really went on within this club. As long as he’d stayed safe, and alive, that was all that had mattered. But that was also what had caused most of the problems.
‘I’m going out back,’ Lexi said, picking up her replenished glass of whisky. ‘I trust it’s in the same place it always was?’
Angie nodded, watching as her daughter headed off along the corridor that led to the small apartment within the clubhouse.
As she walked, Lexi turned around on her heels, taking in the pictures of club members past and present that graced the walls; the images of bikes and leathers and partially-clad women who had no qualms about stepping inside this place and letting these men take whatever they wanted from them. It was what they did, the men that lived within these boundaries. It was the life they led. And she was a part of that life, whether she liked it or not. It was in her blood, a piece of her. Cutting loose just wasn’t an option. But she continued to fight it. To question it. Because she had more reason than ever to do that. Now.
Pushing open the door to the apartment – which was really just a large bedroom and bathroom at the back of the clubhouse, used by members when they needed somewhere to crash, or a little privacy, for whatever reason – she was pleased to see it was clean and tidy. It was obvious none of the guys had slept in there recently. Throwing her bag down on to the floor she walked across the room to the small bathroom, nudging the door open, smiling at the sight of a brand new shower. She’d make use of that in a little while. She couldn’t be bothered to go home just yet. Now she was here she might as well stick around for a little while longer, but it wouldn’t hurt to freshen up. Later. But, for now, it was the bed she was after. A place to rest her head and think about what had gone on, what she’d left behind; what was happening here, and what was yet to happen. And whether it was really, truly what she wanted. Only time would tell…
Five
‘I don’t fucking believe you!’ Deena screamed, picking up the nearest object on the kitchen counter and hurling it at Jesse. He ducked, narrowly missing the cookie jar as it flew past his head, hitting the wall behind him, showering Oreos all over the floor. ‘What the hell was I? Huh? Something to play with until she walked back into town?’
‘I had no idea she was coming back, Deena, believe me. I had no idea. I didn’t know if she’d ever be back…’
‘So, what? You thought you’d hedge your bets and get a temporary replacement until you knew for sure, is that it?’
‘Jesus, no, it wasn’t like that…’
‘What was it like, Jesse? Exactly what the hell was it like?’
He moved closer to his beautiful girlfriend. The glamour model. The porn star who’d finally got her man, made that transition from biker mama to old lady – or so she’d thought. ‘I never meant for you to get hurt, Deena. That really wasn’t my intention.’
He reached out to touch her arm but she pulled it away before he had the chance. ‘You know, I always had a feeling you were holding back. I mean, you never wanted to talk about the future, did you?’
Jesse sighed, leaning back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. ‘You want marriage, babies, all that shit… you’re with the wrong man.’
Deena stared at him, her eyes cold and distant. ‘Yeah. It certainly looks that way.’
‘Deena!’
‘Forget it, Jesse. I’ll be packed and out of here by tonight.’
‘Deena… Jesus! Look, I don’t even know what’s happening with Lexi and me, I have no fucking idea why she’s back in Paradise…’
‘Tell me the truth, Jesse. Give me that much, at least, okay? If she wants you back, would you go running?’
Jesse looked at her, leaving just a couple of beats before he gave a small nod.
‘Jesus Christ!’ Deena sighed, throwing her head back.
‘But I don’t know if that’s gonna happen, baby.’
She couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping. ‘Are you fucking kidding me? So you, what? Expect me to stay here and wait it out? You want me to hang around and see whether she’s willing to give you guys another shot, and if that’s the case then I’m gone, is that it?’
‘Deena…’
‘Is that it, Jesse?’
‘I’m not throwing you out.’
She stared at him again, slowly shaking her head. ‘No. I know you aren’t. I’m leaving. There’s a difference.’
He threw himself back against the wall, closing his eyes as he heard her run upstairs, slamming doors as she went. He wasn’t even sure how he’d drifted into this relationship with Deena. There’d been a party at the clubhouse, he remembered that much. Blake had brought one of his girlfriends with him, and she’d brought along a gang of fellow glamour models and porn stars she worked with, which had resulted in one hell of a night, and by morning he and Deena had been an item. He’d just let it happen, because even at that point, three years after Lexi had left, he’d still been unable to forget her. He’d hoped Deena would have helped on that score, and whilst she had, to some extent, it was quite obvious now that she was never going to be enough. But that wasn’t because Lexi was back in his life. It was because she’d never left it.
***
‘She okay?’ Tay asked, leaning across the bar as Angie restocked the fridge with beer.
‘She’s fine. She’s always been fine.’ Angie stood
up, wiping her hands on a towel. ‘She’s my daughter. She’s Charlie’s daughter. And you know what a combination that is.’
Tay chuckled quietly, ripping the cap off a bottle of beer with his teeth and spitting it out on to the counter. ‘Yeah. I do. Where is she now?’
‘In the apartment. I’m guessing she’ll be there until Jesse gets here.’
‘You think it’s all on again between those two?’
Angie lifted another crate of beer up on to the bar, taking the bottles out three at a time. ‘It’s been eight years, Tay, so, I don’t know. And I don’t think she does, either.’
Tay took a swig of beer. ‘I didn’t think she’d last that long.’
Angie looked at him. ‘She wasn’t supposed to.’
Tay put his beer down, his eyes locking with Angie’s. ‘Maybe we pushed too hard.’
‘It needed to be done. What she did to Jesse…’
Tay watched her as she trailed off, her eyes moving away from his, concentrating on a fresh crate of beer. ‘Like mother like daughter, huh?’
‘She needed to be taught the same lesson, Tay.’
‘You never went back, baby. Remember?’
She looked at him again. ‘Because nobody wanted me back. And I was in love with you. Lexi was never in love with Shane. She just needed to be shown what was right, what was expected of her as an old lady. She needed to respect this club and what it had given her. And it was my fault she didn’t get taught properly. I set a bad example.’
‘You can’t keep blaming yourself.’
‘Oh, I can, Tay. I can. But eight years… I lost my daughter. Christ knows what Charlie was filling her head with while she was in England.’
‘She’s too much like you, baby. She has her own mind. And she won’t let anyone change that.’
‘Maybe. But all of this, it’s damaged her relationship with her brother. And who knows whether she and Jesse will ever get back what they used to have. We should have brought her home sooner.’
‘You only had to say the word, Angie.’
Revolution (The Lone Riders MC Series Book #1) Page 4
