The Thief of Dunmire and the Tear of Astra (The League of Sinister Means Book 1)

by H. K. MacTavish

  Bah! A good man would follow the law. Kincaid thinks he is the law, or above it. I owe it to villains everywhere to knock him down a peg or two if I get the chance.

  “Well, I feel safer with a man like him here guarding us,” I say.

  There are the stairs leading down to the kitchen right in front us, at last. I can feel the heat already from the ovens. Some servants are trying to make their way with bottles of wine and plates of cheese and fruit up to the various heroes and nobles living above us. I almost pick something from a plate as it passes me by but I know better. Mary the servant girl shouldn’t have quick fingers.

  A few other servants are down here in the kitchen picking out a little bit to eat here and there. People are yelling orders to one another further on but someone had the wherewithal to set aside some cheese and meats and fruits on a plate in a little closet away from everyone else.

  There is a young woman there with a couple other servants. They are talking loudly amongst themselves but with the racket around them I can’t make out anything that they are saying.

  “Ah! Cheese!” Jennifer says, pushing one of the other servants gently away.

  “Not so loud!” one of the servants says. He thinks we’re not allowed to eat here. No one would have set this aside if we weren’t!

  I snake my way in and grab something to eat. None of us eat this well on our own and this is just table scraps really. Some little snack for the heroes but a feast for us.

  “There are so many heroes upstairs,” a servant says.

  “I know,” another says in reply. “I wonder how many more are coming here.”

  “All to see Princess Melinda get the Tear of Astra,” I say.

  “I want a prince to give me a jewel like that,” a servant girl says.

  “Um,” Jennifer says, before she’s had a chance to swallow. “Isn’t it romantic?”

  “Oh my, yes,” a servant girl says.

  “You girls really like that kind of thing?” A servant boy asks.

  “Oh, yes,” Jennifer says.

  “I wish we could see it,” I say.

  “I heard it’s being watched by Blaise himself,” the young woman says. “And only Blaise knows where it is.”

  “Oh, mysterious,” Jennifer says.

  “I would have thought it was in the locked room with the crown jewels,” I say.

  “Locked room? Crown jewels?” Jennifer asks.

  “Two kings arriving, and the Tear of Astra is already here? The keep has to have a vault,” I say. I’ve been thinking of how to phrase my knowledge of jewels and vaults for a while now. Jennifer seems pleased with my answer.

  “I saw the room,” the young woman says.

  “Really?” Jennifer asks.

  “I was getting orders from the nobles about what they wanted to eat, up on the fourth floor,” the young woman says.

  “So you met Prince Blaise?” Jennifer asks.

  “I did,” the young woman says.

  “And?” Jennifer asks.

  Oh my god! Just be a human for once!

  “He was…handsome.”

  All the heart and soul of parliamentary bill. Well done.

  “Just, handsome?” Jennifer asks.

  See? See what you’ve done?

  “Well, I didn’t want to be so forward…but…you know,” she says.

  “Someone is shy around cute guys,” I tease. The young woman just scowls at me while I smile back. I peer over at Jennifer and she smiles at my reasoning. I can’t really explain that this poor young woman was born without a heart or soul, apparently.

  “My sister is shy like you,” Jennifer says to the young woman.

  “So,” I say, turning to the young woman. Who can stop scowling at me now! “What else did you see?”

  “The room has a new door on it and it’s guarded by four men.”

  “I bet the door is metal, isn’t it?” I ask.

  “Yes. And I bet it has one of those thief proof locks,” the young woman says.

  “What makes you say that?” Jennifer asks. She is asking a lot of questions.

  “Well, why put in a new door to hold the crown jewels and the Tear of Astra and install some ordinary lock. The heroes here would have to be stupid to do that,” I say.

  “You are perceptive,” Jennifer says grabbing me by the arm with a smile. “I should have thought of that.”

  “It’s a fortress. Even the windows are barred,” the young woman says.

  “But it doesn’t matter if the Tear of Astra isn’t there,” Jennifer asks.

  “But the crown jewels will be there,” I say.

  “Eventually,” Jennifer says with a smile.

  “Why Jennifer! You’re not thinking of peeking into that room? Are you?” I ask.

  “Heavens no,” Jennifer says. “But, who cares about the crown jewels. Prince Blaise is giving Princess Melinda the Tear of Astra!”

  Jennifer is practically squealing as if she’s the one getting the Tear of Astra. Well, I would be too if I wasn’t trying to pay attention to my surroundings better.

  “I wish some prince would give me the Tear of Astra,” another girl says.

  “I can give you something you’ll remember,” the serving boy says.

  How crude!

  “Stop it!” she criticizes him, slapping him on the arm.

  That’s right. Don’t put up with that shit!

  He just smiles and looks across the room to an empty hall and, no doubt, empty rooms. She follows his gaze and…smiles? That shit works? Bullshit! You tell him no! Tell him…

  “Come on!” she says, taking him by the arm.

  What? Get back here whatever your name is! You’re better than that!

  I see the door open and they slip inside. Apparently she isn’t better than that. Well, I hope she enjoys the ride.

  The others aren’t giving their departure for a romp a second thought.

  “Won’t you get in trouble if you’re down here for too long?” the young woman asks.

  “She’s right,” Jennifer says, taking me by the arm. I grab a piece of cheese as I follow after her.

  So, the Tear of Astra is under the watchful gaze of Prince Blaise. I have made preparations to get past the windows but some assembly is required which means some alone time is needed.

  There’s Lady Winters, talking to some lord as if they were equals. He doesn’t see you as an equal, you’re just some lesser noble. Ah, what do I care?

  Jennifer and I head upstairs to the second floor. She is looking around. For Lady Winters I bet.

  “Don’t worry. Lady Winters is downstairs,” I say.

  “Oh, good,” Jennifer says.

  We walk down the hall looking in on the rooms. She’s looking to see if they have been properly prepared. I’m looking to see where the windows are and how big the rooms are. Most are small; they fit a double bed, a dresser with a mirror so that the nobles can gaze upon their own glory, a chest, and a small closet. Not a lot of hiding or moving about. Some of the rooms have really small beds out of the way for servants or children. Which…come to think of it…where are the children? Maybe heroes don’t have sex. Or they left them at home. Probably the latter but it’s more fun to pretend it’s the former.

  So far the nobles are all downstairs but some of the rooms have servants preparing the rooms for their masters.

  I wonder where Princess Bridget is? I need to, acquaint, myself with her at some point.

  “It looks like this work is done,” Jennifer says.

  “What will come next?” I ask.

  “Tending to the needs of the nobility once they make themselves at home,” Jennifer says.

  “And us?”

  “We’ll sleep in the basement.”

  “Bah, where those two…”

  “Yes,” Jennifer says.

  “We should have stopped them,” I say.

  “Why? Let them have their fun. You know what fun is, right?”

  Fun is humiliating the heroes of the realm.<
br />
  “It’s been a while since I’ve had fun,” I confess.

  “Well, you should find someone,” Jennifer says. “That’s how I met my husband.”

  “Here in the keep?”

  “Not this keep. We moved to be closer to his mother after his father died. But…in a similar manner to those two downstairs. We had some fun, I got pregnant, he married me, and we’ve been together ever since.”

  The gleam in her eye…this is a romantic story for her.

  “I’m so happy for you,” I say.

  “I love my family.”

  “I love mine too,” I say. We’ve made our way to the storage room.

  “I didn’t know you were married,” Jennifer says.

  “I’m not. I mean my mom and my sister and brothers.”

  “Do they live in Hammerheim?”

  “No. They live off in Riverdale,” I say.

  “You must miss them,” Jennifer says.

  “I do,” I say.

  “Will you return to them after the ceremony?”

  “That is my plan, if not before. Unless other work presents itself.”

  “Well, you never know,” Jennifer says as she wanders into the storage room.

  “Won’t we get in trouble…”

  “Don’t worry so much Mary,” Jennifer says.

  “I just need this job,” I say.

  “So do I. Lady Winters is like a lot of other castle matrons. She yells no matter what you do but it’s a lot more work to kick you out than it is to bring in someone else. All she’ll do is yell at us and we bow our heads, say a mournful yes my lady, and we do whatever she wants.”

  I am impressed. Jennifer knows exactly the way this world runs.

  “Don’t you find it humiliating to always bow?”

  “Why should I? If I were born noble, perhaps I would. But I am a commoner. My back was born to be bent, as was my knee. It is the way things are. Besides, what would become of my son and my husband with such thoughts?”

  Ah, those binding marital ties. Like steel chains keeping you earthbound.

  “My mind is that of a single woman,” I say. And on a single woman, actually. Where is Bridget I wonder?

  “You should get married soon. Before you get too old,” Jennifer says.

  Before I get too old?!? You mean when I am worn out and old and wrinkled and no man will have me? Of course I don’t want a man in the first place. I can’t say any of this to Jennifer. We need to stay friends. Besides, I have work to do.

  “When do you think Lady Winters will be back?” I ask.

  “Soon. A few minutes maybe,” Jennifer says. Then she heads towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

  Bathroom break I bet. She hustles off down the hall.

  I reach into the secret pockets sewn into the lining of my underclothes and pull out some gears. I snap them into place and take out more metal wheels and spokes and continue assembling while listening for Jennifer to return.

  I pause. Is that someone coming down the hall? I’m almost done! Just a few more…pieces…like the outer casing…snap there…lock there…come on…just…and…there!

  Someone turns around the corner. It’s Lady Winters!

  “You there!” she bellows.

  “Yes my lady,” I say, head bowed low.

  “What are you doing back there?”

  “Nothing. Just…looking out the window my lady.”

  She looks at me. She’s not convinced.

  “I don’t often get a chance to get a view like this,” I say.

  “Well, come out from there. There’s work to do,” Lady Winters says.

  “Yes my lady.”

  I barely had time to put the contraption, as my sister would call it, into the bucket under the rope. I need to make more rope to get to the vault up on the top floor. But I still need to figure out where Blaise has the Tear of Astra. Could he have it on himself? That would be, unfortunate. Not impossible, but difficult.

  I scurry out into the hall and see some guards marching towards me. Who is this?

  “Step aside,” Lady Winters says, pulling me back, almost into the storage room.

  The guards walk right up to me and spin around to face me. What’s going on?

  Behind the guards are some porters.

  Ah, a hero is moving into the room across the way from the storage room. I wonder who it is. And why are there armed guards? One chest goes in. Then another. Then another?

  Again, what’s going on? Who is this and what is all that stuff?

  Lady Veronica Hornsbach walks down the hall; long dark hair, lots of makeup over a beautiful and pale face, and her expensive high heels clacking down the hall. Her ample curves are not lost to me. Too bad she carries herself like an arrogant asshole. It’s really a turn off for me.

  “Be careful with those!” she bellows.

  She’s one of those hero types, though she doesn’t look it. Or sound it. To look at her you’d think she was some evil queen or sorceress, not the woman that paid for a small army to hunt down Rogar’s bandit army in the Southern Plains of Arnet or arranged for survivors from a dragon attack on what was once the village of Hampshire to find new homes in her county of Whitehall. Which, come to think of it, Whitehall is in the country of Caernon. That’s quite a journey. Two weeks at least I’d estimate. She must be really good friends with Blaise or Melinda.

  I already don’t like Veronica. It’s people like her that make my job more difficult.

  Oops! She is looking at me. Time to bow my head in silence. I can hear her expensive heeled shoes clack their way into her room. Soon I’ll have shoes just like that…

  “Come on!” Lady Winters says once Veronica is inside her room. Lady Winters grabs me by the arm and drags me away from Veronica’s room, and the storage room. Time to serve the heroes.

  Carving Out a Niche

  More and more heroes have been arriving throughout the day with a couple of lords and ladies. Word around the kitchen is that the ceremony will take place tomorrow. I had expected it to be later than that on hearing that the king wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow but it sounds like the king doesn’t want to linger. He will arrive before noon and the ceremony will be in the evening. Then the Tear of Astra will be in the hands of Princess Melinda and if she returns home right away…I have a time table to adhere to now.

  Princess Melinda might be an easier mark for the Tear of Astra. All of my plans will go completely into the crapper but it is something I’ll have to consider. She will be arriving tonight, I hear. Being a princess she is coming with her parents, one king and one queen; Helmut and Linda Gerusnacht from the Kingdom of Karnshold. I know nothing about them nor do I care to. But I am sure they will be arriving with a small army to escort them in addition to any troops that Prince Blaise will give to them as an escort. It would look poorly to have your future bride and her parents killed or robbed or mugged.

  After handing out snacks to some of the heroes and nobles I’m put to work at the ovens. Supper will be here soon and now everyone is focused on that. I didn’t think that there could be so many people in one small area. The kitchen was hot before but with what seems like the entire staff crammed in here it is sweltering. I can’t stop sweating. This is real work. I hate doing real work.

  Everything is a blur. Put this in. Take those out. People rush in and out with trays and plates of food, roasts that have been in the oven for hours are now being carried up to the feast hall for the heroes. Yeah, some of us would like to shove some meat into our mouths too! Ah, I shouldn’t be jealous now. I am just a worker. Nothing more.

  Someone taps me on the shoulder. Time to rotate away from the ovens, is it? Good! I step away from the ovens and grab a quick drink. My respite isn’t long before I’m told to grab a plate and get moving. I look around me and on a nearby table I see a large plate filled with different kinds of breads. Time to mingle with the heroes.

  Walking up the stairs with a tray of breads I see the servants walking past me to get mo
re food. Everyone is starting to look tired. I enter the feast hall and…where do I bring this? Do I just choose a table? Wait. Someone is there to guide me and…I’m being pointed to the big table! Well, aren’t I lucky!

  I walk up, plate in hand, and I can hear Kincaid and Blaise talking loudly while off to the side Heinrich and Veronica are whispering to one another. On the other side of Blaise is his sister, Bridget. She seems lost in her thoughts with no one else to talk to.

  “Whap, whap, whap,” Kincaid says loudly. Blaise laughs.

  “That’ll teach her to steal from a poor temple,” Blaise says.

  “She’ll remember to uphold the laws whenever she tries to sit,” Kincaid said with a smile. “If only her father had given her the scolding she deserved I wouldn’t have to do this.”

  Why is he even sitting up at the big table? Well, Veronica and Heinrich are sitting there. I guess close friends of Blaise are the ones at the table. At least I know who he counts on most now.

  “Aw, come on. You enjoy it!” Derrick says. He is sitting opposite of Kincaid. Kincaid just leans back and nods.

  “You gotta love your work. And me? I love putting villains in their place. A whap!” he says, slapping his hand again. Blaise and Derrick both laugh with Kincaid.

  I place my plate down and walk away. You may love putting villains in their place, Kincaid, but I love putting heroes in theirs.

  I try to listen to the other heroes but it’s too loud to make out anything but stray words here and there.

  Ah, the life of heroes. To beat down the villains of the world and then stuff your face with the best life has to offer. It’s up to villains like me to keep their egos in check. Kincaid is right. A spanking is the best way to make sure someone remembers you.

  With the supper winding down desserts are being prepared to follow. I step away from the kitchen and no one notices.

  Time to check the storage room upstairs.

  I don’t even have to creep about dressed as a servant. Even the guards ignore servants so long as you aren’t trying to get into someplace you aren’t supposed to. And now that they have started to recognize some of the servants they’ve stopped asking us where we’re going. No more Hold it’s from their lips.

  The stairs are right in front of me but there are a few servants standing near the door leading into the hall where the evening’s feast is underway. I can hear the voices of the noble heroes rising from the feast hall, echoing throughout the corridors. I hope at least one of them chokes on a bone.