The Thief of Dunmire and the Tear of Astra (The League of Sinister Means Book 1)

by H. K. MacTavish

  “You’ll stay here with me?” she asks.

  “I will,” I say. I look to the dresser and walk over to it. “I brought up some pastries earlier for you.”

  “Oh? Let’s share them,” she says. “We didn’t get a chance to eat dessert.”

  I pull up a footrest to sit on and she sits on the bed. We sit quietly eating and I can tell that she is worried and, well, I don’t like seeing her worried.

  “Your brother is fine, I’m sure,” I say.

  “I know. He can fight well,” she says.

  So can my sister. But we don’t like killing so I can safely say Blaise is alive.

  “I’ve never heard of the Thief of Dunmire killing,” I offer.

  “No. That’s true,” she says. “He seems…honorable. For a thief.”

  “He is,” I say. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe, my lady.”

  She smiles at me and takes another bite of her sweet pastry.

  Cutting to the End

  Come on! Someone check on poor Heinrich! He’s got to be uncomfortable, standing there, stuck in that pose. I’m starting to feel sorry for him. I would go and help him but, you know, I’m dressed as a thief and I enjoy seeing heroes humbled.

  Crack!

  That made my heart race. Come on! Where are you Blaise?

  There! At last! The prince has turned around the corner. I’ll just put my ear up to the window and listen to what he has to say.

  “Heinrich! What happened?” Blaise asks a guard nearby.

  “I don’t know. The trap…it just went off,” a guard says.

  “That’s impossible,” Blaise says walking towards Heinrich.

  “My prince!” the guard says grabbing Blaise by the arm. “You can’t touch him.”

  “Yeah…Thief Tar. I know. Where is Veronica?” Blaise asks.

  “I don’t know where Lady Veronica is,” the guard says. “Heinrich came rushing up here saying that someone was in the vault.”

  “Someone…damn it!” Blaise says taking another step but hesitating. This is working way better than I could have planned it. I thought they would just run around after seeing a treasure room sans treasure but this…this is inspired. I really wish we had planned it out so well to begin with.

  Blaise has to know he can’t get around Heinrich to look in the vault. He’ll have to go and find a lot of water and free Heinrich but first he will want to check on the real Tear of Astra. He’s backing up; his hand is feeling the fake Tear of Astra sitting in his pocket.

  “Wait here. Make sure Heinrich is safe. Heinrich! We’ll get you out of there! Don’t worry!” Blaise yells to Heinrich.

  He mutters something but I can’t hear it.

  Blaise leaves and heads for…his little war room! Of course!

  I scurry along the ledge, careful of my footing. This is it! He’s going to show me the Tear of Astra!

  I peer into the room and see Blaise enter with a guard behind him.

  “My prince?” the guard asks, wondering what Blaise is doing all alone in this room.

  “Go and find Veronica,” Blaise says.

  “Shall I inform the king and queen?”

  “No,” Blaise says, looking around. “I’ll tell my parents what’s happened.”

  “Yes my lord,” the guard says with a bow. He yells to some nearby guards and they rush off to follow him.

  Now Blaise is alone. He closes the door and heads to the desk. He pulls out a drawer, pulls a switch inside and that opens a false compartment along the side of the desk closest to the door. He reaches in and pulls out the Tear of Astra. It’s hard to see for certain from here, but that has to be the real one.

  Blaise puts it back and pauses. He’s thinking about taking it with him.

  He closes up the hatch and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. He’s either just as good at palming items as my sister and I are, or he left the real Tear of Astra in the desk.

  The window is locked but it isn’t anything that I can’t handle, especially in a storm. I just have to be quick like I was with the window in the vault. Flash of lightning and…

  Crack!

  There goes some glass, and I reach in, undo the lock, and push the window open. And like that, I am in the room. Stepping over the glass makes a little noise but I’m alone so it doesn’t matter. Oh, a dagger. I’ve been missing that. I’ll just stick you in my belt. I’m sure the owner won’t miss it or they wouldn’t have left it lying around.

  I pull open the drawer, slowly, and feel inside. Yup, there’s a button. I push it and hear a little click to my right. I’m so excited my whole body is all a quiver! This is it!

  I see the false compartment and pull out the only item inside, the Tear of Astra. I hold it up to a nearby lantern and examine it briefly. Certainly not glass. This…this looks like the real thing! I have it!

  The door opens.

  Shit!

  “Hold it,” Blaise says. He’s alone but armed with a sword.

  “Sorry if I disobey,” I say.

  “You…you’re not a man,” Blaise says. Wow, is he astute.

  “What? I’m sure I have a penis on me somewhere,” I say while pretending to pat down my pockets looking for one before I show him my middle finger.

  “It doesn’t matter. You are under arrest. Put the Tear of Astra down and come with me,” Blaise says.

  “No,” I say as I pull out a vial from a secret pocket in one hand. I’m good at palming things so I know he doesn’t see it.

  “Yes.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, okay then,” I say.

  “Good,” he says, lowering his blade and grabbing some manacles from a nearby shelf. Wow, he was prepared for this. I really should have looked around better.

  “I’m not going to the dungeons,” I say. “I have what I came for, and now I’m leaving.”

  “I tried to give you the easy way,” Blaise says, holding the manacles in his left hand while raising his blade in his right. “You’ve given me no option.”

  “Of course you have an option. Let me go with this pretty blue necklace. I promise I’ll appreciate it more than your girlfriend ever would.”

  “Not going to happen,” Blaise says.

  I throw the Tear of Astra at him and he drops the manacles in order to catch it. He isn’t prepared for my poisoned dagger to go flying at him. Being ambidextrous is great!

  The dagger grazes his shoulder and falls to the floor. He grimaces as he looks at me.

  Is it working? It has to be working. He takes a step towards me and collapses.

  Yup. It worked. I’ll just pick up this dagger and the Tear of Astra up from the floor and the fake Tear of Astra from Prince Blaise’s pocket and…you know…it would be a shame to just leave Blaise sprawled out here, on the floor, defenseless. I mean, wouldn’t it make for a better story if they found him in, I don’t know, some mortifying and precarious position? The answer is yes. When it comes to knocking heroes back down to earth the answer is always yes.

  I only have ten minutes or so before he wakes up. I mentioned that I should look around better. I should do that quickly. Let’s see…nothing on the shelves. Is that a chest? There could be treasure in there. I’ll just have to see. It’s not locked. Probably not treasure then.

  Tools and gear for climbing and questing. Well, it certainly isn’t garbage. Rope and, is that a grappling hook? This might be useful for getting out. Better than my old plan of scurrying along the walls, sneaking in on a lower level, changing clothes, and walking out. Well, I could tie him up. All I have on me are some poison vials and some glue and…oh…oh Corvina that is wicked! Oh, is Blaise going to be pissed. Teach him to throw me in a dungeon and turn Kincaid on me!

  I’ll just get this grappling hook ready first. Come on! Is it loop over now or around…I really need to pay better attention to my sister more. There. Good enough.

  Now for Blaise, who is stretched ou
t on the floor on his belly. I’m sorry about this. No. No I’m not. I reach around under him and start to unbuckle his belt. Next I pull his pants down. Let’s see what buried in those underpants. Wow! I can see why the princess is attached to him.

  Is the door opening! Shit!

  I turn around and see a servant. I’ve seen her before. Oh! It’s that woman that is spying for the heroes that my sister was close to; and the same that I embarrassed earlier. What is her name? Jennifer!

  “What are you doing?” Jennifer asks stepping into the room.

  “He…he asked me to do this to him,” I say. “He’s weird like that.”

  Jennifer steps closer and I step to her right. We circle each other which works in my favor as it allows me to close the door to the room. She’s trapped in here with me.

  “Give yourself up,” she says.

  “I didn’t surrender to him, why would I surrender to you?”

  “Because whatever trick he fell for I won’t,” she says.

  “You don’t know what trick he fell for?” I say. Literally fell for, as it turns out.

  “You poisoned him. Do you have another vial?” Jennifer asks.

  “Yes,” I say, lying. “But I’d rather not use it on you.”

  “You’ve stolen from this keep and assaulted the prince. Things will go better for you if you surrender now,” Jennifer says.

  “I don’t know what they are paying you Jennifer, but it isn’t worth an ass whooping. Let me tie you up and you’ll be no worse for the effort.”

  “My name isn’t Jennifer. It’s Melinda,” she says.

  Melinda? Huh. That’s the same name as the princ….ooohhhhh.

  “Well, will you still let me tie you up?” I ask. “And I mean in a let you sit here and ponder your life as a hero and not in any kinky way.”

  She pulls out a dagger from behind her. Well damn. I guess I’m going to have to actually fight her.

  “Let me tie you up and save yourself from getting painfully beaten, thief.”

  “Yeah, not going to happen,” I say. She lowers herself into a fighting stance and I do the same.

  We circle each other for a minute. A precious minute. I don’t have a lot of minutes left to me before Blaise wakes up and then I’m facing two heroes at once. Not ideal.

  She lunges at me and I at her. She responds quicker than I thought, knocking my dagger from my hand with a kick. She looks proud of herself for a moment before I kick her in the gut. She flies into the wall with a thud. Before she has a chance to recover I kick her dagger from her hand.

  “Ha! Not so…”

  Ohmph!

  My face! She hit me in the face! Hard! The little bitch!

  “Get up. You want a fight!”

  Wow, am I on the ground? She knocked me right to the ground and I didn’t notice it. And no, I don’t want to fight. I want to leave with your treasure. I have to fight.

  I get up, pissed, more at myself than at her for allowing my defenses to get down. She punches at me again but I block it. Again and again. I punch and kick at her but she dances back away from me. I lunge back from her attacks so I don’t get hit again. That really hurt!

  Wait. We…we’re using the same fighting style?

  She’s looking at me. She’s realized it too.

  “You won’t get away with this,” she says.

  “Isn’t that something the villain is supposed to say?” I ask.

  “You’ll be screaming it from the dungeons!” she says.

  There is a moan coming from my left. Damn it! Blaise is started to come to.

  She lunges at me and tries to grapple. I grab her around the waist and we tumble into a table. I try to knee her but it is no good, I don’t have enough space to land a good blow. She tries to grab the cloth over my head and face but I twist her wrist around and keep my face hidden.

  So, important fighting tip: If you have long hair, as many women do, you will have it used against you in a fight. I keep mine out of the way so it won’t get tangled up or stuck or grabbed and pulled.

  Observe the liabilities of long hair in a fight! I lunge for a dagger on the floor. Not sure if it is mine or hers. Doesn’t matter. She tackles me. She thinks I’m going to try and stab her. No. I want her close for this. I grab her hair, pull it, wrap it many, many times around the dagger while she turns from struggling with me and reacts to what I’m doing instead. Her hands reach up, trying to grab the dagger from my hands. I’m on my knees by now. Before she decides to punch me I leap away from her while holding onto the dagger. She cries out as her hair is pulled along with her head as I slam the dagger into the floor along with her head.

  Thud!

  She stops moving.

  Long hair is bad in fights. Ah, the perils of beauty.

  More moaning from Blaise. Well shit. Okay, time to make this quick. I’ll just finish pulling Blaise’s pants down to his knees, coat the floor with some of this glue, and plant his jewels firmly in the pool of glue. The free grope I get is just payment for services rendered.

  And for Melinda…well, that dagger is stuck into the floor pretty solidly. There is an easy solution to her getting back up quickly. I’ll just pour the glue over her hair that is stuck to the dagger. I watch as it pools a bit on the floor.

  There. Now, to make my escape. I race to the chest with all the gear in it. I take the rope and the grappling hook and I run over to the window. I then secure the grappling hook to the leg of the table and toss the rope out the window. Now…more moaning from Blaise? Shit. He’s starting to wake up.

  I hope they see the rope out the window and think I’ve gone. I run over to the chest before anyone wakes up. Stepping in I clear some room and ease myself in.

  I close the lid and lie there over the tools and gear remaining in the chest. And now I wait. It helps to be flexible as a thief sometimes. You never know where you’re going to have to wait or what you’re going to have to crawl into.

  More moaning from Blaise. He’s coming too at last. There is a long silence that is broken by a muffled gasp shortly followed by his screams.

  He tried to get up! I stifle a laugh!

  “What? No!” Blaise says quite loudly. “I can’t get up. Ah!” he screams again. Yup, didn’t work the first time, why not try doing it a second time.

  There is a knock on the door.

  “Highness?” a voice calls from outside. There is a pause as Blaise is contemplating trying to free himself or consigning to the fact that he needs help.

  “Help! I’m stuck!” Blaise says.

  Decision made. The only real decision really.

  The door opens and I hear heavy footsteps.

  “Prince!” the guards say. “What happened?”

  “No! Stop!” Blaise cries. Clearly one of the guards tried to help him up. “I’m…stuck to the floor. I need something that will get rid of the glue.”

  “Glue?” the guard says.

  “Yes, glue!” Blaise snaps. Well, I’d be bitchy too if my unmentionables were glued to the floor.

  More moaning. This time from Melinda.

  “Melinda? Is that you?” Blaise asks.

  “Princess! Is that you? Why are you dressed as a servant?” a guard asks.

  “Oww!” she screams.

  “What’s wrong?” Blaise asks.

  “She’s glued as well,” the guard says.

  “I’m stuck to this dagger!” she yells. “Pull it out!”

  “But, Highness…”

  “Pull it out of the floor,” she orders. I can hear the scrapes as her feet struggle against the floor as she vainly tries to get up. But her head is stuck to the ground.

  “Okay. Are you ready?” the guard asks.

  “Yes,” Melinda says.

  “On three. One. Two. Three.”

  Melinda screams but it sounds like she is free.

  “Are you all right?” Blaise asks.

  “I’m fine,” Melinda says. She doesn’t sound it. She sounds pissed. How much hair is still on the f
loor I wonder?

  “Highness, the dagger…” a guard says.

  “I’ll get it out later! Blaise! What did she do to you?” she asks. I can just picture her kneeling at his side, the little blade dangling by her face.

  “She…glued me.”

  “You can’t get up?” Melinda asks.

  Not if you want to have children he can’t.

  “No. Go after her! I’m fine!” Blaise says.

  Your balls are glued to the floor. You are not fine Blaise. Heroes have the weirdest definition of fine.

  “Highness! The window!” the guard says. It’s about time someone saw that.

  Some hurried footsteps and I know that the guards and the princess are at the window.

  “I can’t see her!” Melinda yells.

  “Go after her!” Blaise says.

  “But…”

  “Don’t let her get away. Just…go! Capture her!”

  “Come on!” Melinda says.

  “But the prince…” a guard protests.

  “He doesn’t need an audience. Come on. You. Go and find Lady Winters or Veronica. Tell them that Prince Blaise needs something to get rid of the adhesive.”

  “Yes highness,” a guard replies.

  “And close that door!” Melinda yells from the hall.

  The door closes.

  I crack the lid of the chest a bit and peer into the room. It’s dark, but I can still see well enough to see that the room is empty. Except for Blaise. I know he’s there. He’s still swearing under his breath.

  While inside I found more rope and some strips of cloth. I have a plan now for getting out of the keep and into the town.

  I tiptoe around the room, past Blaise and to the door. I listen at the door to make sure no one else is outside the room, waiting for me.

  “Who’s there?” Blaise asks.

  I don’t answer but wait. He looks around in the darkness and I move away from him as he does, staying out of his field of vision. I take out my glue and creep up beside him. I pour the glue over his glorious cheeks. My, how they glisten.

  And now, nature takes its course for the first hand.

  “What? What’s that?” Blaise asks as he reaches back and grabs his ass. I take his wrist and force his hand firmly onto his fine, fine posterior.