by Allie Hayden
As the first movie began to play, my phone buzzed. I thought it was Sebastian, so I ignored it, setting it aside.
My phone buzzed again, and this time I wanted to turn it around to turn it off. But instead of seeing Sebastian’s name…
It was Ash.
Hey, what’s up?
16. (Lillian)
I didn’t feel like answering after everything that I was going through. But I reminded myself that Ash had nothing to do with whatever I was feeling at the moment. And he might be able to make me feel better, if only just a little.
Nothing much, you? I replied, not ready to be unloading any emotional garbage on him just yet.
Not much at all. You okay if I call you?
My heart was racing.
There was no way I was going to be able to conceal my emotionality over the phone, but maybe this was just what I needed.
Yeah, sure.
It took a total of five seconds for my phone to start ringing, and I picked it up with shaking hands.
“Ash?” I said, feeling my voice tremble like tears were going to overflood out of me.
“Lillian? What’s wrong?” he asked, almost frantic, immediately picking up on the emotion in my voice.
“I—” I couldn’t hold it in any longer; I just started crying and thinking of everything I messed up.
The rush of the built-up sadness engulfed my mind. What I might’ve been missing out on, how I wanted things to end differently with Sebastian, what he had done and how it made me feel like he couldn’t understand me. He didn’t even come after me; he just sent texts telling me he hoped I got home safely. And here Ash was, concerned at the first hint that something was wrong.
“Lillian, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s going on right now but know that I’m so sorry.”
This made me break out into a harder cry, the thought that he cared. It had nothing to do with him. He was supposed to be the bad boy: uncaring, cool, aloof.
“Lillian, princess, listen to me; can you calm down enough to text me your address? I’ll be over as soon as I can with ice cream, some old movies, and a big blanket if that’s what you want.”
I nodded then, realized he couldn’t see me, and added, “Yeah, that sounds great.”
“Okay, I’m going to hang up now. I’ll be over as soon as I can, okay?”
“Okay.”
The other end of the line went silent as Ash hung up, and I took a deep breath before texting him the address.
There was an immediate reply.
Be there in fifteen.
True to his word, Ash arrived with an armful of old sci-fi movies, a big blanket, and a couple of tubs of ice cream.
“I didn’t know what your favorite flavor was,” he said as I opened the door, “so I got a few. Hope you like dark chocolate and…” he consulted his stash, “brownie batter. I don’t know; they sounded pretty good to me.”
“Sounds delicious.”
“Good, because we’re not moving until we get through at least a good chunk of these.”
He strode past me and set down his pile of movies on the table next to the couch. 13 going on 30 was paused on the screen above us.
“Ahh, I see what the problem is.” He ejected the disk, inserting one of his own, some old alien movie from the eighties with a terribly designed cover. “Now, I don’t want to assume what you’re going through, but I find the best way to deal with my problems is by consuming media that is as far from it as possible. Hence, terrible sci-fi films. Because there’s no possible way your problem is related to alien invasions or bad special effects.”
I laughed, nodding in appreciation. “You know, you might be right.”
“Of course, I’m always right.”
Ash set about making a nest on the couch and grabbing another spoon from the kitchen for himself.
Then he turned back to me when he was satisfied with his set-up. “Hey, you okay? I mean, I know you’re not, but like, in comparison?”
I realized I was standing awkwardly off to the side while he was setting everything up. My eyes were still red from the crying, and my face was probably a bit puffy and swollen. I stifled another wave of sobs and shook my head.
“It makes me embarrassed…that you’re seeing me like this.”
Ash threw his head back and laughed, then caught himself. “Baby doll, if you think I care that you’re in sweats, or that you’ve just been crying, you’re mistaken. You’re human, and I know that. If anything, I feel honored that you would trust me when you’re in a vulnerable state, nothing less.”
I felt a bit better. So I sat down next to Ash, and he helped wrap me up in blankets. He pulled me closer to him with an arm around my shoulder. He felt so warm, so secure and safe.
“Now, you don’t have to, but do you want to tell me what’s going on? It might help me know how to help you.”
Though the thought of it all made me want to start crying again and disappear under the pile of blankets and never come out…I knew I had to tell someone eventually. If only to get it all out. I took a deep breath and then launched into the story. Ash rubbed my back in slow circles the entire way. I got caught up in certain parts, when I was giving him basic background and then explaining the events of the last couple of weeks.
Ash was a good listener. He didn’t pressure me, and he didn’t interject. He nodded to let me know that he was listening and didn’t rush parts of the story he could see I was struggling on. He made me feel safe, like I could tell him anything without any worries. When finished my story, he was silent for a few moments, contemplating everything I just said.
“I think what you’re feeling is valid,” he said. “The way that your brain works makes you feel uneasy in that relationship, which is understandable. I don’t think you have anything to be sorry for. If you were feeling strange, then the relationship wouldn’t have lasted much longer anyway. And if that is how he responds when you’re having a difficult time, you deserve someone better.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You said your roommate was his sister, right?”
“Step-sister.”
“Right. Are you okay to stay here for the night?”
“What do you mean?”
“I think you need some time away from this whole situation and living with Sebastian’s step-sister may be a little bit difficult at the moment. I don’t want you to feel like you have to explain everything again to her.”
“What are you suggesting?” I asked.
“I have plenty of room in my apartment—no pressure, of course. I’m attracted to you, but I wouldn’t take advantage of you, especially not in this situation. It would just be movies and sleep. I promise.”
I knew Ash was right. Last night had been hard enough with Rebecca, wondering if she was going to ask for an explanation or act as a messenger on Sebastian’s behalf. And his offer was very tempting.
“I think that’s a good plan,” I said after some lamenting.
“Perfect. Pack your things up then,” he said, grabbing what he had brought.
I said goodbye to Coby, scratching him gently between the ears, and gathered up another couple of blankets and slipped on some shoes. I followed Ash outside and was honestly surprised when he pulled out some keys from his pocket and clicked a button, making a car nearby beep and light up.
Ash laughed after noticing my expression. “What, you seriously thought I came to your house on a motorcycle with blankets and ice cream?”
“I don’t know; it wouldn’t be out of character.”
“Riding a motorcycle with a large blanket is definitely inadvisable.” Ash hefted up the blanket. “A car comes in handy for times like these, and when I need to transport other things, like instruments.”
“Not when you’re transporting a photographer.”
“Aww…come on, princess. You know you enjoyed that.”
“But my camera.”
“Was fine. I didn’t crash, did I?”
“No.”
>
“Exactly. A guitar can’t hold on to my waist, but a photographer definitely can.” He said this with a wink, opening the door to his car and tossing his armful of items in. “You can put those in the back, then come sit up front with me.”
I put all but one blanket in the back, then wrapped the remaining one around myself and got into the passenger seat of the car. He laughed and patted me on the head, reaching across to strap my seatbelt in for me.
“My little cozy gremlin.”
“I hope that’s not your new nickname for me.”
“What, you prefer cabbage?”
“Cozy gremlin please, carrot stick.”
“You’re going to have to seriously come up with something better than that. Didn’t you have one before?”
“Yeah, but if you’re calling me a gremlin, then you don’t deserve to be called rockstar.”
“What?” He started up the car, and it hummed low. “I thought it was cute, all things considered: you wrapped up in a blanket in the passenger seat of my car just past noon.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, content with childish pettiness. We settled into a comfortable silence. Ash didn’t play any music on the drive over either. I think he understood that I needed some quiet after everything that was running through my mind. He didn’t try to push any conversation either, which made me feel grateful.
He didn’t live too far away from my place. It was a large apartment complex with underground parking. He parked his car next to his motorcycle, and I noted the average size parking spot he had. When we both got out, I helped him gather up the items from the back seat. I kept the one blanket wrapped around me like a protective casing, which made it hard for me to help him with more than just what one arm could carry.
“Now, my apartment isn’t too big, or posh,” Ash said as we entered the elevator and he swiped his key for his floor. “But it’s homey, and I think that’s the most that anyone could ask for.”
“I like that better, actually,” I said. “Big can be too much. Posh can feel like you can’t live in it properly.”
“You got that right. That’s why if my band ever makes it super big, I’m keeping a smaller place, thank you very much. As long as it’s just me in the apartment, I don’t need much space.”
The elevator stopped on the ninth floor, and the two of us exited. I was thankful that the hour of the day was just odd enough that no one was around to see us together, because although I didn’t mind being seen with Ash Bennet, I was currently a huge mess, no matter what anybody said.
“Welcome to my apartment,” he said, opening his door to reveal a room filled with warmth and evident care.
It was the kind of place I imagined when I thought about the apartment of an artist. It was eclectic but still clean. There were candles everywhere, and little trinkets were proudly displayed. The couch was covered in a couple of brightly-patterned quilts, and there was a handwoven rug on the floor that looked to be from the middle east.
Ash set down the DVDs and ice cream on the coffee table in front of the couch, then popped the disc of the first of the pile into his tv.
“Make yourself at home,” he said, turning back to me.
I was still standing outside, like an animal waiting to be invited in. I took the first step over his threshold, feeling almost as if I were entering into another world, one that was safe and warm and where my problems didn’t exist.
“Thank you,” I said, closing the door behind me.
“It’s nothing, really,” he replied, already setting up another nest on the couch. “I wasn’t doing anything today, and I’m always more than happy to spend time with you.”
“I mean, for inviting me into your house.”
“What are you, a vampire?” Ash laughed at his joke, then stopped, noting how serious I seemed. “Don’t tell me you’re a vampire. If it’s going to be one of us, it should be me.”
“No. It’s just, this space feels sacred. I feel like I’ve been let in on a secret. Like we’re kids and you have a hideaway that you’ve invited me to.”
“Ah, yeah, I get that.” Ash smiled. “It really is quite a place, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“Come on then, sit with me,” he said, patting the space next to him on the sofa.
I did, sighing as he pulled me in close. He tucked me into his side with a gentle embrace, and I could hear his heartbeat through his chest, feel the rhythm of his breathing. It was calming, to be this close to him, to understand that everything was safe with him and that he wasn’t going to let anything happen to me.
True to his word, Ash didn’t try anything that night. Instead, he held me close, only leaving my side to get us some dinner, and after we were done eating, he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. We fell asleep like that, with the tv still playing another old sci-fi movie, content in each other’s company, comforting each other with one another’s presence.
In Ash’s apartment, with him breathing steadily next to me, I think I had one of the best sleeps I’d had in a very long time.
17. (Lillian)
When I woke up on the couch the next day and Ash wasn’t there, my first instinct was panic. In my half-conscious state of mind, I thought maybe Ash had left without a word. What if I was alone in a strange place, in unfamiliar territory. But as my senses started coming back to me, I smelt the scent of pancakes cooking in the kitchen and heard the soft indie music in the background. It was coming from Ash’s cellphone, which was playing music on the counter.
I’ve been waiting
For a sign
To tell you what the stars
Have been telling me
Ash sang along, his voice still drowsy from the spell of waking, and I could picture him without even getting up—the messy hair falling in his eyes, the red rim around them as he tried to rub away the dreams, an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants hanging just so on his hips. I smiled at the thought, and all my worries seemed to melt away. I stretched, taking a deep breath of the morning air.
“I was wondering when you’d wake up,” Ash called from the kitchen. “I was getting worried that I’d have to encounter morning-Lillian if I wanted to get you to work on time.”
Right. Work. I completely forgot about my responsibilities amidst the daze of waking up. I checked the time on my phone with a sigh of relief, happy to know I still had plenty of time to get up and get ready.
“Oh, come on, I’m not that bad in the morning.”
“If I had woken you up, though?”
“Ehhh, nothing too terrible.”
“I’m quite convinced I would have encountered gremlin-Lillian.”
“I thought you liked gremlin-Lillian.”
“I like cozy-gremlin-Lillian. I don’t know about morning-gremlin-Lillian.”
“Well, you’re bound to encounter her at some point,” I said, wrapping one of the blankets around me again and then waddling over to the kitchen.
I rested my head against Ash’s back as he continued to flip pancakes.
“Does that mean we’ll be continuing this?” he said, waggling his eyebrows.
“Shhh, don’t ruin the moment,” I said from within the blanket.
“Says the cozy gremlin.”
“You love this cozy gremlin.”
“I do, indeed.” Ash turned around, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “In all her forms, though there are some I would wish to avoid if at all possible.”
“Guess I won’t be sleeping over here again then,” I teased.
“Nooooo, I didn’t mean that. Princess, come on,” Ash teased back, pressing kisses to my forehead as I kept giggling. “I’ll brave morning-gremlin-Lillian if it means I get to kiss this cute face and cuddle this incredible woman.” He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him and nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck. “You’re so goddamned perfect, and I bet you don’t even realize it,” he said, his voice muffled.
“Your pancakes are going to burn,”
I said, and Ash reluctantly pulled away from me, returning his attention to his lightly-browned pancakes.
“It’s your fault,” he mumbled. I poked him, laughing.
“What was that? My fault?”
“You’re just too irresistible, princess.”
“Not my fault.” I stuck out my tongue at him, and then shuffled over to the table, seating myself. “I’ll just take my irresistible self over here then.”
“Awwwwww, baby doll, no, come back,” Ash teased, pouring another set of pancake batter circles onto the hot pan. “Do you want to get dressed while I finish up?”
“I didn’t bring any of my clothes.”
“That’s alright; you can borrow any of mine you want. My bedroom in just back there.” He motioned with the spatula to a doorway just off of the living room.
I supposed I should probably get changed at some point, so I got up and shuffled towards Ash’s bedroom, still wrapped in the blanket. When the door was safely closed behind me, I let the blanket fall to the floor like a pool of water and surveyed the space.
It was a little more minimal than his living room, but not by much. There was a large bed that took up most of the room, a couple of bookcases stuffed with well-loved volumes, DVDs, and little trinkets, and a dresser and armoire along the other wall. I sifted through the dresser first, pulling out a soft gray t-shirt that still had a warm scent to it. I found a belt hanging up in the armoire, a pair of mostly-intact black jeans, and a large dark green sweater that was so soft, I wanted to curl up and take a nap on it, right then and there.
After I was happy with my acquisitions, I changed into them, bundling up my clothes within the blanket I brought over so I could take it back to my apartment whenever I ended up getting back there. When I came back out to the living room, Ash was setting the table, pulling a jar of jam and some maple syrup out from the fridge. The pancakes, mostly well made, were already in a pile on a plate in the middle of the table.
