The Fib, The Swap, The Trick and Other Stories

by George Layton

  She waved the report under my nose.

  ‘You’re supposed to be taking your O Levels next year. What do you think is going to happen then?’

  I shrugged my shoulders again, and stared at my gammon and chips.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  She put the report back on the table. I knew I hadn’t done well in my exams because of everything that had happened this term, but I didn’t think for one moment I’d come bottom in nearly everything. Even Norbert Lightowler had done better than me.

  ‘You’ve come bottom in nearly everything. Listen to this.’

  She picked up the report again.

  ‘Maths – “Inattentive and lazy”.’

  I knew what it said.

  ‘I know what it says, Mum.’

  She leaned across the table, and put her face close to mine.

  ‘I know what it says too, and I don’t like it.’

  She didn’t have to keep reading it.

  ‘Well, stop reading it then.’

  My mum just gave me a look.

  ‘English Language – “He is capricious and dilettante.” What does that mean?’

  I turned the pineapple ring over with my fork. Oh heck, was she going to go through every rotten subject?

  ‘Come on – English Language – Mr Melrose says you’re “capricious and dilettante”. What does he mean?’

  ‘I don’t know!’

  I hate Melrose. He’s really sarcastic. He loves making a fool of you in front of other people. Well, he could stick his ‘capricious and dilettante’, and his rotten English Language, and his set books, and his horrible breath that nearly knocks you out when he stands over you.

  ‘I don’t know what he means.’

  ‘Well, you should know. That’s why you study English Language, to understand words like that. It means you mess about, and don’t frame yourself.’

  My mum kept reading every part of the report over and over again. It was all so pointless. It wasn’t as if reading it over and over again was going to change anything. Mind you, I kept my mouth shut. I just sat there staring at my tea. I knew her when she was in this mood.

  ‘What I can’t understand is how come you did so well at Religious Instruction? You got seventy-five per cent.’

  I couldn’t understand that either.

  ‘I like Bible stories, Mum.’ She wasn’t sure if I was cheeking her or not. I wasn’t.

  ‘Bible stories? It’s all I can do to get you to come to St Cuthbert’s one Sunday a month with me and your Auntie Doreen.’

  That was true, but what my mum didn’t know was that the only reason I went was because my Auntie Doreen slips me a few bob!

  ‘And the only reason you go then is because your Auntie Doreen gives you pocket money.’

  ‘Aw, that’s not true, Mum.’

  Blimey! My mum’s got eyes everywhere.

  She put the report back into the envelope. Hurray! The Spanish Inquisition was over. She took it out again. Trust me to speak too soon.

  ‘I mean, you didn’t even do well at sport, did you? Sport – “He is not a natural athlete.” Didn’t you do anything right this term?’

  I couldn’t help smiling to myself. No, I’m not a natural athlete, but I’d done one thing right this term. I’d shown Arthur Boocock that he couldn’t push me around any more. That’s why everything else had gone wrong. That’s why I was ‘lazy and inattentive’ at Maths, and ‘capricious and dilettante’ at English Language. That’s why this last term had been so miserable, because of Arthur blooming Boocock.

  He’d only come into our class this year because he’d been kept down. I didn’t like him. He’s a right bully, but because he’s a bit older and is good at sport and running and things, everybody does what he says.

  That’s how Smokers’ Corner started.

  Arthur used to pinch his dad’s cigarettes and bring them to school, and we’d smoke them at playtime in the shelter under the woodwork classroom. We called it Smokers’ Corner.

  It was daft really. I didn’t even like smoking, it gives me headaches. But I joined in because all the others did. Well, I didn’t want Arthur Boocock picking on me.

  We took it in turns to stand guard. I liked it when it was my turn, it meant I didn’t have to join in the smoking.

  Smokers’ Corner was at the top end of the playground, opposite the girls’ school. That’s how I first saw Janis. It was one playtime. I was on guard, when I saw these three girls staring at me from an upstairs window. They kept laughing and giggling. I didn’t take much notice, which was a good job because I saw Melrose coming across the playground with Mr Rushton, the deputy head. I ran into the shelter and warned the lads.

  ‘Arthur, Tony – Melrose and Rushton are coming!’

  There was no way we could’ve been caught. We knew we could get everything away before Melrose or Rushton or anybody could reach us, even if they ran across the playground as fast as they could. We had a plan you see.

  First, everybody put their cigarettes out, but not on the ground, with your fingers. It didn’t half hurt if you didn’t wet them enough. Then Arthur would open a little iron door that was in the wall next to the boiler house. Norbert had found it ages ago. It must’ve been there for years. Tony reckoned it was some sort of oven. Anyway, we’d empty our pockets and put all the cigarettes inside. All the time we’d be waving our hands about to get rid of the smoke, and Arthur would squirt the fresh-air spray he’d nicked from home. Then we’d shut the iron door and start playing football or tig.

  Melrose never let on why he used to come storming across the playground. He never said anything, but we knew he was trying to catch the Smokers, and he knew we knew. All he’d do was give us all a look in turn, and march off. But on that day, the day those girls had been staring and giggling at me, he did say something.

  ‘Watch it! All of you. I know what you’re up to. Just watch it. Specially you, Boocock.’

  We knew why Melrose picked on Arthur Boocock.

  ‘You’re running for the school on Saturday, Boocock. You’d better win or I’ll want to know the reason why.’

  Mr Melrose is in charge of athletics, and Arthur holds the school record for the mile. Melrose reckons he could run for Yorkshire one day if he trains hard enough.

  I didn’t like this smoking lark, it made me cough, gave me a headache, and I was sure we’d get caught one day.

  ‘Hey, Arthur, we’d better pack it in. Melrose is going to catch us one of these days.’

  Arthur wasn’t bothered.

  ‘Ah you! You’re just scared, you’re yeller!’

  Yeah, I was blooming scared.

  ‘I’m not. I just think he’s going to catch us.’

  Then Arthur did something that really shook me. He took his right hand out of his blazer pocket. For a minute I thought he was going to hit me, but he didn’t. He put it to his mouth instead, and blew out some smoke. He’s mad. He’d kept his cigarette in his hand in his pocket all the time. He’s mad. I didn’t say anything though. I was scared he’d thump me.

  On my way home after school that day, I saw those girls. They were standing outside Wilkinson’s sweetshop, and when they saw me they started giggling again. They’re daft, girls. They’re always giggling. One of them, the tallest, was ever so pretty though. The other two were all right, but not as pretty as the tall girl. It was the other two that were doing most of the giggling.

  ‘Go on, Glenda, ask him.’

  ‘No, you ask him.’

  ‘No, you’re the one who wants to know. You ask him.’

  ‘Shurrup!’

  The tall one looked as embarrassed as I felt. I could see her name written on her schoolbag: Janis Webster.

  The other two were still laughing, and telling each other to ask me something. I could feel myself going red. I didn’t like being stared at.

  ‘Do you two want a photograph or summat?’

  They giggled even more.

  ‘No, thank you, we don’t collect photos
of monkeys, do we, Glenda?’

  The one called Glenda stopped laughing and gave the other one a real dirty look.

  ‘Don’t be so rude, Christine.’

  Then this Christine started teasing her friend Glenda.

  ‘Ooh, just because you like him, Glenda Bradshaw, just because you fancy him.’

  I started walking away. Blimey! If any of the lads came by and heard this going on, I’d never hear the end of it. The one called Christine started shouting after me.

  ‘Hey, my friend Glenda thinks you’re ever so nice. She wants to know if you want to go out with her.’

  Blimey! Why did she have to shout so the whole street could hear? I looked round to make sure nobody like Arthur Boocock or Norbert or Tony were about. I didn’t want them to hear these stupid lasses saying things like that. I mean, we didn’t go out with girls, because . . . well . . . we just didn’t.

  I saw the pretty one, Janis, pulling Christine’s arm. She was telling her to stop embarrassing me. She was nice, that Janis, much nicer than the other two. I mean, if I was forced to go out with a girl, you know if somebody said, ‘You will die tomorrow if you don’t go out with a girl’, then I wouldn’t have minded going out with Janis Webster.

  She was really nice.

  I often looked out for her after that, but when I saw her, she was always with the other two. The one time I did see her on her own, I was walking home with Tony and Norbert and I pretended I didn’t know her, even though she smiled and said hello. Of course, I sometimes used to see her at playtime, when it was my turn to stand guard at Smokers’ Corner. I liked being on guard twice as much now. As well as not having to smoke, it gave me a chance to see Janis. She was smashing. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I was always thinking about her, you know, having daydreams. I was forever ‘rescuing’ her.

  One of my favourite rescues was where she was being bullied by about half a dozen lads, not hitting her or anything, just mucking about. And one of them was always Arthur Boocock. And I’d go up very quietly and say, ‘Are these lads bothering you?’ And before she had time to answer, a fight would start, and I’d take them all on. All six at once, and it would end up with them pleading for mercy. And then Janis would put her hand on my arm and ask me to let them off . . . and I would. That was my favourite rescue.

  That’s how the trouble with Arthur Boocock started.

  I’d been on guard one playtime, and had gone into one of my ‘rescues’. It was the swimming-bath rescue. Janis would be swimming in the deep end, and she’d get into trouble, and I’d dive in and rescue her. I’d bring her to the side, put a towel round her, and then walk off without saying a word. Bit daft really, because I can’t swim. Not a stroke. Mind you, I don’t suppose I could beat up six lads on my own either, especially if one of them was Arthur Boocock. Anyway, I was just pulling Janis out of the deep end when I heard Melrose shouting his head off.

  ‘Straight to the Headmaster’s study. Go on, all three of you!’

  I looked round, and I couldn’t believe it. Melrose was inside Smokers’ Corner. He’d caught Arthur, Tony and Norbert. He was giving Arthur a right crack over the head. How had he caught them? I’d been there all the time . . . standing guard . . . thinking about Janis . . . I just hadn’t seen him coming . . . oh heck . . .

  ‘I warned you, Boocock, all of you. Go and report to the Headmaster!’

  As he was going past me, Arthur showed me his fist. I knew what that meant.

  They all got the cane for smoking, and Melrose had it in for Arthur even though he was still doing well at his running. The more Melrose picked on Arthur, the worse it was for me, because Arthur kept beating me up.

  That was the first thing he’d done after he’d got the cane – beaten me up. He reckoned I’d not warned them about Melrose on purpose.

  ‘How come you didn’t see him? He’s blooming big enough.’

  ‘I just didn’t.’

  I couldn’t tell him that I’d been daydreaming about Janis Webster.

  ‘He must’ve crept up behind me.’

  Arthur hit me, right on my ear.

  ‘How could he go behind you? You had your back to the wall. You did it on purpose, you yeller-belly!’

  And he hit me again, on the same ear.

  After that, Arthur hit me every time he saw me. Sometimes he’d hit me in the stomach, sometimes on the back of my neck. Sometimes he’d raise his fist and I’d think he was going to hit me, and he’d just walk away, laughing. Then he started taking my spending money. He’d say, ‘Oh, you don’t want that, do you?’ and I’d say, ‘No, you have it, Arthur.’

  I was really scared of him. He made my life a misery. I dreaded going to school, and when I could, I’d stay at home by pretending to be poorly. I used to stick my fingers down my throat and make myself sick.

  I suppose that’s when I started to get behind with my school work, but anything was better than being bullied by that rotten Arthur Boocock. And when I did go to school, I’d try to stay in the classroom at playtime, or I’d make sure I was near the teacher who was on playground duty. Of course, Arthur thought it was all very funny, and he’d see if he could hit me without the teacher seeing, which he could.

  Dinner time was the worst because we had an hour free before the bell went for school dinners, and no one was allowed to stay inside. It was a school rule. That was an hour for Arthur to bully me. I used to try and hide but he’d always find me.

  By now it didn’t seem to have anything to do with him being caught smoking and getting the cane. He just seemed to enjoy hitting me and tormenting me. So I stopped going to school dinners. I used to get some chips, or a Cornish pasty, and wander around. Sometimes I’d go into town and look at the shops, or else I’d go in the park and muck about. Anything to get away from school and Arthur Boocock.

  That’s how I met Archie.

  There’s a running track in the park, a proper one with white lines and everything, and one day I spent all dinner time watching this old bloke running round. That was Archie. I went back the next day and he was there again, running round and round, and I got talking to him.

  ‘Hey, mister, how fast can you run a mile?’

  I was holding a bag of crisps, and he came over and took one. He grinned at me.

  ‘How fast can you run a mile?’

  I’d never tried running a mile.

  ‘I don’t know, I’ve never tried.’

  He grinned again.

  ‘Well, now’s your chance. Come on, get your jacket off.’

  He was ever so fast and I found it hard to keep up with him, but he told me I’d done well. I used to run with Archie every day after that. He gave me an old tracksuit top, and I’d change into my shorts and trainers and chase round the track after him. Archie said I was getting better and better.

  ‘You’ll be running for Yorkshire one of these days.’

  I laughed and told him to stop teasing me. He gave me half an orange. He always did after running.

  ‘Listen, lad, I’m serious. It’s all a matter of training. Anybody can be good if they train hard enough. See you tomorrow.’

  That’s when I got the idea.

  I decided to go in for the mile in the school sports at the end of term. You had to be picked for everything else, but anybody could enter the mile.

  There were three weeks to the end of term, and in that three weeks I ran everywhere. I ran to school. I ran with Archie every dinner time. I went back and ran on the track after school. Then I’d run home. If my mum wanted anything from the shops, I’d run there. I’d get up really early in the mornings and run before breakfast. I was always running. I got into tons of trouble at school for not doing my homework properly, but I didn’t care. All I thought about was the mile.

  I had daydreams about it. Always me and Arthur, neck and neck, and Janis would be cheering me on. Then I dropped Janis from my daydreams. She wasn’t important any more. It was just me and Arthur against each other. I was sick of him and his bullying.
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  Arthur did well at sports day. He won the high jump and the long jump. He was picked for the half mile and the four-forty, and won them both. Then there was the announcement for the mile.

  ‘Will all those competitors who wish to enter the open mile please report to Mr Melrose at the start.’

  I hadn’t let on to anybody that I was going to enter, so everybody was very surprised to see me when I went over in my shorts and trainers – especially Melrose. Arthur thought it was hilarious.

  ‘Well, look who it is. Do you want me to give you half a mile start?’

  I ignored him, and waited for Melrose to start the race. I surprised a lot of people that day, but nobody more than Arthur. I stuck to him like a shadow. When he went forward, I went forward. If he dropped back, I dropped back. This went on for about half the race. He kept giving me funny looks. He couldn’t understand what was happening.

  ‘You won’t keep this up. Just watch.’

  And he suddenly spurted forward. I followed him, and when he looked round to see how far ahead he was, he got a shock when he saw he wasn’t.

  It was just like my daydreams. Arthur and me, neck and neck, the whole school cheering us on, both of us heading for the last bend. I looked at Arthur and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. He was crying his eyes out. I knew at that moment I’d beaten him. I don’t mean I knew I’d won the race. I wasn’t bothered about that. I knew I’d beaten him, Arthur. I knew he’d never hit me again.

  That’s when I walked off the track. I didn’t see any point in running the last two hundred yards. I suppose that’s because I’m not a natural athlete . . .

  ‘Sport – “He is not a natural athlete.” Didn’t you do anything right this term?’

  Blimey! My mum was still reading my report. I started to eat my gammon and chips. They’d gone cold.

  THE FOURSOME

  I looked at myself in the long mirror. Fantastic! Yes, those new trousers were definitely it. Sixteen-inch bottoms and no turn-ups – boy, I couldn’t wait for Barry to see them. Mind you, I’d wanted fifteen-inch bottoms, but there was no chance of that with my mum. She thinks anybody who wears drainpipes will end up in approved school.