by JL Brooks
“I deserved that,” he said.
I remained tight-lipped, unsure how to react. The beating in my heart began to slow down. I took a deep breath; it was now or never. I had buried this secret so deep, it was as if it never happened. But that was a lie I have been reminded of every twenty-eight days -- the moment I first see the tinges of blood on the paper along with the cramping of my stomach. My hands had unconsciously moved over my abdomen while I collected my thoughts. Connor still remained quiet.
“I made it to St. Louis before I realized something was wrong and the withdrawal kicked in. I landed in the ER alone with a one hundred four degree temperature and a wicked case of Syphilis, thanks to your cheating ass! They told me if the baby survived, that it most likely would have issues.”
Connor looked over me in disbelief with rounded eyes as they moved to my stomach before traveling back to my gaze. I slowly shook my head.
“I was pregnant when I left. They offered to take it, so I consented.”
I closed my eyes tightly as the words I hoped never to speak came out. My hands were shaking as I turned my back to him and started to pack my suitcase. I had to get out of here, away from him, away from everything. My whole body started to tremble as the breakdown commenced. I felt the wailing coming from the deepest parts of my soul, demanding absolution.
As my knees started to give way, Connor pulled me tightly to his chest while sinking to the ground behind me. He held tight with a vice grip, doing his best to restrain my thrashing body. I wanted to fight, and run, and die at the same time. It seemed like forever passed while I simply laid there weeping. His fingers gently traced my hairline and rubbed my arms for comfort.
I was empty. The carpet might as well have been cold hard stone, because this felt like bottom. I heard noises that were almost words, but could not be fully distinguished in my grief. It sounded like someone yelling at the end of a tunnel, the echoes coming in fragments. Connor rolled me onto my back and leaned over me, kissing my forehead. As he pulled back, I could see the splotchy redness on his cheeks. His eyes were puffy and damp.
“I’m sorry, I am so sorry,” he choked out.
I simply turned to roll away from him. He should have been sorry long before now. He pulled me back once again and kissed me deeply. He leaned away only enough to rest against my forehead. His eyes closed as he spoke softly.
“I wasn’t there for you then, and I can’t change that. Please, Violet…please, for the love of God, let me be here now.”
I felt the warm tears pour down the sides of my face as his dripped down onto my nose.
“I loved you so much, Connor. Why did you have to hurt me?”
His head fell down to my shoulder as he took deep breaths he seemed unable to catch. This was his moment of reconciliation. I felt the weight of the world crashing down upon him. He was crying so hard, no sound escaped. My arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer, consoling him just as he had done for me not long before. After a long while, his cracked voice began to speak.
“It’s not an excuse. I was thinking with my cock and not my head. If I knew for one moment what would really happen, I wouldn’t have done it. She came to me, jealous of you, telling me she could please me in ways you couldn’t. You and I were fighting all the time; you were getting sick of my shit. I couldn’t stand watching you dance for those men – how they looked at you. You were mine.”
I rolled onto my side and propped my head up with my elbow to the ground. “You told her you loved her while you were fucking her in our bed.” I looked at him for his response.
He washed his face with his hands and held it for a while. “Violet, a guy will tell a girl whatever she wants to hear while he’s in the middle of getting off so she doesn’t stop.”
“Wow, talk about us being honest with each other,” I replied
“Vy, I have never fallen in love with anyone since you. I knew I would never see you again. I felt like maybe that was God’s way of punishing me for what I did to you. Only, I had no idea the damage I caused.”
“Connor, I seriously doubt that God had anything to do with our mess. That was all our own creation, and we had to suffer the consequences.”
The heater against the wall kicked in, breaking the silence that was starting to mount between us.
“Violet...”
“Yeah?”
“Please stay with me, even if it’s only for a week.” I could hear the desperation in his voice.
“I have a lot to do. I am sure you have to work. I can’t play here. This week is about my family, not me. I can’t let them down. They are depending on me to hold it all together, and I am doing a piss poor job of it.”
“I can help, Vy. Let me.” His hands traced along my neck and chest while he gently kissed their trail.
“You have an extra two hundred thousand lying around so I can save my grandparents’ land?” I laughed at the ridiculous statement. His face, however, was completely serious.
“Actually, I do.”
“Connor, I was being sarcastic. I could never ask that of you!”
“What if I wanted to buy it? It’s close to my parents’ property, and it’s worth at least five times that much. That’s what I do now – I took over my parents’ development firm.”
“If you did, I don’t know when I could start to pay you back. I couldn’t even afford the mortgage payments the bank told me. Don’t worry about it, some things just aren’t meant to be. We’re just going to sign it over to bank.”
I watched his eyes follow the clenching of my jaw as I looked away, trying my best to stop crying. He leaned down and kissed the spot on my neck where you can feel the pulse. His lips lingered for moments, simply rested against the skin. Hot puffs of air came out of his nostrils, giving intermediate burst of warmth.
“I have some serious making up to do; let this be a start.”
Before I could protest, his searing mouth came over mine diverting an argument.
“We can work out some kind of payment plan, Violet.”
He licked his lips and went straight for my breast.
“I’m not a whore!” I yelled.
His hand reached up and placed a finger across my mouth as his other hand kneaded my nipple between his fingers. “You’re too expensive to be a whore; I guess that makes you wife material.”
My jaw dropped at his crude comment, no matter how funny he thought he was being. As if that were not enough, he slammed into me, then stilled, taking possession of my body once more.
“I would gladly buy you a million acres if it means that I get to feel the way I do right now every day.”
“You’re pretty confident, you pompous prick!” My eyes started to roll in the back of my head as he continued to move slowly in and out.
“Do you think that this is what marriage is like?” he asked
“What the sex part? I surely hope so!”
“No, the bantering back and forth.” He was smiling at me, but all I could do was freeze. He had just repeated the word from my dream.
To keep him from noticing my little freak out, I asked him to take me from behind again. I rose up to my hands and knees and braced for his entrance. “Don’t tell me you love me right now, you might lose a body part.” He tensed at my comment until I turned around and gave him a wink.
“What do you want me to say then?” he asked quietly.
“Anything but that...”
Chapter 21 - Deal with the Devil
We walked slowly around the lake behind the historic hotel I loved so much in silence for the most part. After so much confrontation and confession, there was not a lot left to say. I was nervous about Connor buying the property – not because he would not keep his end of the bargain, but because it was a tether I was unsure I could handle. It meant him being in my life again, but even more so with me being indebted to him. The stolen glances became magnetic gazes. Sunlight illuminated the web of wrinkles starting to form around his eyes, a testimony of the truth that everyt
hing changes with time.
Could I honestly forgive him for what he did to me? I had to if I planned on going through with this. Anger had bred into a contemptuous monster that imprisoned my heart.
This wasn’t just about me. My actions stood to affect multiple worlds; just like everything else, it could never be simple. The balmy winds gently blew across the lake that reflected threads of gold on the small waves. A low bench faced towards the mountains and offered the perfect opportunity to settle the chaos.
It was less than twelve hours ago that Connor and I collided, yet an entire lifetime seems to have passed. He joined me on the small iron sitting area and waited for me to speak. I swallowed the lump in my throat a few times. I did not want to feel as though I was being cornered. I needed to believe that this was a choice made of free will. I could walk away right now, free and clear, and never speak to him again. If I were in my right mind, that might be exactly what I would do, but I am not and I won’t. Was the ranch so important that I would make a deal with the devil to keep it?
The cards were in my hands, but I was cautious of my good fortune. Connor was looking out into the distance, lost in the sounds of the water lapping on the rocky shoreline. Ducks became curious of our presence and started to gather in hopes of a few bread chunks or bags of popcorn that people normally brought.
I knew it was getting time to head to the bank and broke the silence.
“I will stay with you under one condition. It’s not because of what you are offering me, but because I think we have more we need to work out. I don’t want to leave here like I did the last time, and I will need more than a few hours with you to find some peace. I cannot guarantee you anything; you must accept that now.”
Connor slid to the ground and nestled between my knees, wrapping his arms around my waist. As he laid his head gently on my lap, we remained there for a long while. I hated to interrupt this moment, yet the clock ticked away relentlessly as a reminder we were not in control.
“We have to go now; it’s time.” I spoke quietly as I leaned in to kiss the top of his head.
The fabric seam of my pants left a red crease along his cheek. Using the pad of my index finger, I traced along the mark. Connor acted as if I was going to vanish before his eyes – the way he watched me while kissing my knuckles.
Holding onto my hand as I got to my feet, he assisted me up without breaking contact. For the rest of the afternoon, he made every attempt to be continuously touching me in some manner. Even under the murderous stare of Vivienne, he remained possessive. She and I both held our breaths as they signed the documents.
What stood to be a devastating event was softened by the most unexpected source. The men bantered easily as if they were ordering lunch, not securing the future of my family’s land. In a moment, it was over. The ominous hands that were so ready to snatch away our roots were now extended in courtesy, pleased that they were able to complete the deal so smoothly. I was only able to get Vivienne to concede under one condition. We had a year to secure enough funds to cover the debt. Connor could not sell the property within that year unless she authorized it, being the power of attorney. He felt it wasn’t necessary, but I agreed it would make me feel better as well.
Our eyes grew large as Connor signed and handed them a check for approximately two hundred and seventy thousand dollars. I had yet to tell him that nearly sixty of that was because of my schooling. When I showed up at my grandmother’s house after finding Connor and Taylor together, she held me tight as I bared my soul to her. The next morning she handed me a check and told me to not worry about school; she would make sure I never put myself in a position like that again. She also gave me a Bible and told me I would need it for my journey. Encouragement shielded the disappointment in hope that the experience rocked me hard enough to walk a narrow path. Never being the church going type, I opened the book and read the first thing I saw.
Depart from evil and do good things. How appropriate.
I packed the red leather bound book in my duffel bag along with some clothes. I refused to go back to the apartment; there was nothing in my life that couldn’t be replaced. She kissed my cheeks and told me she would pray for me.
Connor’s hand lightly massaged my shoulder, snapping me out of my reflections. Vivienne continued to appear ready to attack him the moment we walked out of the conference room. I must have noticed something, because she asked me to go on ahead so she could talk to Connor alone. I didn’t hesitate to listen and turned on one foot without question. She was the only one who knew about my hospital visit and the baby.
During our short conversation earlier in the morning, I told her we had come clean. Ten minutes passed before they came walking out to meet me in the lobby. Connor’s head was lowered to the ground as if he’d just lost the biggest fight in the world. Vivienne looked none too pleased with me, but didn’t say a word. I knew we were all exhausted. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with us, but she declined. Sitting down so soon with him was too much for her. Agreeing to breakfast before the service the next day, she knew his gesture deserved at least that much. With a hug and a kiss, she whispered in my ear.
“He has been warned.”
With one last glare directed at Connor, she got into her rental and headed off to spend the evening with some friends.
“We need to go get your car, too, and return it so you are not charged anymore fees. We still have time before they close.”
My head dropped back as I grumbled loudly.
“Okay, that’s a good idea, I totally forgot about it.” I shook my head from side to side, embarrassed at my absent attention span.
“You need some sleep – we both do. Now that you don’t have to worry about the ranch, you can breathe a little more. One foot in front of the other, that is how we’re going to do this, okay?”
I looked at Connor as if he was crazy. “When did you become the voice of reason?”
I tried laughing, because it was funny. Even as kids, he never stepped up to the plate. It was always me being the responsible one.
“Ever since I got word that you were in town and needed help.” His hands wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me close.
So much had happened that it seemed unbelievable, but it was true. I was too tired to think anymore. I squeezed back and returned the kiss he offered. “Thank you.” I gave him another quick kiss and held his elbow as we walked back to the Jeep. Whatever my sister said dragged him into a melancholy mood, but he continued to keep touching me as much as possible. Even the threat of Vivienne Phillips was not enough to deter him from his mission.
“Do you want to go somewhere to eat? I really don’t have any food at my house. We can go to the grocery, too, and pick up a few things if you want instead.”
His thumb ran along the inside of my palm as he spoke. I was not in the mood for sitting down somewhere. I just wanted to crawl in a bed as soon as possible, so I opted for the store. After pulling into the parking lot of the Front Street Cabaret, I quickly jumped into my car and headed towards the rental center. I wanted to be as far away from there as possible.
An hour later, we were walking the aisles of a boutique grocery, randomly tossing items in the cart. A deep sense of calm began to wash over me. This was the first normal thing I had experienced since touching down two days ago. Hearing the clicking noise of the wheels against the linoleum was comforting alongside the light music piped in over the speakers. The distinct smell of a health food store lingered in the air. I picked up a bunch of bananas and began the hunt for breakfast ingredients.
“Do you still like banana pancakes?” I was still deciding between organic mixes when I looked up to him for an answer.
“I haven’t had them since you made them for me.” His lip started to quiver as if he was admitting he threw a baseball into a neighbor’s window.
I was done being sad for the day, I wanted a semblance of a happy thought. “Would you like me to make you some tomorrow?” I made an excited express
ion, hoping it would be contagious.
“Please,” he said softly.
I smiled approvingly and started walking to the meat section for some sausage and eggs. I rarely ever cooked and almost never for anyone else. Alessa liked me cooking at her apartment, because she never did. Every few months, we would host a bourbon party that required cooking appetizers since I refused to have it catered. I doubted Vivienne would eat much, so I bought a bag of espresso grounds and a small coffee press.
“Do we need to stop and buy some pans, too?” I smirked
“I have everything else you need,” he said while caressing my back end, causing a hitch in my breathing. It never stopped and he knew it.
Connor tried to get in front of me closer to the cashier once the items were loaded onto the belt. Insulted that he would try to pay after what he’d just done caused me to become testy.
“Let me do at least one thing for you, please!” I huffed out as I loaded the groceries back into the cart, but he just ignored me and smiled.
“I can think of some other things you can do for me – well, to me.” With a wink at the cashier, he turned just as I went beet red.
I began walking towards the Jeep without looking back. Hearing Connor chuckle caused a slight grin to grow across my lips. Is this how it could have been for us? His demeanor started to become more relaxed and a glimmer was present in his eyes. He was buoyant compared to an hour ago.
“Let’s go home now.” He placed his arm across the seats with his hand just above my head as he backed out.
Noticing we were back on Route 24 headed west, I looked out the window as we traveled through Old Colorado City towards Manitou. “Where do you live?” I was surprised I hadn’t asked, yet. With everything else, it didn’t cross my mind.
