by JL Brooks
“You will see.” He looked mischievous as though the revelation would surprise me. He pulled into the same parking lot we were at the night before and could tell I looked confused. “Follow me.” As he stood there holding onto several grocery bags, I took a few and followed him through the small lot to an inconspicuous door at the back of an old brick building. The entryway was dark and had an old wooden stairway immediately ahead as you walked in. He held the door with his back and motioned for me to walk up the steps.
“It’s the door on the left.”
I stood and waited for him to set down the groceries and retrieve his keys. He seemed nervous that I was there and excited at the same time. I couldn’t deny the curiosity that was building inside of me. Why did he have an apartment above a business? If he could afford to buy a ranch at the drop of a dime, surely he could do better.
The irony was not lost on me. I too lived way below my means and had my reasons. Soon I could change the situation if I chose to. I had become so accustomed to having very little; it would be a shock to my system when I was no longer bound to certain obligations.
He opened the door and waited for me to enter.
“Welcome to Casa Lewis.”
I stepped across the threshold and immediately had all the air sucked out of my lungs. As I gripped tightly onto the bags to prevent them from hitting the ground, I thought how I should have known better than to make any type of assumptions about Connor.
The door clicked behind me and the deadbolt locked into place. There was no running now.
Chapter 22 - Never Say Never
The evening sun poured into the large windows lining two walls in the exposed brick apartment. The ceilings must have been over twenty-five feet with gleaming sheet metal duct work snaking across the ceiling. An open floor plan was separated by partition like walls. Stainless steel appliances surrounded the poured concrete counters that were stained a navy blue and buffed to a shine. The doors were made of corrugated metal, completing the industrial feel of the place. This was definitely a man’s abode. I ran my fingers along the large, brown leather L shaped sitting area. Reclaimed lumber and glass tables were scattered through the room. Connor was putting things away in the kitchen and observing my reaction.
“It’s beautiful.” I gazed at him for a moment before looking around. This explained Connor without saying a word. The outside was deceiving as to what was really within. I always felt like I was the only one who really saw him. I doubted I was the first female to share those sentiments about this place. The thought pulled me back from being lost and made me a little nauseous.
It was too quiet for my comfort. I wandered over to the corner where I noticed a low table with a set of turntables and a mixer. Several shelves of records lined the wall; there were thousands, all neatly organized.
“You seriously have decks? Do you still play?”
My fingers traced along the circles of the belt that rotated the records on the tables. I looked over to the kitchen as he was putting things away and not paying attention. Normally, you would ask a person to touch their equipment, but he always used to let me mess around on them. I found the small velvet box and gently removed the needles for the arm. Everything appeared brand new – not anything like the venues we frequented every weekend while he played.
Connor developed a bit of cult following in Denver and Colorado Springs as a club DJ. The Five Points area was not the safest place to be under normal circumstances, but many nights were spent dancing until dawn in large warehouses. It made me so proud to be his girlfriend when he was rocking out with a large crowd of sweaty bodies moving to the sounds vibrating out from the speakers.
I thumbed through the vertical bins for a few records. Under the cube labeled Trip Hop, I found tracks I had not heard in forever. Excitedly, I flipped on the power buttons to everything and gently placed the vinyl down. The haunting sound of Portishead filled the room, finally causing Connor to notice what I was doing. He continued to move about the kitchen as my fingers grazed the spinning record on the other side to catch the perfect moment. Cradling the headphone with my left shoulder, I silently counted beats in my head while matching the speeds of the tempo. The fader perfectly aligned in the center for a few moments before shifting to the next record.
Jumping up and down in excitement caused the record to skip and scratch slightly, which drew a stink eye look from Connor. I mouthed an “oops” before I popped off the headphones and flipped wildly through the records for more music. I became a little braver with old drum and bass records that I knew I couldn’t play, but wanted to listen to anyway. The fast snares and driving bass lines ripped through the apartment, furiously shaking the glass windows and picture frames. With a small stack piled at my feet, I cranked up the sound and started to shake my hips and pound my fist into the air. Only half of the song played before he came over and turned down the volume, shaking his head.
“Sorry, Vy.” He tapped his foot and looked down, indicating I would be bothering the business below.
Cupping my hands around my mouth, I gave a low “boooooo” before turning off the power.
“I didn’t say you had to stop; just turn it down, sweetheart.” He walked over to his shelf, leaving me to ponder his choice of words. How easily they slipped off his tongue.
The beauty of dusk pulled me to the windows where I could see the shops closing for the evening. I didn’t have to ask why he chose this place. There was a perfect view of Soda Springs Park and the fountains down the street. The other side gave a glimpse of the entrance to the mountains. The silhouette stood against a sky of fiery oranges and pinks.
Connor came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, slowly swaying back and forth to another record. Sliding my palm over his large hands and lacing my fingers in between his, I pulled him tighter against my back. I could feel his heart rate pick up through my shoulder blade. With one quick movement, he grasped my other hand and spun me away, then back in, facing him. Following his lead, we waltzed around the large room. I looked into his eyes and allowed his body to direct my next steps. The seductive tempo sent us effortlessly into a trance while we stared at each other for a long while, both disbelieving this was real.
Once upon a time, he was the only future I saw. In a fraction of second, I could wake up and our true lives would reappear, leaving nothing but splinters of memory. The mind could play cruel tricks like that. I touched his face gently, praying it would not happen. I could not hold my anger against Connor and move on. Even if I didn’t stay, I could leave now, knowing that part of me has been put to rest. The atrophy in my heart was beginning to vanish with each passing hour. I still loved him despite my hate for him. People cheat and do horrible things all the time. I was just as guilty of being a dishonest person. Who was I to judge him for his wrongs? It was a mistake we have both paid dearly for over many years. When I said yes, it freed him. He was now able to atone for the wrongs that made him the broken man I saw now.
When the record ended, he led me to the back of the apartment into the master bathroom. I smiled as soon as I saw the cavernous shower and the multiple openings in the walls. An electronic panel in the wall caused steam to form slowly as a waterfall of hot water poured from the ceiling. If I were ever to have a dream bathroom, this would be it. A giant steel trough tub was set up in the corner. Round copper sinks rested on rescued antique cabinets, with exposed pendant light bulbs strung from the ceiling. Connor walked over to pull fluffy blue towels from a cupboard that looked to be over a hundred years old.
“You’re smiling like you approve.” He was beaming at my reaction to the room.
My clothing was peeling off without a second thought. “It’s amazing; I have never seen anything like it. Did you do this?”
Stripping down himself, Connor eyed me lustfully as I stepped under the soothing water. “I actually thought of you when I designed it.”
“Why?” I was curious, because I loved it.
“Bathroo
ms were your refuge. There was nothing a good soak or shower couldn’t fix with you.” He smiled affectionately at the memory.
“Um, they still kind of are. I had this great old claw foot tub for a long time when I moved back. It was my best friend.” The thought created a sting that started to pierce my stomach.
Connor watched as my mood faltered. “What happened, Violet?” His eyes widened in concern.
Turning my back so he couldn’t see how much it pained me, I was getting furious at the way fate kept repeating these moments for me to live out. The last time Connor and I showered together like this was after the bridge incident. My mistakes were becoming demons, taunting me at every turn.
“It’s gone.” With that, I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Connor followed behind and spun me around. With the strongest embrace and the deepest kiss, he was resolved on pulling me out of whatever gorge I had fallen into.
“You sure you want my depressed ass around you right now?” I laughed at my sadness in an attempt to ease the pain.
“I don’t care what mood your fantastic ass is in; I want you around. I never want to let you go. Now brush your teeth because your breath is awful.”
With a playful punch, I went to my bag to grab my toiletry kit and pajamas. As Connor walked into the bedroom to put a pair of shorts on, I studied the tattoos he had across his chest and upper arm. I remembered a few he had gotten earlier in life, but they appeared to have been covered up with much more intricate pieces since then. Colorful koi fish swam through turquoise water and lily pads. A half broken heart was inked on the left side of his chest. Instead of being red like most people choose to tattoo, it was a dark and faded shade of purple. I didn’t have to ask what that one was about.
He noticed my eyes wandering over his body and studying that spot. Unconsciously touching it with his fingers was a simple warning he had been burned. A man who chooses a permanent reminder like that wants to remember for a reason. Before I was able to put my shirt on, he traced the outline of the bite on my shoulder, and then kissed it softly.
Crawling under the soft covers, sleep overtook me before I hit the pillow. There were no dreams or nightmares – the world just disappeared. I never thought I would find myself back in Connor Lewis’s bed. I should have known better than to say never.
Chapter 23 - Foundations
She was my rock and she knew it. I felt like a terrible granddaughter for essentially abandoning her that day. The last time I stepped foot in this house, I was just moments from teetering on the edge as a result of Connor’s actions and the mess I created. I had to make something of myself so she knew her efforts spent on me were not in vain. She constantly reminded me of how smart I was, saying I could do anything I put my mind to. I inherited her tenacious nature; we never spoke of recklessness, but part of me wondered where that came from, too.
I always felt like Vivienne and I were proof her lineage was substantial. She would always comment about not understanding how my mother could be so detached from reality, when she herself resided in the cold hard truth. Until I grew older, I never understood, either. Streams of sunlight poured in through the old cotton drapes. A fine layer of dust rested upon every surface, undisturbed by our presence.
Connor followed silently as I walked listlessly through every room. I didn’t allow myself to come here, since up until yesterday, I thought it was as good as gone. I had already mentally packed up and shipped everything off to donation centers. It’s what she would have wanted – to help others. There was nothing in the house I was seeking except the ship. She knew she was getting sick and insisted on visiting me and Vivienne as often as she could. She loved both Cincinnati and Florida. Each time she would make sure to send a small box of things she thought we would want. There were still so many items in every room; I could not find my grandfather’s beloved Esperanza. It was packed away long ago, and there was no more time to search for it today.
I walked by Connor, simply tilted my head towards the door, and kept going. Not a word was exchanged between us during the time we were in there. He knew what happened because he tried to come after me. My grandfather told him he would shoot him on sight if he ever caught him on his property again after what he did. I am pretty sure that is what any father or grandfather says to a young man after they break their little lady’s heart. Connor took the warning seriously, as he should have, and had not been back except to drop off my belongings in the middle of the night on their front porch with an apology letter. They never told me about either incident. It came out by accident when I called one of their neighbors after my grandfather’s death, which happened shortly after I left.
The box was still sitting on a chair in one of the bedrooms I passed. I didn’t recognize it because I had never seen it. Noticing Connor was not following me, I back tracked my steps to the spare bedroom and found him sitting on the bed, holding a letter.
“What are you looking at?”
His head was bent down while clutching the yellowed piece of notebook paper. “You didn’t know, Vy, did you? I tried to say I was sorry. They didn’t tell you.”
I leaned against the entry of the door, carefully crafting a response. He knew why they didn’t tell me just like I did. They knew if I stayed, I would have died. Connor and I were two tornados bound to destroy everything in our path. Separating us was the only hope they had for me coming out of that in one piece.
“Can you blame them?” I left it at that and turned once again to leave. The day was cloudy and snow began to flurry all around. Funerals have a funny way of making the weather add to the ambiance of the day. The Jeep had heated seats that didn’t require the engine to be on, so I waited for Connor to lock up and get going.
He opened the door and stepped in slowly with the letter still gripped in his hand. Holding it for a few moments before looking at me, his eyes were growing red as the blood started to fill the vessels from emotional pressure.
“Please read it, Violet. I need you to.” His hands trembled as they reached across the divider and waited for me to take it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to read what he had to say then. I knew this was important to him, so I gently pried the folded paper from his fingers and opened it up. In the world of digital communication, a handwritten letter is a rare commodity. You know when you receive one that the author took a great deal of time conveying what they felt. Every word was written with precision, which made me wonder how many drafts he completed before finishing the final product I now held. It was not long – just half a page or so. That was all it took to rip every piece down to the foundation.
My sweet Violet,
I fucked up. I know I did real badly. I have nightmares about that look on your face when you walked in on us. I didn’t mean for it to happen. That ain’t an excuse. You have given me more chances than I deserved. I don’t know where you are. I can’t find you and I am going out of my mind. I can’t eat or sleep. Drugs and drinkin’ don’t do a damn thing to make the pain stop. I know I can’t call your dad, and you stopped talking to everyone else.
I don’t blame you for running away from me. I knew I was gonna hurt you. I don’t want to, but I manage to keep doing it. I hope someday you can forgive me. I know I am never going to see you again and it’s my own damn fault. I deserve these nightmares. Since I know it’s never going to be me, I want you to find someone who can treat you the way you should be. He’d better worship the ground you walk on, because any man who doesn’t is going to be as broken as me.
I will love you forever, Violet Phillips.
Connor
I clenched my jaw in a useless attempt to hold back the tears…not just for the man who was sitting next to me, but for the other one I left behind. I did find someone who loved me completely, and I ran. I knew it must have hurt him, but after seeing Connor in this moment, I couldn’t bear the thought of what I truly did. Yeah, Connor screwed up, but Shepard never did – not once. I ran from pain; it was easier than facing it, but you can’t out-run yoursel
f…
Chapter 24 - Broken Vows
I had asked for big band music to be played during the service because that is what my grandma wanted. She told me on several occasions, “Don’t be sad when I die, because I won’t be. I will be with Jesus, not in the ground.” She requested to be cremated and have her ashes spread off the mountain side facing Colorado Springs. The snow prevented us from getting up there today, and it would be best to do during warmer weather.
I had to come back to clean out the house, but now that Connor had bought it, I had time. He was sitting in a chair at the edge of the room, letting me speak to everyone and accept their condolences. Vivienne came up behind me while glancing at him and whispered, “She would be furious to know he was here. I am not happy one iota about this, Violet, but it’s your life. Just do me a favor and be smart. Yeah, he bought the ranch, but what is it going cost you?”
With that, she plastered on her bright smile and went about the room, speaking words of encouragement. Connor witnessed the exchange and I knew it was concerning him. Looking back over to Vivienne, he caught her evil glare. If people were not in mourning, they may have noticed, but no one did. Everyone began to slowly enter the sanctuary for the service. Grandma didn’t want anything too fancy, so it would be short and sweet. We waited for everyone to go in first – Vivienne ahead of me. I grabbed Connor’s hand and opened the heavy wooden door. Pausing for a second, the irony of the situation made me smirk.
“Well, you kept one promise; you always said one day you were going to walk me down the aisle.” I tried to laugh to keep from crying more.
Everyone turned around to watch us as we made our way up the path, fingers interlaced. I squeezed his hand tightly while nearing the altar and the pastor standing in the middle. The bitter sweetness of this moment made my legs feel like lead. Connor looked down at me and grabbed my elbow to offer more support. My tears of grief encompassed not just the one life lost.
