by JL Brooks
Once I was seated, the preacher began. His booming voice filled the room, echoing slightly through the rafters.
“Each of us is born with a purpose, a calling from the Almighty. Too often, we are distracted by the world to walk in that destiny. Our lives are cluttered with obligations and circumstances that prevent us from the fullness we can experience through reconciliation. Christ does not look at the outside of a man, but into his heart. When Christ looked at Melody Latham, he beamed with pride at his child and how she loved him and those around her. She opened her home to anyone who needed a hot meal, or a place to stay for a while. Now, we all know she had a backbone made of steel and when crossed, she would put you in your place, but few ever had need or desire to find out.”
Connor looked down, no doubt thinking about how everything happened. Lacing my arm underneath his, I tried to convey reassurance. His sweating palm and shaking knee calmed a little at my gesture. Using my other hand to gently massage his upper arm, we rested our heads against each other, secure in our cocoon of solace.
I managed to laugh as people told humorous stories about both of my grandparents and us girls. There were so many people there that I didn’t even notice Connor’s parents come in the back door. After the service, they were waiting in the reception area for us. His mother, JoEllen, was tearing up at the sight of me. With outstretched arms, she pulled me close to her chest and began to bawl loudly.
“Oh, little Violet, how I have missed you. Charles and I both have – so much. Why didn’t you keep in touch with us?” She looked genuinely wounded by my lack of communication.
Charles’ jaw tensed while he looked at a sullen Connor. Reaching up to rub my shoulders, he smiled affectionately and addressed his wife. “She’s made something of herself; Connor tells me she’s a doctor now. We knew she would go far, didn’t we, Jo?”
This unprompted reunion gave equal amounts of guilt and joy. They were happy to see me, which was all that mattered. It never even crossed my mind they would be upset I left. I only thought of myself. Connor’s actions were selfish, yet they too affected everyone around him. I had enough sadness for today; I asked Charles and JoEllen if they wanted to have dinner with us. They politely declined and hugged me tightly before leaving. Before walking away, Charles turned to Connor.
“Not everyone gets second chances, son. Don’t ruin yours.” He smiled at me and then left.
Connor looked more crushed than I had ever seen him before; I knew he was done, too. I found Vivienne and told her I was leaving. Her flight headed out later in the evening, so we hugged and I promised to call her. She once again refused another dinner with us. Not wanting to deal with anymore friction, I put on my coat and kissed the last guest good-bye. Connor walked with me to the lot and opened the door without a word. I waited for him to look at me before I got in. He wouldn’t, though; he looked everywhere else but at me.
With two leather gloved hands, I held his face gently and turned it up towards mine. He looked more like a child than a grown man. In that moment, I saw outside of myself and a glimpse of the bigger picture. I wasn’t the only one being confronted with my mistakes. The weight of the world was crashing down on his shoulders while he tried to make some shelter over mine.
This karmic collision course was not an accident. The urgency in my soul started to press forth, feeling physically uncomfortable in my skin; the only thing that would sooth it was forgiveness. I reached out and pulled him close, refusing to let go first. He clung back, saturating my neck in warm tears, as I soaked his chest in mine. An eternity passed before we broke the embrace. Two wet, reddened faces greeted each other while wiping snot away from our noses.
With a laugh, I managed to sob out, “Why does crying have to be so ugly?”
As Connor started to walk around to his door, I grabbed his arm to pull him back. Kissing him softly, I could feel the peace wash over us both. He beamed at me while helping me up into the seat.
“I’d like to take you somewhere, Violet…somewhere special. Can I do that? You have to stay an extra day, but it would mean a lot to me.”
Not really having a reason to decline, I simply nodded my head.
“I would like to go somewhere special.”
Putting the Jeep into gear and backing up slowly, he rested his hand on my thigh with a grin.
“We need to pack then; we will leave in the morning. It’s quite a drive and I want to take my time getting there.”
Chapter 25 - Shooting Stars
“Get up, Vy. We need to go now; it’s a long drive.” Connor gently shook my shoulders, attempting to rouse me from the comatose state I was drifting through. Sleepily rubbing my eyes and pulling my boots on, I stumbled to the door and down the steps, grabbing a fleece blanket off the sofa along the way. I wasn’t ready to wake up, and he was driving. He helped me tilt the seat into a reclined position and loaded the rest of our things in the back. We were just passing through the small town of Penrose when the sun had enough of my slumber.
“Morning, gorgeous. Good timing; I need to get gas. We’re going to stop in Canyon City – are you hungry?” Stretching and yawning like a cat in a windowsill, my bones cracked from lying uncomfortably for so long.
“Mmm…coffee…wait. Canyon? Can we go by the bridge?” With it still fresh on my mind from the dream, part of me wanted to revisit such an important part of my past.
“Your ass ain’t jumping – not in this cold weather, so don’t even think about it.” Connor knew I would never do such thing, but he warned me nonetheless.
I sneered at his comment and pulled my hat down over my eyes for a little longer. Not a half hour later, the Jeep pulled into a gas station where I got out and stretched to take in my surroundings. Canyon City was no different from every other town in Colorado. The growth was incredible. Homes sprawled along the horizon as far as the eye could see. Connor was smart to join his parents in land development, as Colorado was a gold mine. It made me happy he was able to make something of his life and not succumb as so many others did to the lifestyle we chose. It was not uncommon to hear of an old friend overdosing or going to jail. I would wait tentatively for the phone call or email that he too had been taken, but it never came.
He smiled casually as he hopped back in and waited for me. The bridge was just on the edge of the city and took less than ten minutes to reach. The path behind the parking lot remained carved by kids who trekked to jump every summer. Although slightly muddy from the snow, it was manageable to navigate. I didn’t need to walk across the trestle. The rushing water below was loud enough to sate my curiosity. I could close my eyes and go right back to that afternoon. The air was crisper, yet it was just as I remembered. Connor wrapped his arms around my waist and nuzzled into my neck.
“Violet, I was so scared that night. I know I joked, but knowing you could have gotten hurt bothered me for a long time, because it would have been my fault. I kept calling for you and you weren’t answering. I will never forget it; it was awful.”
As he squeezed me tighter, the voice in the back of my mind readied a sharp retort, but then ceased. I had to stop being so selfish and see how my actions affected other people. Yes, I almost got hit by the train, but he would have witnessed it. That too would have been a tragedy.
“Well, thankfully it didn’t.” I had seen enough and was satisfied. I moved out of his embrace and started to walk back.
“Vy, wait up. What’s your deal?” Connor was upset I was walking so quickly back to the Jeep, but I wanted to get away. I didn’t know what I was thinking, coming back here – what I would hope to gain. It was like being in a car wreck and seeing photos of the car. You know what happened, but you’re removed from it.
His hand grabbed my shoulders, causing me to come to a halt.
“Violet. Talk to me. You wanted to come here, but now you’re all pissy.”
I stopped and hung my head. With closed eyes, I turned around towards him. He didn’t ask for this. He was trying to make me happy and it kept
blowing up in his face.
“How many chances does a person get before they run out? My whole life, I have barely escaped one accident after another. Most of them are caused by my own stubbornness and stupidity, but I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try. I run headfirst into the storm, despite being ripped to shreds in the past. I am tired, Connor – really, I am.”
I backed away and turned towards the parking lot, walking slowly. He followed me and waited as I crawled back into my seat and laid down. I knew I was acting like a child, but I didn’t care. Whatever this thing I was going through was another wall I intended on breaking down. My past was a lead ball I was done carrying around. Although I was doing well with forgiveness, forgetting was a luxury that evaded me.
The rest of the drive was relatively quiet as we headed even further south across the Continental Divide. High up in the mountains, the snow thickened and created a winter wonderland. My feet were propped up on the dashboard while I worked on my laptop. Connor would peek occasionally and ask what it was. I would turn the screen and show the skews of data across the page that would make him shake his head and laugh.
“I always knew you were smart…too smart to be with me. I never figured that one out, but then again, I knew better than to question it.”
He grabbed my hand and kissed the knuckles without taking his eyes off the road and kept smiling. We soon pulled into a small gravel parking lot full of four wheel drive vehicles. Many were covered with stickers and ski racks. I saw the sign that indicated we were in Buena Vista as we drove through the small town before turning off the side road, although I had no idea where we were. I knew a few ski resorts were around this area, but this was different. We sat at the base of two snow-capped mountains, and a lodge type building was surrounded by a few other structures and smaller cabins.
“Where are we?” I looked around while placing my fingers on the door handle.
Connor was ecstatic as he jumped down and ran around the front of the Jeep to my side. “Come on, let’s go!”
I slid down the side of the seat into his waiting arms. His lips hovered over mine for a moment before softly kissing me. After checking in, we were lead to one of the small cabins. The room was very simple; there was no television or telephone, but it had a king sized bed, a dresser and a basic bathroom. We were informed that the sewer system utilized the hot spring water and the toilets were warm to the touch because of it, so to flush conservatively.
I raised my eyebrows at the hippy tour guide we had showing us around the room and then off to the back where a private door led to a small secluded deck. A wooden tub had steam coming out from underneath the cover. A small temperature gauge read how hot the water really was and we were given directions on how to modify the heat. Water ran continuously from the hot spring into the tubs. Once the lecture was complete on the workings of the space, we were left alone once again.
“I don’t have a bathing suit, Connor.” I looked at the tub and then peered down the hill at the pools below.
He laughed while stripping down to his briefs. “This is a clothing optional hot spring. You will see tonight once everyone arrives.”
I stopped dead in my tracks at the thought of a giant pool full of nude people. My lip started to curl up in disgust. I had my tastes, but I could only imagine what some visitors would look like in the buff. Just as the thought crossed my mind, a couple I imagined to be in their late seventies took off their robes and stepped into the steaming water. The woman’s breasts looked like tube socks hanging off of her chest. Her pubic area was gray and wild. The man had no bottom – simply flaps of flesh hanging from his back end. I tried to turn away, but I couldn’t.
Connor could see the horror on my face as my mind raced back and forth at the thought of going down to the communal pools and being exposed to so many people. Just a few days ago, I was nearly naked before a crowd, yet what was more natural in a sense seemed so abnormal.
“Violet, stop…we’re not going down unless you want to. That’s why I got this room. We have our own private space. I don’t intend on anyone seeing you naked except for me.”
His hands gently lifted my sweater off my arms and head. I shimmied out of my black cotton leggings and pink t-shirt. Coarse dark hair prickled against my legs from not shaving for two days and a flush of embarrassment came over me. Connor could see me rubbing my hands back and forth across my calf as if it would magically vanish.
“Mmm…sandpaper, let’s smooth my hands out – they are feeling kind of rough lately,” he teased while stroking his wide palms along my shins and thighs. I tried to back away, but Connor pinned me to the bed with my hands above my head. His knee nudged my legs apart where he nestled in between them.
With a gritted voice, he began to speak against my cheek. “Vy, don’t go back. Stay with me – I can make you happy.” He flexed his hip in a circular pattern, grinding into me against the thin fabric separating us. I felt him growing harder by the second as he breathed in the scent of my skin. With one hand he reached down into my center, making slow, calculated swirling motions with his fingers causing me to gasp.
“You’re not being fair…this is blackmail.” My head turned to the side, processing the delicious heat he was creating in my body.
“No, this is blackmail, sweetheart…” His fingers moved the fabric to the side, allowing him to probe my ready entrance. My chest arched in response to his touch; I wanted him – all of him.
He stilled after entering me and held my cheek with one hand.
“I’m serious. Stay, please. If you go, I am afraid you won’t come back. I can’t lose you again. I will take care of you.”
I looked away as the tears began to fill my eyes. This week was like a dream. Nothing about it seemed real. I knew it was coming to an end, and so did he. I couldn’t stay; it was not possible. The life I had waiting for me would only be patient for so long. Everything I worked for would vanish in a moment if I blinked too long. I simply couldn’t afford that, not even for this.
My hands were still held captive above my head, so I leaned up and caught his lips with my mouth and kissed him hungrily. He knew my answer without me saying a word. Releasing my arms, he pulled me tightly against him as he made love to me, kissing my face, neck and chest while slowly moving back and forth. Before I knew it, the words left my mouth.
“I still love you, Connor Lewis, I always have.”
My whispered admission caused his body to shudder. With a few soft grunts, he collapsed over me and into my arms. Resting his head against my shoulder, we napped for some time in a lovers embrace.
***
We awoke and immediately opened the door to the private deck. Night had fallen over the mountains that I learned were Mt. Harvard and Mt. Antero, both which were fourteeners. The sky mirrored the night he took me deep into the canyon. It was a moonless space full of diamonds glistening above. I could make out every constellation I knew and thousands more I did not.
My neck was growing a kink from tilting back against the edge of the tub for so long. The nearly scalding water felt incredible against the frigid winter air. Standing for only a brief moment hit you with a blast of icy wind. My tender nipples felt like rocks when I would sit on the side for a few moments to cool down. This place was amazing. I was so happy I allowed Connor to bring me here. He knew I would love it, and I did. It was so far removed from the rest of the world, where I could breathe, and think. He hadn’t asked too many questions since we had been together, yet I had a feeling they were coming. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind when he asked the first one.
“Have you fallen in love since me?” His hands skimmed the surface of the bubbling water across the vapor mist. I didn’t want to lie to him; he would know it. I would never deny Shepard anyway.
“Yes, once. A few years back. My boss was murdered and my neighbor noticed I was going downhill. He took care of me. Even before that, he was taking care of me; I just never really thought too much about it.”
; I looked into the sky once more, my mind drifting to another place in time. For some reason, Connor needed to know why, because he kept pressing.
“What happened?”
I closed my eyes. This memory pained me deeply. Although I thought of it often, I had not spoken of it since it happened. With a deep breath, I readied myself to relive the events that shaped my life as I presently knew it.
“We went away for a week. It was perfect. He went to school in Tennessee and I was working for the University of Cincinnati. A few days after he went back, his dad came to my house drunk. He tried to make a pass at me and I refused; he got angry and beat the shit out of me. I woke up in the hospital with a few broken ribs and a cracked skull. Shepard wasn’t allowed to see me. Just before the trial, his old man killed himself and I lost my job. I was told not to talk to him, and then his family blamed me and filed a lawsuit. I never fought, even though I knew it was wrong, because I thought it was best. He deserved something better than me.” I sunk into the water so it rested just beneath my nose and watched Connor for his response.
He just looked at me with pity and stopped at the scar on my temple. “Damn, Violet, I’m sorry. I wondered how you got that scar; I didn’t remember it.” His fingers traced the faint white line along my scalp.
“You haven’t talked to him since? He never got a say?” He started to make me nervous with the sudden concern over Shepard.
“It’s complicated, but it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s been over a long time; it’s done.” He shook his head and tilted it back.
“I just can’t imagine someone letting you go that easily. I know I couldn’t.”
Nothing more was said about Shepard, or much of anything. We both got out and crawled into bed, tangled close against each other. Once again, the vivid dreams I had managed to escape this week came pouring back in. I would awake with a start, then lay back and stare at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep again.
