Distractions

by JL Brooks

  How was it I could be lying next to Connor, but my mind was on someone else? I wrapped myself in a blanket and stepped back onto the deck. Looking below, the pools were now empty, so I slowly trekked down the path leading towards them. The world was quiet and still as my feet touched the warm water. Being a little further away, it was not quite as hot as above where our cabins were, but it was still nice. I tossed my robe onto a chair and grabbed a foam noodle to rest my head on. Drifting out into the middle of the pool, the near pitch black of night blanketed me in peace as I gazed at the stars. Not a sound was made beyond the cold breeze blowing through the mountains. The wind howled against my ears and I could feel my hair turning into icicles.

  I focused on the brightest star, and like a child, made a wish.

  Wherever you are, Shepard, I hope that you are happy and loved. I am so sorry for everything. I didn’t know what else to do. If you had any idea what was really happening, you might understand and even forgive me. If you can see this star, too, maybe you will sense the truth and know I loved you with everything in me.

  My wish sounded more like a prayer. I did hope he was happy and loved. He, of all people in the world, deserved that. I knew our paths would never cross again, so I could only believe he was. I released him to the universe and made room in my heart once more for Connor. Just then, a small star grazed across the sky, ever so briefly. He had done his best this week to prove he had changed and that everything we had gone through before the bullshit garnered a second chance. I pulled the robe around me and headed back up to our cabin. Connor wasn’t sleeping when I opened the door; a small light bathed the room in a soft yellow glow.

  “Where did you go? You were gone for a while.”

  I smiled and crawled into his arms to warm up again. “I went down to the pools to float for a bit and think.”

  He pulled me back against his chest and kissed my neck softly. “Did you decide anything while you were down there?” He sounded hopeful; I could feel him holding his breath, waiting for my answer.

  “Yes, I did. Let’s talk, okay?”

  Flipping around to face him, I cradled the sides of his head and pulled him into a kiss. Just to give him an indication it was a good talk, I raised my thigh over his hip and used my heel against his bottom to draw him closer. The action caused him to growl with pleasure.

  “I like where this is going…” His hands reached into my still chilled hair and smoothed it away from my face.

  “I hope so, Connor.”

  For a long time that evening, and into the next day, we conversed about the future. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but it was worth a shot. God knew I had been lonely for so long, and here was something where I knew I could at least predict the outcome and have the most control. Or so it would seem…

  Chapter 26 - Severed

  My week here in Colorado passed far too quickly. Despite my world turning upside down, I was not leaving with the feeling of dread I was anticipating. The launch went off without a hitch and was the success everyone banked on. Connor had negotiated an offer with the bank and the estate would be settled within the next sixty days. My family had all but dissipated after the funeral, especially when Connor offered to buy out the mortgage.

  Everything seemed so surreal. Although I lost one of the most important people in my world, another one was given back. I had been so angry with him, I had forgotten anything good that had happened between us. His unwavering support during this week was nothing short of a miracle. I continued to watch the monitors in the terminal, waiting to see when we would be cleared for take-off. Another nasty storm was coming in from the west, which had screwed up the flight patterns.

  More than two hours had passed since he dropped me off, kissing me so hard my lips were still swollen. I grazed my thumb across the tender spots along the bottom, knowing all too soon, they would be gone. I shook my head from trying to comprehend everything that happened since the short time I had arrived; it was more than I could handle. Just then, the black bar started to flash on the screen next to the gate.

  “Cancelled, I knew it.” I blew out a deep breath and grabbed my bag. Since I had checked the other, it would be waiting for the next flight. I knew that all the other flights were not far behind, and I debated whether or not to call Connor and tell him; perhaps he was watching the status updates or the news. I headed straight for the rental counter before they made the announcement. Using my phone to hold a reservation, it was waiting for me when I arrived. He didn’t live terribly far from the airport; I would have enough time before the snow really started to fly. I pulled out from the parking lot, glowing in the thought of snuggling in front of a fire, drinking wine and getting my brains screwed out until dawn.

  With some careful maneuvering on the slick spots, I arrived just after dark. I could see the first round of large white flakes floating peacefully to the ground, dusting the roads like powdered sugar. I closed my eyes to catch a few on my tongue as the street lights gave the avenue an ethereal glow. He told me the bottom door was rarely locked before he went to sleep, which would make the surprise that much better.

  I checked my hair and makeup before stepping out of the rental SUV. I don’t know why I cared; it would be smeared on his sheets in a few minutes. I stopped and blushed at my inner thoughts; life without sex has a tendency to do that to people. Taking a quick moment to compose myself, I walked slowly up the flight of stairs, so I did not make too much noise. The old wooden steps were terribly creaky and would be a dead giveaway. I began to hear music the closer I got – something mellow with banjos and guitars.

  My knuckles were about to rap on the door when I heard it. It was the distinct sound of a woman squealing in pleasure, as if being chased or tickled. I tried to stop my heart from ripping out of my chest, drawing upon the ridiculous pep talks I used to keep me from completely freaking out. I placed my palm against the door to give my forehead a second to rest and compile my emotions.

  Was there any benefit of the doubt in my mind? I would not walk away from here without knowing what was behind that door. Could the son of a bitch really do this to me twice? I felt the cracks in my soul start to widen each time I knocked on the slab of polished walnut. A moment later, I heard the metal chain on the lock slide and the door separate from the frame. She didn’t see the horror on my face once I recognized who she was. It was Kinzey, or Reese, should I say…

  The smile she held so brightly vanished once she laid eyes on me. “Starla,” she said quietly.

  Right after she spoke, I watched a hand reach around her waist, stroking her stomach playfully as his mouth nuzzled her neck with gentle nips. She squirmed to get away from him.

  “What’s wrong, baby? Who is it?”

  Finally looking up himself to see who had interrupted them, he rapidly peeled away from Reese as if she were kryptonite. I turned in one swift motion back towards the stairs. Connor leaped out of the entryway to stop me. Stepping in front of me, he used his body and arms to keep me from walking any further. I could hear the panicked sounds coming out of Reese who was still standing by the door.

  “Violet, wait, don’t leave,” he growled.

  My head was still lowered, looking at the floor beneath me. The venom was diffusing back into my blood stream, starting once again with my tongue.

  “I am not really into three-ways, so I think I’ll pass.”

  The cold air in the hallway had grown thick with tension. The claustrophobic feeling was starting to surround me like a glove. I heard footsteps behind me as Reese started to make her way past us.

  I replied sinisterly, “See you took my advice, sweetheart.” Connor refused to look at her as she passed shamefully with her belongings overflowing in her hands.

  “Aren’t you worried about her? Don’t you want to make sure she doesn’t get hurt?”

  His jaw could cut diamonds with how sharp he held it into place. His nostrils flared with anger, his breathing labored. “Why are you here?”

  Look
ing at him with disdain, more poison kept flowing. “Why do you keep asking me that? Did you ever think it was because I wanted to be? It doesn’t matter. I am leaving, so move.” I pushed on his iron chest that remained immobile. “Let me go, Connor!”

  With an instant reflex, he grabbed my wrist tightly. “No! Violet, damn it, a storm is coming. You need to stay here until it passes. And don’t leave like this; it’s not what you think.”

  I snorted in disgust; this was unbelievable.

  “How fucking stupid do you really think I am? I have eyes, you know, and ears. I am pretty sure I interrupted your little plans tonight.”

  Slamming his free fist against the wall, the anger caused every vein in his neck to bulge. Plaster fell from the dent he made as blood started to pour from his knuckles. “Frankie asked me to spend some time with her okay? I wasn’t going to sleep with her. Seems after she won, she was gun shy about taking the job. He thought I could persuade her to think about it.”

  My face went aghast; the truth cut me deeper than a lie. He became frightened when he saw the way my features contorted.

  “V, talk to me…” I kept backing up slowly, my mind reeling from what it was piecing together.

  “Oh my God, I was so stupid. How did I not know? How the fuck did I not know?” I felt my body start to tremble violently. Connor was looking at me as if I was a ticking time bomb.

  “I asked Frankie for a ticket to the illusion; he asked me to be a part of the show. I thought he just meant a dance.” I kept mumbling while heading towards the flight of stairs. He walked behind me cautiously.

  “Violet, what are you talking about?”

  I stopped briefly to look up at him. “You were a part of it; none of it was real, It was just a show…it wasn’t real…it wasn’t real…it was just…it was...”

  My head moved slowly side to side in disbelief as the shock started to set in. Connor started to visibly panic. He grabbed my shoulders and started to shake them, “Violet, Violet, baby don’t do this, don’t go there, come back to me, fuck, please, please!”

  I could tell he was pleading loudly, but all I heard was the rushing noise of my heart beating in my head. Hot tears ran down my cheeks, gliding off my chin onto my shirt. I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes before looking back at him.

  “I envy you, Connor; you shut it off so easily.”

  As soon as the words left my lips, the sword of fate came swiftly down upon the cord that bound us together. A flash of despair burst in his eyes the same moment the light left mine. Before I touched the rail leading down the stairwell, we both knew I was gone.

  Chapter 27 - Leveled

  In less than an hour, over three inches of snow had covered the ground. Trucks struggled to plow and salt faster than the speed it was coming down. Following closely behind one of them, I only made it about a mile and a half away from Connor’s apartment before sliding into a hotel parking lot. Fortunately for me, this was the off season and rooms were plentiful. I had a change of clothes and my cell phone charger. The desk attendant provided me with a chintzy tooth brush and dusty toothpaste tube.

  I was located within walking distance of a convenience store where I picked up a few bottles of wine and packs of crackers, not in the least bit interested in food. The room was spacious with a double-sided glass fireplace and massive soaking tub. The windows faced the foothills, giving a panoramic view of the canyon dotted with pine trees. Thinking for a moment that Connor would have followed me, his Jeep never once came across my rear view mirror. My phone started to vibrate on the wooden night stand; it was Alessa.

  “Shit!” I had forgotten to call her to tell her my flight was canceled.

  “Hey Lees…” My voice cracked as though I were sick, I really was thinking about it.

  “It’s a good thing I put your flight on alert or my very unhappy ass would be sitting in the lot waiting for you.” She sounded slightly annoyed until I did not respond. “Violet, are you there?”

  I exhaled deeply attempting to hold back the tears; I had to get it out before I completely lost my mind. “I think so…”

  With the concern rising in her voice, she shouted so loudly, I had to pull my phone away from my ear. “What’s wrong?”

  A few sobs trickled out of my chest before the scream behind it came driving out.

  “I fucked up! It was an act – all of it. Connor, the son of a bitch, I’m so stupid!”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Violet, what are you talking about?”

  I was rapidly growing angry as the scenario replayed in my head. “He had her there – the fucking girl. He told me he was doing Frankie a favor and that he wasn’t going to sleep with her!”

  Alessa cut me off in the middle of the rant.

  “Frankie? What girl? Vy, you are not making any sense. Deep breath, whoooooo…start from the beginning.”

  The ground was falling out beneath my feet. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out… “Lees, there’s a lot you don’t know about me. I will tell you everything, but you have to swear to me that it never goes beyond this call. Swear to me.”

  “Violet, how long have you known me? When have I ever broken your trust?”

  She was right; the five years we had worked together, not once had she ever let me down. I realized how lucky I was to have someone like her.

  “You better sit down; this is going to take a little while.”

  ***

  “Shut the front door, you are not serious. Holy shit, you are! I knew you were a freak; I wouldn’t like you as much as I do if you weren’t. I will pay you lots of money to take off your clothes again. Hell, I’ll put a dollar in your garter with my teeth if you want.”

  Two hours into the conversation, she was finally able to get me to laugh. I was working on my second bottle, feeling my nerves unravel enough to sit down and not pace back and forth.

  “Violet, you will be here tomorrow. I will pick you up; you’re staying with me, alright? I think we need to make an appointment for you to see someone, though. Don’t tell them about the club and stuff, but you might need a little something to get you through this. As much as I love drinking, I can’t let you go down that road; it’s bad for your skin.”

  Giggling at the last comment through the tears, I knew how self-destructive I could be. “Thanks Lees, you’re the best.”

  Her voice was quieter now, confident I would be stable enough to get back on a plane in a few hours. “Get some sleep; it looks like there is an afternoon flight. It will get you back in before eight. Okay?”

  “Yeah, see ya.”

  Ending the call, I started to yawn; sleep sounded good right now. I turned on the gas fireplace and crawled underneath the thick down comforter. Hugging a pillow close to my body, my eyes followed the dancing flames. The fan above it kicked on, blowing the warmth across my skin. Turning my head to look out the window, I saw that the snow had stopped; the storm was passing as quickly as it came through. I got up and placed my palm on the cold window, blowing on the glass to create an opaque surface. My index finger slowly traced the words my heart felt.

  “Good-bye.”

  Within moments, the heat in the room evaporated the temporary message, clearing my view back out into sleeping world. I could only hope it would be that swift and easy. My phone started to vibrate again; it was past midnight, yet with the time change, it could be been anyone. Thinking it might be my dad, I walked over to answer it. I touched the screen to see a number I did not recognize. It was local, but I still did not answer it, allowing it go to voicemail. My heart started to race; could it be Connor? If it is, why was he waiting until now to call me? Feeling myself beginning to wind up again, I listened to the message. He sounded rough,

  “Violet, please, this is Connor. Pick up, I need to know you’re alive. I don’t know where you are and I am afraid something’s happened. I don’t know what to do. I just want to know you’re okay.”

  My phone felt like a lead weight in my hand. Alessa just spent over two hours talking me do
wn, and a thirty second message snapped me right back to the edge. I couldn’t wrap my head around someone being so incredibly cold hearted. The fragment within that still believed he was the same Connor who danced with me under the stars was crumbling to pieces. I picked up the phone and stared at the number, debating on whether or not to even respond. Granted, his actions were inexcusable. I couldn’t fathom thinking something I did caused someone else to put themselves in harm’s way.

  I replied in a text, “I’m not in a ditch; you can go back to your life now.”

  A few seconds later buzzed another text.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m safe.”

  “Not what I asked.”

  “Well, it’s all you’re getting.”

  “Please pick up!”

  “No, there’s nothing to talk about. I’m okay – now leave me alone, good-bye.”

  His number flashed on my screen again. I knew this was going to go on all night. I hit decline, then turned off my phone. Curling up on the bed, I felt like a knife was slicing through my gut, bleeding out the very life within me. The last time I felt this awful, I was bandaged up in a hospital, knowing I was about to abandon Shepard. A new wave of agony ripped through my being. This was why I don’t let anyone in. I called down to the reception desk and canceled my early wake-up call and requested a late check-out.

  Unable to relax again, I poured a bath and submerged myself in the steaming water. I tilted my head back, placing my ears just under the surface. The familiar beat thrummed loudly in my head, reminding me I was still alive. My heart might be broken, but it continued to fight. I closed my eyes, feeling utterly leveled to the ground, crying out to God, and pleading for mercy. I wept to the point of exhaustion; sufficiently emptied, I got out of the water, washing the last of my tears down the drain.

  The next morning, I wanted to avoid the mirror at all cost, knowing the moment I gazed at my reflection, I could not deny what had become of me. Surely enough, sallow eyes and parched skin gave covering to this ghost of a girl. Burgundy stained the sticky coating along my gum line and parts of dried lip flakes. I recognized this creature. It would often visit me at the bottom of the pit, which meant only one thing: this really was bottom.