Distractions

by JL Brooks

  He reached over to pull me closer, but I reflexively stepped back. Stepping forward towards me again, he gently grabbed my arm. “Violet, who did this to you?”

  I kept stepping backwards, shaking my head and beginning to mumble incoherently. This is not a place I wanted to revisit. Not now, not ever.

  “Violet, please tell me!”

  I knew now that it had started he was not going to let it go. Reaching my hands into my hair, grabbing fistfuls, I quietly said the name I cursed on a daily basis, “Connor.”

  “What do you mean ‘Connor’ – your ex? That was…you saw him when your grandma died.” His voice conveyed that he was starting to understand. He was one of the few people who knew what happened before, and the fact I even allowed that door to open made me deplorable. “That’s why you won’t let me touch you, because of him.”

  I nodded slowly to confirm his speculations. “I wasn’t able to save the ranch. I went out drinking just after she died, but before the funeral. Connor got the call that I was messed up and needed to be taken care of. He showed up and we got in a huge fight. I got even drunker and blacked out. The next day we got into an even bigger fight; I thought I broke his nose. But we also talked and settled some dust. He bought the ranch under special conditions. I stipulated that I have a year to come up with the money to buy it back, or else it’s his outright. He can’t sell it for a year without Vivienne’s signature.

  I really thought he changed. Twelve years is a long time for someone to grow up. So, I let my guard down and let him in again. My flight home got cancelled and I went to his apartment to surprise him just hours after I left. I knocked on the door and an eighteen- year-old girl answered it, with Connor snaked around her waist. He tried telling me it wasn’t what it looked like. I can’t stand being deceived. So, maybe now you can understand why I am a little gun shy when it comes to revisiting the past.”

  We stood next to each other, watching the sunset over the mountains. I knew I just gave him a lot of information to process, but after tomorrow our paths may never cross again. I was being realistic; he needed to know why I was being so guarded.

  “Violet, I am sorry…”

  “Don’t be. I’m the one with issues, remember?”

  “No, about this.”

  “What about it?”

  “You were right, I set this up.”

  A nauseous feeling started to weigh in my gut. What I just sent out was about to boomerang back into my face, I could feel it. “What do you mean you ‘set this up’?”

  “This week…I knew you would be at the airport, on that plane. I knew the meeting would be cancelled…I work for Balashov.”

  I had to grip the railing to keep from passing out. The world was spinning so quickly, I couldn’t grasp my bearings. I sunk to my knees and started to breathe. “Why would you do that, Shepard?”

  As he leaned next to me, I flinched away from him, suddenly afraid. I could see the hurt in his eyes, but I kept backing up the closer he got to me.

  “I’ve waited so long to see you again; the opportunity to spend a week with you alone was too good to pass up. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just had to get you away to know the truth.”

  “The truth about what?” I felt myself starting to have a panic attack. I grabbed the railing as my knees began to buckle, trying to breathe deeply, but unable to due to the thin air.

  He slowly moved closer, and gradually, I stopped scooting away. He began to talk me down the only way he knew how – by giving me an out.

  “The truth about us, that’s all. Come on, I will take you back to the hotel and drop you off in the morning so you can be on your way. It’s up to you if you want to still meet with Balashov, but don’t feel obligated. For all it’s worth, I wouldn’t have traded this week for the world.”

  His strong arm pulled me up to a standing position and guided me back to the tram. I kept my face lowered to hide how puffy my eyes were. I mentally and physically felt like I was descending along with the tram. In less than twenty-four hours, this God forsaken nightmare would be over. We drove back without saying a word and crawled into bed, still not speaking. I didn’t take off my clothes, and for the first time, fell into the void without a struggle. I could feel Shepard trying to pull me out of the nightmares, but I couldn’t fully wake up.

  When I finally stirred in the morning, I could tell he had not slept. Deep circles rested under his eyes with a sadness I had never seen before. The light in his eyes was gone; all that remained was a shell. I wasn’t hungry, so I took a shower and put on my suit and heels. I felt strange, leaving the hotel so dressed up, but it didn’t matter. I stopped in the parking lot for a moment, taking in the beauty one last time, grateful for such an amazing day. After snapping on the seatbelts, we both tilted our heads in the seat as we faced each other. I couldn’t stop my lip from quivering. He tried to smile and pretended to pull it off his face and hand it to me, but I shook my head back and forth.

  “Keep your smile, you deserve it.”

  Shepard bit his lip to stop what was coming up from inside of him. The veins in his eyes thickened, making them red and glassy. His hand went up to gently thumb away the tears that were falling down my face.

  With a cracked voice he made his request, “Please don’t leave me again, Violet.”

  Chapter 37 - The Rabbit Hole

  The secretary guided me about halfway into the small office that looked east towards the Alps. I turned around one last time to see Shepard looking at me with both fear and horror at the door that was about to separate us. Once again, he had to suffer through a situation in which he had no control, yet he would deem it to be his own fault. I wanted to believe that he had been stronger than I had been and moved on…that he had found a lovely woman and had beautiful children…that he was happy. The man I was walking away from was far from that.

  I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run into his arms and run away, to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for everything. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Becoming distracted by the dust particles that floated in the sunlight, falling slowly around me, I wished they were snowflakes like the ones at Fountain Square back in Cincinnati, when Shepard and I danced to a tune he hummed softly in my ear. I closed my eyes and wandered to that place.

  The door clicked shut, bringing me back to the present.

  “Hello, Ms. Phillips.” The chair turned slowly around, putting me face to face with the man who brought me halfway across the world.

  “It’s Doctor Phillips.” My voice was curter than I intended.

  “Of course, I was there when you graduated. How I wish I could have come to congratulate you myself, but you understand. Please be seated.”

  I sat reluctantly in the stiff leather chair. Folding my arms tightly across my chest, I was suddenly freezing. He reached down into his bottom drawer and removed a tall bottle full of amber hued liquid, then two old cream-colored coffee mugs. My teeth felt as though they would crack under the pressure of grinding them so tightly.

  With a single look he knew I was falling apart and would shatter with one false move. He remained quiet as he poured into the mugs and scooted one towards me. “Drink this so we can talk. I can’t afford to have you as wound up as you are right now.”

  Knocking back the harsh spirit quickly, I scooted my cup back for more. Without hesitation, he poured me two fingers worth, then set the bottle next to me. I didn’t have to see the label to know what it was. It was the same bottle I had purchased nearly seven years ago. Back then, Jack and I had been asked to search the lab for anything that was missing; it was not lost on me that these very items had vanished. I knew this day would come.

  “Violet, before I start, I have one question for you. If I told you what you were going to have to go through, would you have done it?”

  He knew the answer. Who in their right mind would purposely endure suffering in order to save so many? If I knew what this would have cost me, there was no way in hell I would h
ave done it.

  “Why me?” The question came out low through clenched teeth. I wanted to scream and lash out angrily, but remained unable to move. The tendons in my body threatened to snap at any moment; the liquor wasn’t kicking in fast enough.

  “Violet, you were the only one...I knew who you were before I found you. Trials either make people stronger or tear them apart. For everything that has happened to you, you still manage to love. I believed in you, and I still do. I know you think I left you, but I have always been there, even though you couldn’t see me. I have sent people to watch over you. Unfortunately, things happened that were beyond my control.”

  My eyes felt like acid was poured onto them, the heat searing from behind. The last of my chains were being broken off as I faced this painful truth about my life. He took the mug out of my shaking hand and placed it on the desk before pulling me into his arms.

  I stifled the wailing so as to not frighten anyone in the office. My sorrow came out in deep heavy breaths. I could feel the Doc tremble as he held me tightly, the stormy seas of emotion sweeping through the room.

  “It’s almost over, Violet. Hold on, don’t let go. You’re almost there. I am here now; you are not alone anymore.”

  His hushed voice washed over me, silencing the madness that loneliness created.

  “Violet, he doesn’t know.”

  Shepard.

  Looking up at him confused, I was still too shaken to understand. “Doc, he works for you, how does he not know?”

  “He knows me as Balashov. He believes he has been tasked with recruiting you to work for me. That’s why you’re here, remember?” Laughing lightly before continuing, he knew my neural processes were not working effectively at the moment.

  “It’s a beautiful day; we need to walk, and you need some air. Let’s go down to the river for a while. Go into the washroom and get cleaned up, so as to not distress the poor man. I will tell him I wish to take you around Bern, and will return in a while. He will be pleased by this. Remember, he is my employee, not my friend. He knows nothing – do you understand?”

  Nodding in agreement, I went through the motions of what was taking place. The small lavatory in his office was nothing more than a toilet and small sink. My reflection was once again a stranger, yet not one I feared. The woman staring back at me was someone I always hoped existed. She was strong, resilient, and loved. For the first time in a while my heart held the seed of something long forgotten. Hope. Hope for a future, and a life. Hope to truly be loved and love equally in return. Hope that the past six years of hell had been worth it.

  Shepard was standing in the seating area outside of the office, talking to the Doc, buoyant at the news he was receiving. He was getting the same thing I was: hope. His eyes sparkled as they took me in.

  “Shall we?” The Doc raised his elbow for me to loop through.

  With a smile, I gently grasped the crook of his arm and started to walk towards the elevator, then stopped when I heard Shepard call after me.

  “I’m right here Violet.”

  Giving a nod, I turned and continued on. I caught the slight grin of the Doc as we stepped in. Before the doors closed, Shepard looked at me, silently pleading me to say yes to what I was being offered. The Doc patted my arm in reassurance as we started to descend.

  “Is he as strong as me?” I quietly asked. I could only pray for his sake he was. The thought of destroying such a beautiful soul pierced my very being.

  “He’s stronger than you know, Violet. Why do you think I chose him?”

  He chose him.

  An Audi SUV waited to take us to the Old City of Bern. We stopped in front of the Church of the Holy Ghost and meandered on foot down the street past Albert Einstein’s home and the Samson Fountain.

  The city was truly breathtaking. If I were ever to disappear, surely it would be a place like this. My hand remained affectionately looped through the Doc’s elbow as I took everything in. Neither of us had any place to be at the moment other than here. I had so many questions, unsure of where to start. He knew I was struggling to grasp reality, so he began with what he knew to be my most pressing question.

  Shepard.

  “How did he become a part of all of this? How did you find him?”

  He started to chuckle at my first inquiry, peering at me in disbelief not at the question, but at the circumstances.

  “Of course, Violet we should start there, since that is close to the beginning. I took an interest in him when you started to mention him frequently. I did my homework on the chap and realized he was valuable. He was smart, driven, and most of all, would have no qualms leaving the life he had in pursuit of something bigger.”

  “Is that why you chose me?” I felt my brows scrunch together in thought.

  “Partly, but now back to Shepard. I knew if he cared for you, he would come to your aid. You wouldn’t be alone.”

  The light bulb clicked. He saw me starting to put the pieces together and continued speaking.

  “I could not have predicted what happened with his father. The only thing I could do was send help to intervene on both your behalves.”

  A soft wind started to blow, bringing the delicate scent of the water to my nostrils. The sun warmed my face, as if it were illuminating the shadows of my understanding.

  “Dr. Thomas,” I replied.

  Our pace had slowed considerably once we reached the river. Deep shades of turquoise green snaked through the tan buildings with terracotta tiled roofs. Lush green trees dotted the hillside before us as large colorful flags decorated the streets all around.

  “Yes, Dr. Thomas. While you were in recovery, she told me the first thing you said was Shepard’s name. He was forbidden to see you. She saw him sitting in the waiting room, only leaving to use the facilities or get some water. Your sister, Vivienne, was the only one to show him any kindness.”

  I couldn’t help but begin to cry again. I knew this, she told me not long ago. Just like he waited then, he was waiting now. Once again, I was going to leave him. Doc held the small of my back and led me to a small bench on the side of the riverbank. He handed me a crisp white handkerchief that made me laugh.

  “People still carry these?” I smiled as I gently blotted my wet face.

  “One never knows when it will come in handy.” With a weighted hand, he placed it between my shoulder blades.

  “May I continue?” he asked

  I simply nodded and continued to blot.

  “In the early hours of the morning, Claira took Shepard back to see you. She made sure you were thoroughly sedated to prevent risk of you waking and becoming upset. She let him come and say good-bye. She knew you would leave, because I sent her to get you. Shepard has known for some time where you were because of me. Because of Claira, I was able to keep both of you under my wing.”

  Each piece snapped into place with a loud crash. My hands covered my mouth and I closed my eyes as I felt shock come over me. He knew where I was.

  “The possibility of one day being with you has kept Shepard going all of this time. If he knew what I was having you do, he would have intervened and perhaps gotten both of you killed. I have withheld the truth from him just as I have from you, to keep you safe. When I received notice from Beacon about your family and what you were doing in the lab, I knew I had to move quickly.”

  “Not Alessa.”

  His face darkened at his admission, then widened as my body started to jerk violently. The panic had finally seized every nerve in my body. I was subconsciously holding my breath for so long that the world went sideways before going dark.

  Chapter 38 - Wonderland

  I started to rouse in the back of the Audi as I heard the sound of doors open then slam shut. The noise of aircraft all around pierced through the confusion. Upon realizing that I had awoken, Doc opened my door and began to unsnap my seat belt.

  “We have to go now, Violet” His voice was filled with urgency and authority.

  My arms and legs felt like l
ead weights as if I were drugged. I must have been drooling because he took a new handkerchief to my mouth and gently dabbed the corner. Throwing one of my arms around his shoulder, he gently lifted me out of the car and headed towards the small jet that was being prepared for take-off. As he slowly walked up the small stairway, he once again repeated the same words that started this nightmare.

  “What I am about to do is going to frighten you, but I need you to trust me.”

  All I could do was remain limp in his arms like a mere rag doll being carried by a child. Even if I wanted to fight, there was nothing left in me to do so. I was passed to a large man at the top of the stairs, gently carried to a seat, and strapped in. My head slumped over to the side, only able to observe the shadows of people as they came on to the plane.

  First I saw Doc, and then behind him was Dr. Thomas, Alessa, and Mr. Gladstone.

  What the hell was going on? Small whimpers started to escape my throat; whatever was given to me must have started to wear off. They stared at me with pity and concern while talking amongst themselves. The Doc got a call from the pilot and walked towards the cockpit. A few minutes later, he returned and addressed the others.

  “He’s here.”

  Who’s here? I thought to myself, still unable to speak or move. Even opening my eyes took every bit of concentration.

  The shadows were cast into the plane before the body entered. Another large man entered dressed in jeans and a grey thermal shirt with combat boots, followed by the man who carried me aboard, then one more.

  Shepard.

  No! This was not happening, this was not real!

  Once his eyes locked onto mine, he went to lunge after me, but was restrained by the muscular gentleman who carried me aboard. Voices became loud as Doc frantically worked to keep him calm.

  “I warned you about this, Shepard. You need to keep it together or there will be severe consequences, do you understand? You have no idea what she’s been through; she needs to rest.” Claira came over to me and smiled sweetly. Tilting my seat back so I was lying in a more reclined position, she looked at the man and told him to let Shepard go. Motioning him to come near to her, she lightly grasped his hand.