by Carla Hanna
Manuel and I kissed and hugged before we separated to find our places in the alphabetically ordered procession. Mitch was up front. He would be giving the Valedictorian’s speech and would be seated on the stage. I searched for my family during the procession and waved wildly to them when I saw where they were seated. I listened to the speakers, but mostly read the printed program and envied the huge number of individuals listed with asterisks next to their names, symbolizing their accomplishment of graduating with honors or high honors. It was many more than I had possibly imagined, close to half the class. I was sad that I did not have an asterisk next to my name until it dawned on me that, instead, I had an Oscar for Best Actress. I chuckled to myself at the absurdity.
I raised my head when I heard Mitch’s voice. He looked calm, handsome, confident and imperious, but more like a politician than a preacher. I had a glimpse of his future. Damn, this guy was going to law school and will be the President of the United States someday. I missed the introduction and started listening:
“…You always make choices. You come to a crossroads, you make a choice. You order a burger—supersize it, you make a choice. Most choices are easy, based on what you want. Some choices are more difficult, mostly because you don’t know what you want, you haven’t thought it through or didn’t know that you needed to think it through.
I’m your valedictorian not because I’m smarter than you, but because I knew what I wanted when I was in eighth grade and I chose the classes that would put me on the path that would get me what I wanted. I had stability in my life so I could stick to my path. I was lucky. But what would have happened if my wants had changed? What if something happened in my life that altered my course? Could I have changed course? Could I have been flexible? Would I be before you today?”
I stopped listening. It was impossible not to reflect on Mitch’s choices. He started high school knowing how to maximize his GPA so he could get into a top university. His family gave him the stability to achieve his goal. His mom planned his schedule. Where would he be now if he had leukemia, if his parents had divorced, if he had burned out? What if he liked doing drugs or was a player? Mitch was very smart but also understood that he was lucky. Unlike me, he was not sitting around feeling sorry for himself that his parent made many of the choices for him to try to get him a good career. He was not bitter. He embraced his future.
We all had to make decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions. Our attitudes influenced how we perceived the situations, as opportunities or threats. It was about context and perception. We have to do only a few things. We choose to do all others. What we want to do motivates our choices. His parents had been together for twenty-five years, since they dated in high school. They wanted to live a happy life together so they chose to do so, even though it was not easy at times. They did not have a marriage of bliss, certainly, but one of unity. Mitch often complained that the Santa Monica culture focused on short-term wants that drove people’s impulsive actions, resulting in unfortunate consequences. If people just exerted some energy to control their desires and thought through the consequences of their actions, there would be more happy marriages—or a lot fewer marriages in the first place.
Sometimes we have good intentions and think through the long-term consequences, but our lives still get messed up.
I sat there with thoughts whirling around in my head. I started high school as a child actor. My career soared, I had already made twenty-five movies, starred in seven, been nominated for two Oscars. I won for Best Actress in a Leading Role. I won tons of industry awards as well. I already achieved what every actor wanted to achieve. I didn’t really go to Samohi. I didn’t know most of the people sitting around me. Mom made me become an actor. Dad made me become a high school student even though I already had my GED. Of course I didn’t choose my path. I was just a kid. So who cares about my agency in the past? I needed to choose what I wanted for myself in my future. How did I want to enrich my life and the lives of others around me?
I needed to embrace my life, quit the whining, and understand my strengths. I was a good actor but, more so, I was a product with power.
I was not the fly in the spider’s web. I was the web and the spider and the fly and the force keeping the web strong and in place.
I prayed silently, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
I knew that my future involved being an actor. I had not achieved everything I could achieve as an actor. I was at the beginning of my capabilities. I could do some really important work, change lives, and move people to action. I could improve my life and the lives of others. I was in control now with all my work running through Marie Michael Productions. I was my own boss. I was in a good situation to work on my own terms and gain weight. Thank God I didn’t renew my contracts. I now had the freedom to be a reclusive, talented actor. Cool.
Lost in thought, the student next to me nudged me to get up. We were getting in line to get our diplomas.
I could marry Manuel, have kids, and work in the area. He could go to school, do both his undergrad and graduate studies at UCLA or USC close by. We’d have a perfect life.
I walked back to my seat with my diploma with a smile on my face and the courage to embrace my uncertain future with Manuel and my career.
~ MY EDUCATION ~
My graduation party was at my favorite restaurant on Wilshire Boulevard. The restaurant was small, so I rented it out for the evening. I invited my family, Manuel’s family, Beth’s family, Richard’s family, Ira since Alan was with his mom for a celebration dinner, Franz, Evan and Renee, Attila, Elise and Sage. It was an intimate celebration.
We all had a great time. We laughed as Ira told his ridiculous stories. We acknowledged Manuel’s achievements. We teased Liz and Carlos, wondered how on earth they raised Manuel, such a smart and wholesome guy. We praised Beth for her academic and athletic accomplishments. Mom, Renee, and Evan welcomed Beth’s mom into our elite club. I welcomed Beth into my world, too. They all praised me for becoming a strong woman and challenging myself at such a young age to make tough choices.
I saw Ira talk to the restaurant owner and noticed that the wait staff disappeared. I knew it was performance time.
Richard added a toast. “Marie, you’re an outstanding professional actor and are wise well beyond your years. Your portrayal of Muse has overwhelmed the world, and we are all being paid quite handsomely for it.”
Everyone laughed and raised their glasses. Richard gestured that he wanted to say more.
“In addition to your SAG award, Oscar for Best Actress, and People’s Choice Favorite Movie Actress and Favorite Star Under 25, I’m also happy to announce that Jefferson’s Muse is nominated for both MTV’s and Teen Choice Best movie, Best Female Performer, and Best Kiss.”
Everyone clapped. He continued, “Won’t that be your third year in a row for Best Kiss, Marie?”
I nodded and winked at Evan. Everyone laughed, except Manuel.
Richard raised his glass. “Well done, Marie. Thank you so much for your hard work and excellence. To our next Guinevere!”
“Guinevere?” I questioned, confused.
“The audience and critics like triangles. They loved Muse as an American Indian slave, Thomas Jefferson, and an African American slave—the tension, the possibilities. But we’re going Caucasian next time. So we decided to do Camelot’s Muse as Guinevere, King Arthur and Lancelot—another blockbuster, certainly! Pocahontas and Cleopatra will be perfect for our first TV episodes.” He hoped.
Ugh. Heavy costuming. Cleavage. Lots of makeup to make me pale. Two co-stars again. The kissing. I had Manuel now. It would be different. I had rules to follow now. Rules would make it easier. But would Manuel be able to handle it? Oh, I was the boss, now. I could insist on Evan as Lancelot and sweet Blake for King Arthur. I grinned at Evan. He winked in return. Cool. TV episodes? I hoped not.
“Th
ank you, Richard. But the credit all goes to the director.” I smiled.
Now it was my turn to speak. This was how it went at a celebration. I must now thank everyone who created me and were here to celebrate my accomplishments and their contribution to my success. I must now thank the people who loved me, who would now have to stand by my side helplessly as I suffered through brain surgery and uncertainty. What could I say that would not sound bitter? What could I say that expressed the love I felt for everyone, including the spiders?
“Thank you all for coming and supporting me. It means a lot to me,” I smiled and paused, not knowing where to begin.
“A lot has changed since January. I think I should share with you all what has transpired because there’ll be a lot of gossip and questions coming out. You are family, I love you all, so you should know.”
Mom, Ira and Richard all glanced at each other, scared. This confirmed my suspicion. They all were in on it. I smiled at Mom to communicate that I would not be telling the whole truth.
I had a more important role in Hollywood than I had thought four long months ago. I thought I could quit acting, end the chaos that was my life, and embrace some modest life in Montana. In four quick months I learned that dream was impossible. My only fear then was that I would disappoint people and that Mom would be mad at me. Now that fear seemed immature.
The people who loved me shaped me into an actor and made their choices permanent by giving me x-nib. I became a product when they chose to create the “Muse” project, a product that may never grow old. I saw it in their faces. I knew that I would continue to produce until the audience tired of me. If I didn’t, I let down my family: Mom, Ira, and Richard. And I could handle acting now that I had Manuel, now that I had matured. I had grown up.
Now in May, I understood that life was much more complex than I thought it was in January.
I surveyed all the faces in the room. I nodded to Beth who I invited out of respect for Manuel. She sat next to Evan, a man I loved but couldn’t rely on. If I hadn’t taken x-nib, we would have still worked together and fallen in love. I would have shown him my love. We’d be dating. Manny would be dating Kate. Byron…I probably would have slept with Byron. Maybe not.
I acknowledged Renee and Elise, both women hardened by sin and empty promises. I regarded Franz, Sage and Attila, my trusted employees. I passed over my beautiful mother and her co-producers. I wondered how soon Mom would die from x-nib. I wondered what the hell my aunt was wearing. Then I smiled at Celia, Tom, Carlos and Liz, and Beth’s parents. I noticed how truly beautiful Beth’s mom was and felt sorry that she lived the consequence of believing in the industry’s empty promises.
My heart swelled when Manuel’s eyes met mine. I smiled and chuckled to myself thinking ‘it is what it is.’ I may have suffered, bad things certainly happened, but out of the bad I realized that I am more than my past mistakes or their disastrous decisions.
Then it hit me—hard. I was more than a product. God is here for the good and bad and brought me my guardian. God gave me both power to influence and change the Hollywood web.
I beheld Manuel again and spoke, “As you know, Manuel and I had a great time at prom and I’m very much in love with my boyfriend and hope to marry him soon. This time, there’s no pregnancy scare, just total love and my overwhelming fear that I’ll lose him.”
Everyone looked puzzled.
“I also terminated my existing contracts with my agent, lawyer, studio and publicist, so that’s why they’re not here. Please don’t worry. You all still have your jobs because I’ll continue to be Muse.”
“But Marie, you’re so incredibly talented,” Sage interrupted. I was surprised she didn’t know. If she didn’t know, then many there would not have known.
“Thanks. I know I’m good at acting and great with scripts. I know that I’m disappointing some of you, but I need to figure out how I want my acting career to proceed.”
Manuel and Dad smiled.
“There’s more. I have a tumor on my pituitary gland that is going to be removed next week. The tumor caused the gland to stop functioning as it should. I look so young because it stopped producing growth hormone. I’m pretty scared about the brain surgery but I’m more scared about what would happen if I don’t have the surgery. What I have is called hypopituitarism, and the headaches I’ve had were from the tumor. Hopefully, the doctor will remove it, and I’ll finally be able to grow up.”
I smiled and nodded to Mom to have her rescue me. I was done. My eyes watered but I did not lose it like I had the night before. I sat down and held Manuel’s hand while Mom started talking. She answered everyone’s questions.
I saw Evan look at his phone, surely Googling hypopituitarism. In the next moment, Evan darted out of his seat and embraced me.
I knew what he learned. I learned it, too. Neither one of us would ever participate in our own exploitation again. We would never cave to the changing whims of fans and social media. We would stay true-to-ourselves to protect our ‘self’ and never again live a lie to fill seats in theaters.
He whispered, “I’m sorry I thought like your mom.”
~ THE FILLY ~
At the end of the night, Manuel and I were snuggling into each other while we listened to Ira’s story about how he transitioned from producing music videos to owning a huge independent motion picture production studio. It was all about money. He got a big investment and went for it on Left to Die. His start was my start, and Mom’s re-start. I cursed that investment money.
“Hey kids, can we have a minute with you both?” Dad asked. Celia excused herself from a conversation and stepped to Dad’s side, holding his hand. She was smiling beautifully.
“We are so proud of both of you,” Celia praised. “Thank you Manuel for loving Lia. Your support and presence in her life has helped her be strong and to become a new woman. Lia, we are so proud of you and love to be witness to your positive transformation.”
Dad added, smiling, “I noticed that you both wear half of a heart that together you both make whole. You unite the guardian and the angel. We want you to know that we think that it’s very sweet and precious.”
Celia presented me with a jewelry box. “Lia, Tom wanted to add this to your half of the heart.”
I opened the box. They gave me a lovely pendant of a horse.
Dad explained, “The horse represents freedom of movement, safe running with sure footing, and ability to overcome adversity. Just as your tribe and the Flathead Nation has endured oppression, your spirits will guide you. Together with the strength from your Guardian Angel, you will get through this, my filly.”
Manuel took off my guardian necklace, added the filly to it, and clasped it back around my neck. I hugged him, Celia and Dad.
“Thanks for my tattooed heart, Manuel, and for my totem, Dad. I love you all.”
Confident I could find the inner strength to face whatever obstacles faced me or entangled me in the web, I accepted their support, saying quietly, “Thanks for loving every piece of me.”
~ buenos sueños ~
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I truly appreciate all those who helped me write the Starlet novels. In particular, I'd like to thank the following:
Those who have inspired me: Ben, Kaylin and Carson Hanna, my parents and family, Kay Kessel-Hanna, Marcia Stevens and Marcia Sherrill, Celia Shells, Jen Shen Chang, Traci Arnett, Grace Kimura, Attila Gogos, Lynne Kawakami Gogos, Mira Scott, Jenny Mitchell, and Christina Cheney.
Those who read and improved the drafts of my novels: Peg Beer, Valerie Waters, Deanna Rhee, Maddi Dullea, Beth Dullea, Taylor Williams, TraciLyn Clark, Jennifer McCullum, Brooke Montz, Terrie Hannum, Cheryl Sanders, Tiffany Wright, Marnie Rocklin, and Lisa Iveslatt.
Thank you to talented editor Martha Cargill and professional copyeditors: Kendall Slee and Grace Kimura Lambert. Thank you to Ricci and Taylor with Freebooksy for your guidance.
I also appreciate the inspiration from my interaction with A-list actors who w
ere kind to me and my kids when we lived in Santa Monica. They helped me create Liana Marie Michael, a sweet and smart fictional actress who I learned could be a very real product of Hollywood.
Designer bags from AnabellebyMarciaSherrill.com.
Brownies from Café Attila, San Ramon, CA.
Pretzel croissants from City Bakery.
Cover design by Maari Casey.
Liana Marie understands the web, but understanding herself has just begun
What happens next?
Read book two, Starlet’s Run
Book three: Starlet’s Light
www.carlahanna.com
Table of Contents
Starlet's Web (The Starlet Series, #1, Young Adult Romance)
Starlet's Web Title Page
Table of Contents
Starlet's Web copyright by Carla Hanna, 2nd edition
Dedication
1 THE UARY MONTHS
2 MARCH
3 APRIL
4 MAY
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
