by Carla Hanna
I carefully rolled to my back. I kissed him again and felt his warm skin with my hands, trying to bring him even closer to me. He was beautiful. We were beautiful together. I was completely in love. He moaned and then slowed. We relaxed into each other.
“Lia, you’re the sexiest girl alive, ya know. I absolutely love you.”
I opened my eyes and smiled at him with sheer joy. “I love you. That was…beautiful. Thanks for my tattoos, too.”
Making love with Manuel shattered my diamond gland and heart. I let love overwhelm me. I did not feel sinful. I felt awakened. I felt new.
~ AN ECLIPSE ~
I woke up in Manuel’s arms the happiest I had been since I could remember. It was Friday, the day before the graduation ceremony.
Mom chartered a jet and was picking up Dad and Celia from Palo Alto on her way home from Vancouver. Celia understood the context from which Mom made the horrendous decision and did not judge her harshly. Dad, on the other hand, was going to take the opportunity to have it out with her.
“Good morning, angel. I slept great, how about you?”
“Awesome. I love sleeping with you. It’s very comforting, very nice.” I kissed Manuel’s cheek and relaxed back into his chest. I asked, “So what are we going to do today? When does your mom want you home?”
“Well, I have to work at four. Sorry. I wish I could be with you all day and night. We should meet my mom for some coffee. My dad might be there too. Liz would really like to see you and have proof that she didn’t mess us up.”
He smiled at me and kissed my hand.
“Lia, you’re covered in blood!” He looked at my sleep shirt. We both looked at the sheets. There was blood everywhere. “What the hell?” He was out of the bed in an instant looking at me and at the sheets, completely frazzled.
“Are you in pain?” I asked. “There’s blood on your side and underwear. What did you cut?”
“I feel great. What did you cut?”
I was out of the bed, too. It was obvious that the blood came from me but I didn’t feel any pain. We both went to the bathroom. I felt funny walking and looked at my underwear. It was soaked with blood.
“Wow!” I squealed. “I got my period! I am going to be able to have kids! I’m so happy!”
Manuel busted out laughing. “Geez, Lia. I just had a heart attack.” He hugged me, shaking me from his laughter. “Congrats on getting your period. Now get in that shower. I’ll get everything in the washer.”
Manuel was not at all embarrassed or grossed out. He was used to doing his family’s laundry for a fourteen-year-old sister and a mom.
I removed my sleep shirt, wrapped it around my underwear and handed the bundle to him. He laughed and shook his head as he started cleaning up the bed.
While Manuel was in the shower, I texted Dr. Jack and told him I just started my cycle. He asked if I could come in at 10 am.
“Can we swing by Dr. Jack’s lab at 10? We should have enough time to see your family. Or I can also go by myself so you can spend some time with them. Whatever works for you.”
“Sure, Lia. But this is a celebration day. We’ve met many more milestones than we had intended in the last 24 hours, so we should meet my mom.” His smile was absolutely naughty.
“You’re so evil, such the seducer. You know that once I have my first Krispy Kreme there is no telling what I will do next. What would Elise do if I tell her I cheated? She’d give up on me for my utter lack of discipline.”
I had not eaten a donut in four years. I had a few pieces of cake, several croissants, a few brownies, pasta and pizza: all off-limit foods. But a donut, essentially an iced, fried cupcake, was beyond forbidden. Liz walks to Krispy Kreme every Friday morning. It’s her indulgence.
He started rushing. “Let’s go, it’s 8 am.” He explained, “She’ll just be getting there now.”
I wasn’t quite ready to go. I was so happy that I wanted to talk about something first. I stopped him at the garage door and held his hand. “Manuel, I want to get married.”
He smiled. “I’d love to get married.” He asked, “Did having the best night of your life and getting your period bring this on or do you want to grow old with me and can’t wait another minute to get started?”
I laughed and explained, “I have a ton of money, am in love with my soul mate, and want to have your babies. I can now. I don’t know how long I’m going to live so I want to start living.”
He kissed me. “I don’t think we should get pregnant right away but, yeah, let’s get married. That would be awesome. Let’s talk about it over lunch.”
I smiled, completely elated, and wrapped my arm around his waist as we left the house.
We took the Vespa. Carlos picked me up off the ground in a hug when he saw me, rattling off how proud he was of us in Spanish.
The donut was delicious; truly, truly amazing. I said so and they all laughed. I immediately planned on doing the Santa Monica stairs to the canyon that afternoon to burn the calories off from the donut.
“I like your new necklaces. You each have half of a heart. I’m so glad you two have finally become one heart. I love you both,” Liz stated. She was feeling overcome.
“Thanks, Liz. I love all of you, too. Thanks for being family to me for sixteen years.”
We all hugged each other. Manuel beamed and grinned continuously as he interacted with his family. A new energy radiated from him. He emitted joy.
Janet sat between Carlos and Manuel. She smiled. “It’s great that the sexual tension has left the building. That was getting to be too much!”
We all ignored Janet. This time, Liz didn’t say anything. She had learned.
I said, “Thanks, and no thanks, for the donut. I’m certain that I’m now addicted. I need to leave now to see my doctor. Is it okay if I borrow Manuel or did you need him before he goes to work?”
“Lord. Manny can do whatever. He’s more mature than I am. Are you feeling okay, Marie? Uncharacteristically, Manny has told us little but we know you’re very sick.”
“Mom, remember we are calling her “Lia” now.”
“I don’t care what you call me. Whatever name is fine. I’m really still both: Lia or Marie. I feel good, but I’ve run into some complications with my physical development. I’ll fill you all in when I know what exactly is going on.”
I was physically feeling really good. I was emotionally scared to death. I didn’t know what Manuel had told them but I hoped very little. If he followed the rules, he would have said nothing. But I wouldn’t blame him if he needed to talk about it with his parents.
Manuel smiled. “Lia and I want to get married. We’re gonna talk about it more at lunch and then I want to talk about it with you guys. Will you be home?”
Janet screeched, “What?! Manny, are you smoking crack? You don’t have to get married just because you had sex. You can be so bipolar!”
Carlos interrupted Janet, “¿Y a ti que te importa?”
Carlos put his hand on Manuel’s shoulder, “Claro, Manny. I took the day off to be with you.”
He and Liz gave each other a look that communicated apprehension. The smiles on both of their faces disappeared into tense lines.
We both already knew what they thought about us getting married.
He glanced at Manuel and then at me. “But first, please, let’s talk. Janet, we’ll come back inside and get you after.”
Manuel held my hand and walked me outside to the back parking lot. Carlos put his arm around Liz and leaned against the brick building. He smiled at her. She raised her eyebrows and sighed.
Carlos started, “You know each other. You know what’s inside, see each other’s souls. You are on different tracks that seem like different worlds. They are. Manny is a high school student. He works, hangs out with his friends, studies. He comes home to a mom and dad and sister, a family. Manny, you’re not lonely. You have no one relying on you to perform. You don’t know what that feels like. Liana Marie is an actress. She works, maintai
ns her brand, travels. People fuss with her constantly. She comes home to an empty house. She texts you, Tom and Michelle. She’s a business. Hundreds of people feed their families because of her success.”
I responded, “We know that, right?”
Carlos shook his head. “Manny didn’t know who you were at your birthday party. It makes him insecure. Now you’re not well.” He squinted at Liz and touched her cheek. “We were there, too. I lost my true love, was too late when I figured it out, and thought about her every day. Liz accepted me, forgave me. I was lucky.”
Liz added, “Our worlds seemed incompatible. I thought he was a liar, traveling non-stop, calling me drunk from parties and telling me he loved me and missed me. It’s lonely to love a performer.”
“People were always around me, telling me what to do, what to wear, what to say. I’d see Liz between shows and, every time, the sparkle in her bright eyes and the power of her kiss struck me. I lost myself on tour. I had to quit.”
I knew all that. I didn’t party. I wouldn’t let Manuel down. Oh, I kissed Bryon and probably have a tumor.
Carlos continued, “But you kids are not us. Marie can’t quit. She will get into situations where your love will be tested. Manny must love the actress. She’s the same person in a different role. As your worlds come together, Manny will see new things and be tested, too.”
Manuel squeezed my hand.
I slouched, not knowing what to say.
Carlos smiled. “Please talk about it together. We understand and can help. So can Tom and Michelle. It’s not just about one person losing his innocence, catching up to the other. Don’t do this alone.”
Manuel and I nodded our heads to them awkwardly and left for the lab.
~ GROWTH ~
Dr. Jack looked like he hadn’t slept for days.
“Hi Jack. This is my boyfriend, Manuel. You met him the first day.”
“Thanks for not calling the police.”
“Yeah, that was over-the-top. I was so angry, so sad,” Manuel explained.
“I felt the same way. It’s nice to meet you. Please, sit down.”
Dr. Jack reviewed his notes, the lab results, and his computer. I noticed how very good-looking he was. There was something gorgeous about him mixed with the goofiness of an intellectual. He had both confidence and insecurity at the same time. He was not a macho forty-something-year-old like Carlos or Dad. He knew who he was, certainly, but didn’t know he was handsome. Perhaps he didn’t care.
He sat motionless with his jaw clenched, sizing up my emotional strength. After a long pause, he asked, “Would you like me to get right to the point? Should I talk to your dad first? Maybe get him on the speaker phone?”
I honestly answered, “Please tell me straight. I can handle it now.”
He inhaled. I imagined the sadness he expressed stemmed from having children of his own and not wanting to tell his son the news without being present to help him deal with it.
He explained, “So, you do have a large pituitary tumor, over one centimeter, a macroadenoma. I don’t know what kind of damage the tumor is causing, but your hormones are functioning again. Given that your menses resumed in less than just 2 months from when you stopped taking x-nib, I want to remove the tumor as soon as possible. I’m afraid that if we don’t remove it now, then it will cause permanent damage as your hormones continue to function.”
Manuel instantly shifted his weight. His eyes were intense. “Isn’t the pituitary gland in the middle of the brain and really small? How would you remove a tumor on it? It must be the size of what, a pea?” Manuel asked.
“We go in through the back of the inside of the nose and through the sphenoid bone. It’s called endoscopic transsphenoidal surgery and adenoma removal.” He wrote it down and slid the paper to us. “I would like to biopsy the tumor to make sure it’s benign. I’d like a neurosurgeon at Stanford Hospital to do the surgery, Dr. David Chang. I’d like to do it next week. I’m confident in the surgeon, but there are always risks. I want to act quickly because the autopsy of CSY2 showed severely damaged tissues of the pituitary gland. Right now, David knows that your tumor is large enough for a successful extraction without damaging the gland.”
I was not freaked out at all, finally. “Yeah, let’s get it out of my brain as soon as possible. Please send me info to read, to be prepared. Schedule everything for next week.”
“Okay. Tell your parents. I’ll email everything to you and your dad. I still see your mom on Sunday. I’ll discuss everything with her. Okay. I better get busy.”
Dr. Jack smiled and stood up to tell us the meeting was over. I shook his hand. I gently pulled Manuel off his chair. He obviously needed more convincing than I did.
“Thanks for taking care of me, Dr. Jack. Tell your son I said, ‘Hi and thanks. Thanks a lot for helping me through this.’ Your son is really nice.”
We left the lab in silence, holding hands. Manuel hugged me before we drove off on his scooter. It was nice not having to talk. He stopped on the way home at my favorite bakery.
He explained, “You deserve another treat today. I know you want to run the stairs because of the donut, but you should have a pretzel croissant given that you’re having your period and I know girls like treats when they are having their period. I still want to get married, but we should talk about it when you heal.”
“True. I want to eat forbidden foods and kiss you all the time. I don’t want to have to plan a wedding with brain surgery stress. Besides, I saw your parents’ expressions. They’re not going to support us getting married.”
“No, they’re not,” he agreed. “But we need to live, enjoy our time being together.”
I felt it, too. I wanted to live and felt that my days were numbered so I best enjoy them.
I added, “I love you. All the time, you know.”
“I do know that, thanks. I’m here for you through all of this, all of it. And I love you all the time, my best friend.” He asked, “Can I go to Stanford Hospital with you?”
“Thanks, yes. Sage will arrange the flights.”
He kissed my hand and wiped his eyes. We walked to the bakery.
“Is it okay if I talk to my parents about all this? I need their support.”
“Just not Janet. We need to keep this a secret, especially since my mom is involved. Keeping it a secret is too much responsibility to put on Janet.”
Manuel dropped me off when we got back to my house. It was just noon. I wanted to email CSY6 and research the surgery to extract the tumor. I had the feeling Manuel was going to do the same after he talked to his parents.
By the time I ran the stairs, I had consumed over 1,000 calories from one donut and one pretzel croissant. I worked out for one hour, only burning 400 calories but at least I burned some. Unfortunately, my lungs burned, too. I wasn’t feeling very well.
Mom, Dad and Celia were around the dining room table, sharing a bottle of chardonnay, when I returned from my run. Seeing Mom made me want to puke.
Celia was as warm as ever. Dad glared at Mom.
It was early evening and the colors in the canyon were beginning to change. They all hugged me. I swallowed the acid when Mom came close.
“I want to chat after my shower.” I asked, “Are we going out to dinner or can we all stay home? It’ll be a lovely sunset.”
“We can stay home,” Mom answered. “I’ll start something in the kitchen.”
I felt much better after my shower. I just wanted to get the announcement over with but I didn’t know how to start. “Do you mind if I have a glass of wine, too?” I asked Dad’s permission.
“Just one,” he answered while his eyes welled up.
Mom poured me a glass. Dad shot her piercing looks of hate. I probably did, too.
“One or none. That is what I live by, Dad.” I took a sip of wine and sat down.
“How was your day, Liana Marie?” Mom started calling me Liana Marie as a peace offering. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Well,
this was as good of a time as any. “Incredible, great, yummy, horrible, dreadful, great, good—in that order.” Mom, Celia and Dad looked at each other like I was an immature teenager. I chuckled again. I was a teenager.
“Alright. Incredible: Manuel and I made love and I had my first O.”
Celia and Dad exchanged shocked, disapproving looks. I didn’t care at first, wanting to hurt them for always leaving me alone. But then I felt childish and regretted saying it.
“Great: my period started. I’m so happy! Since I can menstruate, I can have babies. So I want to marry Manuel this summer.”
All three shifted in their chairs with wide eyes. Dad forgot to breathe.
“Yummy: I had my first Krispy Kreme donut.”
They all laughed, but Dad was still trying to recover from my first point.
“Horrible: I met with Dr. Jack because my period started. It’s official. I have an ‘endocrine-inactive tumor’ on my pituitary gland that will cause permanent tissue damage if it is not removed.”
They all slouched, but I averted my eyes and continued.
“Dreadful: I agreed to go to Stanford next week and have the tumor removed from, like, the center of my brain. Great: Manuel bought me a pretzel croissant.” I inhaled and then added, “Good: I had a good run to the stairs, down to the canyon, and back.”
Of course, I finished speaking and then went to pieces. I had lost the energy to keep any of my jigsaw puzzle together. I was wrecked. I had absolutely nothing left. I knew it was now up to them to put me back together.
~ GRADUATION ~
It was Saturday, time for the graduation ceremony. I was happy to be going and didn’t take any time at all to get ready. I wore minimal makeup, just enough to look good in family photos. I didn’t expect photographers to be present, just my fan club regulars. Most photographers were professionals and a graduation photo would not be worth any money. Except for weddings or birthday parties, there are few photos of happy events that sold magazines. People wanted to see the actor fail more than see her succeed. Perhaps people liked weddings because celebrity marriages almost always failed. Perhaps they liked birthday parties because celebrities inevitably aged, wrinkled, and then resorted to plastic surgery or x-nib.
