Feather Light (Knead Me)

by Lorenz Font

  Footsteps approached. She buried her head between her knees to keep from retching, hoping whoever it was would walk on by. To her dismay, the footfalls stopped beside her.

  “Kelly?” a female voice asked.

  She’d heard that voice before. Kelly raised her head, and through blurred vision, she recognized Webster and Cork. Webster knelt in front of her.

  “Are you okay?”

  Webster’s worried expression made her cry even more. She nodded, but then decided to tell the truth for once.

  She shook her head. “It’s my fault. I should have told him sooner.”

  “Why are you sitting here in the dark?” Cork asked, squatting down next to Webster.

  “Jessica dropped me off here … I was supposed to call her, but I think I left my purse in her car.”

  Cork sighed and sat down next to her. “Listen, it’s none of my business, so I’ll stay out of it, but this is not the place you want people to see you. If you want, Webbie and I can drive you home.”

  “Oh, thank you,” she replied, grateful for the offer. “I don’t even have anything with me to pay for a cab.”

  “An address is all we need.” Webster helped her to her feet.

  They spent most of the drive back to her mansion in silence. Kelly gazed out the window, rewinding the evening’s nightmare. Had it been so bad to want him to be happy with her without the added weight of her celebrity? The sweetness of their time together would forever haunt her dreams. She held back the tears once again. It was bad enough that his brother and friend had already seen her at her worst.

  When Cork made the turn down her street, Webbie gasped at the scene before them. Paparazzi were hovering by the gate like vultures searching for their next meal, those juicy tidbits to whet the public’s appetite.

  Webster turned to her in shocked surprise. “Is this what you have to deal with every day?”

  “Every waking hour,” she answered.

  Webster clucked in sympathy. “No wonder you hide behind disguises.”

  “They are the reason I lied to Parker. To protect him.”

  “Oh, Kelly. I understand now.”

  She struggled to keep her voice calm. “I wish he saw it the way you did.” If he’d only given her a chance and listened.

  Kelly slid down in her seat, hoping they wouldn’t spot her. But as always, they converged close to the car and started snapping pictures. Cork bristled while he inched closer to the gate. He glanced over his shoulder at her.

  “How do we get in?”

  “There’s a buzzer by the side of the gate. It’s a speaker. When Lizzie answers, say ‘Parker’ and she’ll let you in.”

  Cork raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. He managed to get out of the car and push his way through the crowd that surrounded it. He returned after a few minutes, just as the gate started opening. Kelly shielded her face with her hands. She’d be damned if she was going to let them get a picture of her with her eyes all puffy from crying again.

  “I have a newfound respect for your restraint,” Webster said as they wound their way up the circular driveway.

  Kelly snorted despite her throat closing up. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to tell a few of them to go to hell. I just couldn’t do it. You know what they say—if you can’t take the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen. This is the life I’ve chosen … but sometimes I feel ready to walk away from it all.”

  Lizzie was waiting by the front door when they drove up. Her smile was gracious and welcoming as always, but her eyes were glued to Kelly with worry.

  “Good evening, Ms. Kelly.”

  “Hi, Lizzie. Everything okay?” she asked as they made their way to the formal living room.

  “I’ve been worried about you. Ms. Jessica told me to give her a call if you didn’t show up before midnight …” Lizzie’s mouth gaped open in silence when she got a clear look at her face. “Oh my, are you okay? You need to rest. A concussion is not a joke. You shouldn’t even be walking around—”

  “Lizzie, I’m fine. I’m just a little banged up and shaken. Why don’t you make some coffee for us?” She turned to Cork and Webster. “Would you like to stay for a cup?”

  Webster had been checking the place out and turned in embarrassment. “Oh, sure. Coffee would be nice. I have to agree with Lizzie, though. You need to go to bed. You don’t look well.”

  Cork shifted in his spot, looking uncomfortable. “Webster’s right. You need to rest.”

  Kelly waved away their advice. “Let’s talk in the solarium,” she said and preceded them down the hallway. The walls were lined with fine art pieces she had accumulated over the last few years. She heard soft murmurs of appreciation behind her.

  When they were seated in the sunroom, Cork glanced Webster’s way. They seemed to be giving each other silent cues.

  “Kelly, can I ask you a personal question? You don’t have to answer. You can just tell me to go to hell and—”

  “Just say it.” Kelly leaned back against the rattan chairs and fought the urge to throw up. She was thankful she hadn’t had anything to eat for a while.

  “How do you feel about Parker?” Cork looked embarrassed while he waited for Kelly’s answer.

  She closed her eyes, thinking of Parker’s kisses, his touch, and the sound of his voice. How could she say how she felt in one breath? The man evoked too many emotions within her. He’d demolished her resolve with his charm, his easygoing nature, and his attention to everything about her. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and she brushed them away.

  “I’m in love with him.”

  Webster nodded and turned to Cork with a smug grin, looking like she’d already known what the answer would be. “See? I told you. My guess was right.”

  Cork’s jaw clenched. He sighed in frustration. “I suspected the same thing, too, but I didn’t want to assume anything.” He met Kelly’s gaze straight on. “I apologize for asking such a personal question, but I’m trying to see if there’s any way we can talk some sense into my brother and get it through that thick skull of his.”

  Kelly shook her head. She was already resigned to the fact that Parker had slammed shut the doors of reconciliation. It was over.

  “No … I think it’s all for the best. I don’t want Parker to have to deal with the life I lead. It’s not fair to put him under the same microscope when he has so much to deal with as it is.”

  “Oh c’mon. You can’t mean that. If you love the man, you have to fight for what is yours.” Webster threw her a challenging stare.

  Kelly stared back, incredulous. “You have no idea how bad it could get. They wouldn’t stop until he was torn apart. They’d use his blindness or anything else to twist things around and make him regret he was ever with me. They’d say hurtful things because they think Parker is not the ideal man for me.”

  Cork snorted. “My brother is an ideal man, inside and out. His blindness isn’t a burden at all.”

  Kelly admired Parker’s brother. At least they were both on the same page. “That’s how I feel about him, too,” she whispered.

  Webster sipped her coffee. “Give him time. He’ll soon realize what is more important. You have to remember the man took a big hit to his professional ego, and then he found out you weren’t who you said you were. Parker tries too hard to make everything look seamless, but I often wonder if he’s just doing it for everyone else’s benefit.”

  “I don’t know what to think anymore. He made it clear that I’m out of his life. I understand his anger, though not all of it. Regardless, I’m going to take his advice and move on.” Although the process of forgetting and moving on would be impossible. “I’m leaving in a few days to start filming in Africa. That’ll be a good time to think things over.”

  After Cork and Webster left, Kelly cried even more, hiding in her bedroom until she fell into an exhausted sleep. Putting everything behind her would be a painful and difficult ordeal, but she’d done it before. She hoped she could do it again. />
  Parker awoke and realized he had fallen asleep in the living room. He knew he’d hit bottom. The moment he’d lashed out at his brother, the meticulous walls he’d built around himself had crumbled, leaving him exposed and fragile, a position he’d been avoiding from the very beginning.

  All this time, he’d thought he was coping well. The fear and uncertainties about his blindness were tucked away behind the happy front he put up for everyone to see. He believed he’d conquered his doubts about himself until Ann … Kelly … had shown up in his life.

  Now Parker was back to where he’d started—and in worse shape. Good thing he couldn’t see himself in the mirror, because he knew he wouldn’t like the man staring back at him. Somehow, while he’d been busy trying to hide all his insecurities, he’d managed to forget that dealing and total acceptance were two entirely different things. Both needed to be addressed, and shoving one or the other aside had only bought him some time. There was no running away from reality.

  He walked back into his room, not caring if he stumbled along the way. Parker had a pounding headache, his face throbbed, and his nose was clogged. He hated that he’d cried. Weakness was unacceptable, and he despised himself even more for succumbing to its pull.

  He leaned against the bathroom sink and listened to the running water. His nose felt wrong; he was almost sure it was broken, but he didn’t care. Parker deserved that and more. He struggled to control himself, to stop the tears so he could think. Visions of Ann invaded his mind. For the first time, he wished he could see her face, to see the damage he’d done so he could torment himself even more. Though he’d accepted—or so he’d thought—his blindness years ago, there were days he regretted not being able to see. This had been one of those days. He’d wanted to see her face when she’d said she loved him.

  Parker thought back over what had happened. He’d been wrong and had gone too far, losing the very control he’d always tried so hard to maintain. He’d subjected her to his own insecurities, taken everything that was wrong in his life out on her. But the worst of it all was that he’d hurt her with his misplaced anger.

  He cried at his own stupidity for refusing to let her speak. Kelly had claimed she was protecting him, and he wanted to hate her for that. He was a man, and his ego screamed in protest. Men were supposed to protect their women, not the other way around, but as much as he wanted to hate her, he found it impossible.

  “I only did it because I was falling in love with you.”

  Parker leaned over the sink and squeezed the bridge of his nose to clear his nostrils of dried blood. He washed his face, scrubbing away the tears and gore until his face felt raw. Then he stumbled back to his room and sank onto the mattress, feeling lost and empty. Sleep and fatigue soon took over, but Kelly’s face haunted him. What had he done?

  Parker was awakened by the shrill ringing of his house phone. Disoriented, he climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen, feeling nauseated. Instead of answering it, he yanked the cord from the outlet and was instantly gratified when the ringing stopped. He wished everyone would just leave him alone. He wobbled from the effort. Bracing himself against the counter, he knocked something off. Parker waited until the spinning stopped and felt around for the item on the floor. He groaned once he realized what it was.

  Ann’s CD.

  How could he have forgotten about it? She gave it to him the night they had unprotected sex. He stumbled back to his room and popped the disc into the player. Rigid, he sat on a chair to listen.

  “Hello Parker! As I mentioned earlier, I wanted to write you a card filled with all the frills and gooey sweetness I’m feeling right now, but since reading it would be a challenge, I decided to record everything I wanted to say. I don’t want to be around when you listen to this, because I’m afraid you’ll laugh and find it sappy.

  “I have to admit, I’m using some rather well-worn quotes here, just because they say what I mean. Try not to laugh too hard. In the end, you’ll find out why I went this route.”

  He leaned closer to the speakers, not wanting to miss a single word.

  “Okay, this one is by Amanda Peet.”

  He had to smile at the sound of her bubbly laughter.

  “Yes, the actress.

  “ ‘Beauty is only skin deep. If you go after someone just because she’s beautiful, but don’t have anything to talk about, it’s going to get boring fast. You want to look beyond the surface and see if you can have fun or if you have anything in common with this person.’

  “I particularly adore this quote because it was a sentiment by someone who is judged because of her appearance and not how she is as a person. Cool, huh? Well, you’ll find out soon enough why this holds a special place in my heart.

  “Moving on, listen to this. This one is by John Burrows.

  “ ‘I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.’

  “Let me add to this. I find myself wanting to be with you every second of the day because I want to feel your touch, hear your voice, and see your smile. The day is not long enough to show you how much you mean to me, even with the short time we’ve known each other. I never thought instant attraction was even possible until I met you. And I believe that I have a good man holding me and keeping me close.”

  She laughed, and it felt like she was in the room with him.

  “This next one is another of my favorites. All I ask is for you to consider this.

  “ ‘Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.’

  “Martin Luther King, Jr. said that. What I’m getting at here is the fact that even if you have doubts and all you see are dead ends, your faith will lead you through all the humps and tumbles. I’m asking you to extend that faith to me. I’m not saying this to waste your time. On the contrary, I see a beginning of a relationship between us so unique that our names are already drawn into the sand.

  “And this one is by good old Albert ‘kickass’ Einstein.”

  Her laugh was electric, and he couldn’t help but laugh with her, despite the mounting sadness in his chest, making it impossible to breathe.

  “ ‘Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.’

  “I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that love is blind, right? Well, I think you can see better than the rest of us. And I’m sure you know by now that I have fallen in love with you. I’ve been hurt before, Parker, and that’s what’s kept me from fully giving myself to anyone. But with you, I feel there is still hope for me. You see, a man broke my heart. I trudged along because he gave me a gift, a life. That life was the reason that kept me going—a precious little girl who brought me unbridled joy. But she was taken from me, too.

  “Then you came along, giving everything you’ve got and asking very little in return. You have no fear. You give love like it’s the most natural thing to do. You’ve taught me how to love again, and I’m risking a lot here to let you know that I want to give this relationship everything I have.

  “And this one is from me. I’m here, telling you how I feel, naked and afraid, uncertain if you will have the heart to believe me after you find out who I am, which is the secret that I’ve kept from you. I want you to call me after you’ve listened to this. I’m hoping you will as soon as possible, because I’m aching to tell you that I love you and I want to feel your touch as I say the words.

  “There is no love greater than the one coming from the heart. And this, my Parker, is coming from deep within my soul.”

  Jesus Christ. A beautiful, caring woman had fallen in love with him, and he’d driven her away. Parker squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears from falling. He really was blind after all. He’d blinded himself with rage and his stupid belief that she couldn’t love him because he had nothing much to offer. She had opened up to him despite her fear, and all he’d done was turn her away without even giving her a chance to expl
ain. With everything she had said, he now realized he’d been wrong about her, and he was nothing but a giant ass.

  After conferring with her doctor, Kelly was given the thumbs-up to set her plans in motion. She began by packing two months’ worth of paraphernalia. Production and filming was set to begin for Cradle of Life, a story based on a novel about a freelance photographer caught in a moral dilemma of whether she should expose ape poachers in Africa. The story was interesting, but what appealed to her most was the location. The out-of-town filming provided her with an opportunity to mend her broken heart. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Two months away from LA was just what she needed.

  The bruises had already faded, and her accident had been forgotten. With the apprehension of Rigor James a few days ago and the possibility he’d serve some jail time, her mind was finally at ease. Thank God, the court had recognized the danger posed against celebrities by overzealous paparazzi. They’d issued a restraining order that would keep him at a distance. That was a triumph for her. A small victory, but still, nothing could ease the gaping hole Parker had left in her.

  The stinging behind her eyelids meant her resolve was on the verge of crumbling again. Kelly breathed in and out, just as her hypnotherapist had instructed. She’d had two sessions so far. In time, she’d begun to address her low self-esteem issues. Despite the fame, her self-image had plummeted with each failed relationship. According to her therapist, the subconscious mind had the ability to achieve emotional and physical wellbeing, with a little help. She’d had the answers all along, and all she had to do was dig deeper to find them within her.

  They’d practiced a drill together that helped her relax her mind and channel all her critical thoughts to give way to reframing the immediate problems and to promote self-awareness. It wasn’t easy. She was a work in progress, but she’d taken the first step just by addressing the issue.