Agatha H. And the Clockwork Princess

by Phil Foglio; Kaja Foglio

  28 Admittedly, attacks these days were few and far between, but Zumzum had a fair number of young people who maintained a fine old tradition of nighttime assignations. This assured that the scope was manned almost constantly. Sergeant Zulli always glumly predicted that when the town was attacked, it would be on a cold and rainy night.

  29 It wasn’t.

  30 While mercantile trade was common within the Empire, there were certain local specialties that simply didn’t travel well. For the best Viennese pastries, for example, you had to go to Vienna. Every town had a local beer, seasonal fruit, wine, fried dough recipe or scam for cheating tourists that the locals were proud of.

  31 Grounded was the term used when a Spark was sane enough to function on a day-to-day basis. It says a lot that many people, including Sparks, are unfamiliar with the term.

  32 Regular travelers throughout the Empire were issued warning signs by the Empire and required to post them, as well as report on problems they’d encountered. The penalties for anyone except the Baron’s troops removing a warning sign usually involved becoming a warning sign yourself.

  33 In addition to rewarding travelers who posted warning signs, the Baron’s agents were known to pay well for unusual specimens. Initially, there had been a number of people who had decided to “put one over” on the Baron by constructing and selling him fake madboy tech and handmade chimeras. The Baron bought them all, and the counterfeiters had a good laugh—until these same fakes appeared at various museums and auction houses, where they made the Empire significantly more money than it had paid out.

  34 Krosp did indeed try to run Moxana. The experiment was abandoned after he got his whiskers caught in the mechanisms for the second time.

  35 The High Priestess was a favorite stock character in the Heterodyne Plays. She represented all of the exotic Sparks who ruled mysterious, far-off lands and lost, barbaric civilizations who started out as antagonists, but invariably fell in love with Barry Heterodyne.

  36 Indeed, one Herr Doktor Flatmo actually left the circus in disgrace when Agatha’s mathematics revealed that his so-called “perpetual motion engine” actually required a slight push every ten and a half years in order to keep running. Oh, everyone was very nice about it in public, of course, but still…

  37 The Cylinder of Touch was a breathtaking creation of colored glass and wire. Its creator, Herr Doktor Potrzebie Spün, invited customers to place their hands on it to “Feel something extraordinary!” It evidently had been quite extraordinary, considering how much they screamed.

  38 On the surface, this was a legitimate observation. In his carefree youth, Klaus Wulfenbach had been a frequent companion-in-arms to Bill and Barry. But in subsequent years, as he had become more prominent, the Muse of Comedy had not been kind to him. In the Heterodyne plays, young Klaus was usually portrayed as an excitable coward. The first to turn tail, the first to gloat when he had the upper hand, the first to beg piteously for his life when captured, and after the inevitable victory, the first to claim the credit. Klaus was perfectly aware of these portrayals, yet allowed them to continue. The reason was simple: he found them hilarious.

  39 As has been mentioned, Agatha’s foster-mother, the construct Lilith (AKA Judy, the famous construct companion to the Heterodyne Boys), not only played the piano, but gave lessons in Beetleburg. According to anecdotal evidence, while young Agatha had trouble concentrating on tasks that involved engineering or math, music apparently came easier. At Lilith’s insistence, Dr. Beetle arranged for her to receive advanced training from some of the music masters at Transylvania Polygnostic University. An assessment from when Agatha was fourteen reads; “Subject has a refreshing appreciation of music. Superior mechanical aptitude. However it is my considered opinion that she lacks the fire and raw emotion required of a great player.” (from The Heterodyne Collection/ Transylvania Polygnostic Library, Beetleburg)

  40 From this description, as well as the others in this chapter, we can be fairly certain that Moxana was using the legendary Queen’s Tarot Deck. This deck was commissioned by Albia of England, and illustrated by the Polish alchemist Cagliostro. Albia supposedly designed many of the cards herself, in the process renaming most of the Major Arcana. Today, only three complete decks are known to survive. One is in the British Museum, one is in the Restricted Collection of the Louvre, and one is in The Hermitage in St. Petersburg. The implication that Moxana possessed a deck, while intriguing, has yet to be actually confirmed. The Queen’s Tarot is of particular interest to scholars, because according to anecdotal evidence, everyone who used it either went mad or spontaneously combusted.

  41 Andronicus Valois, the Storm King, that charismatic historical figure who united Europa against the Heterodynes, pioneered the practice of absorbing a conquered enemy’s forces. A strategy that Klaus Wulfenbach later adopted with great success. The greatest of the King’s Sparks, was one R. van Rijn. Details about the man are frustratingly vague. We know that he claimed to be from one of the old Dutch Kingdoms and that he was always afraid that he would be assassinated, though he would never explain why. Contemporary writings suggest that he went to great lengths to obscure information about himself from becoming common knowledge, to the point where he even refused to sit for a portrait by the King’s artist-in-residence. Some have suggested that he was a fictional creation, and that his work was actually made by Andronicus Valois himself. The Muses themselves vehemently deny this.

  42 The Storm King’s Muses were unquestionably Van Rijn’s greatest accomplishment. They were a set of nine clanks designed to embody various attributes that Van Rijn considered important for a ruler to know. They would guide, teach and instruct the Storm King in the various disciplines that would enable him to not just win a war, but wisely govern afterward. While there is no question that Andronicus was a superb administrator and manipulator, his journals reveal that the scope of the Empire was beginning to tax even his capabilities. As far as The Muses themselves, much has been claimed about their abilities, and many of these claims seem outlandish. However Van Rijn, in one of his few surviving letters (“Letter to ‘D’.” Currently held in the Non-Animate Library of Munich), confessed that with the Muses, he had produced something that he himself did not fully understand. —“But they have most kindly told me not to worry about it.”

  43 Dr. Beetle, the Tyrant of Beetleburg and master of the University, had been a friend of Barry Heterodyne, and one of the few people who had known the truth of Agatha’s lineage, as well as the secret of her locket. He had kept her as close as possible by making her one of his lab assistants. The Lady Heterodyne has acknowledged that he was responsible for teaching her much about laboratory methodology, small town management, and advanced ranting.

  44 Bartolomeo Christofori di Francesco was an Italian creator of musical instruments. He is credited with inventing the piano. This invention did not experience great success however, until two years later, when he invented the piano bench.

  45 This useful little hand gesture tends to be made as surreptitiously as possible, since even crude, home-brewed clanks tended to be big, fast, and possessed of an fine sense of self-preservation.

  46 In the Heterodyne plays, Lucrezia Mongfish was the ingénue, to be sure, but initially, she was always portrayed as a comically evil figure, who was vain, megalomaniacal, treacherous and an inveterate liar. She was always redeemed by the power of Bill Heterodyne’s love sometime in the third act, but until then, she was an audience favorite.

  47 From the description, it seems likely that the Princess Anevka was wearing something from Monsieur Oliphaunt of Paris’ “Beautiful Abominations of Science” line. A perennial favorite amongst Sparky fashonistas with a taste for vivisection. As The Journal of Paris Fashion said in a favorable review “Très mad? Très chic!”

  48 Romanian was the official language of the Empire. However most educated people in the sciences, were conversant in Latin, Greek, and German, as well as English (the language of trade) and French (the language of dipl
omacy). Certain schools of mathematics are best discussed in Arabic, and Russian is always good for a laugh. At this time, thanks to her secretarial duties for the late Tyrant of Beetleburg, Agatha was conversant in all of them.

  49 Cleonicus Rollipod, Ph.D, Order of the Steel Pen, etc., was a brilliant botanist, who single-handedly developed the universally popular “Meat Wheat,” despite the fact that he was convinced that he was really a giant bumblebee (bombus megamaxillosus). Luckily, he was one of those people who looked good in yellow and black.

  50 As much as he tried, Klaus could not be everywhere. Occasionally he empowered extraordinary individuals to act in his stead. The Baron’s Questors were arguably some of the most powerful figures in Europa at this time. They could go anywhere. Demand to see anything. And at a moment’s notice, demand co-operation or obedience from any of the Baron’s people, as well as act as judge, jury and executioner. They were doubly annoying because they tended to travel incognito, so one always had to be careful about who you arrested (which was rather the point). They also tended to be damned hard to kill. However the penalties for defying or incarcerating them paled beside what happened if you impersonated one. Naturally, they were the heroes of hundreds of folk tales, legends and stories.

  51 Being a Spark was dangerous. This was no secret. Many Sparks dealt with the ever-present possibility of death or defeat by constructing elaborate doomsday devices. Finding and disarming these was a popular staple in Heterodyne Plays. For Sparks, end-of-life counseling usually involved architects and demolitions experts.

  52 The identity of The Other, who had destroyed Castle Heterodyne, wiped out over thirty of the Great Spark Houses of Europa and precipitated the Long War, was one of the greatest mysteries of this time. The Other never issued demands, ultimatums or justifications for her actions, leading some to wonder if she was a Spark at all.

  53 The Fifty Families are a coalition of those families that used to rule Europa. Their ancestors were brigands and thugs who were so good at killing people that the remaining people started giving them things so they’d stop. This made them Royalty. These days their descendants never mention this, as it seems entirely too much like honest labor. While the Fifty Families can do nothing directly about Klaus, they still have enough influence that they can be an annoyance.

  54 Most plans or devices created by Sparks tended to frustrate those non-Sparks who attempted to repair or duplicate them. Working on them excessively tended to drive those who did so quite mad. Disappointingly, this didn’t help.

  55 Klaus originally sent Bangladesh DuPree to Paris to teach Gilgamesh how to fight a crazy person (though this was not what he told Captain DuPree). There have been tantalizing hints that their relationship progressed beyond this, but many scholars regard this as unlikely, since both were still alive.

  56 Parisian scandal-sheets of the period in question do mention one “Gilgamesh Holzfäller” a surprising number of times. Usually in connection with assorted foiled robberies, captured rogue experiments, subdued out-of-control clanks, and exposed secret societies. In these exploits, he was invariably accompanied by a revolving cast of vivacious, under-dressed ladies who had required rescuing. This was really as close as Gil had ever got to “dating”.

  57 Amongst the aristocracy, black envelopes were reserved for the deaths of nobility. Amongst the merchant class, it usually signified an everything-must-go sale.

  58 A pirate queen, to be sure. But the aristocracy these days was feeling sufficiently under siege that they were prepared to overlook certain realities. As a result, many a formal banquet had been enlivened by someone foolishly inviting someone who was euphemistically referred to as “working royalty”.

  59 Gilgamesh had written most of them down in a rather thick book.

  60 In the three years since she had joined Klaus’ forces, Bangladesh’s unconventional fight against the air force’s traditional glass ceiling had produced a disturbing number of conventional casualties. Klaus did little about this, claiming that it was an internal problem that the service should work out itself. In truth, he had noticed that the newer officers, especially those who had helped bury their predecessors, tended to be a lot more open-minded about things. Plus, when he used female officers, a depressing number of foes of the Empire underestimated them—usually right up until they were blown from the sky.

  61 Sometimes, when a madboy’s schemes were not producing the desired results, they actually had sufficient insight to blame themselves. However, instead of addressing their numerous psychological problems, behavioral issues or basic inability to grasp reality, a significant number of them tried to solve their problems by making themselves smarter. The results never failed to be entertaining. If they survived, Klaus found them to be quite useful. Admittedly, the Deep Thinkers’ ruminations were useless for day-to-day planning, but they were able to correlate vast amounts of seemingly unrelated data, and use it to predict future trends and outcomes, as well as enhance or prevent certain outcomes, usually by minutely affecting things that had no apparent connection. The downside was that Klaus grew weary knowing that every time he had oatmeal for breakfast, he was dooming humanity to a thousand years of war and slavery, and that this terrible fate was only prevented by his having a banana with lunch.

  62 Every Wulfenbach Bosun’s whistle was a marvel of acoustical engineering, and was tuned to a different pitch. These pitches were used to identify particular ships in fog and at night by dockhands as well as fleet commanders. While a Bosun might be transferred, the whistle itself was handed down within the ship. Particularly discordant or nerve-wracking whistles were a source of pride, and the sound of a dozen or so of them keening in the dawn air, growing louder as the great ships dropped out of the sky, had broken the nerve of more than one set of defenders.

  63 Mad Behavioral Scientists didn’t get a lot of press, but Klaus had several of them on his payrolls. The morale of the forces of the Empire were often bolstered by statistically odd, but not all that uncommon occurrences that had been carefully woven into an efficient mythos of good luck. Similarly, things that were seen as bad luck tended to be things that happened because of sloppiness (uncoiled ropes), foolishness (not checking your safety line when outside the gondola), or terminal ignorance (lighting a match inside a gasbag). As a result, the Wulfenbach troops did better overall because they felt lucky, and as one surveyed the wreckage of those who went up against them, it was a hard point to argue against. If only because it was unlucky.

  64 No other single attribute or talent of the Heterodyne family is so little understood, even today, as the ability they refer to as heterodyning. True heterodyning consists of producing an audible frequency that is the exact opposite of an existing audible frequency. These two frequencies ideally “cancel each other out.” Agatha and other Heterodynes claim that they could produce a type of vocal “humming” that reduced or eliminated ambient noise, making it much easier to sink into a Spark enhanced fugue-state.

  65 This led to even more exciting experiences with incorruptible gendarmes, state-of-the-art jail cells, and a once-in-a-lifetime-if-you-are-lucky meeting with the Master of Paris himself. When this was done, they were sent home with many exciting memories, several train cars full of purchases, and an assignment to read and write a report on Rousseau’s “Discourse on the Basis of Inequality”.

  66 Being French, they used better words than that.

  67 Alfons Mucha is one of a handful of recognized Sparks who turned their talents to Art, instead of Science. He believed that aesthetically, nature was a superior designer and structural engineer, and so he produced a wide variety of man-made objects that looked as if they had been grown organically. These indeed proved to be stronger and more efficient, but tended to dry up and fall over in the autumn. Alfons also believed that beautiful women should wear as little as possible, and designed many outfits to prove it. Thus, while his architectural business foundered, its give-away calendars were extremely popular.

  68 Except to say that,
when engaged in the perfectly legitimate art form known as Storytelling amidst the general public, one should always be aware of any and all local ordinances regarding slander, gossip, and defamation of character regarding a town’s leaders, who usually regard freedom of expression as something reserved wholly for themselves. Just saying.

  69 This is a phrase in the original language of the Mechanicsburg region, which roughly translates as, “Are you going to eat me?” Any long-time resident of Mechanicsburg will tell you that this is a remarkably useful phrase to know. Your Professor (for yes, this falsely incarcerated person was, in fact Professor Philip Foglio), is, despite the shrill claims of the local Chamber of Commerce, indeed a native-born son of Mechanicsburg.

  70 Sparkhunds were a breed of wolf/mastiff hybrids, specially bred to hunt down Sparks. It was inevitable that some of the more perverse Sparks had found the concept amusing, and thus had made their own contributions to the breed. As a result, the Sparkhunds at the time of our story were enormous, semi-intelligent creatures with rudimentary hands and jaws that could tear through armor plating. Naturally, they still hunted Sparks, but now they enjoyed it.

  71 Many Jägers lose touch with their humanity. This should come as no surprise, considering they were recruited from the Heterodyne’s army of reavers, pillagers, thugs and warriors, who were not chosen for their warmth and sensitivity to begin with. What did come as a surprise, was that to some degree or another, over time, they all regretted this loss. Many of them tried to develop interests and hobbies that tied them to normal people. The Jäger, Ognian, took an inordinate amount of interest in his descendants. He maintained records. He kept scrapbooks. He tried to set them up on dates. Thanks to his help, the Professor’s family, at the time of our story, was dangerously close to going extinct.

  72 Luckily, for all concerned, sometime in the past, an anonymous female Spark developed a quiet useful plant, known as “Trusty Maiden Weed”. Due to its invasive qualities, it was now grown throughout Europa. When brewed into a tasty tea, and drunk on a regular basis, it prevented pregnancy, as well as a number of embarrassing diseases. Many traveling shows harvested it as they moved about and did a brisk business selling it in town. It was a rare woman who skipped her morning Maiden’s Cup.