The Dark Crown

by S C Gowland

  The task had been rather mundane and Kaoldan had begun to suspect that the two Coil Slugs they had found were the only ones aboard. Then as he had entered one particular cabin, an ear-splitting screech had made him jump and fumble for his Walkerblade.

  The screeches echoed around the low room, like a pig in distress, until with a dull thud a black twisted stick the length of a person’s arm had dropped from the ceiling just above his head.

  Its oily skin rippled and convulsed, shrinking and withering before his eyes the sheen on the creature’s skin faded and was replaced with a coal-like veneer.

  When it eventually stopped moving, and screeching, Kaoldan had stabbed it very firmly with his Walkerblade deposited it into a sack and burnt the contents. The whole process had made Kaoldan’s skin crawl and also made him feel very hungry.

  It had taken most of the night to cover all the ship and no-one had slept.

  A door creaked announcing the arrival of Zahara and Romina.

  The two women, while still slightly pale were by appearances mostly recovered, it appeared that the Coil Slugs had knocked them out and only drained a pint or two of blood before they had been interrupted. The pair lowered themselves wearily into their chairs, with a collective groan.

  ‘Some food?’ offered Nova, waving a plate of cheese and bread in front of them, both women winced.

  Romina waved the plate away. ‘Not now, thank you.’ she said with a weak smile.

  ‘How do you feel?’ said Kubrean leaning forwards in his seat, resting his elbows on the table, face a picture of concern.

  ‘Not too bad.’ offered Zahara, wincing slightly as she readjusted in her seat.

  ‘Just tired more than anything.’ said Romina glancing at her father. ‘I remember lying down to rest and then waking up on the deck spitting out goodness knows what.’ she said stretching out her neck.

  ‘I told you there was a reason to wear all that armour.’ said Zalen, wrapping his breastplate with a dull clonk. ’Good stuff this armour.’ he said with a nod. ‘Probably saved your life.’

  ‘Neck armour?’ said Zahara, eyebrows raised.

  Zalen looked less certain of himself.

  ‘And not the best of clothing if the ship sinks either.’ added Romina looking at her sister. Zahara tutted and shook her head. ‘ All that water...’

  Zalen face went still then slightly pale, he shifted in his seat, winced then stood.

  ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ he said, sounding rather flustered.

  The door banged shut as he left the room, in something of a hurry.

  A grin spread across their faces.

  ‘Must you constantly, torture that poor man.’ said Nova disapprovingly.

  ‘It keeps him on his toes.’ said Zahara.

  ‘And it is rather fun.’ countered Romina.

  ‘If slightly easy.’ said Zahara.

  Nova grumbled to himself, face serious.

  Kubrean and Nova exchanged a glance, a look passing between them.

  ‘Time, we got some rest.’ said Kubrean groaning slightly as he placed his hands on his knees and stood.

  ‘And you too young ladies.’ said Nova placing a wrinkled hand on Zahara's shoulder. ‘And yes, we will inspect your quarters just to make sure there are no more uninvited guests.’

  ‘Not sure that we can go back to that room now.’ said Zahara with a slight shudder, ‘Not with the door hanging off its hinges.’ she pursed her lips while staring at Kaoldan, who winced and coughed.

  ‘A fair point.’ said Kubrean, ‘Which is why you will be moved to another room.’

  Kaoldan clenched his jaw and rubbed his hands together.

  ‘I’ll do it.’ he said voice surprisingly high.

  He cleared his throat.

  ‘I’ll show them to their new room. You go.’ he waved towards the door, his throat becoming increasingly dry and tight.

  The two old men paused, then nodded.

  ‘As you wish,’ said Nova. ‘Just don’t keep them up for too long.’

  ‘We aren’t kids.’ sighed Zahara.

  ‘No, you are not. but you have had an awfully close call. I just want to make sure that you are not being kept up for no good reason.’ he stared at Kaoldan for a long time.

  Kaoldan screwed his mouth up and slowly nodded. ‘I’d like to.’ he croaked.

  ‘We would too.’ said Romina with surprising enthusiasm, her eyes bright, studying Kaoldan closely, causing another flush of heat through his body.

  ‘Very well. Come along old man.’ said Nova pointing towards the door.

  Kubrean looked slightly injured by that comment.

  ‘I’m much younger than you.’ he muttered opening the door for Nova to walk through.

  ‘Only by…’ words were lost, drowned out by the creak of the ship and the crackle of the brazier.

  A thick, heavy silence descended on the room.

  Kaoldan desperately wanted to say something, but his throat was tight.

  He licked his lips and cleared his throat, stood and poked the brazier trying his best to appear to be doing a serious job of it. When in reality he just prodded and poked for the sake of allowing his head to clear.

  ‘Thank you.’ came a voice behind him.

  He turned surprised by the words.

  ‘We never said thank you.’ said Romina looking at him then away when their eyes met.

  He looked at her blankly.

  ‘For the Coil Slugs.’ she offered, brows raised.

  ‘Oh, oh yes.’ he waved it away. ‘Horrible things, it was Aralorne was much as me.’

  Then more silence.

  Zahara looked at her sister and then took a seat.

  Goodness it was hot in this room, Kaoldan pulled at his collar.

  The silence continued.

  He glanced at his daughters, who glanced at him. Their eyes met once or twice, but they averted their eyes, almost too embarrassed to speak.

  Still silence consumed the room.

  Say something, his head screamed.

  He coughed and moved to the table turning a chair around, so its back faced towards them. He straddled it with a wince. He closed his eyes and took a sharp breath inwards.

  ‘I was told when I was very young,’ said Kaoldan, scratching at an imaginary stain on the table with his fingernail. ‘That being a parent is the hardest job in the world. At the time I dismissed it as nonsense.’ he pursed his lips. ‘It couldn't possibly be so hard. Surely anyone could do it or so I thought. I was very, very wrong.’ he said shaking his head. ‘And I know I’ve got some things - things between us - very, very wrong.’ he licked his dry lips.

  His daughters said nothing. They simply looked at him.

  The silence returned.

  He rubbed the top of his head, hair rustling between his fingers.

  ‘Most of which, I am very sorry for.’ he said, his voice wavering slightly.

  ‘Most of which?’ said Zahara lips pursed.

  He wriggled in his seat, felt like there were ants in his trouser.

  ‘I got something right.’ he countered, but his voice was weak.

  Zahara raised her eyebrows.

  ‘That doesn’t matter now.’ he said, biting his lip.

  Her brows raised further.

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’ he cursed himself, anger flashed through his head.

  ‘You still, needed protecting.’

  Romina snorted.

  ‘Really...’ she said.

  ‘Yes.’

  She snorted again. ‘We were in the middle of a city surrounded by Walkers and a city watch.’ she spread her hands towards him.

  He turned face tense, jaw muscles aching.

  ‘What could we possibly need protecting from? The harsh realities of the world, from bad news?’ she sneered, folding her arms.

  A tension rose from within him, cold and hot, furious and unstoppable.

  ‘You needed protection from me.’ he yelled.

  The tension was instantly rele
ased. He felt his heart relax and slow. He closed his eyes and looked down. ‘You needed protection from me.’ he said softer this time.

  Brows dropped; the room silent again.

  ‘You were right.’ he said voice clearer. He looked up and sniffed. ‘Both of you.’ he said returning his attention to the stain on the table. but he glanced at each of them in turn. Their eyes less accusing, perhaps.

  ‘You've been right about a great many things, possibly more than I’m comfortable with in all honesty. You both said it weeks ago. Things have changed. You both have changed in many ways; many beautiful ways, ways I didn't expect that caught me off guard.’

  ‘That is a lot of ways.’ said Zahara to her sister, who nodded sagely in agreement.

  He sucked at his teeth.

  They were not making this any easier. Best to just say it all.

  ‘When I sent you away, which I still maintain was the right thing to do, back then.’ he said raising one hand defensively.

  ‘You were children, barely in your teens. How could I possibly look after you both? When my head was shattered, my world blown apart. It was too much for me to deal with.’ he said, flicking imaginary dust from his lap.

  He glanced at them, their faces softer now.

  Romina in particular watching him intently, it unsettled him.

  ‘I can't really put into words where I was back then. The day that it happened.’ He felt a pain at the back of his head.

  ‘The day that we lost your mother and your brother. I felt so helpless.’ he half whispered. He remembered the look on Nova’s face as he had told Kaoldan the terrible news.

  ‘So utterly, utterly helpless. I had lost the woman I loved; I had lost my firstborn child; both in one day.‘ he rubbed his teeth with his tongue. ‘Instantly my world was smashed and in trying to do the best thing for you I turn your worlds upside down too.’ he said, voice breaking. He swallowed reaching for a cup, hungrily swallowed down several gulps before bashing it down on the table, a little harder than he had intended. It made them jump and nervous laughter leaked out of them. Romina flushed briefly with embarrassment.

  ‘Please, continue…’ Zahara said, face serious for once.

  Kaoldan cleared his throat.

  ‘I am sorry for what I did at the time, and for what I have failed to do since.’ he could not meet their eyes. ‘It made sense at the time; it was the right thing to do. Because I was in no fit state to look after anybody. At that point I could barely look after myself.’

  He lowered his head, the pain at the back of his head increasing. ’It was only with the support of others, Nova, Tokel, Zalen, Kryst and Kubrean that I actually survived, that I actually continue to exist.’

  He took a deep breath, rising from his seat bowing his head turning away from them. ‘I nearly did some very stupid things.’ he offered, his hands wide, ‘At that time they were things that I never considered before. But they seemed like an answer. A way out.’ he muttered. ‘Not the perfect answer to the situation. But an answer that beckoned to me none the less, but I couldn't.’ he turned head still low, avoiding gazes and eyes. ‘The reason that I couldn't do it was because of you two.’ said Kaoldan.

  He looked at his hands, fingers fidgeting.

  He looked at the ceiling.

  Then the wall.

  The floor.

  The table.

  God this was hard.

  He swore.

  He felt a rage building within him.

  He flexed his fingers, moved his feet, strangely felt the warmth of Fajin flowing through him and then for some unknown reason he punched the wall as hard as he could.

  His hand disappeared through the wood, as light burst through the hole. The noise cracked around the room, making his daughters jump. A sharp pain shot up his arm.

  ‘Oww...’ he groaned, pulling his hand out, splinters and shattered segments of yellow wood clattering to the floor. ‘See…’ he said somewhat sheepishly, shaking life back into his right hand., ‘I'm still very capable of doing stupid things.’

  His daughters looked at each other then at him, nervously laughing. Either it was out of fear or awkwardness he wasn’t sure.

  The pain had left him, but strangely it felt good.

  It felt honest and truthful; made him feel alive.

  ‘I do that sometimes.’ chirped Romina with a shrug of her shoulders.

  He frowned. ‘Really? I thought I was the only one doing stupid things?’ he said. He was pushing it, he knew that, but it felt like the right thing to do.

  ‘I don't know why; I've never really understood it. It's just one of the things that I do. It helps at the time. I feel better afterwards, but it's partly because I'm angry.’ she said inspecting her fingers. ‘I'm angry all the time. I get so annoyed about little tiny insignificant things and recently I've felt angrier if that were possible.’ she said with a nervous smile. ‘I find it difficult to control myself and then I see you doing exactly the same as I do and it kind of makes me feel better about it.’ her face was twisted in thought. ‘That man. The one I killed on the journey down after the attack. I did that because I was angry.’ she lowered her head. ‘I did it on a whim without thinking I rarely think through the consequences of my actions particularly when I'm angry.’ she frowned then looked straight at him.

  ‘The anger has been deep in me since you left.’ she said. ‘I hated you for a while, I suppose, for ripping us apart. It still hurts, and it has changed everything, but I do understand.’ she nodded slowly, sighed and continued to look at her fingers, flexing and twisting them.

  ‘In some ways you had no real choice what could you do? Us being around you would have been a reminder what your lost, of what we all lost.’ she looked at him and bit her lip. An impish smile appeared on her face, for a second, she looked like a child again.

  An image flashed through his mind, a black and white image; a silhouette of two bright young girls stood, hand in hand, at the entrance to Vanguard, its stone gates dark, hard, cold.

  ‘I’m scared.’ croaked Zahara, her face slightly pale. ‘All the time.’ she confirmed, looking at her sister, then at Kaoldan. ‘I’m more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, if I'm really honest.’ she said. ‘It makes no sense, I should know I'm surrounded by people who love me, people that would do anything to protect me, but I am scared all the time.’

  Romina looked confused, uncertain.

  Kaoldan narrowed his eyes, ‘You're not the only one.’ he said. ‘I've been scared my entire life. Scared of responsibility. Scared of failure. Scared of hurting people. Scared of not being there.’

  He looked up, rubbing the side of his head, which was now throbbing with pain.

  ‘But most of all scared of making things worse.’ he murmured.

  He paused, silence holding for a long time.

  ‘I've seen things in this world that would make your blood run cold. I’ve seen things that I thought, I pictured, could happen to you.’

  He turned to face them.

  ‘You are the reason I'm still here.’ he said frowning. ‘And for a while, if I'm honest, I resented you for it.’ he sucked his lips, breathing in through his nose.

  They said nothing and watched, eyes searching his face.

  ‘I’ve never felt such pain, before or since then.’ he said more to himself than anything. He remembered the feelings, horror, disbelief and above all else guilt.

  Romina raised her hand to her mouth, her eyes wet.

  Zahara looked down at the table and seemed to find the same stain that Kaoldan had, her jaw tight, nails digging into the wood.

  ‘Please understand this is not an easy thing for me to say, it is not an easy thing for any father to say to his children, no matter how big they are.’ he tried to make a joke of it, but no-one was laughing each in their own world or memories and what ifs.

  Silence held the room for a long time.

  His eyes shifted from the floor to the gaping hole in the wall and then to them.


  The girls. The women.

  ‘I think that may be part of the reason why I never visited.’ his face creased in concentration. ‘I feared I would make things worse, destroy your lives again. You didn’t need that, and I couldn't the thought of causing you more pain. It was easier to remember you as you. Just as it is easier to remember Jayk and your mother as they were, in that perfect world, in that perfect moment in time, before that day.’

  He could not help himself.

  All embarrassment fled; all propriety left him in that second.

  It was like his body did not belong to him, that he was an observer, powerless to change anything.

  But why would he want to?

  The shaking of his shoulders felt good, the tears rolling down his face felt sweet, the tension wiped from his muscles.

  He slumped into a heap on the chair, burying his head in his hands, deep gasping sobs emitted from his body his shoulders quivered, vibrated.

  He felt an arm circle around him.

  Then another.

  Then two more.

  They said nothing. He heard their sobs combining with his own. And they simply held him as years of pain and anger rose up and were released from within them.

  Chapter 23 – What do you know?

  If Celst had been a depressing seaside town, then the small harbour they entered on the way to Zuivosal was even worse, but Romina didn’t really care.

  They had been at sea for all of seven days, strong winds that had helped them to make good progress on the first two days. But had eventually dwindled and faded, and their pace had slowed.

  The Iron Lake had very much lived up to its name, dark, dirty water, seemingly with no end. The sight of small rocks in the distance which had grown overnight into a cluster of small islands had lifted her spirits.

  The islands themselves were nothing special, but grey granite bland white seams glistening, tufts of grass here and there was about the best that could be said of them. But the prospect of stability underfoot and freedom from this ship, made anything look far more appealing than they actually were.

  She had begun to get restless on board, beginning to see the ship as a sort of wooden prison, a great trap and her the mouse within it.