The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  It’s not a coincidence that there are so many terms of abuse that are linked to women: bitch, slut, hag, bimbo.

  The vocabulary is more limited when it comes to men. What we say and do affects how our children will behave. By making derogatory comments, we teach children that it’s okay to say negative things about others and not respect those who are different. Making negative comments and claiming the right to judge others, these are the actions that lead to bullying. Preventing bullying is an active choice, not something that happens automatically. By letting negative comments go unchallenged, we are quietly accepting that it’s okay to make such comments about others.

  In 2017, 23.8% of girls and 16.7% of boys ages 12 to 18 reported being bullied at school.

  —US National Center for Education Statistics

  Suggestions

  Instead of rejecting people who don’t act like you or in ways you are used to, remember that people are different. We’re not all the same. The word different does not mean good or bad; it just means different.

  When someone makes a negative comment, follow up with a question. This makes the other person “own” the comment and explain their thinking.

  • How so?

  • How do you know that?

  • What do you mean?

  Or just say:

  “People are different! [In how they dress, look, think, what they believe, how they talk, or whatever the issue happens to be.]”

  If someone generalizes about girls or boys, follow up with a question. It’s good to take a closer look at generalizations.

  “Boys are so mean!”

  “Are all the boys in your group mean?”

  “No, it’s Lars, Björn, and Truls.”

  “What about the other nine boys in the group?”

  “They’re nice.”

  “So not all boys are mean?”

  “No.”

  But That’s How It’s Always Been Done!

  “We have to have a girl as Lucia. That’s how it’s always been done!”

  —principal, elementary school

  “We can only have one Lucia. The other girls are handmaidens, and the boys are star boys. That’s how it’s always been. It’s tradition.”

  —chorus manager for four- to seven-year-olds

  Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, Santa’s elves are tiptoeing about. Here comes Lucia, candles in her hair, and there we have her handmaidens, and the gingerbread cookies and elves. Right? Lucia is a Swedish tradition rife with gender-stereotyped roles. We’re often told only girls can be Lucia and wear candles in their hair, or that there can only be a certain number of Lucias. The other roles are also divided by gender, so that only girls can be handmaidens and only boys can be elves or gingerbread cookies, or wear a cone hat and be star boys. Picking a Lucia can also turn into a beauty pageant, with the children voting for Lucia candidates. It’s important to stop to think about the purpose of the holiday and the celebration, how the roles are divided up, and why. The Lucia holiday celebrates light. What could be brighter than allowing all children who want to do so to wear glitter or candlelights in their hair?

  The Lucia celebration is an important cultural tradition in Sweden. Lucia brings light and songs into the dark Swedish winter and is celebrated in schools and preschools. The procession is made up of children singing carols. Once the singing is over, the audience will usually enjoy the Swedish fika: tea, coffee, and saffron-flavored buns. Conventionally, there was only one Lucia, and this role was played by a girl. Today, any child may want to be a Lucia.

  People often defend gender-stereotyped roles for the sake of “tradition.” Traditions are simply things that recur repeatedly. For something to become a tradition, we have to take some kind of action to make that happen. That’s why fairly new occurrences can become traditions. Halloween is a good example. We’ve only celebrated Halloween in Sweden for a couple of decades, but many people already think of it as a tradition. The meatball phenomenon didn’t show up until the seventies, but many now consider it a necessary component of the Swedish Christmas smorgasbord. These days, many people choose to have veggie-balls instead, or other vegetarian dishes for the holidays, creating new traditions.

  Traditions are linked to a certain time or era, and they change as society changes. When we challenge outdated gender roles, we need to take a look at the traditions that serve to perpetuate those roles, too.

  Suggestions

  Let children choose how to dress up for various holidays. Children are good at innovating, giving new meaning to old traditions and creating new ones.

  Does your family celebrate a holiday that’s not usually celebrated at your child’s preschool? Tell the teachers so that they can celebrate more holidays and try new things!

  Create new traditions filled with ideas you like! How about a One-Yard Day when your child reaches one yard in height, or a Picnic Day when the spring sun starts shining?

  Gender Equality of Appearances

  We construct gender every day when we choose our clothes and get dressed. But gender equality of appearances is about so much more than being able to choose from an entire clothing store rather than just half of one. If we had gender equality of appearances, we could simply have children’s clothes instead of clothes for boys and clothes for girls. All children would have access to all the colors of the rainbow, and to clothes that are comfortable and that are made for playing and being active. They would get to be tough and cute, look nice and cool, but wouldn’t have to have certain kinds of clothes or attributes in order to “be someone” in someone else’s eyes or to be included in games and fun. A dress would just be one clothing item among many others. If we had gender equality of appearances, all children would feel affirmed based on who they are, not their looks. They would know that they are seen for who they are and that we like them just the way they are. Friendly, funny, silly, or angry, it’s all okay. All children would be received as people who think and feel and have the opportunity to build a strong and positive sense of self.

  Beyond Taciturn vs. Polysyllabic

  More Ways of Using Language

  What’s … Ummmmm’s … Name?

  You’ve just arrived at the playground, and you’re just about to hit the swings with your child! You’d like to be friendly and say something to the parent and child who are already there. So, you’re going to ask the go-to question: the name question. It’s polite, not too personal, and all parents love answering it. Perhaps you can tell right away if the child is a girl or a boy: Hi, what’s her name? But sometimes it’s not that easy. You look for gender clues, but none can be found. If this is a him and you say “her,” or vice versa, it could get awkward. For some reason, mistaking a child’s gender can offend people. So, you try the stalling tactic: Hi, what’s … ummmmm’s … name? If you drag out the “um” long enough, maybe you’ll get lucky and the other person will help you out with their child’s name.

  The gender trap in this everyday situation is that we focus on the child’s gender, not the child. Is this due to old habits or do we simply lack the right words? The tricky thing is that the more times we ask whether the child is a boy or a girl, the more important the question seems to the child, to us, and to the person we’re asking. As if it matters whether the child on the swing is a boy or a girl!

  Suggestions

  Say child instead of him or her, boy or girl:

  • Hi! What’s your child’s name?

  • Your child seems so inquisitive!

  Say their instead of his or her: What’s their name?

  Come On, Girls! Hello, Boys!

  We tend to label groups of children “boys” or “girls,” in much the same way that we focus on the gender of individual children. When it’s time to eat, cross the street, or get on the bus, a group of children will often be addressed by their gender. It’s not as common for us to say, Come on, all kids with long hair! Or, Come on, all short kids! The problem is that when we label groups “boys” or “girls,” we a
re once again telling children that this distinction matters, that they belong to two separate categories of people. There’s also a risk that some children never or very rarely are recognized as unique individuals. Instead, they are one of the many in the anonymous group called girls or boys. This invisibility mainly affects children who are shy, timid, or quiet. Another kind of problem arises when we say Boys! Settle down now! when only two of the four boys in the room need to settle down. When we interact with children as a group and talk to them as a group, we often make them responsible for and blame them for something they haven’t done. Children who get blamed via this kind of collective responsibility can be confused because they don’t understand the connection between what they did and the reprimand. Of course, sometimes it’s a question of misplaced praise, instead. We might praise the girls for having tidied up, even though only Sofia and Tyra did it. Maji and Lena didn’t help at all.

  Suggestions

  A good way of avoiding collective blame and acknowledging each child as an individual is to say the children’s names:

  • Majken, Elin, and Mirjana! Settle down now!

  • Nice job cleaning up, Emil, Hugo, Karam, and Allan!

  • Rosa and Fatou, we’re eating now.

  • Simon and Kim, hold hands when you cross the street, please.

  Skip the words boys and girls. Try using the word children, instead:

  • Do we have any strong children who can help?

  • Look at the children! That looks like fun!

  Start using gender-neutral words. They give children more room to be and act, and they change the world.

  CHILD (instead of girl, boy)

  PARENT (instead of mother, father)

  SIBLING (instead of brother, sister)

  BELOVED (instead of girlfriend, boyfriend)

  PARTNER (instead of wife, husband)

  THEY (instead of he, she)

  Are You a Boy or a Girl?

  “My child wanted to have a new name, switching from Erik to Kimmy, and wanted to use they/them instead of he/him. The teachers were great. They simply let everyone know that Erik was now Kimmy and a them not a him.”

  —sarah, parent of a seven-year-old

  “It’s like, I feel like a them. It changes. Sometimes I’m a boy, sometimes I’m a girl, and some days I’m both.”

  —frida, age six

  Adults often divide children by their biological sex, as girls and boys. Children can be much more open and should be allowed to be open. As adults, we have to get better at asking children open questions, instead of assuming that girls look a certain way and boys some other. Girls can have short hair and wear a superhero shirt, and boys can have long hair and wear sparkle hearts. Ask children questions rather than assuming things.

  When we meet children who don’t fit our expectations regarding clothes or looks, it’s easy to focus on that. For example, we’ll say, Wow, your hair is so long! to a child with a typical boy’s name. Instead of commenting on how a child is different from what we might expect, it’s important to interact with them as we would with any other child.

  In 2010, Sweden introduced a new kind of protection against discrimination: protection against discrimination on the basis of transgender identity or expression. The new law made clear that people, big and small, who don’t identify with traditional gender roles are protected by the law so that they can be exactly the way they are without being discriminated against. This means that children can dress the way they want, use the voice they want, the body language they want, and choose the pronoun they prefer for themselves. More and more children are expressing themselves and changing their pronouns and names.

  Our gender identity has to do with what gender we feel we are. It has to do with our heads, not what’s between our legs. A child can feel like a girl, or a boy, or both, or something else. This makes the Swedish word hen (see page 38) very useful because it lets children choose their gender identity themselves. The word hen showed up in Swedish in the 1960s, but it didn’t take off until after 2010. In 2015, it was included in the dictionary of the Swedish Academy, which now has three singular pronouns for people in the third person, instead of two! In English, the use of they/them as a singular pronoun is likewise gaining ground.

  Sex and gender can be defined in various ways. Our biological sex is based on our sex organs, chromosomes, and hormones. Gender identity is what a person feels that they are. Your gender expression has to do with your clothes and appearance. Your legal gender is what your birth certificate, driver’s license, or other official paperwork says.

  Gender confirmation surgery (noun): any of several surgical procedures that a transgender person may choose to undergo in order to obtain the physical characteristics that match their gender identity.

  —merriam-webster.com

  When you’re a cis person, your gender identity and gender expression are the same as the gender or sex you were assigned when you were born. A trans person might identify as a girl, boy, woman, or man, or as nonbinary. If you’re nonbinary, you identify as beyond or between the binary gender norm, the man/woman dichotomy. Many trans people sense that their biological sex doesn’t match how they feel beginning when they’re young, in preschool. Previously, many people thought this happened later, in middle school or junior high, but that’s not accurate.

  Furthermore, some people mix up trans identity with sexual orientation. These are not connected. A trans person can be asexual, bisexual, heterosexual, or homosexual, just like a cis person. To whom we’re attracted doesn’t have to have anything to do with our gender identity.

  India, Nepal, Pakistan, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa are examples of countries that have introduced a third legal gender.

  Suggestions

  Getting used to something new always takes practice. Start using they/them pronouns if you haven’t already done so.

  • Did you see the doctor? What did they say?

  • Look at the baby! They look so sleepy!

  If someone changes their name, always use the name they prefer.

  If you can’t tell if someone is a him, her, or them, wait a little while, and maybe you’ll find out. In the meanwhile, simply use the person’s name, and you’ll be fine in almost any situation.

  • Would you like to play with Liam?

  • How is Liam doing? Is Liam eating chocolate?

  If you’re not sure what pronouns someone prefers, ask.

  • What pronouns do you use?

  Pay attention to young children, too, and respect their feelings. Let them decide for themselves what gender identity works for them.

  And This Year’s Nobel Prize in Beading Goes To …

  Often, we’ll use different words to describe the same behavior depending on whether we’re talking about boys or girls. While boys are inventing, girls might be crafting. Or we’ll refer to girls as pretending while boys are constructing. Girls whisper; boys talk. And so on. The gender trap is that we use different words without realizing this, but also that these words come charged with different connotations and values. The words used for what boys are doing often express higher status. Inventions can change the world and are seen as technologically complicated, requiring intelligence and hard work. Crafting is a smaller, more temporary activity. You might craft something that’s needed in the home or something that’s meant to be ornamental. The goal is not to stake your claim to public space. Technology and construction are still coded as for men. And even though technology and logic are required for sewing, weaving, and knitting, these activities are often seen as crafts rather than technology.

  These differences in values mean that girls and boys learn that what boys do is a little bit more important than what girls do. By extension, girls are seen as less important than boys. Not because what they are doing is actually less important, but because the words and values connected with their actions say that it is. This can also make boys not want to do crafts because crafting in itself is made into a “gi
rl thing,” not an activity that all children can enjoy. But don’t most children enjoy painting, cutting out shapes, and pasting shiny sequins on fancy paper? Shouldn’t all children have the opportunity to create things, large and small?

  SAME ACTIVITY DIFFERENT WORDS!

  blabber – discuss

  skip – jump

  giggle – laugh

  be silly – joke around

  test limits – disobey

  fussy – careful

  difficult – determined

  whiny – sensitive

  Suggestions

  Try to go back and forth between the words you use. Say hop and jump, giggle and laugh to all the children.

  Give the words new meanings. Invent stuff using crayons and scissors, and do crafts projects with wood and screws. See who can make the longest string of beads. Replace negative words: picky eaters are instead particular about what they eat.

  Action Guys and Monster Dudes

  “My daughter is almost three. She refers to everything as ‘him.’ Her teddy bear is a him, the doll is a him, the car is a him, the book is a him. I try to get a ‘her’ in there, but it’s not easy. The word ‘him’ has stuck like superglue.”