The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  For parents: What are you afraid will happen if your child plays with dolls or wears dresses? Many fathers care for their children these days, so it’s natural for your child to want to try that role. Wearing a dress can be a way of feeling fancy or trying a new role. It’s good for children’s development and makes them more well rounded. We often transfer our own fears to children completely unnecessarily, and this becomes a burden for children. This is why it’s important for parents to gain perspective on their own fears. Read more about this in the gender trap “He Gets to Be a Little Bit Different” (page 76).

  Teacher: We really try to encourage boys to express intimacy and emotions. But it can feel pretty hopeless. They just walk away or are quiet.

  If children aren’t used to talking about or showing their feelings, it can be difficult to get them to do that. Showing your emotions means making yourself vulnerable, and that requires courage. Role play with stuffed animals and other figures who are sad, scared, or angry can be a good way to approach emotions. This lets children have a concrete example to talk about, and they don’t have to get personal if they don’t want to. Another option for responding to a child and helping them put words to their feelings is to draw faces that are angry, sad, or frustrated. Children can point to the face that matches how they feel. Getting children to feel safe and comfortable talking about their emotions is easier if you can share your own experiences. Talk about what makes you sad or scared and what you usually do when you feel like that. Talk about feelings on many different occasions so that it becomes a regular part of life.

  For parents: It’s often easier to be happy than angry or sad, but it’s important not to judge emotions as better or worse. Talk about how emotions have to be allowed to exist even if they’re difficult to deal with. Also explain that it’s important to do something about these feelings, because otherwise they’ll remain in your body. Talking about feelings provides a good opportunity to show that people are different and that different things make them sad, angry, and happy. For more on this, see the gender traps “Dry Your Tears!” (page 162) and “Sad Becomes Angry Becomes Sad” (page 165).

  Teacher: When the girls play on their own, everything’s fine. But as soon as Gabriel wants to join in, it all falls apart. How can we talk with his parents about this?

  Boys generally receive more negative attention than girls and are often blamed when problems arise. It’s important to offer boys positive roles that let them be helpful. Games are often governed by invisible rules that make it hard for new children to join in. Make the rules visible by observing how the children are acting, and talk with the children and your colleagues about these observations. Children who often play together develop common rules; it can be a good idea to create opportunities for children who rarely or never play together to do so. Try joining in and helping Gabriel join and find a positive role. Explain to the child’s parents that their child sometimes has a hard time joining other children in playing but that you are working on it.

  For parents: Talk to the teachers if you feel that your child is seen as the one who is often disruptive. Explain that you want all the children to have a chance to take part and try different games. Ask how you can work together to make things easier for your child. See the gender traps “It Was His Fault!” (page 131) and “I’m Not Welcome” (page 145) for more details.

  Teacher: When we have an open house for new parents, they often ask how many girls and boys there are in the group. What should I say?

  Many parents are worried that their child won’t have any friends if there are few children of the same gender, or none at all. The idea that boys are supposed to play with boys and girls with girls is very common. Explain that you see the children as children and that you actively work to build relationships among the children so that everyone can be friends with everyone. No one is excluded based on their gender. Provide clear examples of how you do this. Explain that what you teach informs how you organize groups of children. In Sweden, if you were to create groups based on the number of boys and girls, or had separate groups for boys and girls without a specific pedagogical purpose, that would be an act of discrimination according to the Discrimination Act. Help parents recognize the measures you take to promote gender equality by collecting articles, books, and other materials pertaining to gender equality on a shelf or a bulletin board. Write down what you are working on at any given time. This lets parents take part and lets them understand how the school operates.

  For parents: Why is it important for you to know how many boys and girls there are in a preschool? Do you think there’s a certain composition that’s preferable? What are you signaling as a parent when you ask that kind of question? Read more in the gender trap “Oh, They’re So Cute!” (page 129).

  Teacher: I find it hard to verbalize what children gain from gender equality measures.

  The preschool atmosphere becomes more accepting when gender equality is promoted. When children and adults don’t have to spend as much energy on correcting their own and others’ behavior in order to fit within the gender frame, there’s more space for creativity. Feeling safe in the knowledge that you are seen and accepted frees up a lot of energy for curiosity. Differences and diversity become positive aspects. More children can begin to express their preferences, can claim their space, and can understand how conflicts can be resolved democratically. Starting out, there may be more chaos as 15 kids—rather than maybe just three—claim space and respect, but over time a more accepting environment is created for all children. Gender equality efforts at preschool generally make both staff and children have a better time at school. Fundamentally, this is about the work environment for children and their opportunities to develop as individuals.

  Questions from Parents

  Just like there are parents who don’t share the preschool system’s values, there are teachers who think girls should be girls and boys should be boys. They turn a blind eye to what the gender inequalities mean for children. This can be very hard for parents who want their children to be treated as individuals, not as a gender. Below, we’ve gathered questions from parents and offer suggestions for how parents and teachers can talk about these issues.

  “The situations that arise at preschool are hard for me to handle. How can I make clear that I want Rasmus to be treated as an individual, not as a representative of his gender?”

  —sanna, parent of a two-year-old

  “After a while, it became clear that my daughter was indeed drawing at preschool and making things, but the staff was giving all of that directly to her mom.”

  —nicolas, parent of a three-year-old

  “It’s discouraging to ask about gender equality measures and see the teachers get this blank look on their faces or hear them say: ‘Sure, we have a plan, but we have to make time for the kids, too.’”

  —george, parent of a three-year-old

  Parent: At my daughter’s preschool, there’s a room with dolls and a stove, and another room with LEGOs and cars. When I arrive, the girls are almost always in the doll room.

  Many preschools create an environment with corners or rooms where they inadvertently separate traditional girls’ and boys’ toys. Ask the teachers what their thinking process is in designing the sections and placing the materials in the rooms. Ask them what measures they’re taking to ensure that the children get to try a variety of games and develop a range of skills and roles.

  For teachers: How do girls and boys use the toys and other materials and the spaces available at preschool? Talk to your colleagues and try to observe any patterns in how the children play. Have building materials in several spaces and see if that changes how they play. In the house area, include a broken mixer, telephone, and a tool box so that they can tinker and invent while they prepare food for the dolls. See about dividing spaces thematically rather than by the materials themselves. Create small worlds, like the aquarium room, the space room, and the garden room; this lets you combine materials and games in new wa
ys. Create spaces and sort materials by colors: the red room, green room, or blue room. Find out more in the gender trap “Girl’s Room, Boy’s Room, Playroom” (page 44).

  Parent: What can I do when the staff greet my daughter with a “Oh, what a pretty dress you’re wearing today!”

  Highlight other properties of the dress. Perhaps it has dots, stripes, colors, or something else that can be commented on. Or mention something else your child has done that morning or on the way to preschool. Try to shift the conversation to the child as a person, instead of continuing to talk about the child’s appearance. Later, when the child isn’t present, talk to the teachers and ask them about their thinking around focusing on children’s appearances, like their clothes and their hair. Ask if there’s a unified strategy among the staff for how they greet children. Explain that you think that it’s important that your child is treated as a person, and that it shouldn’t matter what they are wearing. Raise the clothing issue with other parents so that they can weigh in, too.

  For teachers: Affirmation is a strong motivator for children. Some children will wear clothes to get recognition. What are your and your colleagues’ ideas about clothing and looks for girls and boys, and how do those ideas influence how you interact with the children? What does it mean—to you—to treat children as individuals? See the gender trap “A Skull by Any Other Name …” (page 68) for more information.

  Parent: What should I do when the teacher says it’s natural for boys to fight and play with weapons?

  Ask the teacher what they mean and what they’re basing these ideas on. When something is seen as “natural” or “the way it is,” it usually means that it’s biological and thereby, supposedly, unchangeable. Biology can be used as a way of arguing against promoting gender equality. It could also be that the teacher is so locked into their conviction that they can only see situations that match their worldview. Like people who are pregnant and suddenly see baby carriages everywhere, teachers may notice boys who fight more than they notice boys who choose to do other things. This skewed perception is self-reinforcing.

  For teachers: In private, people can have various opinions about gender-based differences. As a professional teacher, it’s important to be able to rise above that. Discuss expectations and ideas about concepts like girlish, boyish, manly, and womanly with your colleagues. By laying bare your own values and ideas you can grow more aware of what you see and experience.

  Challenge your thought patterns by looking for boys and girls who are doing something you think they don’t usually do. Boys may very well be learning from each other to play weapons games with sticks. What children do and play is very much about what games are introduced, how those introductions play out, and what role models are available. Find out more in the gender trap “All She Does Is Cook, Anyway” (page 50).

  Parent: It seems that all the songs they sing at preschool are about boys. How can I talk to the teachers about this?

  If your child likes to sing, start by mentioning that you’re so happy that they sing a lot at preschool. Then you can mention that you’ve noticed that almost all the songs seem to be about boys and ask if the teachers have noticed that, too. Often, something like that will be entirely unintentional and simply due to the fact that most songs, like most children’s stories, are about boys, males, and men.

  For teachers: Take a look at your collection of songs. What are the songs about? Add songs that describe boys and girls in more varied ways. Change songs around to make them more gender equal. Read more in the gender trap “Once Upon a Time” (page 38).

  Parent: Sometimes when I come to pick up my child, the staff will tell me that the girls are inside and the boys are outside. I don’t know how to respond.

  Many people think it’s natural for children to play in gender-segregated groups, and adults can have a hard time realizing that they are validating and reinforcing this. Try asking a question: Oh, you had gender-segregated play groups today? You can also ask what the pedagogical purpose behind the groups is. Part of the professional pedagogical task is to challenge children to try new games and to enter into relationships with different children. When we assume that girls have to be friends with girls and boys with boys, children miss out on a large number of friends.

  For teachers: What happens when children are addressed as girls and boys, and what signals does that send to the children and to parents? Is it a coincidence that girls and boys are playing separately or is it a common occurrence? If they regularly play in gender-segregated groups, it’s a good idea to create opportunities for children who don’t regularly play together to try that. For more on this, see the gender trap “The Boys Are Over Here!” (page 126).

  Parent: My child and two others took off all their clothes when they were playing, and the teachers were very upset. I didn’t know what to say.

  The teachers were probably upset because they were scared. Nudity is often associated with sexuality, and children’s sexuality is still considered somewhat taboo. Talk about nudity and about how to convey to the children that their bodies are something positive, not something to feel shame or guilt about. Having an open attitude to the body contributes to healthy self-esteem.

  For teachers: What is your approach to nude children? This subject is so loaded that it’s often not discussed. But it’s important for children to know that the body is something positive. As with other games, talk about how there are rules for bodies and for the genitals, the snippa and the snopp. It’s important for children to learn that they are in control of their own bodies. Be clear with parents about your thinking on this and why. This will reassure them. For more on this, see the gender traps “What Do You Have Between Your Legs?” (page 212) and “Who Can Touch?” (page 214).

  Parent: The preschool always calls me, the mom, when my child is sick, even though there’s two of us as parents.

  Moms often end up in the top slot in the contact list just out of habit, and often this is accompanied by the expectation that moms are primarily in charge of the kids. Explain to staff that you want to be treated equally as parents. Suggest that the preschool call you every other time if they’re not able to call both of you.

  For teachers: What do the school contact lists look like? Do preprinted forms list “mother’s name” first? Forms can easily be changed to say parent rather than mother or father. That way, all family constellations can feel included. Contact all of a child’s parents when something happens, not just the first one on the list or the one who lives the closest, unless the parents have expressly asked for that. It’s also important for all parents to receive all the information that gets sent from the preschool, and to get to be part of what the children create in terms of drawings and other things. Treating parents gender-equally is part of promoting gender equality.

  Parent: When we filled out the form for preschool, it said Mother and Father. It felt odd that our family wasn’t included. We struck out the Father and wrote Mother and Mother instead. How should we address this with the school?

  Some preschools think they only have children who live in traditional nuclear families and therefore don’t have to have an approach that covers other family constellations, or that the issue isn’t so important. The best thing to do is simply to explain that it’s important for all families to feel included at preschool. Ask them to review their songs, books, and other materials to ensure that a variety of family constellations are included.

  For teachers: If you work in an area with uniform family constellations, consider that it’s important to prepare children for the rest of society and the diverse array of possible family constellations. This will help children show respect for differences instead of fearing them. Simply speaking of parents, instead of mothers and fathers, can improve matters a lot. It’s important that the preschool reviews and changes forms, family trees, and stories so that all families can be represented. Remember that for children, their families are the most important thing to them, and all families are equal and shoul
d have equal space and visibility at preschool. Reading books that include various family constellations as a matter of fact is a good way to reflect the variety that exists in society. See the gender traps “Once Upon a Time” (page 38), “What’s Your Dad’s Name?” (page 120), and “Where Do You Live?” (page 117) for more on this.

  Parent: The preschool says that they don’t have time to work on both pedagogy and gender equality. How should I respond to that?

  All teaching is built on values, whether conscious or subconscious. All teaching probably has some kind of gender perspective. Ask the teacher to clarify what they mean. Open questions are always good. Talk to the head of the preschool and explain that the teachers don’t feel that they have time for gender equality measures.

  For teachers: Try to avoid thinking of gender and gender equality as an extra project. Instead, see it as a way of thinking that accompanies all activities. In the beginning, it may take time to learn to think in new ways and to create a common knowledge base among the staff. Start by including gender equality as a fixed agenda item for weekly planning meetings, and plan and follow-up on the activities you start. Work on one small part at a time and start with the low-hanging fruit. Go through songs and books and other materials and determine how boys and girls, women and men, and nonbinary persons are portrayed and represented. Then, assess the language you use with children, how you acknowledge them, how they play, and so on. It’s a good idea to bring in someone from outside, for instance, a colleague from another preschool, a gender pedagogue, or a gender equality consultant, because it’s easy to be blind to these kinds of problems. Gender inequality thrives in everyday activities. Paradoxically, that’s also where it’s hardest to notice it. In time, a gender equality mindset will be as natural as your work on language development.