“Happy Christmas.”
He squeezed her a little more tightly. “It is the happiest of Christmases.” His voice was roughened when he added, “I confess I have never known a better one.”
She sighed with contentment. “Nor have I.”
She struggled to keep her eyelids from closing, at least until she could ensure Nicholas was peacefully asleep. Her efforts were in vain. She clung to him as long as possible before sleep finally overtook her.
~ * ~
Nicholas awoke, several hours later, his arms filled with a luscious, completely sated woman. She was sleeping blissfully, only this time he could not bring himself to leave as he had the other nights. He had no right to indulge himself like this. It was the one rule he insisted on, to ensure no attachments could be formed, by anyone.
Especially him.
But surely this sort of extravagance is what the Christmas holiday permitted, even encouraged? Once the New Year arrived, with its bitter cold winds, and Juliana no longer his lover…
He pulled her closer, needing the comfort of her warm, endlessly giving body. She murmured something that only she could understand, and wriggled her bare bottom against him. He sucked in a breath, hoping his body’s eager response would not wake her. He grinned. Actually, he hoped it would wake her, but he had to let her restore her strength once in a while.
What a delightful gift she was. Unfortunately he knew he would have to relinquish her, and long before he was ready.
At times, like now, he could almost convince himself this was meant to be more than a short-lived affair. They enjoyed each other’s company elsewhere, not just in the bedchamber. She lightened his heart with her gentle teasing, as well as her optimistic outlook and her refusal to be bound by the regrets of her past.
If only he were not tied to his past regrets. If only he had met Juliana years ago, when he had still been worthy of her affections. If only he could become deserving of them now.
Nicholas started to pull away from her, but the loss of her warmth was too much to bear. He was weary of fighting off his growing attachment to her. He was tired of denying how much she had come to mean to him.
He wrapped his arms around her once more. He would let his worries fade, for now at least, and allow his unlikely hopes for a future with Juliana to hold sway.
He could embrace her a few moments longer, needing at least that before he returned to his own bedchamber, to spend the first of many more long nights alone.
~ * ~
Nicholas closed his eyes tighter, doing his best to shield them from the sunlight streaming through the windows. He cursed himself for not ensuring the curtains were drawn, as was his custom, but he could at least turn away—
Except his arms were filled with the peacefully sleeping, blissfully naked Juliana.
His heart raced with panic. How had he let this happen? His morose thoughts the night before had caused him to disregard his own rules. It was a regrettable lapse in judgment on his part, but at least it was one he could remedy without too much trouble.
However, he would need to stay vigilant from now on, to guard against further mishaps.
Nicholas eased himself out of Juliana’s embrace, slowing whenever she moved or seemed like she might be waking. He had never endured such torture. He had to fight off the very strong urge to stay where he was, coiled around the curves of her body, waking her in a manner they would both enjoy.
Finally he was out of the bed. He quickly donned his breeches and threw his shirt over his head. It was enough to get him to his own bedchamber without scandalizing any of the housemaids who would be lighting fires and tending to other early morning business while the house was quiet.
He tiptoed to Juliana’s prone form and placed a tender kiss to her forehead. He allowed himself to linger for a moment, inhaling her fragrance, relishing the warmth of her skin against his lips. Then he forced himself to gather the rest of his clothing and boots and head for the door.
He was nearly there when he heard her sleepy voice murmur, “Nicholas?”
He halted, spinning to look at her, hoping she would return to sleep and allow him to make his escape.
Luck was not on his side, however.
Juliana turned over and saw him standing in the middle of the room, his clothes in hand, his intentions unmistakable.
She sat up, her expression surprised and then as happy as if he had showered her with presents. “You stayed the night.”
He gave a quick nod.
“Yet you are leaving now.”
Her voice was matter-of-fact, not at all accusing, yet he felt miserable just the same. “It is for the best,” he managed.
“But why?”
He was not accustomed to the slight note of anguish he heard in her voice, and his heart pinched in response.
“I have certain rules…”
She frowned for a moment, but then her eyes widened with understanding. “And I have made you break one of them.” She nibbled on her lip, as if considering what to say next. “This is the first time I have spent the entire night with a man. I was overjoyed to see you here with me.”
Her confession made his heart ache a little more. It should have been a moment for Juliana to celebrate. Instead Nicholas had come close to tarnishing it with his hasty retreat. He began to pace. Surely there was some way to salvage the situation.
“Nicholas, come back to bed.”
Juliana beckoned him with outstretched arms, the counterpane draped over her legs, her luscious breasts exposed to his view.
Nicholas took one step towards her, and then another. They could simply resume their lighthearted, passionate affair, spending the remainder of their days and nights pleasuring each other, pretending nothing had changed.
He practically raced to the bed, eager to have her in his arms again. Juliana’s eyes lit up with unabashed hopefulness, and in that instant, Nicholas realized his mistake.
This was not a simple affair for Juliana. Perhaps it never had been. She had confessed last night how she wanted him. The sweet words had not only driven him into a frenzy, they had made him drop his guard, and now…
No, there could be no returning to the affair the way it was. His inability to abide by his own rules had made sure of that.
“I shall be traveling to London today,” he said.
This time when Juliana gasped, it did not bring him joy. Instead, the disappointed sound pierced his heart.
“I do not understand. You promised me twelve days.”
“Evidence of how unworthy I am of your trusting heart.” The hurt in her eyes nearly undid him. He realized, too late, how his rebuff likely reminded her of her own husband’s rejection. “I can assure you, you will be much happier once I am gone.”
“You have given me more joy than I have ever known,” she protested. “And I believe I have given you the same.”
He could not deny that. But there was no point in delaying the inevitable. Especially knowing it would cause Juliana additional heartache. His own heart could not bear causing her more anguish than he was doing now.
Nicholas donned a smile, along with his most formal voice. “I fear you have mistaken the pleasurable moments we shared as something else entirely. It is to be expected,” he said kindly, “as this is all so new for you. Lady Courtenay.”
Her breath caught. She slowly drew the counterpane over her shoulders, closing it with trembling hands, ensuring she was completely covered from view.
“May I ask one last favor, Lord Blaise?”
He steeled himself to resist her pleas to stay, not sure he had the strength to deny her, as necessary as it was. But Juliana surprised him, as she always did.
“You said you have regrets that are seared into your soul. Please do not add our affair to that list.”
He had to force a smile to his lips, because her request came close to breaking his heart. Hadn’t he promised her there would never be regrets in this room? Now he had just ensured it would be filled with t
hem, especially his own.
“I can promise you there is nothing I shall ever regret about this affair.”
Except the need to end it.
He walked slowly, purposefully, to the door, before he lost the ability to do so, and before he could inflict any further wounds. He finally left, closing the door quietly while shutting out his heart’s plaintive cries to remain with Juliana.
Chapter Twelve
“Juliana. What are you doing here?” Madeleine’s brow creased with bewilderment, and undeniable concern. “I thought you would not return for several days yet. Is everything all right?”
Juliana moved slowly to the settee, dropping onto it tiredly. The sojourn to London had not been exhausting, but ever since Nicholas’s departure, she had felt depleted.
“I would like to assure you that everything is completely fine, but it is not. And I do not know why it is so, or how to change it.”
Madeline hurried to her side. “I am sorry to hear that. I was certain this affair would be just what you wanted.”
“It was,” Juliana admitted. “Until it ended, without any warning. Or without any logical reason that I can discern. And since everything about the house reminded me of Nicholas, I had no other choice but to return to London.”
“Tell me everything, from the beginning. I am certain we can sort it all out.”
Juliana shook her head, and then laid it against the back of the settee. “There is nothing to sort out. It was glorious, and then he left.”
Madeleine’s lips twitched. “There is a great deal of detail missing between those two points.”
“One day I shall regale you with every tidbit, but for now…” She sighed, hating that she continued to respond in a manner so unlike her usual self. “I cannot bear to think of the glorious moments, because then it leads to that irrevocable one when he departed.”
“Do not tell me he left a note behind.” Madeleine frowned. “I detest when they do that. Even when it is worded quite elegantly, it always seems so cowardly.”
“No, he did not, though I almost wish he had.” Juliana halted while she swallowed a lump of unexpected tears. “It might make this excess of emotion more bearable. I cannot imagine enduring this each time I embark on an affair.”
“I do not believe you will be embarking on another affair.”
“Because I have failed so miserably at this one?”
Madeleine chuckled, patting Juliana’s hand. “No, you silly goose. Because you have fallen in love, and your heart will never be content with a succession of affairs. If ever there was a woman meant to love only one man in her lifetime, it is you.”
“It matters little if I have fallen in love,” Juliana protested. “Since I am the only one who has.”
“Are you so certain?”
Juliana nearly snorted her disbelief. “Of course I am certain! I am not the one who departed like a thief outrunning the magistrate.”
Madeleine laughed. “You have much to learn about love.”
“As well as affairs. I wish I had known beforehand about the unwritten rule against falling in love with your lover.” She glared at her friend. “Why did you not at least give me a hint of that one?”
“Because there is no such rule.” Madeleine gave Juliana’s hand a comforting squeeze. “Nor is there any reason to berate yourself for losing your heart. Your generous, tender, beautiful, loving heart.”
“The one that is in danger of being permanently broken into pieces, it seems.” She sniffed back some errant tears. “My fears have been realized. Do you remember how I said I did not want to be reduced to nothing after it was over? Yet here I am, weeping and sighing and wringing my handkerchief, something I have never been prone to doing.”
Madeleine’s expression was sympathetic. “So what caused a rift? It sounds like you were so well suited. Did you argue?”
“No, not even once. He was perfectly agreeable.”
“Did he have a terrible habit that would have made you scream in agony, and, sensing your displeasure, he chose to depart instead?”
Juliana managed a laugh at the absurd notion. “No. There was nothing amiss. We got on very well together, in bed and out of it.”
“Goodness. This is confusing.” Madeleine glanced at the sideboard. “It is way too early for brandy—I wish I understood why he ended things so abruptly.”
“I have pondered it times without number and cannot find any reason. One morning he simply announced he was returning to London, but there were no harsh words or disagreements. It was all very civilized. Heartbreakingly so.”
Especially considering all of the less-than-civilized things they had done with each other the previous night.
Juliana felt her face heat instantly, something that did not escape Madeleine’s notice.
“Which morning was it?” her friend asked.
“The morning he woke in my bed.” Juliana smiled at the memory, even though her brief moment of joy had been quickly followed by her current heartache.
Madeleine nearly squealed. “Was it as wonderful as you expected? Well, except for him leaving, of course.”
Juliana nodded, but then shook her head. “I did not realize he had stayed the entire evening until I awoke and saw him trying to return to his bedchamber.”
“How puzzling.”
“It is.” She heaved a sigh. “And I hoped we could simply resume things, but he would not be persuaded to stay. Why should spending the entire night in my bed prove to be the death knell of our affair?”
“It is rumored that he never does such a thing,” Madeleine reminded her.
“I know.” Juliana laughed. “I mentioned it to him during our very first conversation. When I asked him to be my lover.”
Her heart gave a little pinch. How could she have expected her first lover would be the only one she would ever want?
“Then clearly it is something out of the ordinary for him,” Madeleine said. “For whatever reason, it is not something he permits.”
“He did say he had rules. I wish I knew why it was so. And why it would make him flee as he did.” She heaved another huge sigh. “Another man with secrets, only this one has stolen my heart.”
Madeleine frowned. “I am sure there is some sort of logic to it all, not that we can see it. Men can be so misguided at times. But do not allow yourself to feel so distressed. I am confident it will not be permanent.”
“I am sure you are right.” Juliana sniffled. “Just how long is the mourning period when a love affair ends?”
“That is not what I meant,” Madeleine said with a chuckle.
“Oh, of course. You mean I will one day overcome these feelings I have for Nicholas.” Juliana shook her head emphatically. “I cannot see that ever happening. I may as well don my widow’s weeds again and continue wearing them until I am a bent-over, toothless crone, barely able to remember that I even had a lover.”
Madeleine grinned. “No, what I am trying to say is Nicholas will realize what a treasure you are, and how he is completely devoted to your happiness. I am confident he will soon come groveling at your doorstep, pleading for you to take him back.”
Juliana half-sobbed and half-laughed. “And if he does not?”
“Then he is a complete and utter nodcock.”
~ * ~
“How could you be such a complete and utter nodcock!”
Nicholas gaped at Martin’s shocking outburst. He had not anticipated such a reaction. In truth, he had expected sympathy, along with a hearty, “let’s drown your sorrows with a bottle of my finest brandy”.
Instead, Nicholas had been castigated. He had even come perilously close to losing his honorary membership in Martin’s family forever.
“I am not a complete and utter nodcock,” Nicholas attempted.
“You are!”
“I am attempting to be chivalrous, protecting Juliana from—”
“From what? Your fears? If that were truly the case, you would have avoided her from the outset.”
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“I tried,” Nicholas said, defensively, only he sounded like a petulant child. “I did try. And the more time I spent with her, the more I found myself enchanted with her.”
“And it frightened the bollocks off you.”
Nicholas laughed, but it was an uneasy one. “What has come over you? You are usually so calm, not to mention understanding.”
Martin shook his head, pacing the carpet in his set of rooms. “Because I have seen you suffer these past several years, blaming yourself for something that is not your fault—”
“Belinda tried to end her life because of me!”
Martin’s expression was sympathetic. “When will you ever forgive yourself for that?”
“I cannot! She should be a happy, healthy woman, with a husband and children of her own. Instead, because of my callous, heartless rebuke, she nearly drowned herself in the Serpentine.” Nicholas tried to calm himself. “I considered myself an honorable man once. But after that day—how can I forgive myself when she is unable to speak or walk or do any of the things we enjoy each day?”
“You might have been careless,” Martin said gently, “but you have never been callous, or heartless. And you are still an honorable man. You always have been. If you were not, you would not continue to feel such anguish now, this many years later. Nor would you provide so lavishly for her and her mother.”
Nicholas waved his hand dismissively. “I wish I could do more. I wish I could have foreseen the result of my thoughtlessness, or wind back the clock to prevent my uttering it at all.”
“You could not have known she would react in that fashion.”
“I should have known she was fragile—”
“You barely knew her.”
“I never should have dismissed her declaration as I did. I should have realized—”
Martin heaved an exasperated sigh. “I have seen zealots less devoted to flaying themselves for their perceived sins. The choice Belinda made was a tragic one, and her life is forever changed. It truly is regrettable. But what is even more tragic—” He pinned Nicholas with his gaze. “You have let her choice effectively end your life. Punish yourself if you must. But do not punish Juliana.”
Lord Misrule (The Matchmaking Earl Book 1) Page 8
