“Whatever are you on about?”
“You have found the woman who is perfect for you, and then you slink away, treating her like some courtesan—”
“I did not—” Only he had. Nicholas cringed at the reminder of trying to sneak away from Juliana’s bedchamber before she awoke. “I had no other choice. It was better to end things now, before she developed tender feelings for me.”
Martin snorted. “It is a wonder any woman has tender feelings for you.”
Nicholas glared at his friend, trying to make his friend see his point of view. “She deserves a much better man than I will ever be.”
“I always detest when men say that. It’s so self-serving, making it seem they are being noble, when in actuality it is a ruse to cover up their cowardice.”
Nicholas sat up. Martin was never so harsh with him. “Cowardice? Surely you are not saying—”
“You are not unwilling to forgive yourself. You are afraid to, for then you must look to the future, with an open heart, not one weighed down with regrets and recrimination.” Martin pinned him with a fierce expression. “So perhaps you are correct. Juliana does deserve a better man, a more courageous one who does not fear the days and years ahead of him.”
Nicholas began to protest anew, but there was a great deal of truth to his friend’s words.
He had deemed Juliana too innocent and guileless for a world-weary man such as he was. Yet while he chose to stay mired in his past, she embraced her future with unbridled joy. She did not let her unhappy marital situation crush her spirit or turn into lifelong regrets. No, she opted to throw herself headlong into their affair, relishing every wicked moment, impatient to experience more.
Nicholas gulped. Juliana never had needed his protection. The rules he thought he had devised for that purpose had simply served to chain him to the past. Even worse, they had likely cost him a future with this brave, beautiful, passionate woman he loved.
He slumped in his chair, groaning. “I am a complete and utter nodcock.”
Martin grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. “There is hope for you yet.”
“What must I do? I need your advice.”
“Now you are willing to hear it?” Martin laughed. “There is no guarantee she will still have you. If she had any sense at all—”
“I am well aware of the risks. I more than deserve any punishment she wishes to mete out.”
“You must confess to her why you have been such an imbecile.”
Nicholas winced. “Yes, I agree, even though I do not relish the task. I can only pray she is as compassionate and forgiving with me as she has been with others who have mistreated her so grievously.”
Martin nodded, his expression sympathetic. “But even if she sends you packing, unwilling to hear a word of your groveling, you must find a way to make peace with your past. You cannot have any kind of future if you do not.”
“I have come to the same realization.” Nicholas stood and clasped Martin’s hand, then pulled him into a brief embrace, clapping him several times on the back. “Thank you for your aid, as well as your persistence. I am lucky to count you as my friend.”
“I am intent on seeing you happy. It is long past time for you to enjoy Christmas.” He stepped back and gave Nicholas a considering look. “I assume you are off to profess your love to Lady Courtenay now?”
“The matchmaking earl again?” Nicholas raised his eyebrow. “Have your siblings refused to let you experiment with them?”
Martin laughed. “They have informed me if I meet with success in your complicated love life, they might permit me to assist them one day too.”
“It is good that you have so many siblings.” Nicholas laughed, his heart lighter already. “For I am certain you shall have the chance to make all of them happy. Perhaps I can return the favor for you one day.”
Martin gave him a mock frown. “That day is a long time off. Now go. You have a great deal of groveling ahead of you.”
Chapter Thirteen
Nicholas waited in the comfortably furnished drawing room. He thought about what he wanted to say to Juliana, how he would explain his fears, along with his hopes for their future together.
Yet before he could do that, he had this annual visit, the one he usually dreaded. This year, however, everything was different.
The door opened and a round-cheeked woman entered, pushing a wheeled chair before her, smiling happily.
“Mrs. Sutton,” Nicholas said. “Miss Sutton.”
He hastened to help the woman bring her daughter into the room. They took several minutes getting Belinda situated closer to the fire surround, ensuring she was warm. She did not appear to recognize him, but it would have been a surprise if she had.
“I have come to wish you both a felicitous New Year,” he said.
“Every year I hope and pray you will not return.” Mrs. Sutton’s warm smile belied the harshness of her words. “It always grieves me to see how downcast you are, my lord.”
Nicholas gave a brief smile before glancing at Belinda once more. “Is there any change since last year?”
“Not really, but then I don’t expect any.” She gave him a sympathetic look, and her voice was kind. “If it’s a Christmas miracle you’re expecting, it won’t be here.”
“I know,” he said. “But I still hope. Perhaps doctors will discover something one day.”
Mrs. Sutton adjusted the colorful shawl wrapped around Belinda’s shoulders, and then motioned for Nicholas to sit. He chose a chair across from Belinda’s mother, and she poured tea for them both.
“Hope is a wonderful thing,” Mrs. Sutton said, smiling. “Much better than guilt. Though I tell you that every year, and every year you depart without seeming to believe a word of it.”
Nicholas shook his head. “You have always been too compassionate.”
“And you have blamed yourself for far too long. I have begun to wonder if you will ever find a way to forgive yourself.”
“I am finally willing to give it a try,” he admitted. “Though I must admit it is such a strange sensation. I have carried this regret for so long, it has nearly become a part of me.” He paused. “You know I never anticipated this—”
“Nobody did. I too have blamed myself, for ever so long, wishing I could have known Belinda would do something so rash. But I did not know. She had declared herself head-over-heels, many times before. I simply dismissed it as yet another one of her flights of fancy.” She glanced at him over her teacup. “It occurred so often, I cannot even say for sure you were the one she did this for.”
Nicholas smiled. “I appreciate you trying to absolve me, but I did play a part. And I am grateful you have been so kindly towards me in spite of that.”
“It does not really matter who was to blame,” Mrs. Sutton said matter-of-factly. “It does not change her future. She has a certain measure of happiness—different than she had expected, or that I had hoped for. But I cannot see why we should miss out on the pleasures available today simply because they are different than what we had enjoyed in the past.”
“I agree. I realize I should have heeded your words long before now.” He shot a glance at Belinda, who continued to gaze at the fire, seemingly unaware of their conversation. “You know that you and Belinda will never want for anything. If you need an increase in the yearly allotment—”
“You have been more than generous, my lord. It is time you see to your own happiness.” She tilted her head, and her eyes began to twinkle as she regarded him. “There is a difference in you this year. Less melancholy. Perhaps even a hint of joy in your demeanor. Would I be right in thinking you have found someone who has caused this change?”
Nicholas could not hold back his grin. “I have. That is, if I haven’t managed to turn her away completely.”
“I cannot imagine that is possible, my lord. Who wouldn’t fall in love with a handsome gentleman with a heart as big as yours?” She set her tea on a nearby table. “Tell me about this woman. I am
sure she must be remarkable.”
“She is. But are you sure you wish to hear about her?” He glanced quickly at Belinda again. “When your daughter—”
“My lord, I have never wished for your unhappiness. In truth, I include you in my prayers every day, asking the good Lord to ease your anguish.” Mrs. Sutton smiled. “It sounds like maybe my prayers have finally been answered.”
Nicholas felt his heart lighten a bit more. Why did he continue to reproach himself, when this woman wished for his happiness? It seemed almost selfish to cling to his remorse when she fervently prayed for him to find some measure of peace.
Mrs. Sutton was the epitome of genuine love, devoted to her child’s happiness despite a horrible youthful decision that had changed the course of her life—all while doing her utmost to ease Nicholas’s guilt for his unexpected role in the tragedy.
Juliana had the same generous, loving, and forgiving heart. He could only hope she still cared for him while he took so long to discover what he had nearly thrown away.
“She is a widow,” Nicholas began, “although I mistook her for a debutante, because she is full of joy and happiness and quite eager to experience everything she missed out on while she was married.”
“Was she wed to an ogre?”
Nicholas laughed. “Not quite. But he did not realize what a treasure she was. Thankfully it did not spoil her outlook on life.”
“Ahh,” Mrs. Sutton said, grinning. “She did not let her grim circumstances fill her soul with bitterness. She has a thing or two to teach you then.”
“She does,” Nicholas agreed. “She already has. Only I was too much of a fool to realize it. I am almost afraid to hope that she will still care for me. I have yet to tell her how much I love her.”
“Do not ever be afraid to hope.” Mrs. Sutton sighed with complete contentment. “All sorts of unexpected things can happen. Especially at this time of year.” She leaned forward and whispered, “I shall soon be married.”
“That is joyous news indeed. Who might this lucky man be?”
Mrs. Sutton beamed. “Dr. Halverson. He has taken care of Belinda these past years, and somehow our conversations bloomed into something more. Who would have expected an old woman like me would find love again? But as I said, all sorts of astonishing things happen, if we only allow it.”
Before Nicholas could answer, the front door opened and a cheery voice rang out. “How are my favorite ladies today?”
Belinda seemed to perk up at the sound of the man’s voice, or perhaps Nicholas merely imagined it. He stood, and saw a portly man with a ruddy complexion and the unruliest white hair enter the parlor. The man’s face was filled with happiness when he saw Mrs. Sutton, who blushed like the shyest of schoolgirls. Nicholas bit back a smile. In the next instant, the doctor had knelt in front of Belinda, his eyes filled with love and compassion.
“You are in fine fettle today, Miss Belinda. And I have brought you a surprise.” The doctor reached into his coat pocket and extracted a tiny ball of orange fur, setting it in her hands. “You will have to tell me what you wish to name her. I can think of many possibilities. But I don’t consider ‘Kitten’ to be one of them.”
Nicholas was certain he saw a hint of a smile on the young woman’s face. The doctor continued his conversation with Belinda while unobtrusively checking his patient’s state of health. He spoke to Mrs. Sutton over his shoulder every once in a while, clearly happy with Belinda’s progress since his last visit.
Since the doctor was soon to be a permanent member of the household, his previous visit was likely very recent, so any improvements the doctor had seen were a cause of hope.
Nicholas’s heart was heart lighter for the first time in many years. “Mrs. Sutton, I fear I must take my leave.”
Dr. Halvorson turned his attention away from Belinda, raising from his kneeling position, with a little assistance from Mrs. Sutton’s outstretched hand.
“Dr. Halvorson, I would like to present to you Lord Blaise.”
Nicholas steeled himself for the doctor’s instant disdain. But this day was filled with surprises, for the man beamed as much as Mrs. Sutton was just then.
“It is my pleasure to finally meet you, my lord. Dorothea has always been so complimentary, extolling your praises about your generosity towards her and Belinda.”
Nicholas felt his throat tighten with emotion. “She is the one with the generosity of spirit. I have been a lucky recipient of it these past years. And permit me to offer you congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.”
Dr. Halvorson placed his arm around Mrs. Sutton, squeezing her tightly against him, despite her half-hearted protests at his impropriety. “I am the most fortunate of men. I had never expected to find such a marvelous woman.” He glanced towards Belinda and smiled. “An entire family.”
At that moment the kitten began mewing, and Nicholas took the opportunity to kneel next to Belinda’s chair. He scratched the kitten between its ears but his attention was on Belinda. Her expression was impassive, her beauty still evident, and he found he could not abandon the hope there was still a bright future for her one day.
In the meantime, he would do his best to relegate his guilt to the background until he could find a way to relinquish it entirely.
Nicholas lifted Belinda’s hand to his lips. “Goodbye, Miss Sutton.” He finally stood and smiled at Mrs. Sutton. “I will not be coming back next year. I hope you understand.”
Mrs. Sutton’s joy could not be contained. “I do understand, my lord, and I am more than glad to hear it. It is time you looked to the future, with this woman who has your heart. What better time than now, the advent of a new year?”
Nicholas could not agree more. He gave Mrs. Sutton a brief bow, but she rushed over and threw her arms around him in a heartfelt embrace.
“I know it is not proper,” she said, her voice muffled in his coat, “but I am so overjoyed for you.”
Nicholas gave her a squeeze, his heart overflowing at that moment. “I best go, before your future husband calls me out.”
Mrs. Sutton laughed and stepped back, wiping at her eyes. “Goodbye, my lord. And good luck in the coming year. To you and your new love.”
Nicholas grinned. “I wish the very same to you, Mrs. Sutton.”
Chapter Fourteen
Juliana rearranged her skirts in the chair, tucking her feet underneath her. She tried to focus on the book in her hands, but after only a few words, her thoughts drifted to Nicholas.
Again.
How long before he would finally fade to the back of her mind? How long before her body would cease its craving for his touch?
She must have sighed louder than she realized. Madeleine glanced up from her needlework, her face the picture of concern. Juliana merely smiled and turned the page of her book. If she did that regularly, she might convince Madeleine she was actually reading, not merely staring at the tome while trying to keep thoughts of Nicholas at bay.
The drawing room door opened, and Sanders entered. “Your ladyship, are you at home to visitors?”
She had no desire to entertain anyone. It was tiring to maintain the pretense that her heart was as cheerful as it had been previously. She opened her mouth to decline, but then Sanders added, “Lord Blaise is calling.”
The book dropped to the carpet with a soft thunk. Madeleine did her best to hide a grin.
“Of course,” Juliana managed calmly. “Please show him in.”
As soon as Sanders left, Juliana stood and raced to check her face in the gilt mirror over the fireplace.
“You are the same beauty he left mere days ago,” Madeleine said, amusement filling her voice.
“I merely wanted to ensure there was nothing to alert him to my turmoil,” Juliana retorted.
Thankfully there was no evidence of the tears she had shed. Instead, her eyes shone hopefully, and the pink tint to her cheeks was evidence of her excitement. If only she could disguise that.
“Do not fret,” Madeleine be
gan.
“I am not fretting. He may be coming merely to apologize,” Juliana said. “For departing as he did.”
Madeleine laughed. “There is not a man living who would appear to say he is not interested once he has ended an affair.”
Juliana frowned. “That is true. Perhaps—”
“He is here, just as I said he would be.”
Juliana tamped down her hopefulness. She tried to devise another possible reason for his appearance, but before she could, Sanders had opened the door, and Nicholas entered.
Her heart nearly stopped. If she had tried to convince herself she did not love him, it was the silliest thing she had ever attempted. She did love him. She always would.
His eyes lit up the moment he saw her, but then dimmed slightly when he saw they were not alone. “Lady Courtenay. Thank you for seeing me.”
“It is my pleasure, Lord Blaise. And may I present my dear friend, Lady Canton?”
“The pleasure is mine, Lady Canton.” He bowed gallantly, bringing Madeleine’s hand to his lips for a brief kiss.
Madeleine’s eyes widened as she gazed at Juliana over Nicholas’s bowed head. She pretended to fan her face, in the exact same fashion Juliana had done when she had received Nicholas’s original missive.
Juliana bit back a laugh at her friend’s antics. In the next instant, Madeleine was apologizing for a megrim that had apparently been waiting for Nicholas’s appearance before manifesting itself.
“I hope you will not mind if I go to my room to lie down for a while.” She pressed her fingers to her temple, adding a slight wince. “I am certain that will be the cure I need.”
“Of course,” Juliana said. “I shall check on you soon.”
“There is no need to rush on my account,” Madeleine said, heading across the room. “I shall be fine as fivepence in no time.”
Lord Misrule (The Matchmaking Earl Book 1) Page 9
